Thanks to Adia_Rose who helped me with this chapter. PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!
Her words had left Ronnie heartbroken; she remembered seeing any happiness that was left drain away from Ronnie's eyes. How could a mother's love not be enough? Even though Danielle had uttered the words, she struggled to understand them. She had come to Walford craving Ronnie's love and acceptance but after everything that has happened Ronnie just didn't seem enough to Danielle. Even though Danielle believed in what she had just said to Ronnie the guilt still remained. Despite Ronnie's failings, she had tried so desperately to be a proper mother to Danielle. Danielle knew this, she had seen the love, comfort and support radiate from Ronnie everyday but the doubts and fear always seemed to overwhelm her.
She had lost Stacey and James; two people that she loved dearly but most painful was the loss of her adoptive mother, Lizzie. Her recent problems with Ronnie had made Danielle think about Lizzie more; she felt guilty that memories of her mother had been pushed to the back of her mind since she moved to Walford. Lizzie had been the perfect mother to Danielle; kind, supportive, caring, loving and up until her death she had never left Danielle's side.
She was everything Danielle wanted Ronnie to be but unlike with Lizzie, a sense of unforgettable fear remained in her relationship with Ronnie. And although they had started to build a bond and relationship over the last two years, this fear still remained. It was fear built around doubts and sorrow that had followed Danielle around for twenty one years and the loss of those closest to her had only made it worse. She loved Ronnie but the thought of letting her in and losing her like she had lost so many others was too much to bear.
The emptiness in the flat was overwhelming, the scene eerily calm. The silence was painful as Danielle sat alone; drumming her fingers of the kitchen table. Ronnie had reluctantly agreed to go and see Roxy, giving Danielle some time and space to herself. She looked over to the cutlery and saucepans piled up by the sink, the remnants of her dinner still strewn over the china plates. Danielle brought up a hand to her stomach, just the thought of food making her feel uncomfortable and slightly queasy. Danielle had been deliberately avoiding food over recent weeks but as she stared at the plates of spaghetti dumped on the side, the thought of food now began to scare her.
Although her mind was still racing as she got lost in the emptiness of the flat, Danielle calmly stood up and walked towards the bathroom, shutting the door behind her as she entered. Even though there was no one around Danielle wanted to shut herself of, hide behind the four walls that now enclosed her. She may have moved away from the sight of the food but her stomach still felt unsettled. Danielle pressed against her stomach tightly, repeatedly striking her hand against her body.
Leaning over to the bathroom sink Danielle took a gulp of water from a glass that stood half full on the side before slowly bending over the toilet. She ran her fingers up her neck and over her chin until they reached her mouth, pushing her fingers down her throat. Danielle could feel the pain increasing but she needed to get rid of the food, get rid of the worries and sorrow that had been suffocating her. She needed to be stronger and take control, be a daughter that Ronnie would truly love and be proud of.
Her eyes were streaming and nose running as she stayed crouched over the toilet, a hand still staying tightly wrapped around her stomach as she threw up. Her fringe that sat across her forehead soon became stuck to her skin as sweat built on her forehead, the strain and effort taking its toll on Danielle.
Danielle kept her fingers down her throat as she continued to purge until the pain became overwhelming, her throat raw and burnt and her stomach tight and painful as she gagged. She slumped back against the wall, her mind and body drained as she continued to shake uncontrollably, gasping for breath.
Images of all the pain and anguish in her life flashed through her mind, she had hoped purging would have driven the hurt and sorrow away but the thoughts and memories still lingered. But one face, one voice was stronger than the rest; Ronnie. Slumped against the wall Danielle felt desperate; alone and exhausted. Although she had driven Ronnie away she realised that she needed her more than ever right now. She had expected to grave her adoptive mother's reassurance and comfort but Danielle longed for Ronnie to be the one to hold her and say everything was ok.
"Ron..." Danielle struggled to say, her throat still raw and painful. "Mum" Danielle croaked again desperately as she tried to haul herself to her feet, clinging to the sink for support as she continued to shake. Danielle caught sight of herself in the mirror, her face tear stained and sweaty. Danielle turned the sink tap, splashing water over her face as she slowly tried to wipe away the mascara that had run down her cheeks. Danielle's eyes were locked on her reflection until she heard the sound of keys turning in the lock and light footsteps making their way up the stairs.
The noise made Danielle began to rush around; she barely managed to continue through the pain as she kept her hand firmly pressed against her stomach. Danielle flushed the toilet and went about straightening out the bathroom, wanting nothing to seem out of place. "Danielle" A familiar voice echoed from up the stairs, "Dan" Ronnie's voice called again.
Danielle tucked her hair back behind her ears, wiping away more beads of sweat from her forehead before opening the bathroom door, coming face to face with Ronnie. "Hey, sweetie you ok?" Ronnie asked, slightly concerned that a flustered looking Danielle had appeared suddenly from the bathroom.
Danielle nodded, forcing a smile at her mother as she tried to mask the pain. Before Ronnie had a chance to question further Danielle flung her arms round Ronnie's waist, locking her hands together round Ronnie's back. Ronnie was taken aback by her daughter's eager embrace but as she felt her daughter cling desperately to her Ronnie pushed any doubt and worry to the back of her mind, instead letting her daughter melt in her arms. "I'm sorry about earlier" Ronnie whispered. "Me too" Danielle replied meekly, burying her head into Ronnie's chest. She didn't want to think about the argument and her fears, or what she had just done.