Chapter 7

One week later.

She woke up in a cold sweat and looked around the room as she took in the unfamiliar surroundings. I hate this place. Breathing heavy she took a sip of the water cup on the bedside table. She suddenly remembered why she was there and anger filled her chest. She lifted the covers, stepped out of bed and paced floor until the sun rose.

"You tried to kill yourself." With an even tone Andre made the statement.

"I did not try to kill myself." Anger mixed with resentment coated her words. She wasn't sure why she still went to the sessions, they only angered her more.

"But you made it look like you did, for who's benefit? …Horror is probably a better word."

"Jeez doc, no foreplay? You just get right to it. Aren't you supposed to ask me some bullshit about how I slept?"

"You're deflecting."

"I slept amazingly well on the cardboard you all pass off as a mattress. Thank you. And the cinderblock cells you put us in traps the heat magnificently. I'm also grateful for the little window which taunts me with glimpses from the outside world."

He ignored her outburst, "The scene you created, who was supposed to see it? Patrick? Emma? Danny?"

"I would never want Emma or Danny―that's sick."

"So Patrick?"

She was quiet.

"Sam, did you think about killing yourself?"

She played with the silver dollar in her hand, shifting it down each finger. "No. Not once did I think 'hey I should kill myself' but the pain, I wanted it to stop. And the only time I didn't feel that ache was when I was dreaming on pills. Every time I woke up the pain was worse than it was before. I took an extra pill so I would dream longer. That night, I don't know. I guess I didn't think. The wine and the pills… I just didn't think."

"Was it subconscious?"

"I… don't know. Can we move on please?" Remembering the events of that night made her uncomfortable. She was well aware of the devastating alternative had she event taken one more pill.

"Sure. Do you blame Patrick for what happened with your son?"

She recalled their argument, "He accused me of blaming him for Noah's condition."

"I didn't ask you what he believes; I asked how you feel about him."

She thought for a moment, "I don't blame him for the surgery. I believe he did everything possible for our son at the time. What I blame him f―what angers me is that he gave up. He gave up on… our son." Emotion cracked her voice. "He could have fought harder for him but he didn't. Even after I begged and pleaded and fought with him over it"

"How? From what you've told me in other sessions, it doesn't sound like he gave up at all."

"He let Noah be transferred to that long term facility."

"Medstar is one of the top medical clinics in the country. The technology they have there could help your son be more comfortable and possibly even improve. That doesn't sound like giving up to me Sam, it sounds like fighting for the best outcome for your son.'

"The best outcome would be for him to be awake, alert and never to have gone through this."

He nodded in agreement. "Of course, but it did happen Sam and you have to deal with that. Do you blame Danny for what happened?"

"What!? No, of course not!"

"It could be argued If Danny had never gotten drunk that night, none of this would have happened. When a tragedy occurs it's natural to want to blame someone. And it's even okay, to blame the party at fault. But this situation is a little different. Danny is your son and guilt may accompany the blame. Sometimes we try to find a safe place for our anger, a mother, a brother, a husband―Someone who's strong enough to take it who also isn't going to bail on you. Is it possible that you have transferred your blame from your son to your husband?

"I've replayed that night in my head a thousand times. What I could have done differently to change the series of events. Danny made a poor decision to go out that night and get drunk, there's no question about that. He is a good kid who decided to experiment with alcohol not unlike other kids have at his age. He's never done anything like that before. I don't understand why he made that decision but I know… I know it isn't his fault. There's another scenario in which Danny wasn't drinking. They were just wrestling which they tend to do fairly often. What if Noah got seriously hurt from one of the times they wrestled. Would I blame Danny? No, I wouldn't. The guilt is eating him up from the inside. He loves his little brother. What happened was an accident… And to answer your question, no, I haven't transferred feelings from Danny to Patrick. But…." She looked off to gather her thoughts. "Maybe I have transferred the anger I feel from being helpless to Patrick…"

"This is good Sam. These sessions are here to provide you a safe place to explore the turmoil in your head and heart without any pressure. I think we've made a lot of progress today, a breakthrough if you will. I want you to think on all we discussed today and I'll see you back here in two days!"

"Okay, that wasn't so bad."

Andre chuckled, "that's what I've been trying to tell you!"

She smiled acknowledging her stubbornness.

"Sweetheart," Patrick walked into the family room surprised by his daughter. "Hey what are you doing here? I thought you were staying with grandma Anna?" He brushed off the thought of the home he provided for his children bringing such pain that they sought refuge elsewhere.

"I was, I am but I can't come to see my dad?" Emma had only been staying with her grandmother for the week Sam had been at Nulife. She wasn't sure why she didn't want to be at home maybe because memories of how joyous it used to be constantly flooded her thoughts. She missed her father though.

"Of course, you can. I always want to see you." Patrick smiled.

"Have you talked to mama?"

"No, the program mama is in is intensive and doesn't allow her to communicate with family and friends for a couple of weeks. We can visit her in two weeks. I spoke with Andre and he said she's doing okay."

"I miss her."

"Me too." He placed an arm around his daughter.

"It kinda feels like we've all been separated for months. I miss everyone, Noah, mama, Danny… you!"

"I'm right here baby. I'm not going anywhere." He kissed her forehead.

"I know, but I miss hanging out with you and our daddy-daughter days. I feel like it's been forever since we did anything."

"You know what, I've got an idea. How about we get something to eat and spend the day together, we can do whatever you want, maybe a movie or something."

"Right now?" Emma questioned.

"Yes, there's no better time than the present!"

Patrick watched his daughter's face light up with laughter as she recalled the scene from the movie in which the smart brother though it a good idea, to push his maimed brother on a makeshift sled over the side of the mountain for him to get stuck suspended in air. It was a comedy about estranged brother's who got stuck on the top of a mountain and had to come together for survival as wacky hijinks ensue. He didn't really get the movie but he enjoyed the time with his girl

"You liked that movie huh?"

She laughed, "No, but the levity was a nice break from reality. The pickings were slim. Maybe we should've seen Ride Along 2."

He smiled, she never ceased to impress him, "What was it called again? Men of…"

"Mountain Men, Daddy."

"Oh, right."

"Maybe it'll take Danny and I getting stranded on a mountain to work everything out."

"I don't think so. You two have been thick as thieves since you were younger. When Sam and I started dating, you didn't skip a beat to take Danny under your wings as a little brother. It was so cute, I remember you used to check on him and make sure he was okay." She smiled. "Nothing has changed from then until now. Neither of you have told me exactly what happened but I can guess. You realized you can't protect him from everything. It's a hard lesson to learn baby girl and it only becomes harder to navigate as a parent, which you won't learn for another thirty years!"

"Daddy!"

"My point is, you're just his big sister, don't put so much pressure on yourself. Just be his sister. Leave the rest to me, Jason and mama."

"Okay, I think I can do that."

"You think so?" she nodded. "Besides you're going to be leaving me and going off to college soon! I'm going to have to start wearing 'proud dad' hats, any hints on where I'll be purchasing from?"

She giggled. "No, daddy don't get those, they are so lame!"

"What? I think I would look good in them! I can make them cool!" He pretended to model an imaginary hat. He loved being able to make his little girl laugh again. She'd taken on so much in the last few months, it warmed his heart to see her light again.

Two weeks later.

Sam stared at the ceiling, she concentrated on counting the dots to try and ignore the nausea coursing through her stomach. She was both excited and nervous to see her family for the first time today since entering the clinic. She ached for her children.

"knock, knock" Andre spoke as he pushed the door slightly ajar. "Big day…"

She lifted her head, "yea no kidding."

"Are you nervous?"

She sat up, "nervous would be an understatement."

Andre laughed, "Nervousness is completely normal, Sam. Most patients at this stage are a wreck. Your progress has been remarkable, but I understand you still have doubts. This will be the first time your family will have seen you in a couple weeks. You've started the process of healing and I'm sure they will be able to see your progress. Don't put any pressure on yourself."

"Thanks Doc, I will try not to."

Patrick felt a tingle in his spine. He wasn't sure who would greet him behind the door; if It would be the broken woman he last saw or a semblance of the woman he fell in love with. He would be lying if he didn't admit the last three weeks had been some of the hardest and he yearned for the woman, regardless of her state. Perhaps that made him selfish, he wasn't sure. He knocked on the door.

Sam heard the knock and took a deep breath to gather herself before opening the door. "Hi."

"Hi."

She stepped aside to let him in the room and searched the hall for the rest of her family. Disappointment settled in when she didn't see them.

Awkwardness filled the air before he spoke, "you look good." Her coloring was back and she seemed to be gaining some weight back. And the circles were gone.

"Thank you."

He anxiously scratched at a spot in his head that didn't itch. "How… how are you?"

"That's a loaded question!" She watched his eyes shift rapidly and could almost see the scramble in his head. She smiled softly, "I'm kidding. I'm doing much better."

Relief filled him as he cracked a small smile, "that's good."

"The kids… didn't want to come?" She waited on baited breath, fearful of his answer.

"No, I just wanted to see you before they came…"

"Wanted to make sure I wasn't ready to jump down a hole."

"No…"

"I'm sorry… that wasn't fair. Sometimes I have this knee-jerk reaction and say what I'm thinking instead of what I mean. I know I gave Andre hell the first week I was here. He's a good man!"

Patrick laughed, "It's okay. I will take a knee-jerk reaction any day." He paused to collect his thoughts, "I just want…"

"Sam." She turned towards the door before he could finish his statement. "Hope I'm not interrupting, I have a couple of people here who would like to see you." Alexis opened the door further to reveal the anxious faces of Emma and Danny."

Sam ran towards her children and enveloped them into a tight embrace. Relief hit her like a ton of bricks. She gave them each a kiss on the forehead. She was ecstatic to her children and pulled back to look at them further. "Let me see your faces!" the nervousness she previously felt disappeared and in its place was joy. It had been a long time since she felt the freeness and she relished in the euphoria. She grabbed both of them by the hands and pulled them over to the bed where she sat and invited them both to sit. "Tell me what's been going on with you guys. Danny how are you?"

"I'm good." His response was short and simple out of fear he'd break her… again.

Sam could see the apprehension on her son's face. "Danny, it's okay. You don't have to edit yourself. You can't hurt me or set me back by talking about your lives," she looked up and silently addressed everyone in the room. "Being here… has helped me, tremendously. It wasn't easy, I won't lie to you all but I was given an outlet to talk about everything and it helped. I'm not 100% but that person I became… she's not here anymore. I understand that I can't bottle up the pain anymore. So I don't want you or you," she touched their faces as she locked eyes and finished her statement, "to feel like you can't talk to me. I broke your trust and I will earn it back. I promise."

Danny nodded and smiled. "I missed you mommy."

Sam pulled him into an embrace. I've missed you too! Both of you."

"Ahem" Alexis winked at her daughter.

"All of you!" Sam smiled at her mother.

"I think now would be as good a time as any to tell you guys…" Emma spoke up and Sam's heart sank.

"I got into Cornell!"

"You got in!?" Sam repeated.

"What!?" Patrick asked as he walked towards his daughter. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"I don't know. I guess I wanted to wait until we were all together again."

Patrick pulled her in and placed a kiss on her forehead, "I am so proud of you!"

Sam walked over and hugged her again, "You are amazing and I couldn't be any more proud of you!"

Danny and Alexis both embraced Emma and expressed their congratulations. Sam caught Patrick's eye and smiled. It had been a while since they shared the success of one of their children together and it felt good.

"We have to celebrate, once I get out of here!"

"I think that will definitely be on the agenda!" Alexis inferred to the other reason they would be celebrating.

"When are you getting out of here Mommy?"

"Hopefully in the next two weeks." Sam could see the sadness on her son's face and attempted to offer him comfort, "but it will fly by I promise you!"

Patrick looked at his watch to check the time. Sam noticed, "it's time?" He nodded.

"Okay. Um… thank you guys for coming today. You have no idea how much it meant to me. I'm going to continue to get better so I can come home."

"Molly and Kristina send their love. They really wanted to be here today but wanted to give you some time with these two!" Alexis explained

"I love them too."

"Anna sends her love as well!" Patrick added.

Sam held onto her children once more, resisting the emotions building. She wanted more time with them but visiting hours were ending. Mentally she recommitted herself to getting out there so she could be with her babies full time. Her heart was full of love. She watched as they began to leave.

"Mom can I talk to you for a minute?

Alexis stayed behind, "Sure sweetheart." She could see the emotion in Sam's eyes and extended her arms for a hug. Sam walked into her embrace. Tears silently fell as she felt a release only a mother could provide. Alexis felt her own emotion as she held her broken child. She used her thumbs to wipe her daughter's tears. Alexis could only count a handful of times Sam allowed herself to be vulnerable. Being that she didn't raise her and their relationship didn't start off in the best of terms she always marveled at how their relationship had progress. They would walk through hell for each other.

"I just wanted to say thank you."

"For what?"

"For being there for Danny and Emma while I couldn't. I honestly don't know where Danny would be right now if you hadn't been there for him. I've never been in such a dark place and you stepped up. And maybe I shouldn't say this but…"

"You can tell me anything."

"…I think part of the reason I could fall apart was because I knew you would be there for them. I knew you would love and protect them. It's twisted, I know."

"It's not. Sam you are quite possibly the strongest person I know. The amount of times life has handed you a blow to your knees and yet you've gotten back up and kept fighting. It's what you are doing now, I've witnessed it countless times that's only since I've known you. Your childhood wasn't easy either."

"I don't know, as much as I've hated this place and fought it for the first week I was here, I think I needed it. I have a tendency to push things down and just keep moving forward. I think I hit capacity, I couldn't push the pain down anymore. I just…I don't understand why my children have to be taken away from me." Her voice quivered.

"This isn't your fault Sam."

She wiped the lone fallen tear, "I know, I know. Sometimes it just feels like I'm in debt to the universe." She forced a half smile. "But you know I think I'm learning a bit about myself here and how to cope better. I have to deal with it instead of just pushing through."

Alexis's heart broke for her daughter; she didn't understand why she always got the short end of the stick. "You are pretty remarkable. And you don't have to thank me for anything concerning my grandchildren, Sam. I'm always going to be there for them. Like I told Danny, I'm your safety net. I'm always going to catch you. If you ever need a moment, just tap me. I'll be there.

Sam nodded. "Thank you."

"But… there is one thing you can do for me."

"Name it."

"Don't give up and keep doing what you're doing. I couldn't be more proud of you and the progress you've made. This family needs you. I need you."

"I won't, I love you Mom."

"I love you more." She kissed her forehead and cradled her daughter in her arm. Alexis turned to leave but held onto Sam's hand as long as possible.

A/N: Thanks for hangin in there with me. Sorry for the long break. I won't make any promises but hopefully you all won't have to wait so long for the next update. I certainly hope you enjoyed this one, let me know! Reviews are always appreciated! Also, check out my new story Mending Hearts. It's a Samlexis story featuring Samtrick and Julexis! :)