"F...Frisk...?"
Chara gave a pat on my shoulder. I didn't turn to them or to anything. I just stood there like a mannequin, feeling hopeless after I had witnessed the most horrible scene I've ever been. Asgore committed suicide. He did. And why? Why would he do that? Why did he care about my happiness anyway? I'm never happy, and I'll never will. I curse this depression I had been suffering for years, but I couldn't help it. How can someone even get rid of their own depression in the first place? And why would this king who tried to kill me... Simply said that he "couldn't give me happiness"?
"I... I never thought my dad... I mean Asgore... Would do that... I thought he has a soft heart and a crybaby, but is always nice and gentle... Why..."
"It doesn't matter..." I muttered quietly. I couldn't figure out whether Chara heard me or not.
"Frisk?"
My hand waved towards the "Reset" button and pressed it. And again, we ended up in the same flowerbed spot and we had to go on the similar journey. Befriend everyone, not killing them, maybe even "help" them.
This time... I don't want to "not kill them". I want this route to be different. It has to be different. I'm tired of this "being nice" shenanigans. I'm so bored of it that I could puke all day. I have to do this. I can do this. I need to see something different. I need to do this. I need to do this... I need to do this...
I am filled with DETERMINATION.
Monster Kid was staring at a Christmas Tree proudly towering itself in the middle of Snowdin Town. Clearly he was amazed by its enormous size and Christmas-like decoration, even though it wasn't Christmas at that month. He put his Christmas gift under the tree. He was hoping to give his present to a random monster who would kindly accept it. After all, monsters in Snowdin were told that giving away random gifts at the tree would make the receiver happy, regardless of who they are.
"It's like giving and taking," Monster Kid thought to himself.
In the distance, he could see me walking through the town entrance. I slowly walked and ran into the sign that read "Welcome to Snowdin Town!". It was full of nostalgia, but for some reason it wasn't a very precious nostalgic memory that people should've had. It was an empty nostalgia, at least for me and Chara. I didn't know how many times I've seen this sign again. As I walked slowly and slowly into the town while hearing the sound of my boots sinking into the deep snow, I looked at my hands. My hands were covered in dust. Monsters turn into dust, and some of them already did. I really did it. I killed some of the monsters, but not Toriel or anyone. I was too guilty to kill them, but not the random Froggits or Whimsuns that seemed to have no value in living. Even Flowey agreed that I'm a "monster" for killing them without considering their families' and friends' feelings.
"Frisk... I think killing monsters is bad. There's no point to it..." Chara convinced me, trying not to sound desperate.
"..."
"Frisk, I know you have enough Determination, and you probably think you can do anything. I know you're bored, but... At least don't kill anyone out of boredom," Chara tried to convince me again, but failed.
I didn't even want to listen to any of it. I can do it. I must do it. I have to do it.
As soon as I walked past the Christmas tree, Monster Kid noticed my presence and greeted me with his annoyingly shrill voice, "Hey, there! Are you new here? I haven't seen you around here before."
"Uh... yeah. The name's Frisk," I held out my hand. It became awkward a few seconds after.
"Frisk, huh...?" Monster Kid repeated my name before explaining, "I'm sorry dude, but, I have no hands."
I ran my eyes across his appearance only to realise that he didn't have both arms. I pulled my hand slowly and blushed with a deep red. "Sorry, I didn't notice that..."
"It's alright!" Monster Kid said cheerfully. "So, you're a kid too, huh? I can tell because you're wearing a striped shirt, just like me!"
I smiled emptily. He guessed right on the spot. I did notice the stripes on his shirt, too. He could be around my age from what he had assumed about me. Chara only watched us having a small conversation since they can't talk to anyone, not to mention, I could call Chara my imaginary friend.
"Since you're new here, want to take a walk around Snowdin with me?" offered Monster Kid. Well, I had nothing else to do but to go with the same flow. It wouldn't hurt to hang out with someone a bit. "Sure!" I agreed.
I turned to Chara. I bet they were bored, as well. From their expression, I could tell that they wouldn't mind to walk with Monster Kid.
"Careful! You need to watch your step!" I cried half-screaming to Monster Kid who just fell on the ground. Well, on the snow, really. I rushed towards him and pulled him up.
"I... I'm sorry. I'm always this clumsy. Haha," Monster Kid smiled to me. "Thanks, though."
Seeing his radiant smile, I could only slightly smile back at him. I'm too tired to smile, anyway. We continued walking on the path across the town. We've seen the houses and different monsters, we've visited the shop. We stopped to look at the restaurant called "Grillby's". Its classic design gave an antique vibe to those who wanted to see the restaurant.
"This restaurant seems nice, huh..." I muttered quietly. "Brings back memories for me."
It certainly did. Who would forget the time Sans invited me to hang out at Grillby's in the previous timelines. And I never forgot when his ketchup spilled all over the meal I ordered. What a pity.
"Really?" Monster Kid looked deeply into my face. "You've been to Grillby's before?"
I nodded.
At that time, Monster Kid noticed that I wasn't smiling as much as he did. He sensed that I was bothered by something. He also noticed something, ghastly about my hands and my shirt. They were both covered in monsters' dusts. Dust? Why would there be dusts all over this kid?
'Could it be that...' Monster Kid thought to himself, but couldn't finish what he was thinking cause he was too surprised. He then realised it's not his place to assume it so he shook his head and decided to not think about it. Still, he was feeling concerned.
"Hey, Frisk?"
"Hm?"
"Are you okay? You don't seem to be happy at all. Is something bothering you?"
"..."
"I guess you don't want to talk about it..."
No, no. It's not that I don't want to talk about it. It's just... Okay, maybe you're right, Monster Kid. I don't want to talk about it. Rather, it's just so hard to open up to anyone about the situation I'm in, and I don't even know what's wrong with me anymore. I had this question I wanted to ask someone for so long, other than Chara of course, because they've always been with me and they should know what I'm feeling, but I didn't know why it's so hard to come out. It's like a pebble stuck in my throat and it's clogging my voice. But I tried my best to say it.
"Um.. hey... can I ask something?" I finally built up my courage.
"Yeah?" Monster Kid was ready to listen to me.
"Um... Well.. I... Okay. Let's say that you get lost in a certain world, and you need to find yourself a way to get out of there. Upon entering the world, you've had this ability where you can travel through time, but by this, I mean that you can only travel back in the past, not in the future. Okay, and then, you've befriended some people from that world and you eventually managed to let them leave the world with you, and even start a new life in your real home, the world where you first come from. But then, you get bored of it, and you travel back in time where you first came to the world. You do it again and again until you get completely bored, even though no one remembers you. Only you can remember the events that happened. But then, you decided it shouldn't always be this way. You start killing people, even the ones you love. And of course, you'd feel guilty. What would you do if you're stuck in that situation?"
I looked into Monster Kid who was too excited about something. I saw some sparks of amazement in his eyes.
"The ability to travel through time? That's so cool!" Monster Kid screamed in excitement.
I looked down to my boots. I guess he wasn't listening. I regretted it. Chara was not amused by Monster Kid's reaction, and was simply feeling disgusted of him. Chara wanted to punch him in his face, but they realised they might phase through him, so they decided to stay patient instead.
"Okay, okay. Sorry, Frisk," Monster Kid finally turned serious. "I'm sorry, friend, but honestly, I don't understand what you're talking about. I can't make it all out. But, if I were in that position, I think there's no point in killing people, really. Even if you get bored, why would you? After all, wouldn't it be better to enjoy your life with people you love and keep going down that path where everyone is happy, instead of just going back in time and do things differently? I mean, no matter how hard life can be, everyone deserves a happy ending, even if they don't think so. You just have to keep finding the happiness you're looking for, and enjoy yourself and those whom you love."
I got lost in my thoughts for a moment. Well, he's right. I should've just enjoyed the happy ending that I had obtained instead. I shouldn't have thrown it away like it was some sort of a useless trash. Maybe I should. I was just... Afraid that no one actually loved me. I didn't even think a random person, or monster would love this depressed child. Who would be, anyway? And I don't know if I'd be able to enjoy my life that is already hellish for me. But... No matter what, he's right. Even though I was a bit disappointed that he didn't understand properly, at least he had said something that relieved me a bit. It's alright, at least I felt a bit lighter in my chest when I finally talked to someone, even if it wasn't very detailed. He shouldn't know about what I've did, but being a child that he is, maybe he could comfort someone.
Eventually, Monster Kid and I had to part our ways. We said our goodbyes and finally ventured off to the place I should go. Before that, I needed a rest. I walked my way through the Waterfall and once again met Sans at his sentry.
"Hey, kid. I see that you're on a journey. Want to walk around Waterfall with me? There's something I want to ask you about," offered Sans. He hoped to hear an answer he needed.
I need to hang out with another monster again? But, he said he wanted to ask me something. I was already tired from the walking I had with Monster Kid. Reluctant, I agreed to go with him anyways.
"Sure, but do you mind if I take a rest first?" I asked.
"I don't mind. After all, I know a place to relax. Come with me," Sans offered me his hand.
I reached out and held his hand. He teleported us to somewhere in Waterfall that was calming and serene. We stumbled upon the turquoise-coloured river and sat at the edge of the black path. Sans even brought his telescope he left before the river.