Thanks for the reviews, you guys are awesome. For old readers, thanks for coming back. I like to think these changes are worthwhile. I was much younger when I started this, so I hope to make it a better story now that I'm older. Also for the oldies, there are two new chaps already written, after I finish the next repost it'll be all new stuff from now on. This chapter is not as radically different as the other chaps and insets, although significant changes have been made. As for my sentence fragments, that's just part of how I write. No excuse for spelling mishaps though. Sorry! Anyway, please enjoy.
Chapter 7
A Living Man
Worn black shoes, slightly scuffed at the toes.
Baggy linen, drawstring pants, equally black.
A dark blue, wife-beater T-shirt.
Wife beater…
Wife beater…
'I was more than a wife beater, worse.'
Wife killer…
Kenshin allowed his eyes to travel to his wrist, upon which a worn brown leather watch lay. It had stopped. It had probably stopped a decade ago. Amazingly, he could wear the same clothes he had worn at eighteen years old.
Why had he put the watch on? Why had he put any of these clothes on? These clothes were all he had, but it brought him back to a certain unwanted time, to a certain undesirable place. Kenshin closed his eyes and leaned back on the headrest.
Kaoru's car was nice. It smelled nice and this precious fact made him more than a little uncomfortable. It wasn't just the nice smell of her car that bothered him; it was the softness of the seat, the quiet of the drive, the smoothness of the street, the comfortable temperature of the car, and the music in the background.
Kenshin new he should be basking in this comfort. Shouldn't he be swimming in the perfection of it all, gasping with joy at this unlikely blessing? Kenshin grunted. Any normal man would. Kenshin knew he was far from normal. This fact did not necessarily bother him, however he was accustomed to living in harsh, abnormal situations. He was dangerously out of place in this car with Kaoru. Silently, he wondered at the normality of the government. They had unchained him, released him to the world.
Then there was Kaoru, a wonderful little girl he'd only know for a few weeks, and now he'd be living with her. She always rented out her basement. He would be doing what many others had done before him. Just sleeping in her basement. Why should he be any different than all her other boarders? Kenshin looked Kaoru up and down slowly. Her eyes were on the road. He noticed she sat very rigid in her car seat, her chair pulled up until her back was almost vertical. He narrowed his eyes slightly and frowned. He would not be paying rent initially. That was one little fact among many that made him quite different from all the previous occupants of the Kamiya basement.
Why was he so uneasy? She was the unsuspecting do-gooder letting a mysterious criminal move in with her, no matter how temporary. Aside from the fact that things happen, he should not have had any reason to fear her. If anything did happen, it would most likely be his fault. So what was the problem? Kaoru had taken a near constant residence in his thoughts as of late, and Kenshin was morbidly reminded of his extensive capability to obsess over things. In the past ten years he fixated on many things, replaying, and dissecting the thing until it became a part of himself. Swordsmanship and martial arts were his first obsession, followed closely by his need to protect, to serve. In prison he'd allowed his own bloody to consume his thoughts, along with a desire to achieve mental clarity. These two were at constant war with one another. It had been ten years since he obsessed over a mere woman. Kaoru seemed to be breaking that record down. He seemed to think about her, nearly as much as thought about freedom and his retribution.
That thought was very scary, and tremendously disconcerting. Kenshin sunk lower in his seat, a slight scowl gracing his lips as he wondered what he was getting himself into. Kenshin reasoned with himself that Kaoru was a real anomaly in his world of bars, steel and violence. It only made sense that he should fixate on her. No doubt he occupied a great deal of space in her thoughts. This fact alone was enough to make him wonder about her and why she choose to pursue him.
Kaoru was obviously nervous, maybe even scared, but taking him home nonetheless. He had fully expected to greet those barbed gates to the outside alone. Yet she was waiting for him. Standing out there, beyond the gates, smiling. Kenshin could not help shaking his head at the thought of her. He should let it all go.
"You're a damn fool. Free room, free eats, free companionship, and she's pretty too. I wish it came that easy for me." That's what Sano had said in reference to Kenshin's persistent anxiety over Kaoru. "Pussy on a platter." That's what Katsu had said, expecting to earn a hearty laugh and a clap on the back from himself and Sano. Instead he earned five digits in the gut. He had wanted to do more, but Sano was angry and losing his head over regulations. Kenshin almost regretted hitting Katsu so close to his parole, even though he had a sneaking suspicion that no matter what he did he would be released. Another strange phenomenon to worry over.
Had he over-reacted? Kenshin had to remind himself that sudden displays of violence where not an acceptable way to quell his temper as a free man. It is a lesson he'd thought he'd already learned. He was a fighter, and thus faced physical violence on a regular basis. However, he managed to avoid a great deal. Kenshin would never rise to bait as obvious as Katsu's comment. But then, all this time, he only had himself to protect. He only had his own name to defend (which meant nothing to him). Hearing Kaoru's name in conjunction with easy sex was just too much. Kaoru had been a mysterious angel and he was not ready for people to joke about her like that. Hitting Katsu felt so good. Kenshin smiled.
He glanced once again at Kaoru. She had relaxed a bit more and rolled her window down an inch. The cool wind blew a tendril of hair in her face, a few locks clinging to her mouth. He smiled as she pulled them out of her mouth and tucked them behind her ear. She was cute. What would she think of him if she had known what he'd done to Katsu? What would she do if she knew his thoughts had lingered on the implication of Katsu's words?
Out of the corner of her eye, Kaoru caught Kenshin's gaze. He had been staring at her off and on throughout the trip. Nervously, Kaoru giggled.
"What are you looking at Kenshin?"
Kenshin shifted his gaze back to his black shoes. His attitude was so wrong today. It was just too perfect. He could not help but wonder if she was gilded, if underneath her shine there lay some unknown danger. Why did this all seem so frighteningly familiar? A beautiful woman, possessing just what he needed, trying to help him…
"Kenshin, um…are you looking at me?" Kaoru glanced out of her side window then back at Kenshin, only to meet his narrowed violet gaze.
Once again, it dawned on Kenshin that maybe Kaoru was not who she said she was. Could this be some elaborate plan to get back at him for some past offence? She said her father had been Chief of Police and upon further thought, Kenshin realized he knew of her father. She had explained that her father was against what he had fought for and fiercely cleansed the police department of all hitokiri like him.
Kaoru cleared her throat. "Ahem"! It's really not fair to play 'who can stare the longest' when the other person is driving." A nervous laugh from Kaoru, a silent, piercing stare from Kenshin.
Those in favor of the very movement he had been a part of had murdered Kaoru's father. Dubbed the Affliction by lay people all the blood they had shed in the name of justice. And he was the vanguard of that chaotic justice. The antithesis of everything she and her father stood for. What were her true intentions? He needed to be guarded. Women had a power over him that even the most skilled and strongest of men did not. Something about the comfort of touch, the tenderness of an embrace, it melted him like butter.
Kaoru glued her eyes back to the road. A few minutes had passed and Kenshin still had not answered her and he was still staring.
"Kenshin! You're scaring me! What's wrong with you?"
Kenshin stared at her for another second, before a soft smile graced his lips. "I'm sorry." He replied before returning his gaze to his shoes.
"What were you looking at?"
"You know I was looking at you," Kenshin replied gently.
Kaoru blinked a few times, unsure how to reply to his statement. Maybe if he had looked enraptured she would have felt flattered, but he had looked the complete opposite, analytical even. Something about the intensity and length of his gaze had left her feeling…exposed.
"What did you see?"
"Nothing really."
Kaoru's mouth dropped. A little choked, she stammered, "Excuse me? I can stop this car and put you out right here."
Kenshin chuckled. His laugh was low and throaty telling her that he knew her threat was an empty one.
"Is that a threat?"
The confident drawl of his voice sent a strange combination of anger and excitement coursing through her body. She wanted to smack him for putting her in such a position and making her feel excited about it. Kaoru let her foot fall a little deeper on the gas pedal, her hands lifting a bit off the wheel.
"Apologize." Kaoru stated as she took her hands off the wheel.
""What for?"
The car was slowly asserting its independence, veering off track and out of the lane. When the car started hitting grass Kenshin's eyes widened slightly, inwardly amused by her antics.
A small smile formed on Kaoru's lips, as she gracefully took hold of the wheel again and steered the car back on course. "For insulting me."
Kenshin let out a breath.
"A little jumpy, are we?" Kaoru said as she observed Kenshin, happy to turn the table of nervousness back to him. At first his comment was a little hurtful, but she realized he must be nervous, it was his first day, in the real world. Perhaps the first time ever, that he could approach life with no fear. Kaoru wondered idly once again about this arrangement. Perhaps he still had family he could call on, even if he said that everyone he cared about was dead. Maybe there was just bad blood between them. If so, she would help him get over that. Kaoru looked at Kenshin again, wondering what would happen once they got home.
"You're crazy," Kenshin said, smiling at her. His expression was one of mild amusement and equal excitement. Kaoru smiled back.
'It's good to see him smile, if I can do that for him with my crazy antics, I think I'll stay insane.' She thought, as her smile grew more content.
Kenshin glanced out of the window. The world flew past, a wonderful mix of vibrant colors. The green of the grass, the blue of the sky, accented by white clouds and black road, all melded together, letting Kenshin know that they were speeding. It occurred to him that they were in a residential neighborhood as homes flew past, also a blur of color and people. Unless speed limits had changed, they were going entirely too fast for this neighborhood. Kaoru still looked perfectly content as she flew down the street.
Kenshin smiled again, Kaoru giggled.
"What?" They both sang in unison.
"Mou! You first."
"Nothing, it's just, I was enjoying the scenery, the part I can discern anyway."
"What? Oh!" Suddenly noticing her steadily increasing speed, she eased off the gas pedal.
"Oh, my neighborhood's not all that great."
Kenshin grunted. That had to be the understatement of the year. This neighborhood would easily be the most beautiful place he had ever lived in. But then he had always lived in the worst places, save for the classy pent houses he was given during his time as a hitokiri. Those places hardly mattered. At that time he was too covered in blood and politics to enjoy them.
Sakura trees lined both sides of her quiet street. A glistening lake could be seen just beyond the trees on one side, the other side occupied by large homes.
"Kaoru-san, do you really live around here?" Kenshin asked sheepishly. Part of him hoped she would say no, he might not know how to act in such a place. Her car was already making it obvious that he was dirty, out of place. He could only image how lovely her home would be.
"Yes, my home is just around the bend."
Kenshin shifted a little in his seat as they turned the corner. He was faced with a lovely Japanese style home, modest in size and design, yet daunting in its beauty. Some might have found it a bit old fashioned. From the outside it didn't appear to show any sign of modernization. It was flanked on either side by a small dojo and another small building. The grounds were vast and plush.
Kaoru pulled swiftly into a sleek drive. "Well, we're here Kenshin. We're home." Kaoru bounced out of the car, and began to make her way to the door. Kenshin followed her slowly, taking note of the flowers that lined the path to the door. Springtime was here, and weeds were beginning to spring up along with the tiny budding flowers. Kenshin wondered idly if Kaoru had planted those flowers herself. They were definitely in need of a manicure. The flowers were so pretty; they were pure white, streaked with red. Those weeds would certainly grow up and choke the life out of them; even now those hideous weeds were stealing nutrients from the lovely flowers. This took place underground. People often made the mistake of thinking weeds were harmless, until it was too late. Snow white and blood red... Kenshin knew that looks could be deceiving. The ground was just a covering, hiding dangerously strong roots. Those roots could suck the life out of the delicate flowers, before anyone knew what was happening.
"Kenshin?" Kaoru called. She stood in the doorway, holding it open for him. But he was still standing in the walk, staring at her flowers.
One needed to destroy the weed before it took root and destroyed the fragile beauties. Kenshin kneeled down and fingered one of the weeds. It was tangled with one of the little white flowers. He started to pull it up, but what was the point? All flowers would die anyway. Nothing could stay beautiful forever. All beautiful things were meant to die. It was destiny. All things would cease to be as they were in this world, beautiful or not. It was the same with people. No, it was worse. People die in agony and desperation. People shed blood.
Feeling a presence above him, a gentle hand on his shoulder, Kenshin looked up. Kaoru gazed down at him, a soft smile on her face, blue eyes twinkling. Her jet-black ponytail blew listlessly in the early spring breeze. Her face was slightly shaded, for she was blocking the sun. A few sunrays peeked at Kenshin through her hair.
"They've come early, right?" Kaoru's smile grew brighter as she kneeled beside Kenshin allowing her hand to stay on his shoulder.
Kenshin blinked a few times, as he watched Kaoru dip her face towards the flowers, her hair falling across her smooth, pale cheek.
"Huh?"
Kaoru looked up from the flowers and leaned into Kenshin. "The flowers silly. It's only April." Kaoru titled her head up to the sky. "April showers bring May flowers." She sang, as she sat down on the grass and began to pull up a flower. Kenshin watched her, his eyes widening slightly at the vision she created. She looked so lovely sitting there among her flowers. Her delicate fingers pulling on the plant, a gentle smile enhancing her soft pink lips. Kenshin almost felt guilty watching her, given his previous morbid thoughts. He felt like a weed beside her, as if his presence would ruin the perfection of it all. She continued to play with her plants, her silk blue ribbon dancing with the breeze. Her own lovely smell mixing with the fragrance of the flowers filled Kenshin's senses. Turning his eyes away from her, Kenshin fixed his eyes on the weeds. He wanted to get up. He didn't want to sit next to her, in a bed of flowers.
"Kenshin."
"Kenshin."
Kaoru was calling him. He turned towards her, keeping his eyes low. She was handing him a flower. The beauty of the situation was unreal to Kenshin. It felt like a wispy dream. A girl who wore ribbons in her hair… soft grass…the smell of flowers mixed with the sweetness of feminine touch, it was all proving too much for him. Not knowing what to feel or think, Kenshin swallowed hard and abruptly stood up.
"I, um, need to use the toilet."
Kaoru frowned a little, opened her mouth to speak then shut it. Kenshin's eyes were glued to the ground, his fingers twitching.
'I guess he really has to go.' Kaoru thought. It seemed that everything she did elicited a strange reaction from him. Maybe he would like the food she had prepared.
"Sure. Come inside." Kaoru said quietly as she gestured towards the house.
When they entered her home Kenshin simply stood in the doorway, staring. He wanted to move, but he could not make his feet obey. Her home was just as beautiful as he thought it would be. But it was not museum beautiful, that is, it was not filled with fragile, expensive things. Rather, her home was cozy and friendly, the décor distinctly Japanese with a modern flair. Kaoru turned over her shoulder and giggled at the blank expression on his face him. He's so cute.
"You need to go don't you?"
"Huh?"
"You said, you needed to use the restroom," Kaoru said shyly. "It's right through the kitchen to your left."
"Oh, um, thank you." Kenshin said, with a slight bow he hurried off to the bathroom. Kaoru smiled a little as she went to the fridge, pulling out the sushi rolls she had prepared. She wished she had asked what he liked, not that it would have mattered. Her cooking wasn't that versatile. Simple sushi rolls were the one great thing she could do well. Kaoru took great care in designing the platter of sushi, arranging the various rolls and relishes into lovely patterns. It was late Saturday afternoon, approaching evening. After they ate, perhaps they should go shopping. All Kenshin had to wear were the clothes on his back. Plus she would need to find out what food he liked for tomorrow's celebration dinner. Kaoru knew that Kenshin was nervous and uncomfortable. She had planned a little dinner with Sano, Megumi and herself hoping it would relax him a little. He would probably like to have a bath. Did they have baths in prison? Maybe they could all go to a bathhouse after dinner tomorrow. Then maybe a little karaoke. As Kaoru mulled over her thoughts, she wondered what was taking Kenshin so long.
"Kenshin! What are you doing? Are you taking a dump?" Kaoru screamed, becoming impatient.
A muffled "oro" and Kenshin stumbled out of the bathroom, breaking from his latest daze.
"Are you okay?"
"Oh, uh, yes Kaoru san, I-I'm okay."
Kaoru looked at him quizzically for a second, as she noticed him wiping his hands on his pants.
"Did you wash your hands? We are about to eat." Kaoru gestured towards the platter of sushi on the table.
"Oro"
Shaking her head, Kaoru walked over to the sink. "You're so cute."
Kenshin's cheeks grew a little red as he began to stumble over his words. Kaoru thought she heard something like a cross between "thank you" "I'm sorry" and "oro", before Kenshin gave up and sat down, carefully folding his hands in his lap.
'And I thought I was nervous.' Kaoru thought.
"Kaoru-san?"
"Hmm?"
"I…I washed my hands, there was just nothing to wipe my hands on."
Kaoru nodded her head slightly in acknowledgement, as she washed out a few dishes for the two of them. She hated housework. She just wished that she had done the dishes before she left. Kenshin must be starving.
Kenshin twiddled his thumbs. The room had grown silent, save for the sound of water swishing against dishes. Kenshin glanced back at Kaoru. She had tilted her head to the side, and began to hum a tune. He allowed his eyes to trail over her slim figure. She wore a snug pink pullover and light flare jeans, her ponytail reaching just past her waist. His attention was drawn lower as Kaoru lifted one small foot up to scratch the back of her other leg. The movement was so small and subtle, yet it intrigued Kenshin immensely. Her ankles looked delicate. Kaoru was a small person, he knew he was short for a man, but Kaoru could not have been more than five feet tall. He had not really noticed before, how petite she was, she'd always carried herself with such attitude. She was washing the dishes very slowly. Kenshin wondered how much she weighed and how light she would feel if he lifted her.
Kaoru shifted her weight again. Why did she have this need to impress Kenshin? If it had just been her, she would have left the dishes alone. It had been a few days since she had really cleaned up. Kenshin was probably appalled by her lack of cleanliness. 'That's what took him so long in the bathroom, he was marveling at the mess.'
Finally Kaoru finished the dishes and brought them to the table, setting a plate and a pair of chopsticks in front of Kenshin. Kaoru watched with satisfaction as Kenshin began to eat. He didn't grimace. Nobody really grimaced when she made sushi, but nevertheless, Kaoru still harbored the fear that her one great talent in food preparation would leave her one day without warning. Relaxing as he continued to eat, Kaoru began to eat as well, not noticing the dark expression that began to cover Kenshin's face.
Kenshin forced the delicious morsels down his throat. The taste was exquisite.
Yesterday afternoon he was surrounded by other prisoners, eating a strange imitation of food in a grimy cafeteria. Yesterday evening, he showered with twenty other men and slept on a hard, slightly damp, lumpy futon. He had used the bathroom in the middle of the night, the sound of his urine echoing in the halls. He had run out of soap and tissue days before. The toiletries department never heeded requests for more; it was their custom to make you wait. Today, he was eating tasty sushi, in a comfy house, with a beautiful girl who kept soap in her bathroom and made sure he washed his hands before eating. No doubt she would offer him a bath, and by the looks of her house, Kenshin could infer that her futons would feel like heaven.
"Kenshin?" Kaoru wanted to smack herself for sounding like a broken record. All afternoon, it seemed she had only been calling his name, trying to keep him from falling into the distance. Perhaps she should just let him be. It was his first day in the real world again. He would need time. But he was just sitting there, staring at the plate with an unreadable expression on his face. Maybe he was tired. Maybe they should post-pone their shopping trip until tomorrow. She could give him a yukata to sleep in, while she washed his clothes.
"Kenshin?" All this time thinking and he still had not answered. Kaoru wondered if he'd heard her and just refused to answer. Whatever his reasons, it was getting on her nerves. But what should she expect? He was still staring at his plate, unmoving. A slight fear snaked through Kaoru as the idea that Kenshin was more dysfunctional than she. Reminding herself that all this was to be expected, she tried again.
"Um, Kenshin, I was thinking…you'll need clothes, so we can go shopping today, if you want." Glancing at him, she saw his hard expression had not really changed, except he was looking at her, blankly. Was he listening, or did he just shift the direction of his glare?
"Perhaps you would like a bath?"
Kenshin swallowed and shifted his eyes away from her. She was so nice, too nice. All of this was a mistake. He could hardly believe he was listening to this. Turning away from her, Kenshin ran his fingers through his hair, exasperated. He could not stay here.
"I'll make a bath for you. Do you like bubble bath?" Kaoru said with a smile as she stood and gathered the plates. His eyes trailed her to the sink. When she turned to face him once again, he locked eyes with her. Could he really turn down this free gift? Perhaps he would give it more time.
"That would be nice."
"Great, I'll go run it for you."
"Actually, that won't be necessary. I'd like to rest a little first. I'll take it after that."
Kaoru sat down, her happiness at finally having something to do flying away. He was doing it again, sitting with his head down, shoulders stiff and hunched.
"Please don't be sad." Kaoru said as she moved to touch him. He looked so pitiful sitting across from her. Kaoru knew how it felt to be lost and confused. She didn't want his first day as a free man to be ruined by morbid feelings.
"Don't be upset. You're free-"
"Stop." Kenshin brusquely brushed her fingers away from his face. Instantly hurt and confused, Kaoru backed away. What had she done wrong? She started to speak, unwilling to endure another long bout of morose silence, but was interrupted as Kenshin curtly spoke, "I'm sorry. I will go now." Kenshin stood abruptly and moved towards the door.
"Wait. Where are you going?"
"I should leave. This can't work."
Kaoru crossed her arms. This was starting to make her angry.
"Just wait a minute. Can we talk for a second?"
Kenshin stopped, his back to her. Kaoru struggled to think of something to say. She had not actually expected him to stop without a fight.
Talking to Kaoru was the last thing he wanted to do. Although it was quite therapeutic, every time he "talked" to her he ended up revealing a lot more than he intended. She was moving him, affecting him. He was not ready to be moved. He found he opened up parts of himself to her that should have stayed closed.
"So that's it? You're just going?"
Kenshin nodded slowly.
Reading his face, Kaoru countered, "You know you'd be stupid not to stay here. I don't know why you're acting liking this. You shouldn't feel bad about staying here." Kaoru crossed in front of him and stood in front of the door, blocking the exit and folding her arms over her chest.
Did she actually think she could stop him if he wanted to go? He couldn't stifle a small grin at that.
"Ms. Kamiya."
"Stop calling me Ms. Kamiya. We're friends, and you're an idiot. I'll be blunt. You're freaked out by all this. I know. But don't be so stupid. What are you going to do? Walk to wherever it is you're going? Honestly, get your head on straight first. Just chill here until you get on your feet. What's the big deal?"
'What's the big deal? I don't myself in this place. My head isn't straight, I can't remember the last time it was. I don't want you to be a part of that. But still…'
"It was a big deal, but she was right about one thing. He was an idiot.
Kenshin sat in the bath, staring up at the ceiling. It was pure white. The porcelain tub was also white, although not as pure. Kenshin sank lower in the tub. The steaming water felt better than wonderful against his skin.
This was his second bath that night. The first time was good, and then he had attempted to sleep. That proved to be a futile effort. Wearily he had gone back to the bathroom, hoping to relax himself a little more. The heat of the water was quite addictive. He had forgotten that his muscles could feel so nice.
Relaxed. He had been so uptight with Kaoru earlier that day. Honestly, she was good. He should have been on his hands and knees thanking her for opening her home to him, instead he had given her his backside. The reasons for his behavior had eluded him for hours, as he lay on the futon she had given him, trying to figure it all out. After some time he came to the uneasy realization that he was simply afraid.
Fear was something he had always balked at. It simply did not have a place in his life. Yet here he was, afraid to be out in the world again, afraid of his own mind. He was afraid that this release was just a new opportunity to ruin his life all over again, and possibly the lives of others. He never went down alone. At that, his thoughts drifted back to Kaoru. Could he actually start over? Build a normal life? He was born and bred in violence; a delinquent, high school drop out and killer by age fifteen. What could he possibly contribute to the world?
Kenshin sank under the water. At times like this, he felt it would be so much easier just to embrace the deepest silence possible and let himself fade into the darkness…
Banishing the thought Kenshin regretfully sat up once again. He would need a thousand hands to count the number of people who died for him or because of him. Some in body, others in spirit. It would be too easy and all too wonderful to let himself go like that. Kenshin took several deep breaths, concentrating on forcing the suicidal thoughts away. He would not think on those things now. Kaoru had once said that she believed there wasn't a person who could not be saved. Could he be saved? Maybe if he changed into a different being, maybe if Himura Kenshin wasn't here at all…
Closing his eyes, Kenshin slowly trailed his hands up his arms to massage his shoulders. Closing his eyes, he let out a deep sigh, enjoying the feel of his administrations. The soft patter of rain could be heard outside, bringing back memories of another bath…so many years ago, shared with another person. The tub was not quite as comfortable. Actually, it was barely acceptable. Kenshin smiled ruefully, some of his fondest memories of Tomoe were from the times that they lived in squalor. On the run from the world, they darted from motel to motel, until it all ended, on a hot day in Hakone. Nature always reminded him of her. It was one of the first things, she taught him to appreciate. It was through her that he embraced the beauty and majesty of the earth.
Beauty…
All this time he had been raking his brains in fear, his eyes had been closed to the wonder around him. He had been blessed with the gift of life once again, and here he was squandering it. But he had not asked for this. Blessings were not meant for demons. Rising out of the tub, Kenshin dried his body then wrapped himself in the small yukata, Kaoru provided. Not bothering to tie his dripping hair Kenshin made his way up stairs, passing a sleeping Kaoru on the couch. Music videos played in the background, though Kaoru was oblivious, her head hanging back just enough to cause her mouth to gap open. She was dressed in a pair of yellow cotton pajama pants and a small pink baby tee. Her high ponytail was traded for a thick, long braid, nearly reaching her hips. The cordless phone was in her hand and a bowl of unfinished cereal sat on the table in front of her. Kenshin quietly tiptoed towards her, slipping the phone out of her hands and grabbing the bowl of cereal. He wanted to scoop her up and put her in bed. She might have cramps in the morning if she slept on the couch, not to mention the way her head was cocked back. Kenshin moved to pick her up then thought better of it. She might wake up, and the last thing he wanted was for her to catch him wrapping his arms around her body, attempting to carry her off. She just might get the wrong idea. Perhaps he could wake her, but no, she looked too peaceful. Plus she might think he was watching her. He was watching her, but no need for her to know that. Better to just leave her be.
After a brief quiet search, Kenshin put the objects in their respective places, before stepping out onto the back porch to watch the rainfall from under the awning.
The world seemed vast and beautiful. It was only her back yard, but it was still entirely beautiful. Kaoru's grounds were not necessarily impressive, but Kenshin felt the wanderlust of a newborn man. The sky was filled with dark clouds, pouring rain. The night air was cool, and a wind had picked up. Kenshin closed his eyes and bowed his head. It had been years since he had been so free and close to rain. If he wanted to, he could step right out in it. He could dance in it. Kenshin reached a tentative hand out to feel the cool droplets of water. The rain fell steadily, almost rhythmic in quality. A song was in his ears, faint and sweet. It was all so perfect, yet he still felt incomplete. Was this even real? As a prisoner, he had been an outsider looking in on the rest of the world through television and books. Even before he was incarcerated, it seemed as if his world was a cocoon of confusion and desire, keeping him trapped inside. Even now he could almost see a row of black iron bars in front of him. The song grew stronger.
"I sing for joy at the works of your hands," A melodious voice sang.
It was Kaoru. She was standing next to him singing. One delicate hand stretched forth to feel the rain, the other holding a small leather bound book. He didn't say anything, mildly disappointed in himself for not noticing her presence.
"Don't feel bad," she remarked quietly. "I purposely quieted myself. I didn't want to disturb you."
"Then why are you here?"
"I just wanted to read you something." Ignoring his curtness, Kaoru tilted the book a little to show him.
"The Bible?" Kenshin's eyes widened slightly. Great. Just when he was coming to terms with his already existent fears. All he needed now was another reminder that he would spend eternity burning in Hell.
Noting the annoyance in his eyes, Kaoru put the book down.
"It's not all Hell and damnation you know. There's some good things in there, that have helped me a lot in hard times."
"You really read that?"
"Yeah, I even go to church sometimes too."
Kenshin remained silent, his expression unreadable. Kaoru grimaced slightly. She was only half sleep when he came down the stairs and stood beside her. She could sense him watching her. He had been tense. She could sense he was waiting to do something to her. But then he had simply straightened out her mess. After saying a quick prayer, she followed him, observing his expression. He looked the way he did in prison when he confessed to her, only worse. It was worse because this time he was free. He did not have to be afraid anymore. Then she remembered the root of his problem: guilt. She knew Kenshin had many other dark secrets he had not shared with her, but guilt, regret and fear seemed to overshadow their last conversation. Kaoru knew from experience how strong those emotions could be. She painfully remembered an incident not too long ago, with another man, one that caused her to be over-taken by those same emotions. She had felt so much regret, and guilt, she had considered taking her own life. But that was in the past. She had not missed that look in Kenshin's eyes when he attempted to leave earlier. She knew that look all too well. She had seen it in her own eyes.
"So, what do you want read me?" Kenshin asked, becoming unnerved by her silence. He had snapped at her again, and he hoped she would not be too upset with him.
Kaoru held up a single finger. "But this one thing I do: forgetting those things that are behind, and reaching forth to those things which are before, I press toward the mark-"
"Are you telling me to forget my past? I am reminded every time I look in the mirror," Kenshin interrupted.
"Your scar?"
"Even if I did not have this scar, those days are burned on my heart. It would be a crime to forget," Kenshin's voice was stern, hard.
"You're so stubborn. Or maybe you're just an idiot," Kaoru said quietly as she stepped out into the rain. Kenshin seemed determined to remain miserable or maybe he just wanted to be alone. Regardless, Kaoru decided she didn't like either option. She turned and looked at him, her face just as hard as his.
Kenshin coldly stared her down. Kaoru refused blink, even as the rain beat down on her face.
Finally, Kenshin broke the silence, his voice carrying a gentler tone. "You do not understand Kaoru. I do not wish to explain."
Kaoru stood for a moment. "Hand me that book."
Kenshin tossed her the bible; she caught it gracefully and flipped it open to a bookmarked page.
"As for man, his days are as grass: as a flower of the field, so he flourisheth. The wind passeth over it, and it is gone, and the place thereof shall know it no more." Kaoru closed the book and stepped to him.
"I don't know, and I won't pretend to understand all that's happened in your life or what's going on with you. But I know that life is short, and you've already spent too much of it in a cage."
Kenshin stared down at his feet. What she was true. He had spent a decade in prison, for the crimes of his youth. During the Affliction he was never free. He could barely remember how free life was before it was taken away from him.
How had it escaped him? The preciousness of life? Ironically, Kenshin had always been highly aware of the fragility of life. He knew people could die at any moment. He was so constantly aware of this that he failed to recognize the strength of life.
In just a moment of time he could experience the world. But what had he done with his chance to live? He had spent his time taking the lives of others, snuffing out their precious experiences and dreams, all to create peace and freedom. But can peace and freedom really be accomplished by such means? Before he could dip further into his this train of thought he was interrupted by Kaoru's softly commanding voice.
"Come here."
He slowly obeyed, moving to stand close before her. Kaoru gripped his shoulders and began to press him down. He was confused, but he didn't resist as she slowly pushed him to the ground. She joined him on the muddy earth, and pulled up a handful of grass and mud.
"Feel this."
Kenshin eyed her tentatively then pushed his hand against hers, and she locked her fingers with his, the mud sliding between their hands.
"This Earth, this world, is God's gift to us. Embrace this creation."
For a moment they sat, watching each other. "I don't think I really believe in god."
"That's alright. God believes in you. I believe in you." Kaoru squeezed his hand a little tighter. Then she spoke, her voice barely above a whisper. "In this moment, we are both alive. You can feel both pleasure and pain. One is inevitable, the other is a choice."
'A difficult choice.' It had been so difficult, he never even tried to make that choice. That precious thing, that wonderful feeling was always beyond his grasp. He had felt it, in fleeting moments, but never in its purest form, freedom from constant fear and regret. Even now, he felt that pulling in his heart, that deep gnawing in his soul for happiness. But this time he would reach for it. Reach for that thing, that wonderful peace, despite his horrible past and uncertain future. He would reach.
Kenshin turned to Kaoru once again. He had an uncanny knack for getting too caught up in the issues of his life, so much so that he often missed the gifts.
"Kaoru, I don't understand why you — why are you doing this for me?
"Greater love hath no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. I've hardly laid down my life, so I'll say this isn't much."
She was looking away from him, the moonlight shining on her skin.
Kaoru slapped him on the shoulder before standing to go inside, pausing at the door when he did not follow.
"You coming?"
"Of course, but I think I'll stay here for a moment."
Her backyard stretched before him, an endless see of color and darkness. The various stones that accented her unkempt garden were slick and shiny, practically glowing in the moonlight.
'Choice.'
The need to explore, to see more of his world, moved Kenshin to standing. In moments he was heading for the street.
Kenshin walked slowly down the road, it was if…as if he were in slow motion. The knowledge of his human authority within this sphere called Earth began to flood into him. What had he done with that authority? The blessed ability to choose? The wind blew and swirled around him, his wet hair blowing against his face. He walked on, his shoes soaked from the rain.
He must be a sight, a scarred man walking around in the middle of the night, in a practical haze. Clad only in a small yukata, and a pair of busted ten-year-old shoes, soaked from head to toe. Kenshin laughed, despite himself. It didn't matter. Nobody was around to see him. Nothing mattered. He was alive and free.
Kenshin blinked. A single raindrop fell into his eye. He searched himself. He had often run from his own heart, fearful of what he might find. But this time he needed to know himself. He had to face himself if he were to move forward. Closing his eyes, he was assaulted by words, images, and feelings from his past. His heart began to beat faster as his life ran through his head at a thousand miles an hour.
His parents…murder and poverty
Brother and sister…drugs and money
Hiko…strength, alcohol and pain.
The Affliction…anger and vengeance.
The ferocious love he had for Tomoe…fragile and violent.
Kenshin took a deep breath and stumbled. All his life he had kept moving, in pursuit of strength, needing a cause, living so fast he killed himself in the process.
Kenshin was not aware of how far he had walked. Nearing the creak on the other side of Kaoru's street, Kenshin stumbled over to the grassy bank. The realization of his world hit him hard. So much experience, both terrible and beautiful, the knowledge of it all was too much for him. He had never faced it all at once. Above it all the sacrifices prevailed.
"Mother, Father, sister, brother, Tomoe." They were dead and he was not.
They were dead and he was not. He was a breathing man.
A living man.
Kenshin stumbled and allowed himself to fall into the wet grass, cherishing the wetness. Cherishing the wind blowing, and the increasing steady flow of rain. It was too wonderful to attain. Kenshin knelt in the grass and brushed his face across the wet green strands. These things were alive. Kenshin lay down and rolled in the grass, delighting in the feel of the wet earth against his body.
"Don't ever stop." Kenshin gasped. He looked up to the sky, spreading his arms. Embrace. Embrace this creation. Whatever Kaoru was talking about, it was true. Nature was beautiful and sinless, an artist's design, invading him with its resplendence. He wanted to feel more of it, more of this precious freedom that he had really never had.
With Tomoe he had come close, she had allowed him to see the world with new eyes, and in a sense that set him free; but their relationship was bred in a world of bloody insanity. Even after she revealed truth to him, they remained wrapped in violence. That was what held them together in their chaotic world, mutual thirst for that necessary fluid that coursed through veins, sustaining life. They were both twisted, but together they found love and a strange type of release. It was morbid and exquisite. But that type of love was dangerous an ultimately lead to her death and his…what had it lead him to? Kenshin didn't know, but he would find it.
He would find his answer in this beautiful, terrible Earth. He was alive.
"I'm alive." Kenshin arched his back, wanted to feel more of the rain. He pulled himself to his knees and freed himself of the yukata. Kenshin ran his hands recklessly across his body, marveling at the feel of his own skin, grinning incessantly. He lay down again, rolling in the grass, stopping occasionally to marvel at a single blade, or a stray flower.
Whatever happened tomorrow he really did not care. If he died tonight, next week or tomorrow it still would not matter. If he scared the heaven out of Kaoru when or if she got to know the real him didn't matter, the presence watching him in the bushes didn't matter.
'Focus.' Kenshin stopped, his lax body, instantly tensing. Pulling his face out the grass, he peered into the darkness, eyes narrowing. Presence in the bushes? For a brief moment, he had felt a strange, yet familiar presence watching him. Kenshin closed his eyes and tried to gather his senses. Nothing.
Was it all just a figment of his paranoid imagination? A result of his current strange state of mind? Or was it just some innocent passerby shocked to witness the spectacle he had created.
Kenshin looked down at himself, his cheeks beginning to burn at the thought that another human being, hostile or not had seen him rolling around naked in the grass like an animal. Kenshin shrugged his shoulders and brushed some of the rain out of his eyes. It was really coming down now.
Perhaps he was being irrational. It was probably nothing. His senses were a bit over-worked. Kenshin stood and flexed, tossed his head back and opened his mouth, letting the rain fall in. Whatever the case, he was a free man, with a second chance to actually make something of his life and do something worthwhile.
Anybody try something, he'd be ready. He would gladly break any man down that moved to steal this freedom from him. It was creeping up his spine, the coldness required to break a man. There need not be a body present to provoke that spirit. It all began in the mind.
Kenshin pushed the thoughts away, desiring not to ruin his mood with such steely coldness. It had a persistent habit of creeping up on him with the slightest thing.
Coming down from his trip, Kenshin pulled the drenched yukata around his body. The afterglow of his revelations fading, only to be replaced by the thought of Kaoru welcoming him inside. She'd be standing in the rain, soaked from head to toe. Jet-black hair plastered to her face, soaking wet clothes clinging sensually to every curve of her sweet body. If Kaoru's god were real he certainly deserved to be thanked for the precious gift of women.
It was a purebred miracle. The vilest man in all of Japan would be living with the world's most heavenly angel. She was too wonderful to comprehend. Fierce, ribbon wearing, flower picking lark by day — wisdom kicking goddess by night. His senses were kicking in over-drive. His basic needs, both physical and mental awakening and jumping at the implication of all that she offered.
Kaoru snuggled under her plush yellow comforter, enjoying the warmth. Although she was dead tired, sleep would not come. Kenshin was still out, and she could not imagine what he was up to. She had made tea, and waited, but after thirty minutes he was still gone. Then she had looked for him, searching all of her grounds, getting herself all wet again in the process. He was nowhere to be seen. After an hour worry set in. Where could he have gone? What was he doing? She was afraid for him, afraid that he would do something crazy like jump in front of a car, or drown himself in the creak. It happened from time to time, hopeless, maladjusted prisoners, committing suicide upon release. Yet, he had seemed at an uneasy peace when she left him, and the confidence in his voice….
It had been over an hour. Kaoru closed her eyes and tried to sleep once again. She had washed his clothes and laid them out for him along with a larger robe. If he had run off half-naked in the middle of the night, then he really was crazy. Therefore, she would be better off without him. Then she heard a noise, the back door sliding open.
It was him. Kaoru wondered if she should try to fake sleep first or if she should throttle him immediately. Deciding to wait until morning when she had enough energy to do a good job, Kaoru settled herself in the sofa. She heard him take the clothes and move away. He was certainly dripping water all over her floor right now. Kaoru had already mopped up her own mess and did not feel like getting up to clean up his.
She would get him good in the morning. 'He comes in at the crack of dawn, he drips all over my floor and if he thought I didn't see him ogling me in the rain, he must be the biggest fool alive.' Kaoru blushed slightly, it was her own fault for walking into the rain wearing a baby tee, but then she had been too busy trying to talk sense into him.
Plus she was ogling him too. Kaoru grinned inside as certain pleasurable thoughts of a wet redhead filtered through her mind. Kenshin standing in the rain, his crimson hair darkened by the rain, dropping to his slender waist. The rippling, lean muscle of his legs, revealed to her by the shortness of the robe. Certain alluring body parts accented by the clinging fabric. 'None of my boyfriends were ever that sculpted.' Kaoru thought as she drifted off to sleep.
Tonight sleep would not be easy. After an hour of half-sleep, Kenshin got out of bed. With nothing to do, He idly walked back upstairs, maybe if he could just look at her just one last time before he went back to bed… Kenshin crept to the sofa quietly until he was standing over her.
'She smiles even in her sleep. I wonder what she's dreaming about.' Kenshin looked down at her dreamy face longingly. His longing was only slightly for her; it was more for the apparent peace she had in sleep. Rest for him was usually anything but peaceful.
Feeling a presence above her Kaoru opened sleepy eyes, only to be startled by Kenshin's concentrated gaze.
"K-Kenshin!" she stuttered.
"S-sorry, I did not mean to wake you."
"Oh, well… did you want something?"
Kenshin just stood there for a few long moments blushing.
"What you can't sleep? Do you want to sleep here with me? You poor baby." Kaoru teased sleepily.
"With you?"
Ignoring his confused expression, Kaoru moved over making room for him.
"I was joking you idiot. But why not?" Turning over, her back to him, Kaoru reached back and lifted the covers for him.
"Stop being so scared. Just get in." Quietly, carefully, Kenshin slipped under the cover and settled himself next to her.
Thanks until next time.