"Last time, on Drag Race: Worldwide," Chris began. He wasn't in his usual trailer, but instead was on the deck of a boat of some kind. "A few of our racers had a close encounter with the local biker gang- all three divisions of it.
"Sam and Max were able to fight their way out…
"Hong Kong Phooey chose to wow the crowd with his kung fu, and did a number on their bikes- with a little help from Spot.
"And Freakazoid and Kirby got away by questioning the time zone.
"What will happen now that our racers are entering the west side of the States?" Chris asked. "Who will be the next to be accosted from the road side? And where is this ferry taking me? Find out right now, on Drag Race: Worldwide!"
Episode 7: Rolling along the River
"Welcome back to Drag Race: Worldwide," Chris said, still on the boat deck, this time sitting in a beach chair. "And welcome to the state of Missouri. This is sort of like our milestone episode, as after today our racers will be officially entering the western United States. How awesome is that?"
Chris pulled out a laptop and began to type. "Ever since the race began, we've been getting tons of fan letters and video shout-outs, so while I sort through our cybernetic in-box, sit back and watch, and maybe at the end of the episode, I'll share a few. Here's one for me. 'Dear Chris, how does your hair get so fine?' From Judy Wakkins of Texas. Three words, Judy; Lather, rinse, repeat!"
--
Somewhere on some Missouri back road, Daddy's Ferrari rocketed down the pavement. Duncan had level gaze on the road, while Lindsay seemed to be looking every which way.
Ferrari Cam: "You know, Duncan's a pretty bad driver," Lindsay admitted. In the background, Duncan was siphoning gas from the Mean Machine into the Ferrari. "Sure, he's fast, but while we were leaving New York, he ran six stop lights on the same street!"
As the car went, the sound of wheels on pavement was soon accompanied by another: sirens in the sir.
"Now what?" Duncan grumbled.
"Maybe you should pull over," Lindsay suggested.
"Are you kidding?" Duncan said, "We're making great time! I'm not stopping!"
Lindsay looked over her seat's head rest and then looked back at Duncan. "It's a police car!"
"It's probably Sam and Max, trying to punk us," Duncan insisted.
"Attention, vehicle!" An angry voice commanded over some kind of loudspeaker, "Pull over right now!"
"But what do I know?" Duncan muttered, stopping the Ferrari at the side of the road. A police car stopped behind them shortly afterward, and a sheriff, a heavyset, handlebar mustached man strode up to the pair.
"Is something wrong?" Lindsay asked.
"Oh, nothin'," the sheriff said, his voice laced with sarcasm and a southern accent. "Just that you're driving in a wanton, reckless, irresponsible manner." The sheriff thrust out his hand to Duncan, dropping the mock courtesy. "Let me see your license, boy!"
Duncan gave it to him.
"Oh, from Canada, huh?" The sheriff commented, "Whatcha y'all doin' down here, boy?"
"We're in a race," Duncan replied tiredly. He had more than his fair share of experience with cops.
"For television!" Lindsay cheered mindlessly, throwing her arms in the air.
"Well," The sheriff said, readjusting his belt, "I don't care if it is for television. You just bought yourself a speeding ticket, boy." The sheriff handed Duncan a citation. "And let me tell you this, boy, we don't take too kindly to troublemakers in these parts, so you just watch yourself next time, is that clear?"
"Crystal," Duncan answered inattentively. That's when an idea struck him. "Speaking of trouble, think you could get an APB out for a psycho in an ice cream truck?"
"What?" the sheriff asked, bewildered.
"Oh my gosh!" Lindsay gasped, "That clown nearly killed us once, and that's how we won the Indianapolis 500!"
"A killer clown?! Mercy!" the sheriff cried, rushing back into his car. Soon the police car drove off.
Duncan and Lindsay watched the sheriff leave, and after he was out of sight, looked at the citation. Duncan raised an eyebrow and whistled at the fee amount.
"Wow, that's a lot of zeroes," Lindsay commented. "Aww! Look! He left a little frowny face next to his signature!"
Ferrari Cam: Duncan crossed his arms and smirked at the camera. "I don't know about you, but I'm keeping that. It's a framer."
--
Elsewhere, the Magic School Bus was going down a road that went along the Missouri river. As the rest of the class occupied themselves by having conversations and looking at the scenery, Dorothy Ann had her nose stuck in a book(As usual).
"According to this, the Missouri River is the longest river in North America, and the forth longest river in the world," Dorothy Ann said to Carlos, who had the 'honor' of sitting next to her. He looked bored to tears.
"Maybe we could take the river and avoid the toll booths," Tim joked. Arnold quickly slapped a hand over Tim's mouth.
"Don't give her any ideas!" Arnold hissed, looking over to where Ms. Frizzle was. He hoped 'The Friz' hadn't heard Tim's comment.
No such luck. Ms. Frizzle exchanged sly looks with Liz, and she slammed her foot down on the accelerator. With a tremendous roar, the Magic School Bus rocketed off the road at the next curve, going directly into the river.
"We're flyng!" Cried Ralphie.
"We're falling!" Phoebe gasped.
SPLASH!
"We're sinking-!" Arnold groaned, watching the water rise.
With a groan, a bounce, and a spin, the Magic School Bus morphed into a more steam paddle ship-like configuration.
"This is the only way to travel!" Laughed Ms. Frizzle.
Bus Cam: Arnold adjusted the life-preserver he was now wearing. "As long as we don't sink or hit any rapids, I guess its okay." He admitted.
--
Far ahead, Dick Dastardly having gained a lead on the other racers, has begun to set up another trap.
"Here's the plan, Muttley," Dastardly explained, "We blow up the bridge, thus forcing any racer on the first side to not take it, and instead take a detour, thus taking them out of competition for the time being." Dastardly held out some dynamite connected to a wire. "Now take this bomb and place it on the bridge."
Muttley saluted his master and did as told. While waiting for the dog to finish his task, Dastardly pulled out a telescope from the Mean Machine(He and Muttley had already crossed the bridge, and were merely preventing others from using it.). In it, he saw the Hair Bear Bunch coming up the road.
"Hurry it up, Muttley!" Dastardly ordered, "And make sure the wires are connected, this time!"
Muttley rushed back to where Dastardly was hiding. With unhidden glee, Dastardly pushed down on the plunger of the bomb detonator.
However, there was no explosion, and Square's Wheels crossed the bridge without a problem.
"What!?" Dastardly cried in shock. "What went wrong now!?"
Dastardly went over to the bomb to check it for any problems. As he did, Muttley noticed something on the bottom of the detonator. There was a switch that had to settings; 'DUD' and 'ACTIVE'. The switch was currently set on DUD. Curious, Muttley turned the switch to ACTIVE.
KABOOM!
Dastardly landed right next to Muttley, covered in soot and singes, his mustache sticking out at all ends.
Muttley snickered, and got bonked on the head.
"Well," Dastardly coughed, getting back onto his feet, "That should at least stop some of them."
Just then, he saw Hong Kong Phooey riding down the river in the Phooey-Canoe.
Phooey Cam: "The way I figure it," Hong Kong said, paddle in hand, "It's more environmentally friendly to take the river- and I can avoid the tool booths, too!"
"Drat! Drat!" Dastardly spat. "And double-drat!"
--
In another part of the Show-Me State, the Freakamobile was getting refueled at a gas station. As Freakazoid wiped the windshield, Sgt. Cosgrove drove up in his patrol car.
"Hey, Freakazoid!" Cosgrove called out, "You wanna go on a fishing trip?"
"Sure!"
--
"You're lost, aren't you?" Max asked.
"I am not lost," Sam insisted, "None of these roads go where their supposed to, that's all."
The Freelance Police had been driving around the back roads of Missouri for quite some time now, and the lack of distractions was making Max a little stir-crazy.
Eventually, they came upon two men fishing out of a rain puddle.
"Sam, if I don't get to shoot at someone soon, I'll snap!"" Max grimaced, twisting his ears around.
"I'll just ask this gentlemaen for directions, to see if he knows of a way out of the state," Sam said, "And if he doesn't you can shoot him, happy?"
"Only if it's the second choice," Max answered.
Shaking his head, Sam called out to the pair of men. "Gentlemen!"
The two puddle fishers began to look around.
"He means you two bums," Max explained.
The puddle-fishers oriented their focus on the Freelance Police.
"Would you two boys know how to get to Kansas from here?" Sam asked.
One of the puddle-fishers pointed off road. "Just go that way, you'll be able to get to Kansas easily." He said.
"Much obliged," Sam thanked, and the Freelance Police drove off in that direction.
After the Adventurer was out of sight, the puddle-fisher looked to his friend.
"Bums, indeed."
--
"I don't know about this, Sam," Max said.
"You think these directions are bad," Sam asked.
"No," Max explained, "This just feels too boring to be one of our adventures, that's all."
Before Sam could comment on that, the Adventurer took a nosedive. It had gone off a cliff!
"AAHHHH!" Sam and Max screamed.
SPLASH!
The Desoto Adventure bobbed and down as it floated along the Missouri River.
Sam wrung out his hat and asked of Max, "Is this exciting enough for you?"
"It'll do in a pinch."
--
Elsewhere, the Rustbucket roared down the Missouri highway.
"Okay, we should be at the next state in two hours," Grampa Max announced, "But before that, is anybody hungry? Last stop till Kansas coming up."
"I am!" Gwen groaned, her hand on her stomach, "I feel like I'll explode if I don't get something to eat!"
No sooner had the words left Gwen's mouth did an explosion sound off- outside of the RV!
BOOM!
"Ahh!" Gwen cried, looking around. Peeking out the back, she saw an all-too familiar ice cream truck coming up from behind. "We've got a problem!"
"I'm on it!" Ben yelled, fiddling with the Omnitrix. "Heatblast should do the trick!" He decided, and slapped down on the alien device's trigger.
FWASH!
"Stinkfly?" The human-turned alien bug asked, perplexed. "Oh, well. It'll have to do. Open a window!"
Outside, Needles was busy aiming his gattling gun, preparing to slow the Rustbucket down enough to blast it with h missiles, when he saw something fly out from it.
"What is that?" The driver of Sweet Tooth muttered, squinting, "A bird? A plane?"
SPLAT!
As Sweet Tooth's windshield wipers wiped away the green goo Stinkfly spat on it, Needles laughed mockingly.
"Gross! But you'll have to do better than that!" The clown cackled, and adjusted the gun's aim.
"Whoa! What the!" Stinkfly cried, as it zigged and zagged through the air in a desperate bid to avoid the gunfire. "I gotta do something about those guns!"
With aim befitting a passing pigeon, Stinkfly quickly covered Sweet Tooth's main gun with a slew of sticky green goop, clogging the barrel.
"What else ya got?" Stinkfly taunted haughtily.
Growling, Needles armed his missile launcher. The cannon barrel poked itself out of the clown head, signifying doom for its unfortunate target.
Stinkfly gulped when he saw the cannon. "That's trouble," An idea then hit him. "Or is it?"
Taking a big breath, Stinkfly launched the mother of all goo-balls at the clown head's cannon. By some mind-boggling coincidence, the goop hit the missile launcher just a Needles hit the trigger. The effect was near-instantaneous.
KA-BLOOEY!
"Awesome!" Stinkfly cheered, watching the clown-head go up in flames.
Sweet Tooth Cam: "That little BLEEP blew up my head!" Roared Needles, gripping his knife in fury, his head-fire blazing more than usual. "He'll pay! In blood!"
"Yeahha ha!" Stinkfly laughed, flying about.
FWASH!
"Uh, oh," Ben gulped, no longer capable of flight. As he fell screaming, a mysterious power grabbed him before he hit the pavement.
"Thanks, Gwen!" Ben yelled, flashing a thumbs-up to the Rustbucket.
--
On a road that went along the Missouri River, the Starship was…not moving. It hadn't budged in fifteen minutes.
"Wake up, Kirby!" Tokkori ordered, fluttering about the puffball. "C'mon! You've slept enough!" He gave the star warrior a good pecking as an incentive.
Kirby didn't even flinch.
"Ahh, to heck with it," Tokkori grumbled, and positioned himself on the Starship's lever. Unfortunately, it was at this time that Kirby subconsciously put his foot down, exerting extra pressure on the lever. That- with the added weight of Tokkori being squashed in-between- caused the Starship to rocket forward!
"Wak!" Tokkori squawked, being sandwiched between the warrior and his ship.
--
Further ahead on the Missouri River, the Magic Ferry Boat paddled lazily along the water. Ms. Frizzle's class had begun to relax, and Liz had a fishing line in the water.
"Catch anything, Liz?" Ralphie asked.
Liz checked her line and shook her head to indicate no.
A loud 'vroom' filled the air, and the class looked to the riverside to see a yellow blur zip past them, followed by a trail of kicked-up dust.
"What was that?!" Keesha asked, surprised.
"It's Kirby!" Carlos realized.
"He's beating us!" Phoebe cried.
"Do something, Ms. Frizzle!" Wanda appealed.
Ms. Frizzle pushed a button on the dash board.
"Fasten your seatbelts, class!" She commanded, as the Bus began to change.
The spun and shook, and in a flash, became a more wave-racer-like vehicle.
"WA-HOO!" Ms. Frizzle's voice rang out into the air as the Magic Wave Racer roared down the river.
--
"…And so I was zapped into the internet, and here I am." Freakazoid concluded.
"That is just plain weird, dude," Chris commented.
It just so happened that the boat Freakazoid and Cosgrove went fishing on was the same one Chris was riding on.
"Yo, Sarge," Chris said to Cosgrove, "You catch anything, man?"
"Nah," Cosgrove muttered, reeling in his line. "Maybe I should switch to gummy worms, these real ones don't seem to be doing the trick."
"Coud work, dude," Chris turned and pressed a few keys on his laptop. "Here's a video shout-out for Hong Kong Phooey, and guess what, Mike, she's a cop like you!"
Shout-Out: Rosemary, the phone operator at the police station in the city Hong Kong Phooey lived in, giggled a little bit before speaking. "Hello, Hong Kong! This is just a little well-wishing from your fans and fellow good guys! You're doing a wonderful job! When you fought those bikers, I practically swooned! We're all rooting for you, even Penry, if he wasn't on vacation. Good luck!"
"I wouldn't mind being arrested by her, huh?" Chris asked, his eyebrows arching. Just then, the Magic Wave Racing sped by, splashing Chris.
"Hey!" the host sputtered, "Watch the hair, will ya!"
Getting out a comb, Chris began to style his hair as he spoke. "As we leave the state of Missouri, our positions are…
"In first place, the Starship…
"In second place, the Magic School Bus…
"In third place, Square's Wheels…
"In fouth place, Daddy's Ferrari…
"In fifth place, the Freakamobile…
"In sixth place, the Phooeymobile…
"In seventh place, the Desoto Adventurer…
"In eighth place, the Rustbucket…
"In ninth place, Sweet Tooth…
"And in tenth and last place, the Mean Machine.
"What strange twists will our racers have to put up with in the next state?" Chris asked.
"Find out next time," Freakazoid chimed in.
Cosgrove poked his head in as well. "On Drag Race: Worldwide!"