Chapter 6
After I was done showering and pretty much decent, I plopped myself onto the sofa.
"This is a really nice house, you've got" I said, gesturing around me. "I feel like I'm in a forest."
"Thanks" Paul smiled, sitting on the floor next to me with his back against the couch. "Krissy decorated it for me. She's an interior designer; it's her job."
"Cool" I smiled back, as I studied his features. I was wondering when he had last slept because he looked as exhausted as I felt.
He leaned his head on the cushion next to mine and yawned. "Guess I could rest for a minute..."
His eyes closed.
A sudden picture flashed into my mind, clear and strong, like I was actually seeing it, but in a way I wasn't. It was a picture of a balcony at night and a painted moon hanging in the sky. I watched the girl in her nightdress lean on the railing and talk to herself.
Meaningless... but when I slowly struggled back to consciousness, the picture troubled me, though I wasn't sure why.
Paul's slow, deep breathing was the only sound in the room- like a lullaby hummed to a child, like the whisper of a rocking chair, like the ticking of an old clock when you had nowhere you needed to go...It was the sound of comfort.
I let my mind wander away from my fantasies and though about reality instead. I knew I shouldn't have gone up on the cliff, even though I wasn't going to jump. That would have been stupid. And not just the cliff, but the motorcycles and the whole irresponsible Evel Knievel bit. What if something bad happened to me? What would that do to Charlie? Harry's heart attack had pushed everything suddenly into perspective for me. A perspective that I didn't want to see, because- if I admitted to the truth of it- It would mean that I would have to change my ways. Could I live like that?
Maybe. It wouldn't be easy; in fact, it would be down-right miserable to give up my hallucinations and try to be a grown-up. But maybe I should do it, if not for my sake, but for other people. And maybe I could, if I had Paul.
I couldn't make that decision right now. It hurt too much. I would think about something else, which wouldn't be too hard to find. I defiantly had something to think about. Like, telling Paul that I only wanted to be friends right now until I had put myself in line. Somehow, I don't think it would be right for me to say it like that to him.
My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a car squelching through the mud on the road outside. I heard it stop in front of the house, and the doors started opening and closing. I thought about sitting up, and the decided against that idea. My body just wanted to lie here limp, to never move again.
The door opened, and the light flicked on. I blinked, momentarily blind. Paul startled awake, gasping and jumping to his feet.
"Sorry" Jared mumbled. "Did I wake you?"
My eyes slowly focused on his face, and then, as I could read his expression, they filled with tears.
"Oh, no, Jared!" I moaned.
He nodded slowly, his expression hard with grief. I jumped of the sofa, completely forgetting my tiredness, and hugged him which he returned.
Paul came over, looking pained. The pain made his face suddenly childlike- it looked odd on top of the man's body.
"I'm so sorry" I whispered, letting go of Jared.
"Jared sighed. "It's gonna be hard all around."
"Where's Charlie?"
"Your dad is still at the hospital with Sue. There are a lot of... arrangements to be made."
I swallowed hard, trying not to cry. No one needed a hysteric Bella on their hands. It wouldn't change or help anything.
"I'd better get back there" Jared sighed. "I only came to give you the news." And, with that, he ducked hastily out the door.
Paul stared after him for a minute, and then came to sit on the floor with me again. He put his face in his hands. I rubbed his shoulder, wishing I could think of anything to say.
After a long moment, Paul caught my hand and held it to his face.
"How are you feeling? Are you okay? I probably should have taken you to a doctor or something." He sighed.
"Don't worry about me" I croaked.
He twisted his head to look at me. His eyes were rimmed in red. "You don't look so good."
I shrugged. "Don't worry about me."
Something told me that now wasn't the time to tell Paul that I just wanted to be friends with him.
"I'll go get your truck and then take you home- you probably ought to be to be there when Charlie gets back."
"Right."
I lay listlessly on the sofa while I waited for him. The whole house was silently. I felt like a peeping tom, peering through the cracks at a private sorrow that wasn't mine.
It didn't take Paul long. The roar of my truck's engine broke the silence before I expected it. He helped me up from the couch without speaking, keeping his arm around my shoulder when the cold air outside made me shiver. He took the driver's seat without asking, and then pulled me next to his side to keep his arm tight around me. I leaned my head against his chest.
"How will you get home?" I asked quietly.
"I'm not going home. We still haven't caught the bloodsucker, remember?"
My next shudder had nothing to do with the cold.
It was a quiet ride after that. The cold air had woke me up. My mind was alert, and it was working very hard and very fast.
What if? What was the right thing to do?
I couldn't imagine my life without Paul now- I cringed away from the idea of even trying to imagine that. Somehow, he had become essential to my survival. But to leave thing the way they were...was that cruel, as Mike had accused?
I remembered wishing that Paul were my brother when I first saw him. I realized now that all I really wanted was a claim on him. It didn't feel brotherly when he held me like this. It just felt nice- warm and comforting and familiar. Safe. Paul was a safe harbor.
I could stake a claim. I had that much within my power.
I would have to tell him everything, I knew that. It was the only way to be fair. I would ahve to explain it right, so that he would know I wasn't settling, that he was much too good for me. He already knew I was broken, that part wouldn't surprise him, but he would need to know the extent of it. I would even have to admit that I was crazy- explain about the voices I heard. He would need to know everything before he made a decision.
But, even as I recognized that necessity, I knew he would take me in spite of it all. He wouldn't even pause to think it through.
I would have to commit to this- commit as much of me as there was left, very one of the broken pieces. It was the only way to be fair to him. Would I? Could I?
Would it be so wrong to try to make Paul happy? Even if the love I felt for him was no more than a weak echo of what I was capable of, even if my heart was far away, wandering and grieving after my fickle Romeo, would it be so very wrong?
Paul stopped the truck in front of my dark house, cutting the engine so it was suddenly silent. Like so many other times since we've met, he seemed to be in tune with my thoughts now.
He threw his other arm around me, crushing me against his chest, binding me to him. Again, this felt nice. Almost like being a whole person again.
I thought he would be thinking of Harry, but then he spoke, and his tone was apologetic. "I know I've dumped a lot on you this past few weeks, sorry. I just want you to know that I don't mind whatever decision you make, as long as it will make you happy. I swear I don't mind, I'm just so glad you're okay that I could sing0 and that's something no one wants to hear." He laughed his throaty laugh in my ear.
My breathing kicked up a notch, sanding the walls of my throat.
"Come on, let's get you inside" Paul said, jumping out of my truck and at supper-speed ran around it so he could open my door for me.
"Thanks" I smiled, blushing. Curse the stupid blush. Paul just chuckled.
Hearing Paul chuckled, it made me realise that everything was going to be all right. Eventually.
AN: Oh my gosh, it's snowing! After I finished this chapter, I'm gonna go out and freeze my back-side off :DDDDDDDDD
There aren't so many thank yous but I'm gonna say them anyway:
Thank you to:
Seza3175, Pearls-A-QT and Firefox Shai for putting my story on your Story Alert
Thank you to:
Seza3175 and Firefox Shai for putting my story on your favourite story list
And last but not least, thank you to:
Pearls-A-QT for putting me on your Author Alert
Just remembering, keep those reviews coming
~Poison Ivey