Chapter 6:

my eyes are damp from the words you said

ringing in my head

when you broke my chest

because if your in love then you are the lucky one.

cause most of us are still bitter over someone.

James was right of course, Professor McGonagall was a bit prickly. At one point that night, McGonagall had threatened to jinx James if he didn't leave Lis alone. Once he left (after promising Lis he'd be back the next day) Lis saw a small smile play on the old woman's features. Lis had a feeling James as a favorite student of hers. Lis was drawn to the witch and likewise, Minerva (as she requested Lis to call her) seemed to not want Lis to leave her sight. After convincing Lis not to leave Hogwarts for good, Minerva then convinced Lis to stay in her private rooms for the night.

Lis loved the private quarters as the room was covered in warm maroon tapestries and it smelled like ginger biscuits. She slept on a soft couch buried in sheep skin and velvet. Minerva woke her up the next morning with a small elf at her side. Lis thought that maybe she had seen an elf similar to it before so she smiled kindly as it passed her a tray of warm breakfast. Eggs steamed next to buttered toast and Lis couldn't help feeling a warm sense of caring as she took the plate.

Minerva asked immediately with concerned eyes, "Are you feeling better?"

Lis nodded and pulled her breakfast towards her so she could eat it still buried in blankets, "I'm alright, thank you."

"I've contacted Dumbledore and he'll be back as soon as he finishes his business." Minerva looked pointedly at the elf next, "Sandy please alert me as soon as Professor Dumbledore returns. I will be gone for most of the morning, but I'll be due back in the afternoon."

The elf nodded and bowed before disappearing. Lis was taken aback at it's sudden disappearance and dropped her toast. Blushing at her mistake, Lis quickly picked it up, brushing crumbs off the blanket.

Minerva eyed her knowingly, "James mentioned you were having trouble adjusting to—things."

Lis wrinkled her nose, "I got more than I bargained for when I followed Sirius and James out of the pub."

Minerva laughed for the first time they met and it made Lis feel comfortable again, "Yes, well." The Professor had a fond twinkle in her eye, "Most people get more than they bargained for when it comes to those two."

Silence overtook them as they both became lost in their thoughts. Lis ate her breakfast and watched as Minerva sat at a desk and wrote things down in a small leather bound book. The room was decorated with few pictures but Lis especially liked the one photo that showed a young Minerva flying on a broomstick. Lis imagined that she would like to try and fly a broomstick sometime. When she said something about it to Minerva, the woman smiled.

"Yes," she answered, "Lily loved to fly, she got detention in her first year for breaking into the broom shed to try."

Lis thought about it hard, but couldn't bring any memories of flying to her brain, "I don't remember that."

Minerva cleared her throat, "I spoke to a couple of the other Professors last night out of curiosity and one of them is particularly excited with the prospect of helping you get back memories you may have lost."

Lis perked up, "How?"

"Finish your breakfast and we'll go to the Potions classroom to see." Minerva commanded softly, going back to her book.

Lis did as she was told and finished every crumb on her plate. She discard the plate on a table by the place she sat and diligently waited for Minerva to finish her writing. She spotted another picture, this one stationary, of Minerva with a young man. Lis imagined he was a part of her family and started to ask when Minerva stood up and left the room. Lis stood up and folded the blankets, awaiting the Professor's return.

Minerva brought Lis a new pair of robes. The robes were a little long in the legs but they did the job, even though Lis would've much preferred a decent pair of trousers. It seemed that wizards had no need for a proper pair of slacks.

Lis brushed her hair back with her fingers as she followed Minerva around the maze-like hallways of the castle. Lis felt like she was a ghost, walking through memories of a dream. Her fingers brushed along cold stonewalls that were covered in tapestries she'd seen before. Her feet stepped down a staircase she swore could move. Minerva guided her to a hallway that led into the depths of the castle. The air became thicker and the darkness swirled around their feet. Lis reached for her necklace and took in a deep breath, smelling a sweet inscence as she did so. The scent was not what she expected from the depth of the castle that they had descended into. Lis breathed it in deeper and sighed with a smile.

Eucalyptus and lavender.

Lily loved the smell, Slughorn always had it burning early in the mornings. He said it calmed the air.

"In here."

Even though Minerva was pointing her through the proper door, Lis had a feeling she'd have picked that door first out of any of the thick wooden doors.

Lis peeked around the corner with interest and saw a fat old man. His hair was receding off his head and he had a nervous look on his face as Minerva and Lis entered the quaint study. Unlike Minerva's study, his study was covered in jars of picked juices and crazy artifacts. Pictures lay strewn around of face after face that Lis was unable to place. The man fiddled with a silver pocket watch and watched Lis step closer and closer with bulbous black eyes.

"Hello," he fumbled to stand up swiftly, but he rocked a bit from his bulging belly.

Lis felt immediately like she should care about the man. She had a feeling that his nervous because of her similarities to the girl she was trying to remember.

"This is Professor Slughorn." Minerva motioned to Lis to say hello.

"Hello," she reached out with a smile and shook his hand over the desk he had been sitting at moments before.

She saw his lower lip wiggle and she had a feeling he was struggling with the meeting.

Slughorn's eyes shot back to Minerva with raised eyebrows, "Dumbledore's going to have a hard time believing this one."

Minerva clucked her tongue, "Were you able to produce the potion we spoke about last night?"

Slughorn sat back down, "of course." He reached into his desk and pulled out a flask, shaking it.

Lis stepped forward eagerly folding her hands together, "You can help me?"

"This potion can help restore memories as long as they were not lost due to a memory charm."

"I do not believe it was a memory charm." Minerva said softly, "She has a lot going for her in the Lily department."

Except for the body found at the orphanage. Lis was unable to not think to herself.

Slughorn observed Lis over his desk, "You must take 5mL," Slughorn pointed to a line on the bottle that repeated twice, "Take it once everyday for three days."

Lis couldn't help the nervous butterflies that seemed to erupt in her stomach as she reached across the desk and took the vial of potion from Slughorn's trembling fingers. They watched as she took the directed amount of potion, wincing at the bitter aftertaste it left in her mouth. Minerva seemed satisfied and put am arm around Lis' shoulders as the potion settled in Lis' stomach. Lis tucked the vial safely into her robes before smiling again at the man kindly. He was watching her with expectant eyes.

"Come along," Minerva said to Lis, "We must be going."

"Leaving so soon?" Slughorn looked sadder.

"I'm afraid Andrew is under the weather." Minerva spoke to Slughorn, "I want to see him before term starts."

"Of course," Slughorn nodded, knowing who Andrew was apparently, "Of course." he turned his black eyes onto Lis, "If you get bored, I'll be here the rest of the day."

As Lis prepared to leave with Minerva, her fingers brushing the handle to the door that led into the dark hallway, the Potions master cleared his throat. Lis turned to look at him inquisitively. He had a hopeful smile on his face.

"If you find Lily in that head of yours," he said kindly, "Tell her that I miss her company."

Lis was struck with the pain that Lily Evans had left behind more grieving souls than she could possible understand. the dark donjons felt even more desolate than they had before. Minerva was quiet as well while the pair walked up many flights of stairs and through many empty hallways. Lis got a glimpse of outside as they walked and saw that it appeared to be raining. Little droplets of water ran off each window they passed.

Minerva took Lis to a large library that had to take up a large portion of the castle. Lis twirled around admiring the shelves of books everywhere. Minerva showed her around the room quickly before introducing her to an young librarian wearing an eagle topped hat and bright pink robes.

"Stay on this floor of the castle," Minerva encouraged Lis, "I have to leave the castle for a bit, as my brother is unwell. I'll be back soon." Minerva turned to the old librarian, "Emma would you mind terribly keeping an eye on her?"

"Not at all." the librarian smiled, turning interested eyes on Lis.

Lis stepped through shelves and shelves of books related to magical theory. She didn't know if her head hurt from the potion she took or the amount of information her brain was registering. The librarian showed Lis all the school books Lily Evans had checked out as a student based on a record the library kept. Lis was especially interested in the charms books. It seemed like Lily loved them too as there were at least fifty of them checked out in the past. Lis settled under a window seat, burying her nose into book after book.

Rain pattered agains the window and time passed slowly. Sometimes the librarian would check up on her but Lis was fine, too stuck in the books to care about much else. Lis was reading up the theory of water origin charms when James Potter found her.

"There you are." his voice rang clearly through the stacks of books, making Lis looked up right away.

Lis smiled brightly at him, putting down her current book. She moved herself over to the edge of the window seat so he had a place to sit. He was wearing dark blue travel robes and his lower half appeared to be covered in mud from outside. He smelled like woods when he sat down and it was strangely soothing to Lis.

"And here I was worried you'd be bored when McGonagall mentioned leaving for a few hours." James continued teasing her, picking up one of the books and making a humored face when he saw it was charms.

"I'm reading all the books Lily ever checked out." Lis explained, crossing her legs and holding her chin in her hands.

James waved the book in the air playfully, "Lily checked out a whole book on Patronus charms?"

Suddenly, just the simple action of facing him in the window seat made her head spin. The book had a cloaked creature reaching out, like it was going to grab the person reading the book. Just the simple movement of adjusting her eyes to the book in his hands made her stomach roll and eyes glaze over. She felt like she was being thrown back into a weird time vortex.

Lily hated dementors.

She was terrified of vampires, frightened to snakes, and cautious of things that went bump in the night but nothing was like dementors. They drug up your fears. They pulled out your every fear from deep inside your brain. They tore at the fragment of your very soul.

Lily hated them and seeing dementors appear on the bridge at Hampton Court made her heart turn cold. Seeing children fall to the street in terror and not knowing what they were afraid of made her feet freeze to the floor. Seeing one of the creatures swoop towards her made her heart stop.

She remembered it clearly, the feeling of giving up. The feeling of sadness sweeping her entire body like she was getting doused in ice water. Lily regretted not reading that book she'd once checked out on patronus charms in seventh year. The charm was the only way to defeat a dement or and it was the only charm she could not produce full bodied. Lily almost lost her soul, had James not appeared and pulled her off the bridge into the icy and dank Thames. The freezing water shocked her body back into the ability to think. James reached for her shoulders, shouting to ask if she was okay.

James was shaking Lis's shoulders. His look of concern matched the memory. James was there sitting in the window seat with Lis but he was also in her minds eye...with Lily.

"Are you okay?' he asked with worry.

"Fine." she whispered, staring at him with horror in her face as she said so.

"You're lying." James whispered back, reaching out to caress her face lightly with two fingers.

She leaned away from his touch but that only made him more concerned.

Minerva has asked Lis just the day before about Hampton Court Bridge. It was like the entire question posed to Lis now made sense. She remembered everything, including the look on James Potter's face when he'd come running across the bridge, grabbing Lily, and pulling them both into the icy Thames.

James wasn't supposed to be with Lily that night. He was supposed to be on the other side of London. Dumbledore had specifically entrusted James in the protection of a woman that Voldemort had been after for information. James had left the woman and her children without second thought after he heard reports that Dementors were on Lily's side of the Thames.

Lis remembered the shouting match that had occurred afterwards. They'd fought for days on end at times, but never like that.

"Those children could've died!" she shouted, close to throwing her bottle of firewhisky at his head.

"I know!" he'd shouted back, fists curled in anger, "But I couldn't let you get your soul sucked out by a demon either, could I?!"

James shook her in the window seat again but it was like the James in front of her was behind a curtain. It was like Lis was seeing him for the first time. Lily had some very vivid memories of the man who claimed to have cared about Lily.

"Hey, talk to me!" James snapped angrily, finally, reverting Lis back to the present.

"You left your post." Lis whispered, fingers curling around oe of the books at her side.

"Which post?" James asked stupidly.

Lis stared at him with confusion, "Hampton Court Bridge." she snapped, unable to deal with the fact that he just let out that he'd left plenty of post.

James winced, "What about it?" James was suddenly very interested in one of the books on ancient charm history.

"You lied to Dumbledore?" Lis sat up straight, "You saved Lily-that day."

James awkwardly pushed at his fridge and looked like he'd rather not being having that conversation, "Er."

Lis wrinkled her nose at him in disgust, "Why did you lie?"

James licked his lips and awkwardly stretched, staring out the window, "I should get-"

Lis motioned around them fiercely, "No one's here to hear you confess that you left a mother and her kids to die, James."

James rolled his eyes and swung his legs out from under him, "I didn't leave them to die, Merlin, Lily. What d'you take me for?" he glared at her for effect but his glare didn't even make her flinch.

"Why, James?" she demanded, "Why lie? Why did Lily lie?"

That was the part that bother her most. When people spoke of Lily, they spoke so highly of her. Lis didn't ever imagine the woman posed as a saint...could be a liar. James turned his head in surprise at her, as if he couldn't figure her out. Then he glanced around at the books to make sure they were really alone. Then his hazel eyes turned back to her.

"The potion's returning your memories now, isn't it?" he asked softly, but not without passion, "McGonagall wrote us to say you'd taken a potion from old Sluggy. It was supposed to work as long as there were no memory charms."

"Guess Lily's in here somewhere." She countered, poking him with her finger, "Now tell me why you lied."

James seemed almost hesitant, "Well we lied because it wasn't my first infraction against Dumbledore's orders." he raised his eyebrows, "Lily was trying to protect me."

"Protect you?" She scoffed haughtily, "The way I'm remembering it, you were getting on my nerves!"

"And you were getting on mine!" he scoffed back with a playful slap to her wrist, "Always asking where I was going or what I was up too. You couldn't just trust me!"

She had another memory swirl around in her thoughts of lonely nights by a dying fire. She could remember clearly a watching the clock go from two in the afternoon to three in the morning with no sign of James. She remembered nights alone in a cold bed when James never returned.

"You kept me waiting." Lis stood up, phasing only for a moment to realize that she was referring to herself as Lily now.

"You don't know everything!" he replied firmly, "I kept you in the dark for your protection." he reached for her hand but she pulled it away, "Everything I did or lied about was for my family and friends."

Lis turned away from him completely, thoughts and memories swirling around and making her head hurt. She closed her eyes and tried to focus on breathing right so she wouldn't pass out again. Her breath hitched in her throat when his arms suddenly wrapped around her from behind. It was all too much, too fast and she felt sick.

"Enough arguing." he mumbled into her ear, "You shouldn't be so focused on those memories. They aren't important. What's important is that you're safe now."

Lis opened her eyes and he was there at her side. He was so very James and he made all of her ache with confusion. Lily remembered another memory of his arms wrapped around her while he whispered words into her ear. She could practically feel his hands tracing the sides of her body as they were wrapped up in a dark alcove, enamored with each other.

It was the first time Lis had ever realized that getting her memories back had better happen quickly because the current slew of memories was making her palms sweat and heart race.

"I missed you so much," he continued, as Lis tried to find a way to breathe in his arms, "What are you thinking right now? Talk to me."

"I-I need air." Lis whispered tragically, ripping herself from his grasp and running before she could see the hurt look on his face.

Lis found solace in the damp potions room. Slughorn welcomed her back with open arms and started to teach her to brew simple potions. The brewing was actually helping calm her mind. As she stirred a calming drought, memories of Lily's past swirled into her mind. each memory was like unlocking a little part of herself.

The day she met a boy named Severus and he told her she was a witch. The day her sister tried to break her wand out of jealousy. The day her mother was diagnosed with cancer. The night that Sirius surprised her with chocolate cake after she lost her pet cat.

"I named you Lily, after your grandmother." Lily was told after tea in the garden with a sickly Ms. Evans.

Lis took a spoonful of the calming drought and her mind cleared a bit from the haze of memories returning. Slughorn seemed to sense her shakiness and offered to help her with her memories. He went into a back room and came out with a shoebox that turned out to be full of photos. He picked a specific one out and handed it to her. Lis felt her heart break at the sight.

Lily-Lis-she was having trouble deciphering it anymore. She didm;t know who she was or if the memories were real or just daydreams.

The red haired beauty in the photo stood next to a beaming Professor Slughorn. Her dress was pure gold and her eyes were pure happiness. A christmas tree with twinkling lights shone behind them and Lis remembered the moment as if it had been the night before.

"This was my last Christmas party." she reminisced sadly, "You surprised me with a new potions set."

Slughorn nodded, "You tried to have me return it." he put an arm around her warmly.

She smiled and laughed, water in her eyes, "It took you three days to get me to accept it."

Those words seemed to only encourage Slughorn and he got more photos to show her. He treated her like a daughter and constantly asked if she was alright or if she needed water. Lis couldn't help hugging him before he got another bag of pineapple for them to share. She thought she spotted a tear roll down his cheek.

Slughorn told her stories as she went through photos he handed her, describing party after party that Lily had attended as a student. Names of her friends swirled around in her head and pictures of faces were compared to pictures that Slughorn produced at lunch while they ate sandwiches. It was buried in pictures that Minerva found her. James wasn't too far behind, looking rather annoyed for some reason.

"There you are-I told you to stay-"

"Minerva she was simply trying to rest her mind." Slughorn immediately jumped to defense, "the potion she is taking can be brutal to the mental health and needs constant supervision-"

"What's this?" James walked over to the box of pictures, taking a single photo out with two fingers despite Slughorn's protest.

James' eyes narrowed when he saw the photo and then he took himself a bit. James cleared his throat, getting the attention of both Minerva and Slughorn.

"It's not Lis fault." he said softly, "I pushed her too much. Forgot myself."

His fingers dropped the photo into Lis' lap and she saw what had made his demeanor turn soft. The picture James had picked up was one of Lily in black lacy dress robes. Lily wasn't alone, James stood with his arms wrapped around her like he'd been in the library. Slughorn was at their side and the pair in the photograph were laughing and waving while the pair in real life kept awkwardly away from each other.

"I'm sorry." James said directly to her, "I shouldn't have lied and I shouldn't have pushed you."

Lis could see that he meant it by the fierceness of his stare, "It's okay." she muttered, gripping the photo of them like she was never going to let it go.

Minerva cleared her throat, "I came to tell you that Professor Dumbledore has returned and is requesting to see you in his study."

"Sirius is up there now." James added, "So we'd best be on our way."

Lis jumped up quickly, excitement flooding her very core to meet the man who James and Sirius had brought her to meet. The walk to Dumbledore's study was long but slowly, they made it. The door was slightly cracked and McGongall slid in, to let Dumbledore know Lis was there. From the crack, Lis could hear the voices very clearly.

"Ah, here's Minerva, she can tell you that we have Lily on a potion to restore-" Sirius' voice was nervous and unsure.

"If this girl is Lily, should have some form of identification." A voice entered the conversation.

The voice was so cold and cruel Lis was taken aback. She looked at James in confusion. James stepped away from her and entered the room as well. Lis could see slightly into it.

"Ah, James Potter," the voice seemed unamused, "Back from France already? How are your parents?"

Lis was confused because she went to James' house in France and James told her that his parents were dead. The house itself looked like it hadn't been touched in years.

"We found Lily in France." James ignored the comment about his family, "She's right outside.."

Lis prepared to walk in, a bright smile on her face despite the troubling tone from the office.

"No."

Lis' hand slipped on the door.

"N-no?" James faltered.

"Mr. Black has already made it clear that the intentions here are not pure." the voice was demanding, angry even, "I trusted you boys with many things and you let me down. I cannot trust you with this or anything else. Lily is dead. We found a body in the ruins of the Orphanage."

"It's not real." James' voice was not level, Lis could tell he was angry, "Lily is alive and-"

"Go back to France, go back into hiding with your parents." the voice held no tone of sympathy, "You have no place in the Order anymore. Forgiveness can not be possible between us, you lied your way into trouble James Potter and I cannot condone actions that killed Lily Evans."

"I did not kill Lily." James shouted.

"You were spotted multiple times at that orphanage when you were supposed to be on other assignments for me. You got yourselves into trouble many time in the Order, this time you got yourselves into trouble that you can't escape. You and Mr. Black were seen in a pub convincing a young french woman to come with you to London." Dumbledore's voice never rose, it stayed disturbingly even.

"How'd you-" Sirius started.

"The pub you found that more girl in-the one you are trying to trick into your con-is owned by a friend of my brothers. He heard you say my name, surprising to see it was two boys tricking a girl into coming to see me. Why? Were you hoping I'd welcome you back with open arms?"

Lis' hand flew up to her mouth in horror. Tear flicked in her eyes. It had all been a trick?

Sirius spoke up, "She's the real thing, Dumbledore. You've just got to meet her."

"Minerva please remove the boys from my castle."

"Albus I've had my doubts-" Minerva started, almost like she was going to defend Lis.

"No!" James shouted angrily and Lis winced, "No. She's the real thing you just have to meet her-"

Minerva pulled James from the office first and Lis stared at him in horror. He looked defeated and down hearted. Dumbledore's words had obviously stung. Minerva looked rather upset as well but she was holding her lips together firmly, not saying a word. Sirius came out, slamming the door in a fit of rage. Lis felt like her chest was falling in from the pain of what she'd just heard. James saw the look on her face and quickly rerouted his attention to only her.

"Li-"

"Je vous ai fié!"

Minerva quickly let go of James to stare at Lis in surprise, "She's French?"

"We found her in France." James argued quickly, "Of course she speaks French!"

Things were no longer adding up. Dumbledore had mentioned James' disappearances were the reason he could no longer be trusted. Dumbledore said James was at the orphanage Lily had disappeared at. James had been going there before the disappearance. Dumbledore must have thought James was the reason lily was dead.

Only she wasn't dead.

Lily was standing just outside Dumbeldore's office with a broken heart and memories that no longer made sense.

Sirius shouted, as she backed up trying to escape the nightmare. in front of her.

"Lily wait!"

James tried to grab Lis, "No, no, don't go. Don't leave me, again." He was begging. He was pleading.

"It was all a lie wasn't it?" She said with tears spilling onto her cheeks, "You used me? I was just a part of your plan to get his—his respect?"

"No! No, Lily no! Look, it wasn't that! I wasn't even looking for you, I just-"

"You used me!" She started feeling the wall for support as she tried to get away from the people staring at her with disbelief. James followed two steps at a time.

"No," Sirius denied, "From the moment I met you, I knew there was something different about you. You are Lily Evans, you are!" Sirius looked just as upset as James, Minerva was knocking frantically on Dumbledore's office door.

"L'arrêter, juste l'arrêter !" Lis yanked her arm from his grasp and pushed him away, "From the very start you both lied! And I—I not only believed you I actually—"

"Stop it," James continued begging, "Listen to me, Dumbledore doesn't know the whole story and I'll tell him...please don't go...Lily..."

"No!" Lis cried, "Go away!" she was sobbing hysterically, leaning against the wall, feeling all her hope crash to the floor.

It didn't matter if she was Lily Evans...it didn't matter...any of it. Lis knew now that her home-the place she'd been dreaming of for so long-no longer existed in this world of castles and magic.

"Lil, Lily, please, Alexis was using you to get to me I never wanted-" James leaning over her, trying to talk to her and the name Alexis struck fear into her soul as she remembered a woman leaning over her similar to how James was now. The woman had been laughing cruelly her.

"You don't even remember me." the woman snarled, "You'll die with no memories of your precious James Potter."

"No!" Lis shouted, trying to erase the feeling of hopelessness, "I don't want to hear anything more about what I said or remembered! Just leave me alone! S'il vous plaît juste me partir seul!"

"James," she heard Sirius try to reason, "There's no use..."

"Shut up, Sirius!" James shouted, "Now she can't even look at me!"

A new voice entered the shouting in the hallways, "Minerva take the boys away from the girl."

"Come on Potter." someone yanked James away from Lis' crouched form, "I'll hex you if I have too. Get to my office."

"No," Lis heard James struggled, "No she has to know the truth!"

"Lily!"

Lis couldn't even look up from her lap at his strangled yell as Minerva dragged James and Sirius away. The sobs that ripped through her throat and the tears that poured down her cheeks were a statement of her broken heart. Lis had nowhere to go, no one to trust. She was lost.

The voice from the office spoke, jolting Lis from her private session, "Look at me child."

Lis wrenched her face from her hands and stared into eyes as light as sky behind crescent shaped glasses. White eyebrows shot up in surprise as the blue eyes scanned her face, every inch of it, as if looking for flaws.

"Who are you?" he pondered.

"I was hoping you could tell me."

Next time:

"You can call me Lily."

Sirius winced, "Look, "he hesitated, "I know you're pissed...rightfully so...but the Lily I knew wouldn't act like this."

"Yeah well," she threw him a pointed glare, "the Sirius I knew wouldn't have tricked a poor lost girl in a pub into some stupid plan that did more harm than good."

to those wondering, there are only three more chapters! Thanks for the support and...as always...waiting for me to update!

xxx

Petals

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