The Mystery and Vengeance of the Missing Cookie

Deep Inhale.

"Mmmm" was the sound that escaped every Akatsuki member's lips. Someone was baking. And who was the one and only person in their lair, capable of making the heartless criminal's mouths water? Me! Of course!

Chocolate chip cookies were cooking in the oven. Each biscuit the size of my hand, one for each of my babies. Including Konan. Yes, she makes me clean but hey, I get revenge later on. And as for my song for tonight, I have it all planned out. A more cheerful, pop-like song.

"Boom, boom, boom, boom! I want you in my room! Let's spend the night together, from now until forev-"

"Oh, Mama," Quia's voice interfered, "if you wanted me that badly, you only needed to ask" she sarcastically commented, turning her freak on.

"Oh go away and rape Plant Man" I teased. But her inner freaky just seductively replied in a disturbing nature, "It's not rape if you yell 'surprise'!!"

"EW! Shoo! Go away, you nasty!"

"Oh, don't hate me, coz you ain't me!"

"Who'd wanna be you?!"

"Uh…me, of course! I mean if I were you, then I'd wanna be friends with myself"

"…That doesn't make sense"

"Yes it does. My mind is just too highly intelligent for your puny, little brain"

"Hey! Leave my brain out of this"

"Make me!"

"If you start this again, you know I will win. So you better drop it or I will exterminate your cookie"

That was when she ceased everything, wearing a shocked face, "You dare drag my cookie into this!!! How dare you!!! How do you sleep at night?"

"I sleep like a baby!"

"Well…I hope you sleep not like a baby!"

…

"That…was the most. Stupidest. Retarded. Come-back that could ever be recorded in the books of history"

"Oh shut up!"

"I have your cookie in my oven and I'm not afraid to eat it! So you better respect me"

And then I heard her mumble something around the words of 'don't worry my baby, I will save you'.

"Well, go away. I need the kitchen, and I don't need your idiot atmosphere tainting my babies baking in the oven"

"I'm not an idiot" Papa childishly grumbled, stalking away, "I am a very highly intelligent person!" she immaturely yelled before storming out the doors. But I just murmured, "Yeah…in your head".

I took one more look into the oven and smiled at the smell of cookies and the rush of heat blowing into my face.

"Mm, they're ready", and when I had said that, Tobi appeared from out of nowhere, sitting on top of the counter, kicking his legs cheerfully, awaiting the arrival of his favourite kind of biscuit. The mitts encased my hands as I took the cooked babies out of the kiln and onto the stove, letting them cool.

"Tobi, get off the bench. It is for cooking not your butt. If you want to sit, we use chairs"

"Yes, ma'am. Uh! Tobi means, Elle-chan" he obeyed, sliding off the table.

I smiled at him. "It may take a while for them to cool, so you can go and I'll call you when they're ready"

"Oh, its okay, Elle-chan. Tobi can wait"

And then silence became the key when he just stood there, eyeing the choc-chip wonders. I moved the tray to the left. His facial features followed. Right. Follow. Left. Follow. I rolled it in a circular motion, and he followed. I increased the pace. And he still followed the cookies. Then I started moving it around so fast that it could've made me dizzy.

I stopped and Tobi fell to the floor.

BAM!

My voice just couldn't help but laugh.

"Come on, get up" I said, hauling him forwards by his bicep. And then a huge gush of wind swirled in the kitchen and when I turned, the cookies were missing.

A gut wrenching 'no-o-o-o-o' echoed, Tobi going all dramatic about the misplaced cookies. But I didn't care. My heart made, love filled biscuits were missing. GONE!!!

And there! I saw a trail of crumbs.

"Tobi!" I yelled.

He stopped and stared at me.

"We are going to find and murder the cookie thieves! You with me?"

"Yes Elle-chan!" he obediently cried.

"Okay, let's go!" and with that, I sprinted out of the kitchen following the crumb trail, with my trusty side kick running by my right, "okay, the cookie thief was an idiot to leave such an obvious-"

And before I knew it, the crumbs stopped. 'Damn it!'

I searched everywhere for any clues. None! DAMN! But Tobi caught my sights when I saw him stick his nose in the air. He took a sharp inhale and sped off down the hallway. He was just like the ninja he was supposed to be. BUT I'M NOT NINJA MATERIAL!!!

"OI!! SUNSHINE!! WAIT UP!!!" I yelled at the path of smoke. Then Goodie Two Shoes popped out of nowhere and practically threw me on his back, dashing away, following his nose.

Now, he was really fast. Like faster than the fastest man on 'Village' Earth. Like, Tobi could whoop his ass in a sprint. Now, the only way I could possibly describe my facial expression, is that in comparison, I was like a seventy year old grandma jumping out of a plane with a parachute strapped to her back. The wrinkles of her face defying gravity. But don't get me wrong, I'm not insulting grandma's, but I'm not exactly wrinkle wonder either!

But I have to admit, the adrenalin was absolutely exhilarating. Just so over-whelming, it was so cool!!!

"WHHHOOOOOOO!!!!" I yelled through the halls, my arms spread out, hands doing the 'spirit fingers', "Look Ma!! No hands!!!"

And then suddenly, my palm met contact with something, creating a huge slap sound, but me and Goodie Rainbow running away.

'What the hell was that...? Meh, oh well'

Then, all of a sudden, a deadly aura was behind us, a glare being shot into my back. I turned ever so slowly, only to see Deidara. Pissed. Mad. With a massive, red hand print on his cheek.

'Ohhhh, so that's what it was!'

Reasoning was out of the question when he buried his freaky little hands into his clay pocket holder thing-a-ma-gigies, and his hand-mouths spat out circular thing-o's. Wait a minute. Deidara was the bomb dude, right? …He wouldn't…would he?

And my question was answered when he threw the round pebble at Tobi's feet, creating a huge BANG!

Oh HAAYLL NO!!! "Oi, douche bag!!! I just mopped up that floor!!!" I yelled, a relation to the character 'Brenda' in Scary Movie 3, when the girl in the well dropped a whole hunk of water onto her carpet.

But Deidara didn't care. Even for my tattered floor or Brenda. He just threw the pebbles rapidly, one at a time, creating explosions, making his usual 'hmph' and 'un' and whatever else noises he does when he talks, for every throw.

"Oh shit! GIDDY UP, BESSIE!!!" I practically screamed into Tobi's ear. But it seems Little Miss Sunshine was in La-La Land, because when his nose dropped and saw the furious wonder chasing after us, he released an 'eep' and increased his pace.

"What did Tobi do?!?!" Lollipop questioned loudly.

"I'm sorry, it was me. I accidentally slapped him and- CRUMBS!!!"

There, leading down an opposite hall way, I saw a trail of sparkly light brown and choc-chips. I didn't need to tell Tobi because he was already at it, running down the black passage.

"Get back here, un!!!"

"Noooo!!!" Sunshine and I yelled back in unison.

But hey, this situation gets worse.

Kakuzu happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time with something temporarily and utterly wrong in his greedy hands.

He was counting money.

Oh, you're probably thinking 'oh, I'm so scared'. 'How scary…don't let him count my bills' or something else. But when Mr. Suicide Bomber couldn't control his mouth-hands and threw one of the pellets at Money Man, scaring him slightly, losing his grip on the notes, falling the burning flame below…let's just say 'castrate, murder and destroy Deidara' was moved to the top of his list to do today.

And damn! Did Dei-chan run. He was like 'zoom!!!!' and I was like 'woah' and Tobi was like 'woah' and Kakuzu was like 'roar!!!!' and we all were like, 'running'. Ha-ha, sorry, I just had to talk like that, I couldn't help myself.

But yeah, 'Three Mouths' was coming in first with 'Ka-Ching-Ching-Bling Man' hot on his tail while we were just running behind them, enjoying the show.

But road rage over came Tobi.

You know when it comes to driving, how if you cut off someone and they take it personal, that they cut you right back, and then a whole battle erupts. Yeah, that was what Lollipop was doing.

He just ran, he was first, but then the other two would speed up. Then the cycle would repeat and blah blah blah. Bottom line…we weren't getting anywhere. The cookie thief was still on the loose and we were running around getting nowhere.

But then Hidan found his way into the picture when Deidara remembered his original intension and threw another pellet, ending up in the Old Man's chest. KA BOOM, regenerate and revenge.

But for some reason, Tobi escaped to the outside that I labelled the backyard, ran into this glass house and climbed this HUGE, GIGANTIC tree!! I mean, it was growing past the roof! IT WAS MASSIVE!!!!! And Tobi, along with my self, were climbing it. Deidara followed, throwing the mini bombs, us dodging and not even fazing the thick tree trunk. But Kakuzu followed as well, trying to attack Deidara but always missing. Yet when I saw Hidan not accompanying us I tried searching for him. Extremely difficult too, flying through the air constantly with black smoke and stray dagger thingies getting thrown at you.

But THERE!!! At the ground!! Oh no…

"HIDAN, DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE!!!!!!!!!!"

Too late. He had already hacked his way through the tree with his huge, awesome looking scythe.

We were falling, going all slow-mo.

"HOOOOOLLLLLYYY MAAAAACCCCAAAAARROOOOONNIIIIIIII CHHEEEEESSSEEE" my slow voice echoed.

And then 'zoom!!!' We were gone. Tobi unleashed his inner ninja and ran out of that room faster than I could say… 'cheese'?

But god damn. Zetsu entered and saw the chaos of his tree falling, Hidan wearing a really big smile and holding his tooth pick weapon.

And now. All because of my cookies. Zetsu was chasing Hidan, who was following Kakuzu, who wanted to murder Deidara, who wanted to kill me who was piggy back riding Tobi.

Absolutely Marvellous (!)

Ah, the Chaos…

But bam! It hit me. The strong scent of my home made biscuits.

"Left!" I exclaimed into Lollipop's ear.

He obeyed, but it ended up being a door.

Sunshine applied the brakes just in time…only to have the following men crash through, landing on top of each other one at a time.

Everyone was groaning and yelling for each other to get off. I couldn't say jack poop because with all their weight, it was down right difficult to say anything at all! I struggled to get free, but it was no use, they were too heavy.

But then my eyes saw the thief.

"…Bitch…I should've known" I breathed, and that got them to stop.

Curled asleep in the bed, Quia was slumbering under the futon with a bunch of half eaten cookies by her side and its fragments around her lips. That was enough proof for us both, Tobes and I, to show that she was the infamous thief.

The men sensed my killer aura growing around me, because they were backing away.

"Wakey, wakey, princess…It's time to wake up" I spoke, deadly and murderous.

Papa shot up in fear and tried to run. But my hands were holding her shoulders firmly.

I clicked my tongue, "Tsk-tsk-tsk. Calm down. I just want to explain one thing…you stole the cookies…which made us chase, which got the fellas to chase, which ended up with me nearly dying, with you asleep peacefully…correct?"

She gulped and nodded.

"Lemme at her!!!" Tobi angrily and playfully roared, pretending to be restrained by invisible people.

"Oh no, Tobi, don't hurt her!!"

Sunshine stopped with surprise smeared on his face…well mask actually, but the façade was enough to show me he was surprised.

I turned to Quia, "30 seconds… and counting…"

And with that, she bolted out of the room.

"Why the fuck did you let her go?! You know it all started because of her!!!"

"Don't worry, we'll get her..."

"But we could've completed our revenge now" Kakuzu spoke, angered.

"Yeah, Elle-chan!!!"

"Why'd you do that, un?!"

I clicked my tongue again and waved for them to stop talking. They complied.

"I think that my prey on the run. Is much. More. Entertaining…"

Then, with my simple reply, evil grins that sought from ear to ear, was pasted upon their faces.

'I like the way this bitch thinks' Hidan, and the gentlemen thought mercilessly.

"Let's fuckin' go then"

"Ah-ah! She still has 10 seconds"

He grumbled and rested against the wall.

9.

Tobi got up and brushed the dirt of his robe.

7.

Deidara quickly fixed his blonde fringe, preparing his works of art.

6.

Kakuzu grinned underneath his mask.

4.

Zetsu merely sat behind, thinking of murderous ways to 'train' his pupil. Not sure whether in a perverse manner or torture.

2.

I got to my feet and made my way to the door.

0.

…

I exited, a deadly aura caressing my skin, darkness enclosing me and my following minions as we strolled through the door. And in the most cold, vicious tone, poison dripping from my tongue, I toy fully echoed.

"Marco…"

Quia dared not to answer 'polo'.

--

Silence.

Creak, creak, creak.

…

"GGYYYHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!" a female voice screeched.

"Pein, did you hear that?" Konan moaned.

"No"

"I'm serious, I heard something"

"Ignore it-"

"SAAAAAVEEEEEEE MEEEE!!!!!!" Quia screamed, crashing through and distressing the couple and their session of 'love'.

Yet before Papa could run and hide, a hand snaked its way to her collar dragging her out. Dark, hollow, brown eyes of their Maid and her voice "Sorry for disturbing you, we just need to have a moment…with this Akatsuki member"

Suddenly multiple eyes appeared from the shadow beyond the door. A truly terrifying sight.

Then, with the sound of Quia's nails on a chalk board, a female cry for help and the disgusting light tap of the door, the couple was left alone once again…their love completely turned off.

Moments later when they were getting changed, they heard another…

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

One sentence.

…'All because of my cookies'