"The guy left his wife for you. He risked his kids, his job, he walked away from a whole life to be with you Olivia. There is nothing he wouldn't do for you."

"What is this? I feel like a scolded child."

"You're acting like a child."

"I don't have to listen to this….."

"Sit your whiney ass down!" yelled Fin, slamming his open palm down on the sofa beside him and flashing demanding eyes that she might do as he said. "You don't get to walk away just because you don't like what I got to say. That isn't how this works and you know it."

"Don't think I underestimate how much Elliot sacrificed for me Fin. Don't make it sound like I take him for granted because I don't."

"I know you don't…." rounding off the edges of his tone Fin turned up the corners of his mouth, "… and I also know just how much of a risk you take every time you let him in."

"I don't think it's even about religion at all."

"I know it isn't." Smiled Fin, knowing her better than she would ever realise and afforded with the clarity of an outside view he was often able to see the obvious before she herself could.

"Don't do that….." defending her line Olivia sat back down and crossed one leg over the other, rubbing at her right temple and leaning on her elbow, "… don't try to shrink me. You're no Huang."

"And church is no sadist cult and Elliot is no Tom Cruise. Evie and Sam aren't gonna understand most of what goes on beyond story time and singing and even if they do how bad could it be? I never found God but I sure as hell went looking the night Peach and I were drifting down the Hudson in a…."

"When did 'Peach' happen?" asked Olivia, unable to get an accurate reading on Fin's expression when he spoke of their absent friend. Something was different. Something ran deeper than it had before.

"You can't wrap those babies in cotton wool and keep them behind glass. I know you're scared. I can see it in your eyes. But you're so terrified that someone is gonna take those kids away from you you're losing rational judgement."

"I…."

"Well aren't you?" she couldn't deny it. Not when in her heart of hearts she knew that her greatest weakness was her agonizing history of loss.

"I've seen things Fin. I have seen things that even in their darkest moments most mothers couldn't even begin to imagine. I've seen good parents, great parents naively let their kids get caught up in…."

"So use your instincts. Trust your gut. Take what you know from the job and use it to protect your kids but they gotta have a life Liv. You gotta find a middle ground or they're gonna be suffocated and you're gonna lose your mind."

"It isn't that I don't want them to believe. I get that El does and a part of me is almost envious of it but I've also seen its cost him over the years. I don't know if I'll ever understand that kind of blind faith or the way he puts his faith above everything else."

"Not everything….." said Fin, catching her undivided attention as he enigmatically added, "… commandment number seven."

"I don't…."

"Thou shall not commit adultery."

"Wow….." mouthed Olivia, dropping her head into her hands and exhaling slowly, "… I am officially the worst person in the world."

"No you're not you're just a pain in the ass sometimes. Let Stabler take your kids to church and trust that they're not gonna get brainwashed. Trust that a Catholic guy willing to cheat on his wife and then divorce her to be with you has got blind faith in something….." smiling with a wry fondness Fin sighed, "….but it's not the man upstairs."

"I don't know how to get past the fear Fin." Confessed Olivia quietly, staring into the distance and realising she always had and always would be her own worst enemy. "There's no logic, no reason, but you're right I am terrified. I'm scared to death that it's all only temporary. That any moment something or someone could take them all away from me."

"They could." Shrugged Fin with a frankness that scolded her melancholy. "Same way you could get hit by a bus tomorrow or I could get struck by lightning the day after. You gotta fight the fear. You might have known more loss, more temporary than most in your life but Elliot is embarrassingly in love with you and anyone with eyes in their head can see you won the kid lottery so quit it. Quit sabotaging your own happiness."

"Fight the fear, huh?" she nodded, turning to her friend and smiling. By God she loved her rough diamond.

"You hear that Cragen's back?" affording her the relief of a subject change Fin watched her eyes widen in horror.

"You have got to be kidding me."

"Nah I wish I was….." sighed Fin sadly, "… and he looks awful."

"He barely got the all clear. He's nowhere near ready and what's more they know it so…."

"He pushed them into it, Liv….." meeting her eyes Fin knew there were only a handful of people who could truly share his concern and she was undoubtedly the one who would feel it most acutely, "… he reckons that job is all he has. That it's his only reason for getting up in the morning."

"He said that to you?" she asked, her heart aching like that of a daughter in her father's darkest hour.

"You know the only way he'll quit is if you nail that captains exam and step into his shoes….." shrugging his shoulders he thought he was simply voicing the obvious, "… just sayin' cheekbones."

"Well don't." Came the frosty reply as the weighty burden of responsibility sank down onto Olivia's shoulders. Her sense of duty was every bit as strong as Cragen's but unlike him the job was no longer all she had. She had three other very good reasons to get up in the morning and three reasons to ignore Fin's suggestion.

"Can I do it?"

"Sure, sure if you're really gentle you can….." nodded Elliot, patiently guiding Eve's chubby hands as she fastened the poppers of Sam's onesie with profound concentration, "… good job baby, you're a pro."

"I gonna watch TV now he's a bit boring."

"He'll get more interesting when he grows up a bit….." glancing at the clock in the hope of something suitable being on Elliot smiled, "… hey Mouse if you hurry up you'll catch the last fifteen minutes of Dora."

"Oh boy!" he wasn't entirely sure where she'd picked up that expression from but it, combined with the expression of abject delight on her face was enough to melt even the hardest of hearts.

"I think that maybe I owe you an apology." Came a voice from the bathroom as Olivia emerged from a long soak in the tub and an hour of deep thought over all that Fin had said that morning.

"Yeah?" asked Elliot, jostling Sam lightly as the infant fussed lightly for a few moments before gradually beginning to settle in the security of his father's arms.

"Yeah….." she nodded with a heavy, accepting sigh and a determined tug on the ties of her bathrobe.

"You know you actually have to say the words….." smirked Elliot, his eyes alight, "… even I they are like vinegar."

"I never had any reason to believe in any god let alone the one you do. I never had much reason to believe in anything for a long time."

"Liv…."

"No, no please let me finish." She insisted, setting herself down beside him on the couch.

"Okay, okay go….."

"But then I guess today I realised that I have two beautiful children with a man who isn't afraid to kick my ass and call me out when I'm being a stubborn brat….." laughing despite herself Olivia leant forward and touched his knee, stroking at his thigh and sighing with a weary shake of her head, "…. and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I stonewalled you. I'm sorry I was such a bitch."

"There….." he grinned, tilting his head "….that wasn't so painful was it?"

"I love you Elliot…" unconsciously twisting at her engagement ring Olivia confessed with a culpable vulnerability and a rare flash of weakness, "….but I'm no good at this."

"You're a work in progress." He smiled adoringly.

"Shut up!" balked Olivia, swatting his arm gently and rolling her eyes with a sigh as she snapped from her regretful gloom. "I'm serious. I might hate how well you know me sometimes but it doesn't make you wrong. I've been on my own for so long I'm not even sure I know how to share my life with someone else. You were right. You were right that it wouldn't have been a discussion. I'm not good at not getting my own way."

"It's what makes you an incredible advocate for victims." Noted Elliot, never having known a detective in his entire career willing to risk as much as she does to get justice for those wronged.

"And a shitty fiancée." She countered with a wry smile.

"You're not so very bad….." sliding a hand free from cradling the baby Elliot reached out and drew her by the nape of her neck until she was close enough to kiss, "…. you just have a few areas with room for improvement."

"Oh do I now Rocky?" she shot back, quick to highlight he was far from perfect himself.

"Okay, okay I guess we're both a work in progress…" he laughed, accepting the fair challenge, "….and maybe the church thing can wait until they're old enough to make their own choice."

"No."

"You don't want them going when their older?" he asked, now more disappointed than angry.

"All I remember of Sunday mornings is that they came after Saturday nights. I spent them alone and miserable vowing that if I ever had kids of my own then I would make damn sure things were different for them." Biting her lip lightly Olivia reached out and stroked Sam's cheek as he dozed off and smiled, "When Evie came home yesterday she literally bounced through that door. She was so excited about the magic fishes and the cookies and there was so much joy in her little face…" looking up at Elliot she lost her voice momentarily.

"If you're not comfortable….."

"God and I have some things to figure out and I don't make any promises there…" shrugging with an openness borne out of implicit trust in him she shrugged, "…. but I believe in you. So consider this me bending."

"You're gonna let me take them? Every Sunday?"

"No we're gonna take them….." sometimes she drove him to the very brink of insanity and others, in one simple glance, one sentence she could make him fall in love with her all over again, "… it isn't fair for me to judge something I have no real experience of."

"Seriously?" he asked softly, overwhelmed by not only the gesture but the smell of her freshly bathed skin and the way her robe hung loose in a deep v over an ample cleavage.

"Well that and I heard they give you free cookies." She shrugged, catching his eyes and lifting them up from her chest.

"Thank you….." he murmured, leaning in and kissing her softly, "… you don't know how much it means to me."

"Yeah….." she countered, mirroring his smile and nodding steadily, "… yeah I do."

"Where is she Fin?"

"Detective Munch….." declared Fin with a flamboyancy that neither suited him nor sat comfortably with his long term partner, who stood in the doorway of his apartment with his brow furrowed in a deep set frown, "… to what do I owe this unexpected pleasure?"

"I don't know why it is but you people just keep taking Cragen for a fool."

"I'm not sure I know what you're….." began Fin, the conversation increasingly uncomfortable as he stood under no illusion that Munch knew exactly what game he was playing.

"He's sick not stupid. Rollins goes missing from an undercover op in Atlanta and you call in sick the next day? How is that strep throat anyway?"

"Thriving."

"This isn't going to end well for either one of you. I want you to know that. I want you to hear me when I say that you need to unpick this mess and fast. Cragen won't throw either of you under the bus but he can't help you if you're lying to him….." and then, because the visit was not entirely business John added, "… none of us can."

"I appreciate you coming round John." Said Fin with a determined nod and dismissive gesture toward the door.

"You're not the only one with something to lose here Fin. Do you have any idea what this will do to Cragen if they find out he knew where she was all along?"

"He didn't know….." with a slow, deliberate calm and steely gaze at his friend Fin instructed, "….and neither did you."

"I hope to God you know what you're doing." Sighed Munch, tired from this round but far from ready to give up the fight. Not all for the love of his partner but also firm in the belief that whatever had driven Amanda Rollins out of Atlanta must've been beyond words. She was not a runner and Fin was the best judge of character he knew.

"I'll see you tomorrow old man." Replied Fin evasively, seeds of doubt planted in his mind as he felt what it was to be on the wrong side of the fence. He had never once been in opposition to Munch and the fear in the older man's eyes troubled him deeply. Had he lost his head to those little girl lost eyes that had shown up on his doorstep.

"He's right you know."

"It's fine. It's all good. He's gone now….." said Fin as Amanda stood in the bedroom doorway with her head hung in shame, "….you okay with pasta again for dinner only I didn't get to the store."

"I killed a man, Fin."

"Peach you don't have to tell me…"

"I shot him. I shot him twice."

"It's not like we haven't all been there. It's nasty and it's messed up but its part of the job. In uniform or undercover makes no difference you do what you gotta do and you deal with the consequences. If your life was in danger then you were absolutely right to…."

"He was unarmed."

"But he…." floundered Fin, seeing in her eyes that there was nothing to reach for and he was grasping at thin air.

"And he was running away."