Again no dialog in this...sorry :/ Tell me what I could do better or what you would like to read next pretty please? :)
Warning: There's self-harm in this. If you don't like it or could be triggered please don't read it or at least read it with caution, yeah? It's also AU and probably ooc. And dark. Really dark...Hope you enjoy.
Guilt
They told him it wasn't his fault. Said that he was manipulated by Pitch, that he couldn't have done anything to change what had happened. He knew that they were wrong. They hadn't been there in Pitch' lair like him, hadn't seen him, what he had done. How he hadn't freed the little Baby Teeth when he could have. Instead he had been looking for his teeth, for his memories because he was selfish.
It hadn't been Pitch who had made him search through all these children teeth. He had had enough time to free them but he still had not. He had let everyone down just because he had wanted to know who he was, because he was a selfish brat that made a mess of everything.
No matter how many times the other Guardians insisted on setting the guilt on Pitch Jack knew it was really his fault. That he was the guilty one. He didn't deserve their company much less their trust. No one could trust him. He hurt everyone that cared about him, everyone that trusted him.
Jack didn't want to be such a burden to them. He desperately wanted to be someone else, someone better than himself. "I'm sorry," he would say to them every time but they just wouldn't listen! "It's okay Jack. We're not mad at you mate," Bunny would reassure him. "Pitch ruined Easter. You couldn't have done anything," Tooth would explain to him patiently as if he were the wrong one.
"You don't understand! It was my fault because I didn't…I didn't," Jack finally burst out when it became all too much. How could they be so blind? So naïve? "I could have freed them…and I didn't. I didn't…" Tears were prickling in his eyes, shame rolling in his gut. "I…I'm so sorry," he sobbed before quickly taking off, leaving his concerned friends behind.
Antarctica…why did he come here of all places? It didn't matter. He was alone and that was all he wanted. Jacks heart sank, his chest tightened and the tears finally spilled out over his cheeks. He fell to his knees, arms clutching his chest as sobs shuddered through his body.
Everything…Everything he did was wrong. Why couldn't he do something right for once? A desperate cry crawled out of his mouth, unheard. It seemed deafening to his own ears in the silence around him.
When he calmed down at last everything that was left in him was numbness. The last tears had frozen on his cheeks, his lips bitten bloody and deep imprints on his palms left from his fingernails that had dug into them.
Jack stared ahead seeing everything and nothing at the same time. Nothing mattered anymore, he didn't matter anymore. The pain that had been in his chest was gone; the guilt in his stomach had left. All he felt was numb…like he was dead. He shivered uncomfortably at the thought.
"Dead…," he whispered to himself. He knew how it felt since he had regained his memories. He hadn't thought about it before but now he couldn't let the thought go. Cold, dark, pain so much pain, he needed air, he was drowning, oh god, please no, no no no!
He gasped trying and failing to get the tightness in his chest to loosen. He had to breath, now, please! With a hard punch to his shoulder pain exploded in him, distracting him from his memories long enough to gasp in desperate breaths, taking deep lungfuls of air.
"Oh god oh please, I don't wanna die, no, oh god," he muttered unconsciously. "Think of something else, anything," and then it registered to him that the pain earlier had helped him. "Of course..:" He relaxed a bit and let out a strained laugh , tears sliding down his cheeks once again.
With a choked chuckle he fisted his hands into his hair pulling at it harshly every time his memories threatened to overwhelmed him
After a while even that wasn't enough and the guilt crept back. Soon enough the ache in his chest returned too. He cried out in frustration and helplessness scraping his fingernails painfully down his arms after he had ripped off his hoodie. His eyes were closed tightly, concentrating on the pain that flared up on his skin.
Until he noticed that he was bleeding his fingers were already bloody but he felt slightly better. With a soft sigh he curled up in the snow that covered everything around him and fell in an exhausted sleep.
The next time the guardians saw him Jack was his laughing fun-loving self again, not speaking about the Easter he had betrayed the Guardians again. The others seemed to feel relieved, thinking Jack had accepted it wasn't his fault. They never learned about the bloody scratches that covered his arms on a weekly basis.
Would love some feedback. :)