Koisuru=To be in love with

RENAI 恋愛

KOISURU: Empty

18 years old

.

They say you can only love one person in your life—a single, big love. If so, why do we get hurt every time someone disappears from our lives? It's like they take a piece of us with them. I think dying doesn't necessarily mean not being alive anymore, but having too many people parts stolen away of you.

I was walking towards the university when he bumped into me. His shoulder hit mine pretty hard and it hurt, but I didn't want to talk with anyone. That's why I had my headphones too.

"Hey—"

The song ended and I heard him calling, but I kept walking. I had no idea where to go. Even though it's been three months since college started, it was the first time I came here.

I had no idea where I had classes and the campus was enormous. I went at the main building. As expected, the names of students and the group they are in was still there. I found my name in group number 3. I wanted to go to the secretary and ask for my schedule, but someone stopped me.

"Sakura?"

I turned around. I already recognised the voice.

"It really is you." He said smiling the same way I remembered.

It was Naruto. He didn't change too much the past years, he grew taller and looked more mature, but he was still the same.

I didn't know what to say.

"How are you? I.. I mean, if you're still mad at me I can totally understand and I-I probably shouldn't have come at you but I didn't think too much, I.."

Seeing him getting all frustrated and stuttering, I couldn't help but giggle. Something I haven't done in months. He looked at me surprised.

"Are you and Hinata still together?" I ask. He nods. "I'm happy for you."

He blinks in surprise. "D-Does that mean you forgave me?"

I looked at him and my heart hurt. His eyes were glittering full of hope. Naruto was like an open book, one could see what he felt written on his face. I realized how stupid I've been. I should have forgiven him long ago, in high school. He really does love Hinata and we were just children back then, we didn't know anything about love. He just made a mistake and I was too proud to forgive him.

"I should have done it long ago. I'm sorry too.. I didn't think you would still remember me and there would be no point in talking with you."

"Are you an idiot?!" He yelled, surprising me. "I didn't forget about you, I never will. We were best friends and then.. I really liked you Sakura, it just.."

"Didn't work." I complete, smiling.

Strangely, I feel better after talking with him. I didn't expect to meet him here. When I got out of the house, I didn't expect anything good to happen.

"So.. Are we friends?" He asked smiling.

"Friends." I replied.

Just then I realized what I've done. I accepted him back in my life which only means he'll leave again. I'll be alone again. I felt sick and my throat was dry.

"Sakura, are you alright?"

I didn't hear him anymore. I panicked. I heard voices in the distant and people started walking by me. I covered my ears.

"No.." I whispered.

"...kura"

"Go away.."

"Sa.."

"No, I don't want this again!" I yelled.

"Sakura!"

When I opened my eyes, I was on the ground, Naruto in front of me. His hands were on my shoulders and we were surrounded by people who stared at me.

"What happened?! Are you alright?" Naruto asked panicked.

"I.. I need to leave." I say as I get up.

"Wait, I'll come with you!" Naruto said.

I didn't say anything else. I ran, pushing the people away.

It happened again, just what I was afraid of—a panick attack.

I ran to my apartment which was close enough. I felt like drowning in the elevator. I quickly opened the door, hardly finding the knob.

"Hey, stop the noise!" A neighbour yelled.

I shut the door behind me and collapsed on the floor, my back glued to the door.

I was breathing hard, I was trying desperately to compose myself. I tried remembering where I keep the medicine I take whenever something like this happens. I found them and took three of them.

It's been this way since Gaara left and my parents divorced. It begun with nightmares until it reached the point I became afraid of people. My Mom didn't even observe, she doesn't even call me. I didn't even think about going to a psychologist. What would I tell him? I'm already at the age my parents' divorce shouldn't affect me and he would think I'm stupid I'm in this situation just because my boyfriend left me.

I'm pathetic.

I searched for my cigarettes and light one. I sat on the edge of the window, looking down at the world. My apartment is at the 10th floor.

I'm filled with confusion and can't even get my thoughts in order. I think about the past again. About how I hurt Naruto for so long, yet he's still the one asking for forgiveness, about how I treated Hinata after I found out she was dating Naruto, about all the boys that confessed to me in middle school and high school and I refused them, about Shikamaru and how much agony he felt because of me, about Gaara and how insecure I made him feel, about the band that split because of me, about Ino and what a failure of a friend I was, about my parents and about the dinners I didn't take with them because I was out with friends, about how I left Mom alone since Dad left, even about the person that bumped into me this morning and I ignored him.

I only hurt the ones I've ever loved. I only bring pain.

Before I realized it, I was crying again. I was always yelling when crying. I smoked all the cigarettes and threw myself on the bed, crying silently but uncontrollably.

At some point while crying, I fell asleep.

Next morning I wake early and drink some coffee. I don't like smoking in the morning. While sitting on my usual place on the window frame, I decided to go to college. One, because it was a beautiful day and two, because I acted strange yesterday. I was truly happy I met with Naruto, I wanted to apologize.

I dressed in some casual clothes and walked out of the apartment. I arrived at college in fifteen minutes. It didn't take me long to find Naruto, he was on one of the benches talking with someone.

I hesitate for a moment. Maybe I will disturb them, maybe Naruto got mad because I acted strange yesterday.

Before I could react, Naruto saw me even though I was quite far. He got up and waved at me. I shyly raised my hand and waved back.

The person next to him left. Seeing him smile, I got a bit of courage and approached him.

"Sakura-chan, morning!"

I put my hands in the pockets of my jacket.

"Hi." I replied.

"Uh..Uhm, did I do something wrong yesterday? I mean, I'm sorry if I did, I didn't even realize, I'm sorry if I got you mad!"

I couldn't help letting out a chuckle at his reaction.

"No, I just.. Had a bad day." I replied.

"Oh, are you fine now?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

He smiled again. "I'm happy then!"

Naruto didn't change a bit. I was quite jealous of him.

"Sasuke-teme, what took you so long?" I heard Naruto asking someone else.

I turn my head around and saw a pair of onyx eyes. For a moment, my breathing stopped. I was captivated by those eyes, I couldn't move.

"Teme, you here?" Naruto asked seeing he didn't reply.

I moved away so that he could face Naruto.

"Here." The boy said as he threw Naruto a dose.

"Thanks! By the way, Sakura-chan this is Sasuke, we've been to the same high school! Teme, she's Sakura-chan, we've been to the same middle-school."

I looked down, afraid to look in his eyes again. Only then did I realize I didn't look someone directly in the eyes for months.

I didn't raise my head. Instead, I saw someone handing me a dose of coffee. I looked up and saw Sasuke looking at me.

"Take it." He said seeing I don't make a move.

I hesitantly moved my hand and took it.

"Thank you."

I didn't know at that time that such a small encounter could be the start of something so important.

After I met Sasuke and reunited with Naruto I begun going to college. At first I would go twice a week, then more often. Hinata was at another college so it was just the three of us all day.

Those days were fun, almost as fun as the time I spent with everyone in middle school or the band in high school.

After two months or so, the four of us—me, Sasuke, Naruto and Hinata—begun going out in our free time. Hinata begun crying when she first saw me.

At day, everything was alright. At night, despair was getting me. Everytime I would be alone I felt like drowning. At that time, I didn't know how serious the problem I had was.

It was a cold winter Saturday and we decided to hang out at night and go drink something. It was seven thirty and we were supposed to meet at Shibuya station at eight. I was out of cigarettes and I couldn't calm down without smoking. I grabbed a jacket and hurried out.

I was walking fast without looking around me, I had my hands crawled in my pockets and a hood on my head. I had to cross the street and didn't realize the light turned red while I was still in the middle of the road. I didn't check my surroundings either. I heard a car approaching fast and when I looked to my left side, I only saw two lights approaching fast.

I thought that was the end for me. I thought the car would hit me and it would only be my fault again. I closed my eyes ready for the impact which indeed happened.

The car pushed me hard enough to make me touch the ground, but slow enough not to break anything.

I was scared, I couldn't move.

People started gathering and staring, the driver got out of the car and approached me. I didn't want to be there, I wished someone, anyone would come and save me. But then I realized I wasn't in a fairytale, not even a movie, and nobody would come and save me.

"Are you alright?!" Someone asked panicked.

I got up fast and ran away without looking back. I realized my leg was hurting but I kept running back to my apartment. I ran upstairs without having the patience to wait for the elevator. I opened the door—I didn't even realize I didn't lock it when I left—and collapsed in the bed.

I hugged my knees and put my head on them. I was shivering and begun crying silently. I didn't know why I was crying, my leg didn't hurt that much. Everytime I had a panick attack I would react like this.

I didn't know how much time passed but I was getting more and more scared. Everytime I have a panick attack I either take some medicine, smoke or sleep, but now I didn't have any medicine nor cigarettes and it was still early to sleep. I didn't know what to do, I couldn't even think of going out to buy medicine or cigarettes, I didn't even want to think about those stares.

I heard a knock and panicked even more. Who could be? Nobody knows where I live. Maybe the neighbour came to complain about the noise again.

"Sakura!"

I recognised the voice immediately. I ran to the door and opened it. Sasuke was standing there out of breath, staring at me.

"Sasuke, how—"

I couldn't ask him how he knew where I live, he approached and wrapped his arms around me. He held me so tight I could feel his heart beating.

"I'm so glad.." I heard him whispering.

His hug was warm, his arms were warm, he was warm. I put my hands around him and begun crying again.

"Sasuke." I said between tears.

"I'm here." He said looking at me, still holding me.

"Sasuke." I called him again, crying more and more.

He put his hand on my cheek and looked in my eyes. He approached slowly and kissed me.

God, his lips felt like heaven.

He broke the kiss and wiped away my tears with his hand.

"Sasuke, don't go." I said and kissed him again.

"I'm not going anywhere Sakura, I'm right here."

We kissed again and again until I stopped crying. He took me in his arms and put me on the bed.

That night we made love. That night I slept and dreamed about my childhood.