What if? The Purgatory of Lily
Chapter 7
Never Alone
I will stay at your side forever and always...
Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling, nor do I own the Harry Potter Series.
Lily growled under her breath as she started at the Mirror of Fi-Tahw once more. She was beginning to suspect that she had the ability to influence the mirror to some extent, but wasn't quite sure how. Furthermore, she wasn't sure that she wanted to see what she thought she wanted to see.
Quite simply, the Shrieking Shack incident in fifth year seemed to be turning more and more sinister every time she heard about it in a time-line, and it didn't escape her attention that in the past time-line Sirius hadn't been mentioned as one of her counterpart's friends. It was particularly foreboding because Lily had genuinely grown to like Sirius once he and James, supposedly at least, had stopped bullying everyone around them.
Another thing that made it seem particularly dangerous was the fact that that counterpart of her seemed close enough to she herself that it was quite disappointing to her when seen through the eyes of a bystander. If SHE had rejected Sirius for whatever had happened, then did that mean that Lily herself would want to give up on Sirius as a friend when found out about it?
She had learned in the previous time-lines that her friendships were apparently more important than she had suspected, for good or ill, and she didn't know if Lily wanted to lose Sirius... Maybe it would be best to act if she hadn't heard it, play pretend...
Lily then stopped, remembering how she had told Severus once that she 'couldn't pretend anymore', right at the end of their friendship; it seemed to be in quite a few of the cases so far that trying to pretend their problems didn't exist and not talking about or dealing with them had been what tore her and Severus apart, and for good or ill she wasn't going to make that mistake again, not with Sirius...
Speaking of denying their problems, Lily suddenly wondered what would have happened if she had ever made a move on Severus prior to the O.W.L. incident or vice-versa; his concealing his love for her had been something that certainly didn't help their relationship when it really could have if she had known, as if Lily had known then she was sure that she would have at least given Severus one more chance after that time by the lake...
After all, even in sheer practical terms, it would have given her one last lever that she might have been willing to pull to try and convince Severus to change sides. While Lily had wanted Severus to do it because it was the right thing to do, she was pretty sure by now that she wouldn't be 'above' convincing him through other means if necessary...as her most recent counterpart had proven, even if it had backfired on her to some extent...
As the mirror started to swirl once more, Lily wondered if perhaps the pretending had been more devastating to their friendship than the issues themselves...
Finally it reformed into a scene that made Lily smile in wistfulness for a moment: Severus and her experimenting together in an abandoned classroom, working on one of their potions together...
"Come on, Sev, you do only clockwise turns in this potions! Remember!?"
"Lily, trust me on this; if you do seven turns clockwise, then one counter-clockwise, I'm sure that it will turn out WAY better!"
"I dunno..." Lily sighed as Severus decided to experiment first, rather than working on the basic potion for their class project. Admittedly, Severus was generally right, but Lily liked to start out with the basics first rather than wildly experimenting. Still, it was admittedly more pleasant to talk about this subject rather than their arguments over Potter, the Marauders and his friends...
'It's interesting that we missed the primary point in our arguments; what would have happened if I hadn't been so focused on his friends? Still, this time-line is supposed to be a better one than my own...in the long run at least...'
Deciding to change the subject as Severus AGAIN made the potion perfectly, Lily cast about randomly before coming upon a topic that was sure to be more enjoyable; grinning wickedly, she said with a giggle, "So, Sev, any girls you like?" As he dropped his stirring rod on the floor with a clang, clearly in shock, she continued mischievously, "I mean, the two of us never go into this topic anymore; I think it's been two YEARS since you've mentioned anyone that you had a crush on..."
"I...uh...wuh?" Severus 'said', clearly completely shocked and mortified, as his face blazed as brightly red as Lily's hair.
In the time-honored traditions of female best friends everywhere, Lily decided to continue teasing Severus by saying with an evil giggle and a knowing smirk, "I mean, much as you pretend to be interested in the idea of non-sexuality lately, I'm sure that SOMEONE has caught your eye... Come on, tell me who it is!"
Lily-prime felt embarrassed on Severus' behalf; although she couldn't understand why he was so scared to broach the idea with any of her counterparts, regardless of time-line, she had to chalk it up to his being Severus...'
Waving his arms frantically, Severus started denying everything frantically with cheeks still burning, much to Lily's enjoyment, "No-one! There's no-one, REALLY! Now, let's get back to those potions and-"
Enjoying herself far too much to let him get away with an evasion like that, Lily interrupted by saying, ticking off possibilities as she went along and he indicated an answer of 'no' to each of them,
"Let's see now...It's not Mary or Sabrina, and I've never seen you look at my other friends other than as scum; I don't think I've seen you looking at any of the Slytherin girls or sitting near them..." Then she realized and, looking at him in shock, she said simply, "OH...!"
Now that Lily thought about it, the answer was completely obvious; Severus never looked at any of the Slytherins or Gryffindors in any sort of manner remotely resembling liking them, other than Lily herself of course, and the only girl that she had heard him mention in the past month in any kind of positive way had been...Celeste Greengrass, a truly beautiful Ravenclaw fourth-year. He had been talking with Avery about her a week ago, and they had gotten awfully perverted in some of their talk, not that Lily was eavesdropping...
'Was I really that DENSE!?' Lily-prime wanted to shout at her counterpart, but she had to admit that that would probably be comparable to the pot calling the kettle black, to say the LEAST...
However, while Lily couldn't say that she approved much of Celeste, she had to admit that Severus would have a difficult time attracting her. After all, Celeste publicly admitted that she enjoyed watching boys acting like perverted imbeciles on her behalf, and was infamous for dating one boy after another...or sometimes at the same time. Severus' chances of attracting her attention were somewhere between slim and none, to be honest, as Celeste had half the school after her...
Nonetheless, Lily would do her best to help Severus in his romantic quest, even if she certainly didn't approve of his target. As such, there was quite a lot that she could do to help her best friend... Watching him as he continued working, having clearly decided that discretion was the better part of valor, she gave him a quick evaluation to see what she could help him with.
Lily finished quickly and easily, but the results were not very encouraging; while Severus wasn't unfit or anything, his clothes were second-hand at best and his appearance was far from the greatest. Moreover, he had a tendency to scowl alot, to the point that any sort of smile was privately considered something to be cherished by Lily. Still, she would do the best she could...
Lily then paused a moment and grinned; she had just thought of a way to deal with a minor issue that had been plaguing her and help Severus at the same time: Lily had lately become rather curious about what a kiss might be like, having never kissed anyone herself, and having Severus practice with her once or twice would help him become proficient as well... At the least, it couldn't hurt, could it?
"I stand corrected" Lily-prime said aloud as she could picture just how badly this could go, with her and Severus being not only on different pages, but in completely different books, "There ARE people more dense than I was...!"
Having come to a conclusion, Lily said with a grin, figuring that it might be at least somewhat enjoyable, "You know, Sev...based on who you have a crush on, I think it might help if we kissed each other once, just to see how it goes. What do you think?"
Lily had seen Severus embarrassed before, furious before, even tender before sometimes, but she had never seen him look at her quite like the way he was looking at her now; his eyes widened with some heated, burning emotion filling them and his mouth actually gaped in shock, much like her mom's when she had been told that Lily was a witch.
Severus did nothing but stand still for a moment, but then he walked over to her and looked at her with those eyes, both burning with some fierce emotion and filled with absolute terror. Finally, he held his right hand to her cheek and spoke as he caressed it tenderly, fear and something which almost seemed like desire audible, "Lily, are you sure that you want to? Are you sure?"
Lily-prime rolled her eyes slightly at Severus' obvious insecurity, as this was clearly an open invitation, even if not for the reasons that he hoped for. 'At the least, it certainly couldn't hurt...'
As she looked at him, Lily had the strangest feeling that she was missing something big, something pulsing in the very air as his eyes burrowed into her own. Nonetheless, she ignored it and said with a smile, holding the hand touching her cheek in her own, "I'm sure Sev, let's just try it fo-"
She was interrupted by the sensation of his other arm going around her waist and pulling her into him as Severus pressed his lips to hers. For a few seconds, it felt mildly awkward, then he started giving her a series of quick, hesitant kisses to her lips and Lily focused instead on that. After a couple of moments, she started responding in kind as she put her arms around his neck to keep his head from straying too far, trying to catch each of his kisses with one of her own as if in some sort of childish game.
As they continued kissing, Lily mentally evaluated Severus' skill as she had been taught by her girlfriends. The kisses themselves she was sure were nothing to write home about, being awkward little affairs, although that was to be expected as Lily doubted that Severus had ever kissed anyone before. Still, she couldn't help but moaning slightly into his mouth, as the kisses channeled such a great deal of emotion that Lily couldn't help but be dragged down in their wake...
After nearly two minutes of sustained kissing, Lily suddenly remembered that she had only planned on one or two of them. Thinking about it for a moment, she then shrugged. 'Oh well, both of us could definitely use the practice, especially if he's going to try his luck with Cel-es-te... Still, he could do SO much better than her...'
'Hmm, one has to wonder...is it the target of his supposed affections that my counterpart dislikes...' Lily-prime mused, '...or the fact that it isn't her who is supposedly the target...?'
As time passed, Lily found herself very much pleased by the fact that Severus could take his skills at learning things quickly and apply them to things other than school, very pleased indeed...
Time passed, and that afternoon spent kissing one another threatened to become only a one-time thing as the weeks went by,as her counterpart had let Severus know that she had just been trying to have her first kiss.
Although Severus was clearly heart-broken at this, Lily-prime could detect a certain difference in the way that her counterpart was viewing him as time went on. After thinking about it, she recognized it as similar to the way that she herself had looked at James: although not wanting to get involved with Severus because of his 'evil friends', she was certainly attracted to him nonetheless...
'I just hope that it will come to a better end than in my own life...' Lily-prime mused as the mirror reformed into an image of the boys' dormitory in Gryffindor tower...
'Nothing...'
That was the thought that was running through James mind as he stared up at the ceiling from where he was laying on the floor of the Gryffindor boy's dorm. It had been the last day of O.W.L.s and he had been planning on seeing if he could get Lily Evans to go out on a date with him after he showed her what a loser her so-called 'best friend' was. Unfortunately, it didn't go quite according to plan...
'Gee, I find it rather difficulty to be sympathetic to the person that James used to be... He really was quite a toerag...'
'Hell, that is the understatement of the century! That had to be the most HUMILIATING thing that ever happened to me, and it's all that GIT'S FAULT! He probably PLANNED it somehow!' James all but gnashed his teeth in his embarrassed fury as he remembered what had happened.
It had been just after their Defense written tests were complete, and Sirius had clearly been bored, when James had seen an opportunity to get a date from Lily. He and the rest of his buddies had snuck up on that Slytherin git, Snivellus Snape, and they had gotten him with a quick spurt of hexes. After teasing him a little, James had just needed to wait for Lily to show up to defend the bloke...
As usual, he had tried to joke around with her and make it clear that he wanted to go out on a date with her, but this time had been very, VERY different from before... James shivered at the recollection, never wanting to see that happen again...
'If it was different, it was probably a good thing, ew.' Lily shuddered at her newfound recollections of her old time-line...
While many of the words on Lily's part had been the same, the atmosphere surrounding them was completely different; previously, she had always had this look of heated anger mixed with a spark of attraction in her eyes, which he had taken solace in even though James had to suffer through her having scum like Snivellus as a friend...
In contrast, each of her words had had an icy edge behind them, as if she really meant them instead of merely bantering; her response to his offer to leave Snivellus alone if she had gone out with him had been particularly painful, even though she had agreed to it after a few minutes of thought. She hadn't even really listened to where he had offered to take her, focused completely on binding him magically to his word when she wasn't busy undoing the hexes on Ol' Snivelly...
The most soul-destroying moment had been when James had valiently offered her his hand in agreement with a brilliant smile...and Lily had barely even glanced at him before shaking his hand for a fraction of a second, going immediately back to check on Snape, who had watched James with a look of triumph and the smallest fraction of pity...
'I wonder what might have happened if I actually HAD agreed to James' offer; what might have happened if Severus no longer had to worry about being bullied?' Lily-prime wondered to herself, not having seriously considered James' suggestion of one date to protect Severus for the rest of his time at Hogwarts at the time...
It had been at that moment that James had realized that going out with him had merely been a necessary evil, a sacrifice she was making for SNIVELLUS' benefit, and that he could have literally been a lump of dirt on the ground for all that she cared about their date. It had crushed James even more than the idea that she still chose Snape as her best friend over him...
Until this day, James had always taken solace in the fact that while Lily considered Snape a 'true friend' and thus emotionally involved with him, HE was the one who she was physically attracted to. Over the past year, he had even begun to grow hopeful, as Lily had been very impressed with him for saving the greasy git after Sirius had pranked him with Lupin's werewolf form in the Shrieking Shack. Things had even begun to look up, and now...
'Sirius...nearly killed Severus...and James had the audacity to brag about it to me...?'
Lily-prime froze in shock, barely able to believe James' own thoughts in this... He was just shrugging off the fact that, if Lily-prime believed what Mary had said in the previous time-line, Sirius had tried to KILL Severus. If it had been just a prank, it was bad enough, but... 'Maybe the two of them were referring to a different attack... I really doubt it though...'
James sighed, then privately admitted the truth to himself, 'In her eyes, I'm neither physically attractive, someone she considers morally acceptable, nor romantically interesting... I am now NOTHING...nothing more than some guy she has to spend a day with for HIS sake!'
He spent the rest of the evening mourning his lost love...tears pouring from his eyes as he knew that the odds of winning his war for Lily had just burst into flames...
Lily-prime decided to wait until this time-line was complete before she started thinking about the revelation she had heard. Meanwhile, time passed and James started dating Sabrina Percival in an effort to forget her. Meanwhile, similar to the previous years and time-lines, Severus grappled with his dreams of joining the Death Eaters and his affection for Lily-prime's counterpart. However, much like in her own time-line, eventually something had to give...
Finally, the mirror reformed to a new scene, out on the Hogwarts grounds by the lake...
Lily fidgeted as she watched Severus from behind, nervous because this was a Severus she had rarely if ever seen before; even from where she was watching, a good fifty feet back, she could see him shaking like a leaf as he buried his face in his hands. A cloud of depression seemed to fill the air around him, and Lily found it hard to believe that the sun could still be shining brightly down on him with how gloomy the picture of him was...
Still...Lily couldn't help but feel a tad gleeful at what was likely the cause of his pain, as if it was what she thought it was, then it would make her very happy indeed...
Lily-prime couldn't help but wonder what her counterpart was so cheerful about, suspecting that it might have something to do with Severus' 'associates'...
Shaking her head, Lily reminded herself that regardless of how good it would be for him in the long run, Severus was hurting NOW and he needed comforting...something which Lily was very happy to give him. Taking a moment to focus on how important it was to comfort Severus of what pain he must be feeling, and how important it was to NOT cheer if her suppositions were correct, Lily walked over to Severus and gently put her hand on his shoulder...
For several minutes, he ignored her completely and Lily waited in silence for him to say something. Finally, Severus said in a quiet, broken voice, sounding almost on the verge of tears as he looked away from her, "This is all your fault, Lily... If you hadn't made me... If I hadn't listened... Merlin, I wish I could hate you..."
Severus turned to look at her with a pain-filled glare that both hurt her and made Lily want to wrap her arms around him and cuddle him like a beaten child, then he said bitterly, voice growing louder and almost turning into pained shrieking as he went on, "You know what, Lily? Thanks a lot, REALLY. Becase of YOU, I've lost almost ALL my friends, my life's RUINED, most of my house HATES me, so just GO! Leave me alone YOU STUPID GIRL! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"
Lily-prime swallowed as she watched Severus acting like this, barely able to look at him in this much pain. What saddened her most though was the fact that this was only the SECOND-most hurt time that she had seen him... Still, she couldn't help but be curious what her counterpart had done...
As his words rang out across the grounds, Severus shoved her hand off of his shoulder and started to stalk off toward the castle, but Lily wasn't going to let him get away that easily; quickly following him, she tried to grab his right arm, only for him to push her away once more as he kept walking.
Refusing to permit him to escape her now of all times, Lily grabbed him in a bear hug and lifted him off the ground as he tried to fight her off of him, shouting at her to let go all the while; after nearly a minute of this, she lost her grip, and his weight sent them both crashing to the ground. Luckily though, she had managed to twist around him somehow in the process and had him pinned beneath her, making Lily grin for a moment as they landed on the dew-drenched lawn...
The smile faded almost instantly though as she saw the tears in Severus' eyes, something she hadn't seen in years; he never cried, not even when he had been humiliated by Potter in the most cruel pranks imaginable had she seen tears in his eyes. Lily started to feel tears of her own forming, as she felt a guilty sensation burning in her gut as the suspicion that she had caused them played through her mind mockingly.
Not knowing what else to do, Lily tried to wrap her arms around his body as best as she could while they were stuck like this, then whispered while looking into his pitch-black eyes, "Please, Severus, tell me what's happened. What's wrong?"
He looked up at her blankly for a few seconds, then gave a small, slightly mad smile as said in a falsly-cheery voice that seemed like it should belong to a corpse, not a living, breathing human being and especially not someone like Severus,
Lily-prime was also disturbed as well, and realized that Severus must be in a state of complete hysteria as she had never seen him like THIS before...
"You know what, Lily? I was having a pretty good day up until about an hour ago; I had been working on my potions, prepping to show a new iteration of the 'Draught of Living Death' to Slughorn, when Rosier came up to me and said that he wanted to speak with me in private. So we went walking down to an abandoned classroom, where the rest of the knights were. I then asked him 'So...what's going on, Evan?', and do you know what he told me?"
Lily could only whisper as she looked into her best friends eyes, wondering if he were about to go completely spare on her, "No, Sev, what did he say?"
Severus continued speaking in that same, slightly manic-sounding voice, making Lily very glad that he was out of reach of his wand at the moment,
"Rosier told me that I was no longer a member of the Knights of Walpurgis; he said that I had failed all of their hopes of rising above my pathetic status and was now no longer worthy of being a member of their elite membership. Apparently, I'd became a blood-traitor and no longer deserved to join, so they took my badge and threw me out of the room. I begged them to change their minds, but they all laughed and said that scum like me wasn't worth their time. You hear that? I am scum!"
The tears started to flow down his cheeks, dripping onto the ground, as Severus then said with that same, partially-insane smile,
"Apparently, following those suggestions you've been making me has paid off in a big way! Now I have no friends but you, and that probably won't last very long either! After all, who wants to be friends with a greasy git reject from the slums who has absolutely no prospects!? No-one! Hell, I don't even want to be friends with me! So you might as well get going now and save us all some time!"
Lily-prime stared in surprise and slowly-growing understanding; she had had a pretty good idea that his father abused him, and she knew that James and his Marauders had been cruel to Severus at school, but she had never really considered the effects on him from all of that...
Lily didn't know what to say, never having realized that Severus had this low of a self-image of himself; not able to come up with anything else, she started kissing him, trying to make him understand that he wasn't alone in a physical way and trying to communicate this with every brush of her lips against his.
After a few seconds, Severus started kissing her back roughly, far more roughly than the time that they had kissed beforehand. Lily could feel his fear, his anger, his self-hatred and loneliness channeled in each of his kisses and cried for her broken friend as she kissed back, trying to show her affection, her love for him and most of all her promise that he would never be alone...
She saw Severus' eyes widen slightly as she responded fervently, and he opened his mouth in shock, creating an opening for her tongue to press into. He tasted like...she couldn't describe it, but it reminded Lily of winter, when everything is covered and concealed by a cold blanket of snow and one feels completely alone in the world...
Pulling him up from the ground so that they could continue this more comfortably, never halting her exploration of the inside of his mouth, Lily continued to kiss him as their tears fell and mingled with the dew on the ground...
After awhile, both of them had stopped crying, but it wasn't until another half-hour had passed that the two of them stopped...
Lily-prime had to admit that it did surprise her slightly to see that Severus was partially incorrect, as Mulciber stuck by him, although Avery followed 'party lines' in ostracizing Severus within Slytherin.
Nonetheless, although she could tell that Severus wasn't doing too great, her counterpart was doing her best to try and heal his 'bumps and bruises'. The two of them had started dating the same day as Severus' leaving the Knights, and Lily-prime was glad to see that it appeared to be stable. However, that didn't mean that the past didn't intrude sometimes...
"Huhh..."
As Severus sighed, looking longingly over at a table on the other side of the Three Broomsticks, Lily desperately wanted to roll her eyes and give him a light whack on the head. It had been nearly three months since his removal from the Knights, and he still got depressed whenever he saw them together.
"Huhh..."
Deciding that enough was enough, Lily promptly gave Severus that light rap on the skull she had considered earlier, causing him to wince and look at her reproachfully. Giving him a 'look', Lily then said with a little huff,
"Come on, Sev. They weren't and still aren't worth it, not if they only wanted you if you would join them on their bullying and call people 'Mudblood' while teaching them your spells. They just wanted to USE you, not be your friends."
'She's definitely right about that; with the exception of Mulciber and maybe Avery, I don't think that they were really his friends...'
Severus looked away from her for a moment, then said coolly, "I know that NOW, but at least I had more than two people I called friends back then. Besides, now I can no longer...never mind..."
Lily looked at him for a moment, then asked curiously, "What is it, Sev? Come on, you can tell me..."
Severus blushed for a moment, then said with a touch of embarrassment, "Actually, I really wanted to join them because I thought that it might help me to make something of myself, be somebody important. I knew that they had some bad characteristics, like how they bullied people and such, but I figured that it would all be worth it when I became a Death Eater and such... Plus I thought..."
Severus' blush deepened until his face was completely red, then he said quietly, barely audibly, "I thought that when I became a brilliant, powerful wizard that you might like me more, as I would be better than some reject from Spinner's End..."
For a moment, Lily could only gape at him in disbelief, then she started laughing as she savored the sheer irony. She had known that the two of them had had some miscommunications, but this was LUDICROUS, that he thought that his joining the Death Eaters would impress her.
'Wow...didn't really see that one coming; I mean, COME ON! If he wanted to impress me, then he should have just sent his Potions textbook to some magazine. Now THAT would have been impressive!' Lily-prime was in shock as Severus' complete, in his own words, 'dunderheadedness'.
Meanwhile, Severus looked as if he wanted to crawl under a rock, standing up from the table and mumbling something that sounded like "Err...right, I guess I'll just go now...". Still laughing, Lily grabbed him by the arm and forced him back down to the table, before saying with a snicker,
"Severus, just so that you know... I love you very much, but YOU'RE A COMPLETELY MORONIC IDIOT! I wasn't the LEAST BIT impressed by the idea of you becoming a Death Eater; in fact, I HATED the very IDEA of it! If you had become one, then odds are that we wouldn't even be here on a bloody date! If you wanted to make you like me more, then getting rejected by the Death Eaters was probably the best bloody brilliant thing that could have happened to you!"
Severus looked as if someone had just hit him over the head...again, and mumbled something about how he was a complete, moronic fool who probably didn't deserve her for his sheer stupidity. Sighing, Lily put her right arm around Severus and pulled him closer, cheek pressed against his arm as she said tenderly, "Sev, you might be a bit of a fool sometimes, but you're my fool and I love you for it. You should have just told me, you prat... Any Gryffindor would have known better than to hide something like that..."
Lily had a bad feeling like this, as Severus tended to feel that Gryffindors were reckless fools in general, much like Gryffindors thought that Slytherins were conniving, ambitious sods who didn't care much for bravery. This was an opinion that Severus had been quite happy to confirm as true, saying that there was a difference between bravery and 'Gryffindor bravery', the latter of which he compared to jumping out of an aeroplane after removing one's parachute...
He didn't say anything in response in spite of the 'Gryffindor' comment, but Lily could tell that he was at ease again as he put his arm around her as well, so she sighed contentedly as she snuggled in slightly. 'Severus makes such a nice pillow...although he could still use a bit more fattening up; I'd better make sure that I have him over for the Summer so mum ca-AH!'
Lily's eyes popped open as she realized that while she had been primarily interested in just snuggling, Severus had apparently had something different in mind as his hand slipped past the waist-band of her skirt and well...down THERE. Trying her best to ignore what he was doing, Lily then hissed at him, "What the HELL do you think you are doing, Sev!?"
Severus turned and gave her a wicked smirk, then whispered back mischievously, giving her a quick peck on the lips as he did so, "Well, if you want me to be more like a Gryffindor, then let's see if you can learn some Slytherin subtlety..."
'Ooh, that pr-AT!' It was official, she was going to kill him, just as soon as they were finished... It was a good thing that they were sitting in a corner, although 'Slytherin Subtlety' was apparently quite difficult when Severus' fingers were involved...
'Hmm, based on my counterpart's reactions I would say that Severus must have improved drastically on the 'physical relationship' part, and not just at the kissing portion of it. Still, if that is his idea of revenge, I'm pretty sure that the majority of my counterparts would be happy if he took it on them, very happy indeed...' Lily-prime herself couldn't help but squirm slightly at the thought...
As Lily-prime watched, Severus and her counterpart continued dating for a couple of years, only to marry in the fall of 1979. However, she was mildly displeased to see that Severus didn't join the Order of the Phoenix like her counterpart did, at least not at first...
Finally the scene reformed to a kitchen, where Lily-prime saw her counterpart and Severus arguing...
"...you PRAT! What the hell were you thinking!? Was it something like 'Oh, I'm gonna get inducted to the Order and not let my wife know until my first meeting; that'll be a blast!'? Because if so, I'm going to wring your too-skinny NECK!"
"Please, Lily, I can explain-"
"Oh, please, DO try!" Lily glared at Severus as he edged slowly away from her, obviously terrified and for good reason, as Lily was seriously considering making him park his scrawny rear on the couch for a good three weeks out of sheer anger and terror.
Severus swallowed nervously, then said, unable to suppress a small amount of fidgeting in spite of his formerly iron-clad self-control, "Well, you see, I didn't want to get in another argument about this again because-"
Lily-prime had to admit that she was surprised by the fact that one of her counterparts was actually arguing AGAINST the idea of Severus being in the Order, but shrugged as she waited for the scene in the mirror to continue...
Lily then interrupted scathingly, starting to rant in her distress, "Another argument? Of COURSE we would argue again about this, Sev! I absolutely REFUSE to let you join the Order just because I did! Only join if you think that it's the right thing to do..."
Obviously trying to calm her down, Severus tried to put his arms around her, but Lily shoved him away and continued her rant,"...Don't you remember that time that you followed me into the Forbidden Forest and got bitten by that THING!? I spent weeks-"
"Of course I-"
"-in tears after that! I am NOT going to let you get killed in some war you aren't even sure about, just because I'm in it! I REFUSE, got that!?" Tears started falling from her eyes while she continued, trying to wipe the tears away as she shouted, "I've already had FAR too many friends die in this stupid war! I'm NOT losing my husband just for MY sake, I'M NOT! So go back to Dumbledore and tell him you've changed your mind, got it, Sev!?"
'Ah, that explains it...'
Once again, Severus tried to put his arms around Lily, and this time she allowed him to do so while she continued crying into his robes. He hugged her for several seconds, making shushing noises much like he used to do when she was nine and had had a nightmare, then he said quietly, "Lily, you didn't let me finish; I didn't want to argue because I've come to agree with you on this, and that the Order is the closest thing to the good guys in this forsaken war."
Lily looked up at him in surprise, watching his face to see if he was lying, but finding nothing. After a couple of minutes, she asked curiously, her tears already beginning to dry, "But, Sev, didn't you say 'Any side which those blasted Marauders join CANNOT be a good side, especially not that dunderheaded Order'?"
Severus smiled slightly, clearly glad to see that she was no longer crying, but said with a roll of the eyes, "Trust me when I say that the Order are the good guys in SPITE of, not because of the Marauders. If it hadn't been for them, I would have probably joined when you did, and not just because my beautiful wife was joining."
Lily sighed after giving him a quick peck on the cheek for his compliment, no longer sad, but still exasperated at how he could never seem to forgive them. Rolling her eyes as she wiped the last of her tears away, Lily said with a touch of annoyance,
"You still can't forgive them for that prank, can you, Sev? I know that it was dangerous, cruel and could have resulted in your death, don't get me wrong, but why can't you forgive James for it? I mean, I can understand why you'll never forgive Sirius, but why not James and Remus?"
Lily-prime could almost feel her ears sharpen as she felt that this might just be the answer to the mystery that she had lately been pondering about that one incident...
Severus seemed to evaluate her visually for a moment, then said carefully, "I know that Potter told you what he claimed happened earlier this year; repeat it to me and you'll see why I don't think that it makes sense..."
Lily frowned at him, then started speaking slowly,
"Well, James told me that he, Sirius and Pettigrew were walking out through the Great Hall, when Sirius mentioned how he had come up with this 'brilliant prank'. Apparently, he intended to give you the scare of your life by sending you down through the hole by the Whomping Willow and into the Shrieking Shack. Upon hearing this, James shouted something 'heroic' about how even prats like you didn't deserve to die, although I'm pretty sure that that was just a bit of exaggeration. He then went running off to the Shrieking Shack, leaving his cloak behind with his frien-"
Lily-prime sighed, as this was nothing more than what James had told her, although there was clearly a lot less trust in James coming from her counterpart. Perfectly understandable as she clearly had never gotten as close to James as Lily-prime had...
"Stop right there;" Severus interrupted suddenly, "Now, think about that very carefully. Potter claimed that HE went running off to the Shrieking Shack alone, KNOWING that I was in a dangerous, life-threatening situation, correct? Meanwhile, Black and Pettigrew followed along behind him at walking speed, making it so that Potter was the only one who could reach me in time. Do you see what I'm getting at now?
Lily nodded slowly, starting to see what Severus was saying and feeling a touch uneasy about it,
"Black knew that the werewolf was highly dangerous, and could easily cost his so-called 'best friend' his life, yet didn't even bother to follow him when he was in grave danger. Although I can see that coming from Pettigrew, given how he tried to betray us all last year, I can't QUITE believe that Black would allow Potter to go into such danger alone. Even if he did, what kind of idiot would keep calling him his best friend afterward? It just doesn't make sense."
Lily frowned, trying to think through it carefully; although she had once thought Severus to be completely paranoid, he did have a tendency to see what other people missed, and she had to admit that his logic was very sound indeed in this case. If Sirius had helped rescue Severus, then why didn't anyone mention it? And if he had let James do it alone, then why would James have ever forgiven him? Finally, she whispered, "What do you think did happen then, Severus?"
Severus looked at her gravely, then said bluntly,
"I think that Potter was in on it from the beginning, and he just so happened to get cold feet, while his two friends covered for him. I missed it at the time, but it's the only thing that really makes sense in my opinion. I think that he was supposed to be there to watch me get bitten or DIE, and that's why none of the others were there, as they didn't expect him to put himself into danger."
He paused for a moment, then continued sarcastically,
"The only alternative would be that Potter had some other way of being safe, but in that case then Black is nothing more than a murderer who got unlucky, as he put me into life-threatening danger and did nothing about it even AFTER being warned by Potter. Personally, I doubt that possibility GREATLY, as I can't think of anything that would have protected James that he would have been unafraid to reveal to me or Dumbledore when he was asked about the evening."
Lily-prime could see what Severus was trying to say, and it was really quite chilling when she thought about it. Although Severus was mistaken about James' 'protection', as James couldn't reveal that he and his friends were Animagi, it did make her wonder why all of James' tales had never mentioned Sirius helping him in the rescue...
Lily nodded slowly, wanting to take a break from this topic so that she could think things over herself, then said, "Well, Sev, it's getting pretty late and I'm PRETTY sure that we missed dinner. Mind fixing us something up? I'm in the mood for...actually chocolate-covered fish-and-chips, now that I think about it."
Rolling his eyes, Severus allowed her to change the subject and said, clearly exasperated, "Lily, fish-and-chips are fine, I SUPPOSE. However, there is no way that we are going to be including chocolate on them again!" He then mumbled, "Stupid pregnancy cravings, stupid hormones, never should have agreed to having a child in the first place..."
Giggling for a moment, Lily nodded and said, "You making regular fish-and-chips will be fine, Sev. Now, go and whip us up some fish-and-chips while I relax on the sofa! Chop-chop!"
As Severus sighed and started to cook them both dinner, Lily grinned inwardly. After all, SHE had never agreed not to put chocolate on her food. 'I suppose that Slytherin subtlety IS good for something...!'
Lily-prime snorted, unable to resist laughing slightly as her counterpart waited for dinner, planning on dousing it in chocolate sauce...
Lily-prime continued watching as the battle against the Death Eaters heated up, Severus' early discovery of the spy giving the Order the opportunity to continue the fight longer, until Crouch took control of the Ministry and put it on a total war footing. In spite of this, it only seemed to be slowing Voldemort down rather than stopping him, and she began to worry that this time-line might end badly...
Then Severus and Lily came up with an idea, based on Severus' own experiences...
"...Mr. Weasley, stop assisting your neighbor! Miss Swanlark will have to pass or fail ON HER OWN!"
"But sir!"
"No 'buts', and if you continue asking it will be 'points' taken from your sorry 'butt'!" Lily bit back a chuckle at Severus' mild joke as she watched him teach his first Potions class of the day while she hid behind a Disillusionment charm; it wasn't that it was a particularly funny one, but that Severus' tendency not to make jokes made the ones he did more valuable to her. It was really quite a shame that he generally tried to push people away...
It was rather ironic, considering that Severus had a tendency to be unpleasant to almost everyone he met, that he had somehow been stuck in the role of a professor. Lily suspected that it had been as a form of punishment for the fact that 'Red Garden' was idea and he had basically shoved it down the Order's throat, as it was a plan to help Slytherins, Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs rather than only Gryffindors...
'Yup, that would go over brilliantly with the Order I'm sure...'
"Miss Swanlark, please explain how you decided that it would be intelligent to put crow feathers into the potion when the recipe says root of mandrake!"
Lily snorted, then continued her musings about 'Red Garden'; a couple of years ago, Lily had been looking into the recruitment trends for the Ministry, the Order and the Death Eaters on a bit of a lark, and she had noticed something that had been truly disturbing: while both the Ministry and the Death Eaters had a fair proportion of people from Gryffindor, something like 90% of the members of the Order came from that one house, with him being the solitary Slytherin.
When she had brought this up, the other Order members merely said that only a few people from the other houses ever bothered to contact them about joining the Order. This had seemed fine, until Lily had asked how the recruitment of people from those houses went, and how they scouted for candidates from those houses. After all, she and the Marauders had been encouraged to join the Order since mid-seventh year...
That was when the problem made itself obvious: there was no active recruiting going on within the other houses, and less than half of those who expressed interest in joining the Order from those houses were actually permitted to join, typically only the ones who had Gryffindor friends and family within the Order already.
Lily-prime frowned; she hadn't been much involved in the Order recruitment process during her time alive, but that sounded much like she supposed it would have been done... In hindsight, it sounded really, really stupid...
Severus had been positively furious when he had heard that, and Lily had needed to leave the room with him for a moment in order to calm him down. He had then looked at her and asked her quietly, "Lily, how can we possibly be surprised that the Dark Lord gets stronger and stronger with each passing year if the Order is doing this? Every voice that I heard while I was in Slytherin save yours was telling me either to join the Dark Lord or that I was 'destined' to become a Dark wizard. The Order has left them all alone in the dark and wonders why they aren't interested in joining them? The Order isn't even trying to stop Slytherin from being a Death Eater recruiting pool; hell, they're CREATING it!"
Over the next few weeks, as Severus had thought out his idea to counteract this problem, Lily had thought about what he had meant and was chilled at the implications.
Since she had arrived in Hogwarts, she had been hearing from all of her house how Slytherins were the enemy, and how most of them were evil. With the exception of Severus, she had grown to believe this quickly and had proceeded to avoid any and all Slytherins during her time at Hogwarts. Most of the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs did the same, and Lily was one of the only students in Gryffindor who had a friend in Slytherin. As a fair quantity of the Slytherins ended up joining Voldemort upon graduation, Lily had felt somewhat vindicated in her position at the time...
Lily-prime couldn't help but recall how she had felt the same way at the time, but now that she had seen what some of those Slytherins were like...she wasn't so sure...
However, what if it hadn't been inevitable because of some quality of Slytherin house, but because they had been told that they were Dark so many times that they had actually grown to believe it?
Lily had been reminded chillingly of the time that James had complained to her during his sixth year about how Severus was such a prat for how he mocked him all the time and she had said, "Well, gee, you spent years attacking him and humiliating him and you're surprised that he despises you now? Do try to grow up, Potter!"
'We spent years telling them that they were dark and evil just because of their house and we're surprised that they don't want to join us now?' Lily paraphrased her thoughts from then and thought to herself, 'If it weren't for Severus' 'Red Garden', then I don't know what we'd do to counteract this...'
'Was that what happened with Severus? Did he hear how he was a worthless piece of slime destined to be a Dark wizard for so long that he began to believe it?' Lily-prime swallowed, feeling guilt churning...
'Red Garden' was a highly ambitious proposal on Severus' part; it consisted of two major parts: first, cross-house partnering was now a REQUIREMENT in all classes in an effort to foster out-of-house friendships. Second, Lily and Severus came up with a series of activities for the students to do, reminiscent of the 'Slug Club' but without the strict invitation requirements. Third, the Order would begin the recruitment process at fourteen rather than waiting until seventh year, and would encourage people of ALL houses to join.
Obviously, proposal three had triggered alot of opposition, both because of the young ages of the target and the fact that it was non-Gryffindor students, but 'Red Garden' had managed to get started nonetheless...
"Very well then! Mr. Weasley, Miss Swanlark, five points each from Gryffindor and Slytherin!"
"Aw, come on!"
"But professor!"
"Class is dismissed, leave now before I make it ten points!"
As the class left, Lily stifled a giggle and crept up behind Severus, preparing to surprise him when he said with a touch of amusement, "You know, Lily, I saw you nearly half an hour ago. A bit early for your third-year class, I believe...unless you had something different in mind, Mrs. Snape..." He gave her a slightly raised eyebrow and a rather sexy little smirk as he said the last part in a bedroom voice, causing her to color slightly.
'Let's see...silky voice plus confidence plus brilliance... Yeah, I would have been doomed if he had grown up to be like that...and enjoyed every minute of it.' Lily-prime mused to herself with a titter.
"Not now you little perv!" Lily couldn't resist a giggle though as she rolled her eyes at her husband's antics. As he had grown more confident around her with the years passing, Severus had also grown more...eager. Sometimes she wondered if it was his ambitious Slytherin nature, but then again, she wasn't complaining.
As Severus sighed melodramatically, Lily composed herself and said curiously, "So, how are they testing your patience today, Sev?"
Severus sighed again, this time more seriously, then said, "Well, none of them are up to our standards; hell, only three of them are even up to Potter, Black or Longbottom's standards!" Rolling his eyes, Severus then said seriously, "I never thought I'd see the day that I would be wishing for a Potter or a Black, although a Longbottom would be fine. Hell, I would KILL to have an entire class of Longbottoms right about now!"
Somehow, Lily-prime had a bad feeling about that, like there were a million Severus Snapes screaming in pain. She couldn't figure out why though...
Lily smiled, just enjoying the day as they both waited for her next class, bantering like they always had until Severus had to go check on little Eris. She was very glad that she hadn't left HER Slytherin alone in the dark...
As Lily-prime watched, this war turned into a decade-long battle of attrition, one which the Death Eaters ended up losing. A major part of that was the fact that the number of people in the Order ballooned over the years since Severus' little project began. Although the Order recruitment part ended after the war was over, the other parts rapidly became Hogwarts traditions, and Severus and her counterpart were lauded as having ushered in a new wave of inter-house cooperation. Severus did not enjoy the notoriety much, but his suffering wails were only heard by his wife and daughter...
Unlike in several other time-lines when Voldemort fell at Dumbledore's wand, there was no strange resurrection, and peace continued for years...
"OK, remember, it's seven stirs clockwise then one counter-clockwise. Got it, Eris?"
"Yes dad, although I think that your recipe on burn salves could still use some work. Did you have mom check through it?"
"Of course I did, now keep stirring...good." Severus watched, pleased, as his daughter's potion turned a perfect shade of light blue. She was the best in her class and was supposedly so impressive that it made it so that he almost missed teaching his Potions class now that she had started attending Hogwarts, although he very much enjoyed his research.
Lily-prime was beginning to notice a bit of a theme; it seemed that Severus had a tendency for jobs which didn't involve dealing much with people, other than those he knew and trusted...
Lily sometimes teased him about how little Eris was a perfect Daddy's girl at Hogwarts, and how she spent her time with her nose in a book so much that she kept expecting to see printing on her forehead. Of course, Severus could always point at little Ares when she mentioned that, as their son had grown up so much like their mother that Severus sometimes wondered if he would grow breasts when he hit his teens. In the name of household unity though, he had always kept that little tidbit to himself...
Smiling slightly, Severus started to leave the room so that his daughter could work in peace, only to find that Eris had tied his shoelaces while he wasn't working. As he glared at her from his position flat on the ground, she started giggling and quickly skipped out of the room while shouting, "See you next fall I suppose, dad!"
Slowly standing up and casting a quick spell to redo his shoelaces, Severus mused as he counted to ten, 'If only I knew where that mischivous streak of Eris' was coming from, and how the hell did she end up in Gryffindor?' Severus shook his head, wondering how his daughter had become such a prankster over the years...
'He should have heard my father moaning about me sometimes!' Lily-prime couldn't help but laugh slightly. 'Severus sounds just like him!
Walking over to the kitchen of their home, Severus heard the sound of giggling coming from the two women of the family and quickly strode in to find Eris and her mother conversing in whispers; watching them talk, Severus savored a quick moment of watching his beautiful wife as she chatted with her daughter about -heaven forbid- BOYS...
Even after nearly twenty years of marriage, Severus still loved the aura of light that seemed to surround her, and he smiled as he saw her put the tips of her fingers to her lips to suppress another laugh. Lily had a few small lines on her face, but they seemed to enhance her beauty rather than take away from it, giving her face evidence of the wisdom she had obtained over the years. Still, what entranced him the most about her was her emerald green, almond-shaped eyes, which still shined just like they had when he first saw her at the age of seven...
As he watched, he smiled once more at the thought of the engraving that Lily had put on his wedding ring all those years ago, and Severus turned his ring slightly just to look at it. It symbolized why he loved her so much and her promise to him, consisting of two phrases chosen by himself and her respectively 'My light, my heart, Lily.', and 'Never alone.'.
Lily-prime swallowed, no longer laughing; it was touching to hear Severus' thoughts of love and devotion for her counterpart, even though it had been nearly twenty years. It was...beautiful...
Breaking his revery, Severus calmly walked over to the two women and said coolly, "Lily, I'm afraid that our daughter has something to tell you, a sordid tale of a shoestring and a wand if I'm not mistaken."
As Lily gave her daughter one of her infamous 'looks', Eris smiled nervously and said, "Yeah, I suppose I could tell you... You see, it's like this..."
While Eris told her rather exaggerated story to her mother, Severus couldn't help but ponder where she had learned to act this way. 'Oh well, I'm sure that those two older boys she keeps mentioning will be able to explain when I ask...'
It later turned out he didn't have to ask them; Fred and George Weasley were living, breathing explanations of their own accord...
Lily-prime frowned as the time-line ended; she firstly considered the surprising piece of information that she had heard about Severus' opinion of himself, although she suspected that it was somewhat exagerrated by a major case of teenage angst at the time.
It seemed to make quite a bit of sense now that she thought about it. She had always known that Severus had a somewhat low opinion of himself, but she had never realized just how low. However, now that she thought about it, he had had almost everyone telling him that he was just a git who would turn out bad...
'And when he needed me most, I let him down, condemning him to the same fate everyone else did and telling him that he was going to be a Death Eater...' Lily-prime sighed once more, before looking away from the mirror in contemplation.
'What might have happened if I had kept faith in him? Instead of going after WHO he was with, what might have happened if I had focused on WHAT he was doing? Hell, what might have happened if we had ALL done the same thing for Slytherin house as a whole? We basically left them alone in the dark, just as this Severus has claimed...'
Lily-prime, feeling unsure and guilty, decided to look at the other major thing she learned before she started moping. 'As for what Severus claimed to my counterpart about the Werewolf incident, that is really something to think about. Even if James rescued Severus for his own good, something I'm not entirely sure of, that doesn't excuse what Sirius did. He deliberately put Severus in grave danger, then when James went off to rescue Severus, he did nothing.'
Lily-prime knew that James, Sirius and Peter were all Animagi, and that that protected them from Remus when he was transformed, so that explained why Sirius wasn't worried about James. Still though, he knew that Severus was in mortal danger and had put him in it, then did absolutely nothing about it...
'And I used to call Sirius my best friend... I can't believe that James forgave him of that...nevermind, I can...'
Lily-prime moaned, wondering just how much more of this she was expected to take before snapping. It was as if her life was being picked apart ruthlessly to discover all of her mistakes and flaws, before highlighting them in front of her eyes...
'I wonder what would have happened had I lived; would I have ever discovered my errors, or would I have never found out about them...?'
Author's Note: Obviously, I disagree with Dumbledore's presentation of the werewolf incident greatly, as I cannot understand how someone could possibly consider sending a boy down to visit a werewolf INTENTIONALLY to be anything short of a murder attempt; this is compounded by the fact that Sirius TOLD James about it, then James ran off to rescue Severus, but Sirius did nothing for all we know.
Mind you, there could be other reasons for this lack of action, and I'm sure that J.K.R. has a very good excuse as to why she doesn't consider it attempted murder (After all, they seem to be her darlings to some extent). However, from what we hear in canon, it's a murder attempt in my eyes.
Now that Lily has learned most of WHAT she did wrong, she will have the opportunity to learn WHY she made her incorrect choices...
On a offtopic, I hope that the content in this chapter doesn't qualify for an 'M' rating. If it is, I apologize and will fix it.
VOTING ON FUTURE ONESHOTS IS NOW CLOSED.
For the sake of the plot, such as there is one, I have chosen the two final oneshots on my own...then the epilogue will arrive. I apologize for your inconvenience...