Story 7: Jason the Babysitter

When he woke up, Nightwing discovered two very important things. The first thing being that he was no longer lying like roadkill in a back ally in Gotham. The second and more baffling thing was that he was somehow upside down and his head kept bumping against something soft and black. How he had arrived in this particular predicament he found utterly baffling. However, he managed to deduce that he had been slung over someone's shoulder and carried away. The big black thing was Batman's cape. He supposed he could take a modicum of comfort from that considering all the other people it could have been. Unfortunately, this revelation didn't explain much; he still couldn't remember what happened and why he wasn't able to walk himself.

"Um, can you put me down now?" he asked.

Batman jumped at the sound of his voice but continued steadily on his chosen path. "No."

"Nice going out there, Grayson. Once again you prove to the world your superior skills at getting beaten up," said Robin dryly as he removed his mask. He tried to look his brother in the face as he was carried up the stairs. The angle (Dick being upside-down and all) made it impossible.

"Don't be too hard on him, Damien," Tim put in, "he did save your butt from Bane. You were almost street pizza yourself."

"I would have moved," Damien snapped, "if it wasn't for Grayson's fascination with doing a horrible job trying to save me." Damien was playing tough but to those who knew him, it was obvious he was just hiding his concern under a layer of callousness. At this point, Dick lost consciousness again.

He woke up again at noon the next day. Bruce was sitting by his bed and Damien was sitting on his bed. Alfred was also nearby doing something outside his line of sight. He shifted painfully. Everything hurt. "What happened? I feel like I was hit by an ice-cream truck."

"An ice-cream truck? Really, Dick?" asked Jason walking in.

"I like to think happy thoughts," Dick defended himself. Jason just facepalmed.

"Your chest was crushed by Bane. You broke six ribs and had some internal damage as well. Alfred and Leslie fixed you up," Bruce explained.

"Did Bane get away?" asked Dick.

"Of course not!" said Damien indignantly, "no thanks to you. I couldn't even finish the fight because I had to look after you."

Alfred finally came into Dick's view. He looked terrible. His skin looked clammy, his eyes were cloudy and ringed with deep purple circles. To Dick's still addled brain, the closest thing he could compare the man to at the moment was a racoon. Poor Alfred. "If that will be all sir, I'll go and pack your things for Washington," he addressed Bruce.

"I'll pack for myself Alfred. You should get some rest."

"Sir, I don't require rest until you are settled and out the door."

"Don't worry about me. I'm taking Tim with me. He'll be able to find our elusive hacker and thief faster than anyone else." Tim gawked at Bruce. They were going on a business trip while Dick was badly injured and Alfred was sick. That was just asking for trouble.

"But Bruce, if we leave, who will take care of Dick and Alfred and run the house?" Tim wanted to know.

"Jason will be in charge," Bruce pronounced. "He can take care of Dick and Alfred and make sure Damien gets to school."

Jason spat his soda in a fountain that misted over Bruce and Dick before he started coughing. "Say what now? What an appalling notion! I can't babysit them while you and Tim are galivanting around Washington looking for some Wayne Tech hacker!" he choked.

"It's only for a couple days."

"I must protest, sir. I don't need anyone to take care of me," said Alfred indignantly.

"Father, I do not require a sitter. And I certainly don't need Todd!" declared Damien hotly. "I can look after Grayson and Pennyworth myself. And I certainly know how to get to school. If anything, Todd is the one we should watch!"

"Now just one moment there demon-boy-" Jason began.

"Enough!" shouted Bruce. The room instantly went silent. "This is my house, my family, and my rules. Jason will take care of things here and all three of you are going to listen to him. Jason, you will be responsible and make sure Alfred doesn't do anything stupid, like try to clean while he's sick. And don't let Dick up before he's recovered enough. Watch Damien like a hawk. Tim, you come with me. Go back your bags; we leave in two hours."

Two hours later, Bruce and Tim were out the door on the way to the airport. Alfred was in bed with a hot water bottle and moaning in his sleep. Jason guessed he was having a nightmare about what the kitchen would look like when he was well enough to return to cooking. Damien was in Dick's room and they were watching Disney's Tarzan. Jason groaned at the movies Dick liked to watch. He could be such a child sometimes. Damien complained too, but he was secretly enjoying it.

Jason decided to make some chicken soup for Alfred. He got out a chicken, a gallon of water, some vegetables, and a bottle of beer (the beer was for him). He took the cookbook down from the top shelf and tied the apron around his waist. He could hear Dick laughing upstairs. He heard Damien start to laugh but the boy quickly suppressed the sound and said instead, "this is meaningless Grayson." Jason shook his head, popped the lid off the beer and began to read the directions in the cookbook.

After a while, Jason started reading the book like this:

Step 1: Pour water in the pot

Step 2: chug beer

Step 3: put chicken in the water

Step 4: chug beer

Step 5: turn on water stove

Step 6: bug cheer

Step 7: put water in vegetables and boil salt

Step 8: high beer poor chicken in broth vegetables on

Step 9: chub geer

Step 10: let beer simmer for 20 hours

Set 11: chug beer, leave chicken soup on the stove all night and pass out on the couch

The next morning, Jason woke up at 11:30 on the couch. He nearly panicked when he looked at the clock. He raced into the kitchen. His chicken broth had boiled over and was all over the floor. He clamped his hands over his head in dismay. What a mess! And what a headache he had. Note to self, lay off the beer for a bit.

There was a note from Damien on the refrigerator. It said, "nice going Todd. You're off to a great start. I'm at school but when I come home, I plan to kill you for not doing your job and taking care of Grayson. Your death, Damien Wayne."

Oh no, thought Jason desperately. He charged upstairs into Dick's room, but stopped short. It looked like Dick had just fallen asleep again. That wasn't bad. It looked like someone (not him obviously) had taken care of things up here. No need to worry on this end till Damien got back.

Jason took a deep breath. But his relief was short lived when he heard a vacuum cleaner in the other room. Alfred. He bolted for the inhouse movie theatre to find the butler vacuuming cat fur off the floor. If it was possible he looked worse than the day before.

"Damn, Alfred! What are you doing!" he screamed.

"Vacuuming Master Jason. I suggest you have your eyes checked."

"My eyes are fine, but your hearing isn't. Bruce said you weren't supposed to do any cleaning until you are better. And you are not better." Alfred ignored him, so Jason yanked the plug out of the electrical socket and glared at the old man. Alfred glared back, but he wasn't himself and couldn't hold the stare. Jason dragged the man off to his room and promised to bring him some tea. When he returned with the tea, Alfred had a list of chores for him to do.

At school, Damien devised a plan to mess with Todd. He invited or rather demanded that his classmates return to the manor with him for a swim. The manor had in indoor pool and an outdoor pool; both were perfect for parties. When he and his friends got back, Jason was still wearing the apron and covered head to toe in four, soot, and lint. The kitchen was a wreck and the living room was sparsely populated with piles of laundry.

Jason stopped in the middle of the floor with a pile of clothes in his hands and a cigarette in his mouth when he saw Damien. But it wasn't Damien that petrified him; it was the gaggle of middle school students in their swimsuits that got his attention. Jason glared at Damien. This was obviously the way the little demon child had planned to kill him. Jason thought about going for his guns.

"These unavoidable irritants are my guests and they will be staying for a swim. Todd, you will help me entertain them," said Damien.

Jason was flabbergasted. "Get these pests out of here before I call the exterminator!" Without another word, Damien pushed past Jason and headed upstairs to check on Dick and change into his swim trunks. He didn't want his classmates over for any other reason than to make things miserable for his older brother.

Meanwhile downstairs, the kids started running around and exploring the house. They were loud. Really loud. The only reason Jason didn't react immediately to that was because he was still in a state of horrified shock. However, he soon found himself chasing kids around and shouting things like, "don't jump on the couch; no mooning the neighbors through the window; hey, don't mess with Ace and put Bat-cat down this instant!"

The ruckus brought Alfred out of bed. He was still dressed in his nightcap and powering gown (very English). He looked frail and sickly, however, he also wore a look of determination and carried a shotgun. Jason laughed at the sight. He was picturing Alfred as Elmer Fudd going downstairs to shoot Buggs Bunny for imposing on his beauty sleep. "Master Jason, what in heaven's name is going on down here! Who are these hooligans?"

"They're Damien's guests. I'll give you a lifetime supply of tea if you shoot them all," replied Jason.

"Master Jason!"

"Well, it was worth a shot," he shrugged. You just can't win them all, but that didn't mean he wouldn't try. First the cats, then the cats plus dog, and now kids. Bruce was just never going to have a nice quiet house as long as the boys were living with him.

Damien took his classmates to the indoor pool. They were all very impressed and eager to play in it. They needed a life guard and adult supervision because there was no way on Earth that they were going to be well behaved. But Jason couldn't watch them because another problem walked down the stairs and demanded his immediate attention.

"Why are the cats back and who taught them to speak English? It wasn't Alfred, their grammar is too bad," said Dick sleepily. He stood halfway down the stairs and swayed on his feet. He was completely out of it.

"Go back to bed, idiot!" shouted Jason. He didn't have time to deal with this.

"But why are the cats back?" Dick pressed.

"They're not cats, they're kids."

"As in goats?"

"No, human children who are about to die. One demon-child in particular," Jason explained starting towards Dick before he collapsed. There were obviously too many drugs in his system. Another failure of Jason's because he was supposed to keep an eye on the IV. He carefully let Dick fall over his shoulder and started carrying him back up the stairs. Unfortunately, Dick seemed to have plans of his own and started thrashing around to get down. He kicked his legs and beat his fists on Jason's back. That was it; no more drugs for Dick. Jason put his brother back in bed and told him to stay put. They could still hear the commotion down stairs.

When he got back down stairs, Jason found Alfred doing his best to help Damien watch the kids. They were serving snacks that hardly lasted five minutes and handing out towels. All that laundry, Jason sighed. Worst babysitting job ever! Jason was starting to think that Dick hadn't really been that out of it when he called the kids a heard of goats. Note to self, ask Bruce for a raise. He joined back in the mayhem and made Alfred go back upstairs. The man was practically hyperventilating at the shape the house was in yet again.

It was a good thing Alfred left because a huge food fight erupted. The kids overturned tables to create barricades on either side of the room. From behind these, they launched the hotdogs, fruit, pretzels, and cupcakes Alfred had provided. Jason stood in the doorway fuming. He marched between the two sides and shouted at the top of his voice, "ENOUGH!"

Did the kids listen? Absolutely not. Damien launched a cupcake at Jason's face with pinpoint accuracy. The other kids followed suit and Jason was soon caught in the crossfire of the raging food war. Or more accurately, the common target. That was the last straw. When Jason went into his 'I'm going to kill you all" mode, Damien was surprised it hadn't happened sooner. He chased the kids all back into the living room and blocked the exits.

After Damien's classmates had all been shoved out the door, Jason collapsed. His gaze roamed around the house; it was a disaster on steroids. Damien had wisely gone up to sit with Dick, so Jason knew he couldn't kill the little bastard. At least, not until Dick was asleep again. Instead of starting on the housekeeping again, he headed upstairs to check on his brother and Alfred.

He walked into Dick's room. Alfred was sitting in a comfy arm chair by the bed, Damien was putting in another movie, and Dick was half asleep. He looked a little feverish, but not too bad all things considered. Jason walked over to him just as Damien was climbing onto the bed on the other side. He desperately wanted to strangle the little brat, but there were witnesses here.

Jason was exhausted, and still hadn't recovered from the hangover. But someone had to put the house in order again. He started the leave, when he felt a tug on his wrist. He looked down at Dick. "Jason, stay and watch a movie with us."

"I can't. There is a lot of work to be done and anyways, I hate cartoons." Dick pulled him closer to the bed and Jason found he was only half-heartedly resisting. So, he sat down and watched Aladdin with them.

It was midnight when Bruce and Tim got back. They were a day earlier than expected because, true to form, Tim found the hacker faster than anyone expected. The house was a total wreck. "What did Jason do? Bring the cats back?" gasped Tim.

"Let's find out," Bruce suggested. He and Tim walked upstairs. The first thing they did was look in on Dick. When they entered the room, they saw: Alfred asleep in the chair, Dick was sleeping with his head on Jason's shoulder, Jason laid back and snoring, and Damien curled up with his head on Dick's legs. Tim got out his phone and took a picture of them. "This is going to all the Titans," he whispered with a grin. Bruce shut off the light and closed the door behind them.

He turned to Tim, "I don't think I'll make the mistake of leaving Jason in charge again. He's a lousy babysitter," said Bruce. Tim nodded as they stared at the mess downstairs. tomorrow there would be hell to pay, but for now, he'd let them sleep.

Author's Note:

Up next, Bad Lip Reading: Bruce has a date with a woman the boys don't trust, so they follow the couple. Unfortunately, they miss read the situation.

Thanks for reading.