Chapter 5: Snape's Worst Memory

Fifth Year

September 1, 1975 Monday, 7:00 PM

Sirius and James anxiously watched as the sorting began. Normally, neither was remotely interested in the sorting nor bothered to even watch, but this year was different.

This year, they were waiting for someone.

"Diana Wood," Professor McGonagall announced.

Both Sirius and James watched intently as a small girl with chestnut brown hair and ocean blue eyes sat on the stool.

Sirius eyed her sadly.
She wasn't really Diana Wood but Davison, his youngest sister. She had been only a few months old when their parents had died.

Back when he had still been Lee Davison.

When their parents had passed away, his whole family had been ripped apart.
Sirius had had three siblings; Chris who was three years older, Karen who was just a year younger than himself, and Diana who was four years younger.

Chris had been sent to live with their father's brother, Uncle Jeff, who lived in Norway. Since Chris had attended Durmstrang, Sirius rarely saw him during the school year and only occasionally during the holidays.

Next was Karen who was the mystery of the lot. She had disappeared without a trace after her adoption and Sirius had often wondered.
Where was she now? Was she happy? Or was she being abused and mistreated by her new family?
Was she even alive?

His youngest sister Diana on the other hand, had been adopted by the Woods who had wished to raise her as their own child and had asked the others not to reveal that she had been adopted. Sirius had always felt that it was unfair of the Woods to request such a thing, but had come to understand their motive as time passed.
Having been adopted himself, Sirius could clearly understand how an adoptee felt.

It didn't matter how loving and kind his adoptive parents were.
There were always the doubts, that constant need to please, and the fear that they too would leave him.

Sirius was grateful that Diana, at least, had not had to grow up amidst these emotions.

Sirius himself was supposed to have been adopted by the Potters.
They had been given the authority, as immediate family, to choose one of the children to adopt. After much hesitation (after all, how can you be expected to readily choose between your nieces and nephews?), they had chosen to adopt Sirius.

Then the Blacks had asked to adopt Sirius.

Why?, Sirius had wondered numerous times.

Since the Potters had already asked to adopt Sirius, the Blacks had been offered the opportunity to adopt any of his other siblings.
But the Blacks had been insistent on their decision and had announced that Sirius was the only one they wanted.

Why? Why him?

The Blacks and the Potters had fought for custody over Sirius and surprisingly, the Blacks had won.

Why? How was that possible? Surely the Potters had the first priority as his aunt and uncle?
It couldn't have been the Blacks' power or authority for they were equal in level of power, authority, wealth, blood status, and such.

But then, why?

And so, Lee Davison had become Sirius Lee Black.

Though he did wonder why the Blacks had adopted him, Sirius was always thankful that they had because he couldn't imagine life without Gwen.
Even though he had mourned the loss of his parents and the separation from his siblings, he had managed because he had had Gwen.

He was aware that he and Gwen were different from the average brother and sister.
By different, he wasn't simply referring to the fact that they weren't blood-related.
Because he loved her as much as a sister, in fact even more than Chris who was his actual blood related sibling.

It was more that they had some sort of bond; greater than that of sibling, or even twins, and the best of friends.
He couldn't really explain what it was; maybe he was still too young to understand.
All he knew was that it had always been there between them and that he would never be able to find this sort of bond with anybody else.

---

GRYFFINDOR! The hat announced and Sirius and James cheered and clapped ecstatically.

Sirius had hoped, no prayed, that Diana would be in his House. He had been terrified that she, like Regulus, would end up in Slytherin and he would lose her as well, before he even got to know her.

When Regulus had begun at Hogwarts, Sirius had desperately hoped that he would be sorted into his House so that they could be like brothers, at least in one sense.
Though they had been closer before Hogwarts, they had never been as close as Sirius had wished they could be.

They had never been as close with each other as both were with Gwen, perhaps due to rivalries.
Regulus had always envied Sirius for the favor he earned with their father while Regulus himself was often reprimanded for being weak and too sensitive. Sirius, on the other hand, had always felt sorry and guilty towards Regulus, feeling that he was stealing their father's affection from Regulus.

Regulus' envy and Sirius' guilt had always become a unseen barrier between them and Sirius had hoped that they could be bonded through House unity but instead, an additional barrier had been formed between them.

November 7, 1975 Friday, 11:38 PM

"I did it!" Gwen shrieked with delight.

The other Marauders immediately looked to corner where she had been to see a flaming bird in her place.

"She's a bird," Peter said slightly perplexed, unable to see how there could be anything bird-like about her.

"Not just any bird," Remus started.

"Gwen's animagus form is," James continued.

"A phoenix," Sirius finished.

"It suits her," he said softly as he remembered the phoenix's powers and Gwen's own extraordinary 'power'.
It also suited her since the phoenix was a firebird known for the healing powers of its tears and Gwen's dream was to become a Healer.

For the next few hours the boys, with Gwen's help, worked harder than ever now that their goal was nearly within their grasp, until finally…

"Bark!"

Gwen giggled as a large furry black dog leapt on her. The dog's fur was sleek and shaggy, just like Sirius' hair.

James had also succeeded in his transformation and was a stag.

"Wow, a deer," Peter said with awe.

"Not a deer, Peter, a stag."

A few months later Peter finally succeeded, with help from the rest, and transformed into a rat.

---

The Marauders were relaxing in the Gryffindor boys' dormitory when Sirius spoke up.
"I've been thinking," he started.

"You!? Think!?" James asked with mock horror.

"Yes," Sirius waved a hand at him impatiently, "As I was saying, we should give each other nicknames."

"I'll go first," James volunteered.

Immediately, the other four began suggesting names.

"Rudolph. No, no Vixen!" Sirius said, "Vixen is the one like you."

"Hey," James protested, "I am not an arrogant prat!"

"If you say so." Sirius shrugged.

"Bambi."

"NO!" James glared.

"How about Prongs since your antlers look like prongs?" suggested Remus, the practical one.

"Okay."

"Your turn, Gwen."

"Fireball."

"No."

"Chicken."

"No," Gwen glared.

"What?" Sirius defended, "Phoenixes are reborn as chicks."

"Red."

"No."

"Singer."

Gwen mused over the name for a moment. Phoenixes were known for their magical song which increased the courage of those pure at heart and fear in those impure at heart.
"No."

"Pearl."

"Aw, Sirius, I know you love me," Gwen grinned, "but why Pearl?"

"Because you, my Starr, are the pearl of my heart, my love," Sirius said solemnly, looking intently into her eyes.

"Likewise, love," Gwen replied as she gently stroked his cheek.

The pair then burst out laughing and James looked at them with amusement while Remus and Peter snorted, too accustomed to their pretentious 'flirtations' to think otherwise.
This sort of behaviour was not uncommon between the two and apparently, they found it amusing to pretend to 'flirt'.

Sirius and Gwen are, without a doubt, the strangest pair of twins I have ever met, Remus thought with amusement.

"Now, if you two are done with your little make-out session," James teased, "why did you come up with the name 'Pearl', Sirius?"

"Because phoenixes are known for their healing tears," Sirius explained, "and tears are pearl-shaped."

"It's perfect," Gwen smiled.

"An unexpected ingenuity," said James, grinning as Sirius glared.

"Sirius' turn!"

"Furball."

"No," Sirius growled.

"Fluffy."

"No," he glared.

"But it's such a cute name," Gwen protested with a laugh.

"Exactly," Sirius muttered.

"Grim," James said, "No offence mate, but you look a lot like the Grim."
"You could really scare the living daylights out of somebody one day," James said with a mischievous glint in his eye.

"Hmm," Sirius mused over the name, "No."

"Paws."

"No."

"By the way, it feels a bit strange having paws," Sirius commented.
"I can't even move my fingers because they're pad-Padfoot," he finished thoughtfully.

"What?" Peter asked confusedly.

"Padfoot, I'm Padfoot," said Sirius.

"Hey! You can't name yourself," said James.

Sirius shrugged. "I'm special."

"Yeah, sure. Whatever you say."

They rounded on Peter next.

"Mickey."

"No."

"Gus."

"No!"

"Lucifer."

"No." Peter rolled his eyes.

"Jerry."

"No!" Peter said, "I'm a rat, not a mouse."

"Why don't you transform so we can try to figure out a name?"

"Squeaky."

Peter whipped his tail furiously.

"Ugh, you know your tail looks just like a worm when you do that?" Sirius said looking slightly nauseous.

"Wormtail."

"Sure," Peter said as he transformed back.

Everyone turned to Remus.

"Wolf boy."

"Too obvious," Remus rolled his eyes.

"Beast."

"Gee, thanks," he said sarcastically.

"I guess that's a 'no'," Sirius replied cheekily.

"Fluffs."

"No. And don't even think of trying furball or fluffy."

"Don't fancy fur? How about hair? Hairball."

"Sirius! Be serious!" Gwen glared, daring him to make a pun.

"How about Moony since your Boggart turns into a moon?"

"Excellent."

June 10, 1976 Thursday, 12 PM

Sirius, James, Remus, and Peter were sitting under the beech tree by the lake after finishing their Defense Against the Dark Arts OWL. Sirius was looking out into the lake, bored, when he spotted Severus.
"Excellent," he said softly. "Snivellus."

"All right, Snivellus?" said James loudly.
"Expelliarmus!" he shouted as Severus immediately reached for his wand.

"Impedimenta!"

Severus who had been diving to reach his wand was knocked off his feet and a crowd of students began to form.

"How'd the exam go, Snivelly?" said James.

"I was watching him; his nose was touching the parchment. There'll be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word," Sirius said viciously as the crowd around them laughed.

"You—wait," Severus panted as he glared at James with loathing. "You—wait…"

"Wait for what?" Sirius said coolly. "What're you going to do, Snivelly, wipe your nose on us?"

"Wash out your mouth," James said coldly as Severus let out a mix of swearwords and hexes. "Scourify!"

Pink soap bubbles began to issue from Severus' mouths making him gag and choke.

"Leave him ALONE!" Lily yelled furiously from behind him.

"All right, Evans?" James said in an impressive, or so he thought, tone.

"Leave him alone," Lily demanded, ignoring his question. "What's he done to you?"

"Well," James said, seeming to deliberate the point, "it's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean…."

The crowd began to laugh but Lily merely stared at him coldly. "You think you're funny, but you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone."

"I will if you go out with me, Evans," James said quickly with a grin. "Go on…Go out with me, and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."

"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid," Lily said with outrage.

Outrage at him for tempting her and at herself for being tempted.

Every chance he got, he would ask her out, and every time she would be forced to remind herself of the consequences if she did accept.
Because though she despised his arrogance, his bullying, his immaturity there was no denying the attraction she felt towards him.

It had always been that way, from the first moment she had seen him.
And the more she told herself that she had to stay away from James Potter, the more she told herself she had to resist, the more she couldn't, no didn't even want to, resist.

"Bad luck, Prongs," Sirius said briskly then cried out in surprise as he turned to Severus. "OY!"

With a flash of light, a gash appeared on James' face splattering his robes with blood.
Fortunately for James, he had good reflexes in battle and in a flash, Severus was hanging upside down in the air, revealing his skinny legs and graying underpants, and James had the upper hand once more.

"Let him down!" Lily said furiously as she barely managed to suppress a smile.

"Certainly," said James and Snape fell to the ground in a heap but quickly stood up with his wand up.

"Locomotor mortis!" said Sirius and Severus kneeled over, rigid as a board.

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" shouted Lily as she took out her own wand.

"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you," said James earnestly.

"Take the curse off him, then!"

(Draco snickered. "Now we know where Harry gets his hero complex from."

Liana laughed. "Remind me to show him this. He'll love to 'meet' his parents."

Sighing deeply, James turned to Severus and muttered the countercourse. "There you go, you're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus—"

"I don't need help from a filthy little Mudbloods like her!"

Lily blinked then said coolly, "Fine, I won't bother in the future. And I'd wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus."
Severus really had changed. Lily hadn't wanted to acknowledge it, but it was the truth. She finally had to acknowledge that they could no longer maintain their friendship, not when they were on opposite sides of the war.

"Apologize to Evans!" James roared at Severus, pointing his wand at him.

"I don't want you to make him apologize," shouted Lily as she rounded on James, "you're just as bad as he is…"

"What?" yelped James. "I'd NEVER call you a—you-know-what!"

"Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just gotten off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can—I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK," said Lily before she turned on her heel and stormed away.

Don't let him distract you, Lily, Lily told herself as she stormed away.
He's only interested because he thinks you're a challenge. He only thinks you're a challenge.

Perhaps she could come to believe it if she told herself so enough times.
Because deep down, Lily knew that it wasn't actually fear of heartbreak but of death that kept her away from James. Yes. Death. Ever since she could remember, Lily had had that dream. The dream that always left her breathless and terrified. It was always the exact same dream yet the fear never ceased.

[Flashback of dream

Lily was in a cozy living room sitting on the couch next to a young man with messy jet black hair and hazel eyes. Both appeared to be in their early twenties and Lily was holding a small child in her arms.

"I'll be right down after I put Harry in his crib, James," said Lily as she smiled at the man.

"Goodnight, Harry," said James lovingly as he kissed his tiny forehead.

Suddenly, James became still as a horrified look came over his face.

"Lily, take Harry and go! It's him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off—"

Lily rushed from the room as she heard the door being crashed down. All too soon, HE was in front of her and Lily began screaming and pleading. With a green flash of light, Lily was engulfed in darkness and she woke with a start.

[End of flashback

Lily had always thought that the dream was merely that; a very chilling and realistic dream but yes, just a dream.

But then she had come to Hogwarts and had met James. He, the man from her dream, could only be him. They looked too much alike, not to mention the identical names, for it to be a mere coincidence.
And she was afraid that if she gave in to James and went out with him, the dream would become a reality. She told herself that it was because she knew that James would use her that she kept him away, not because of the dream. Even to herself, she did not acknowledge that she feared the dream, because perhaps if she didn't acknowledge it, it would somehow go away…

She was unworthy of being a Gryffindor.
Yes, she was a coward, but was it really so bad of her to be afraid? Who could blame her? Who could be expected to deliberately choose a certain path when one clearly knew where it would lead?

Murder and heartbreak.
Jameswould end up breaking her heart, that much was true. Because he would leave her. Albeit it wouldn't be abandonment, it would not change the heartbreak.
That combination of sorrow, grief, and anguish far more intense then anything she had ever felt or believed possible; that ache which stayed with her even after she had awoken.

And so she had to break free, to walk away, while she could.

"Evans!" James shouted after her, "Hey, EVANS!"
"What is it with her?" he said, trying and failing to look nonchalant.

"Reading between the lines, I'd say she thinks you're a bit conceited, mate," said Sirius with a slight smirk.

"Right," said James, who looked furious now, "right—"
Why does she hate me so much? It's not fair, he thought angrily.

She had never even given him a chance. He had liked her the moment he had seen her and she had hated him just as instantly.

[Flashback

James was sitting in a compartment with several other new first years while Sirius was with his neighborhood friends.

He had been discussing their excitement on attending Hogwarts with the others; Frank Longbottom, Benjy Fenwick, Dorcas Meadows, and Alice Cullen, when the compartment door opened.

"Hi, do you mind if we join you? Everywhere else is full," a pretty girl with long auburn hair and emerald green eyes said. "I'm Lily Evans by the way."

"I'm Adrianne Belby," the girl next to her said.

"Sure, we don't mind," Alice said generously while the others nodded in welcome.

James simply stared at Lily, unable to look away.

One by one, the others in the compartment began to introduce themselves.

"I'm James Potter," said James, smiling at Lily.

Immediately, a look that was a cross between shock and horror came across her face as she looked at him before she scowled and quickly turned away.

James looked away, feeling slightly hurt by her unspoken rejection.

No, no, it couldn't be true…It's just a coincidence that he looks like the man from my dream, Lily was telling herself desperately.
But it wasn't.

[End of flashback

"Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?" said James as he hung Severus upside down in the air with his wand.

Before he could so much as lift his wand however, Severus' pants had dropped to reveal white briefs covered with large red hearts, causing the crowd around them to laugh hysterically.
The Marauders looked at Severus in shock for a moment before they too joined in the laugher.

"I always knew you were gay," Sirius wheezed, "but hearts?"

"They're not mine," Severus growled, turning bright red. He scanned the crowd and caught a mischievous smirk before with a flash of red, she was gone.
"Lily," he growled.

"Uh-oh, look!" Peter suddenly yelped as a figure headed towards them.

The crowd around them immediately dispersed as they saw her fuming expression.

"Merlin, she doesn't look toohappy, does she?" James said apprehensively, taking in her fuming expression.

"I'm sure you can calm her down a little, can't you, Padfoot? She always listens to you…"

"I suppose," Sirius replied doubtfully.

She reached the Willow tree and the Marauders cringed as she glared at them.
"Must you guys always humiliate Severus like that?" she demanded irritably. "There's a difference between pranking and bullying!"

For the next few minutes, she continued to berate them and by the time she had finished, even the incorrigible Marauders were almost looking shamed. Almost.

"Aw, Gwen, must you always ruin our fun?" Sirius pouted

"You mustn't pick on poor Severus just because you're bored, Sirius," said Gwen, rolling her eyes.

("Well, you have to hand it to her; the only one capable of handling the infamous Marauders," said Liana admiringly.

"Yes," Draco agreed.
"There's something about her that makes you respect her, something that commands obedience…perhaps her charisma?" he mused, "she just has an air of… authority."

"She's not the only one you know," said Liana
"You have that too, that 'charisma' as you call it," she informed him as he merely looked at her with astonishment.

"I do?"

"Yes, you do. Didn't you ever notice how easily you're able to influence others when you want to?" Liana asked incredulously. "Not all of us are capable of obtaining what we want as easily, you know."
"Besides, you didn't think it was just because of you father that you were the 'Slytherin Prince', as you call it, did you?" she questioned at Draco's astonished look.

"Well, actually I did," he admitted.

"There's a limit to how much authority money or a powerful father can give you," Liana stated with a knowing air.
"But I suppose you're right in a sense about it being because of your father since you got the trait from him. He had it too," she said.

"Well, that's nice to know," Draco smirked.)

---

The next morning Gwen came down to breakfast to see that Severus wasn't amongst their usual group of friends.

"Where's Severus?" Gwen asked.

"He didn't come to back our dorm last night," Lucius replied.

"I heard he's staking out in front of the Gryffindor common room," said Evan.

"Yeah, he's waiting for that Mudblood Evans," said Magus.

"Don't call her a Mudblood," Gwen said crossly.

Rabastan snorted. "What is it about her that has both you and Severus so enraptured with her?" he asked.

"She's a great person. You would see it too if you let yourselves," Gwen retorted.

After breakfast Gwen left the hall accompanied by Aquila and Narcissa as usual.

"Where are you going?" asked Narcissa as Gwen headed for the staircase.

"I'm going to the Gryffindor common room to find Severus," Gwen replied.
"You two can go on ahead to our common room," she added.

"Alright."
With a wave the two disappeared into the dungeons while Gwen headed to the Gryffindor tower.
She reached the entrance to find Severus sitting in front of the portrait. The portrait door opened and several sixth years filed out, giving him dirty looks as they passed.

"What happened?" Gwen said softly.

Severus let out a deep sigh. "I was a bloody fool. Lily was defending me and I got embarrassed and insulted her…I called her a Mudblood."

He gave another sigh. "I can't believe I called her that. I didn't even realize that I thought her one until it slipped out."
"Do you remember when the three of us first met on the train?" he asked abruptly.

Gwen nodded, smiling slightly at the memory.

"I thought we would always remain friends then. I thought that it wouldn't matter that she was in Gryffindor and I in Slytherin. I thought it wouldn't matter that she was Muggle-born. The war came between us in the end though," said Severus.

The war came between us in the end though.

The words echoed in her mind. Would she and Sirius be able to keep the war from coming between them? Or would it come between the two of them as well?

If so, how much more time did she have before they would be estranged?