ALEX STRIDER:
Bored of the Rings
An Alex Rider-Lord of the Rings Parody
Written by Nathan Labonté
Including parodies of Santa Clause, Back to the Future, Harry Potter, James Bond, the Olympics
This chapter is mostly a continuation of the "epic" duel between two wizards. There are a few elements of Rider, but very little. Get ready for strangeness. And I hope that someone is reading this... because I don't seem to have anyone reading this so far...
Chapter 7: Mario's Rainbow Surf Rudeness
By the time Alex woke (quite groggily, since (if you forget...) he had been struck by miniature hobbits in a faraway place called Middle-Earth), he was beginning to feel like himself. He stretched. His arms and abs were hurting. Later, he would be told that he had been doing push-ups and sit-ups in his sleep, and the hobbits had had a hard time getting him to stay still. Alex had a hard time stretching, though. And he discovered the real reason his arms and legs were hurting. He screamed like a girl that has seen a black widow. (Spider, that is.)
Gandalf was getting tired. He had been shuffling for several days now, and he was just starting to get tired. Saruman, although he looked to be an age older than Gandalf, was no less than FIVE ages older! And he was still shuffling strong. Finally, Gandalf screamed: "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I WANT MOZART!"
Instantly, a Beatles song came up. "We all live in a Yellow Submarine..." With a cry of frustration, Gandalf picked up his staff and shot Saruman across the room. He landed with a thud. The music suddenly broke into the Hallelujah Chorus. Saruman got up and picked up his staff – ALL THE COLOURS OF THE RAINBOW! And suddenly, Gandalf the racist wizard wasn't racist anymore!
But that is a secondary occurrence. Saruman shot out a rainbow at Gandalf, giving him just enough time to grab a surf board from the wall and start riding the rapids. Little piranha fish jumped out and tried to nip Gandalf, but he shot fireballs at them. Suddenly, he felt himself skid out of control. The rainbow turned into dry land. A box with a question mark appeared over Gandalf's head, and he jumped. A little blue flower popped out. Gandalf ate it and shot out an ice ball. He smiled, and shot more out. A goomba suddenly attacked him and he lost the flower. A koopa kid smacked his face, and he went through a short period of down-sizing. Saruman suddenly took back the rainbow.
He also stole Gandalf's staff, which, in my opinion, is pretty rude. I mean, they're both wizards, and we all know that the only thing wizards can do is say spells and make fireworks – right? I know wrong. But it still was sort of rude. But now I'm sounding like Andrew Clements.
So Saruman stole the staff (RUDE!) and then he made Gandalf turn in circles on the floor (I suppose that the movie is pretty truthful!). Finally, he said: "I gave you the chance of aiding me willingly, but you have elected the way of pain!"
Gandalf frowned. "Two things. No, three. PUT ME DOWN YOU OLD FOOL!" Saruman let Gandalf down. "Number two, I elected Stephen Harper – NOT always the best choice, mind you. Do you know–"
"GET ON WITH IT YOU YOUNG FOOL!"
Gandalf smiled. "You never gave me a choice."
"Oh." Saruman scratched his head. "So… do you wanna join me on my evil destruction course through Middle-Earth? We're going to have a cool bonfire of the ents and a feast of chocolate!"
"No."
"Oh."
Saruman started spinning Gandalf into the air. "Well, you really HAVE elected pain – and Stephen Harper, I suppose. I voted for Jack Layton. Shame of his passing." The two wizards took off their hats and remained silent for two whole minutes. At then end, a tear slipped down Gandalf's cheek.
Saruman and Gandalf conversed on petty subjects for a few minutes before Saruman continued spinning Gandalf, before launching him up in the air to the magical balcony of Orthanc. Saruman still had Gandalf's staff. He held up his index finger and said, "RUDE!"
Back with the hobbits, Alex Strider was finally figuring out why his arms and legs were REALLY hurting. He hurtled out another blood-curdling scream (including some pieces of peanut butter. He hadn't brushed his teeth.) He realized that he was tied down to the wagon. Sam and Frodo and Merry were singing a cheerful song about roses and violets and other cool things, while Alex was strapped to the wagon of torture! He sighed. It would be a long day.
And it certainly was!
READERS' NOTE!
Before you read anymore, I must warn you that this story is taking after both the book and the movie – so those who have read the book but have not seen the movie will be confused, those who have seen the movie but not read the book will be confused. Those who have read the book and seen the movie will not be confused. And those who have never even heard of Aragorn… well, you're in for a treat!
AND NOW YOUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
For, in a while, they got to a point in the road where Frodo heard some strange sounds.
"Hey, guys, I hear some strange sounds, so let's hide in a ditch. I mean, there's nothing to validate the fact that it's evil or anything, I just heard some strange sounds." He took a breath. They hid in a ditch.
If you were reading the narrative before the 'READERS' NOTE!' you will have noticed that Alex was tied down to the wagon of torture (!). So, when he heard the strange sounds and when everyone hid in the ditch, Alex was slightly afraid. So, to pass the time, he did his Mr. Bean impression.
The horse hooves trotted jollily down the lane. Sam looked at Frodo. "That's not a strange sound, that's actually pretty jolly!" Frodo slapped Sam in the cheek. Up on the road, the jolly sound suddenly turned menacing. There was a jingle. A nasty jingle. But the words to this jingle have been long forgotten, the only remembered fact being that it went to the tune of the Pizza-Pizza song – and by that, the old one. Anyway, Alex Strider Mr. Beaned his way out of the wagon and hopped around. A black horse with a black rider dressed in a black cloak and wearing a black tiara suddenly appeared. Alex continued his Mr. Bean impression.
Meanwhile, the rider dipped his head over the ditch. A millipede crawled over Sam. The rider sniffed. All was silent, save the strange grunts that Alex was making. The rider sniffed again. He thought: 'My, is that hobbit I smell? YES! Good, I'll just – you mean that I'm not supposed to get the hobbits yet? Aw, rats. Sauron will kill me! … True that, I'm already dead!' So, the rider pretended he didn't sniff the hobbits, and got back on his horse – who kicked Alex sharply – and they then set off, whistling a dark tune – the jungle of Sauron.
And all the little children sighed, brushed the dirt (and millipedes…) off their clothes, and started whistling the awesome jingle of Sauron.
The next chapter will include the elves and mushrooms... Remember: read much, review often. Because if you DON'T read much, review often, you won't review often, read much! PS, this is a funny story. Especially when we get to the content I'm so excited for...