Time: Imminent spring, OotP.

Chapter 7: Chocolate Espresso Challenge

I've found I'm scared to know

I'm always on your mind

Spring was coming. Wet, rainy weather had taken hold of London's winter skies, turning the days gray and pushing buds through the soil, one by one. Tonks was sure if she sat by the flowerbeds of her apartment windows for more than an hour, she would be able to see the blooming of at least one flower, because every night she came home, there seemed to be fifty more roots sprouting up, fighting the other buds for space and soil.

Unfortunately, she thought bitterly, time is not something I've had in excess lately. Puddles splashed up around her feet, soaking the ankles of her robes straight through and sloshing over her muggle sneakers. She waved her wand at the wet clothes and they dried instantly. She flicked it again, and black boots replaced the dripping sneakers. There was an Order meeting, she knew, but she was impossibly late. Still, she trudged through the dark, damp London streets, making her way to Grimmauld Place.

Kingsley had set so much paperwork upon her that morning she almost thought to check and see if all the other Aurors had quit, and she was meant to do the work for all of them. They hadn't. The rest, it seemed, had better, more interesting work to do. Field work. She had moaned endlessly to herself when she realized she had no cause to complain. Much of the work appeared to be information concerning the whereabouts of a certain Sirius Black, which she supposed Dumbledore didn't want many people to work with. She was the one who had decided to join the Order. This was her doing, and she would take responsibility.

'Course, she never regretted joining the fight… just resented the workload that had been dumped solely on her, Kingsley, and Mad-Eye lately. Apparently, they were the only three Aurors who had full authority to check out Black's case. She exhaled through her nose and continued stomping through the black alleyways.

Now that she was close enough to the end of the side street, she glanced around surreptitiously to affirm the absence of any Muggle spectators. Tonks closed her eyes and Apparated directly onto the top step of a familiar, grim looking house. She raised a fist to pound on the door, listening for signals of life from inside.

xxxxx

"Terminal tardiness. That's what you have." She grumbled her consent; this was the third meeting in the past month that she had been late for. Remus tapped his chin, obviously thinking, as he set the coffeepot on the machine and smacked it violently with his wand.

"You're working a Muggle machine with a wand? And you've set it up in Sirius' house, of all places? That's a recipe for disaster."

"He's not allowed to touch it."

"Ahhh." She smiled reflexively as he flashed her a cheeky grin.

"Dora, have you any idea what time it is?"

She banged her head repeatedly against the wall. "No. I don't have a bloody clue. I am disinclined to believe I give a damn, either. Kingsley and I have been worked to bone these past months. Haven't slept for at least a week. Ever since the search for Sirius picked up with Lucius' tip, the Minister has been dead set on finding him. I'm sure he believes if he can just pin it all on Padfoot, there won't be a problem with all of 'Dumbledore's silly power-crazed old rubbish'. He thinks it'll clear up all confusion and speculation about You-Know-Who's return, and no one shall ever dare to doubt his authority again." She puffed out her chest at her last words, and turned her skin an exact shade of lime green to match Fudge's ever-present bowler.

He chuckled involuntarily and grinned again.

Why can't I get rid of that lunatic smile on my face? What is wrong with you? You may not look at her like that. Stop it! Stop! You cannot feel these things. Are those butterflies in your stomach? Oh my bloody freaking god, they are. What are you, twelve? How can you allow butterflies to enter your stomach?

Shut up.

Seriously, wipe that bloody grin off your face.

But she's so…

Stop that! Stop it right now!

But…

NO! Where are you going? Where exactly do you think you are going, young man?

I'm thirty-seven. Please.

Meanwhile, in some other far away part of his undoubtedly useless mind, he was wondering why the voices in his head sounded so much like Sirius and James having one of their "friendly discussions".

Tonks, blissfully unaware of Remus' internal struggle with his higher senses, started bouncing around in her seat, looking undeniably young and adorable. His left foot took one step towards her, then his right. Quick backtrack. Left foot forward… and back. Right foot inching in her direction, snatch it back. ARGH! He finally managed a step forward, and then promptly jumped five feet in the air when a canon shot off behind him. Tonks froze.

"What was that?" she asked shakily as Remus turned to the counter.

"Coffee's done," he sighed.

She blew out an exasperated breath, causing her thick pink fringe to flutter about her forehead.

"Does it have be so loud? I have a major headache going on here."

"I don't doubt it. It's three in the morning and you haven't slept all week, right?"

Remus measured creamer into the coffee and tossed the spoon in the sink. It clattered loudly against the pile of dishes and he turned to see Tonks' eyes popping out of her head. Literally. He yelped and almost spilled the coffee everywhere.

"Scary," he mumbled unintelligibly, "Bloody Metamorphagus. Frightening, absurd young woman."

She took the mug from him with a grimace, taking care to slop half it over the side.

"Three? Really?"

He nodded and took a long drink. The hot liquid burned down his welcoming throat.

Nymphadora stared into her mug. She swirled it around, letting the steam rise and fill her nose and mouth with all the hazelnut ground goodness. She breathed deeply, and released. Breathe in. Breathe out. It was like a healing potion. She closed her eyes in satisfaction and took a sip.

Remus watched, utterly bewitched by her unbounded emotion. She put so much of herself into everything; from love, to work, to simple relaxation. It was … spellbinding, for lack of a better word, how much the woman could give. Give, and give, and never need anything in return.

"Been living on nothing but chocolate and coffee for the past two days." She glanced at the cup in her hands, noticing something. "But I thought you were a tea drinker?"

He winced. It wasn't that he knew her too well. Not too much tenderness. Not that he was sure that at this time, in this place, in this state of mind, this is what she would to have. He surprised himself. Yes, he definitely didn't put that much thought into it. He muttered incomprehensibly about "not in the mood… once in a while… developed a liking…"

Her violet eyes twinkled at him from under her shocking pink fringe.

"Thanks," she murmured softly, leaning over to kiss him lingeringly on the cheek. That put an abrupt halt to his incoherent rambling.

Tonks sat back and pulled out a bar of Dascester Belgium Chocolate and broke it in halves, handing part of it to him, "I guess I'm just a chocolate espresso kind of girl, yeah?"

"Yeah," Remus looked at her thoughtfully, nibbling on the chocolate made especially by elves to compliment some special wine, also of their making, he wasn't sure which.

A pale neck arched, and she rested her bubblegum pink head against the faded wood wall, placing her empty mug back on the ancient table. She was relaxed. And happy. Finally. Questioning why she only reached this state of serenity at Order meetings, she opened one closed eye blearily, peering at the fascinating man before her. He was studying his chocolate intensely. He licked melted chocolate off one of his fingers and she shivered, snapping her eye shut again. He didn't even know she was looking at him! How could he know. Why was that… Why was he…

What? WHAT?

That was not seductive. That was not sexy. That was not suggestive. Or charming. Or cute. That was NOT - in any way - attractive. Huh.

Well, why was it so bloody hot, then?

Merlin.

"I love you," she said bluntly.

Remus' grey eyes widened. His jaw dropped (and shut quickly again when he realized there was still chocolate in his mouth). He swallowed.

Tonks looked at him expectantly. He stared back.

"Wh-" he cleared his throat. "Wha… I mean, WHAT?"

Come on, Remus, you're an adult. You can handle this. You're not in love. I bet she isn't, either. Not for real. Right?

Her laugh sounded like bells. He melted. Okay, maybe you can't handle this.

"I've told you that before."

"Wha—yeah. Yeah. Right. It's nothing. Sorry." He was stuttering. Spluttering. Tripping over words. Like always. Whenever he was with her.

What the hell were you thinking? Of course she didn't mean it like that. Not Dora. Not someone like her.

She smiled, but there was a trace of something else in there, and the joy didn't quite reach her eyes. Remus decided he hated that smile. He wanted her every bit as happy as she always was. Energetic, playful, and always full of life.

But she gave him that twisted smile, and brushed through his hair with her fingers, bending over the table again. "No. That's not it. It does not mean 'nothing'."

He just sat motionless, completely mesmerized by the lovely Miss Nymphadora.

"It means something. And maybe quite a lot of something. Maybe at some point, this something we have could more meaning than anything else in our entire lives. But we have to let it get there."

"What?" he croaked as he moved around the table and her finger slipped to his neck, massaging the muscles there.

She sighed at him. "You can be really thick for someone who's supposedly so brilliant."

Remus frowned. "I love you, you idiot! Maybe… maybe someday you would love me too," she looked at him questioningly, "because there's chemistry here. Chemistry, or magic, or something else lovely and warm and fulfilling and perfect. But I don't know if you can."

The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them, "Why not?"

Dora gave him that dreadful smile that he didn't like.

"You are so closed. I want to love you, Remus John Lupin, for who you are. Funny, smart, kind, caring, sensitive, gorgeous… it's wonder you haven't been snatched away yet. The thing is, though…"

"What? What is the thing?"

Her eyes turned to the floor, then returned to his, searching. "A secret. A secret, Remus. Love and friendship are built on trust. Honesty. The willingness to expose yourself. And let people love you for who you really are. Could you do that? Could you handle that sort of exposure? You are a brave man. Loyal, strong. Can you do this one thing? Can you leave your past, or whatever it is that haunts you behind? Can you let it go?"

"No."

He steadied himself on the table.

"This mysteriousness of mine. A secret, you call it. Crucial, lethal, deadly secret. I cannot leave it behind. It is with my every day. A condition. It walks with me. Sleeps with me. Lives and breathes alongside me, inside me. Like a caged animal. A disease." he spat the words at Tonks, hating her for making him want her. For making him want to listen to her empty words.

"A disease? You cannot trust me with your vital secret? I love you Remus, why don't you understand? No one else can sit with me, talk to me, laugh with me like you do. Certainly not at three in the morning. Didn't you open the door for me, hours after everyone had left? Didn't you sit here and listen to me go on about absolutely nothing, and actually seem to care? Why can't you see what I see? Why can't you trust me?"

"Why? You can wonder. You would never want me if you knew."

She looked up at him sorrowfully.

"I will always want you."

He couldn't bear to hear these things from her. She didn't know.

Remus yanked himself away from her comforting touch and grabbed the empty mugs, leaving the table. Tonks stood beside him, pushing the chair away.

"Really?" He dropped the cups in the full sink, daring to believe for just one moment. Elbows on the counter, he drops his head into his hands.

"Always." Dora's voice is soft, running over him like cool water, smoother than silk… She is behind him, beside him, within him. She is everywhere, and he loves her. She turns him to face her and rises on her toes to kiss him gently on the lips. His eyelids drop.

A weakness. Succumbing to love. Letting them get too close. Letting them get hurt.

"Always, Mr. Lupin."

But maybe… just once… something different.

"No matter what the circumstance."

Her mouth drew breath from his, and she whispered against his cheek.

"The place, the time, the people. Irrelevant. I know this, now. I love you. Now, tomorrow, in death. Forever."

Something that feels so right could never be wrong.

He looked down at her, more contradicted than ever before (which was saying something), "And me… also… maybe… one day."

Her kisses were breaking down his defenses quicker

And Remus Lupin surrendered. For a few minutes, he was young. Whole. Living. A few moments with her.

xxxxx

He almost regretted it. Almost. Not putting up more of a fight. Giving in so easily. Letting his emotions rule the situation, letting his feeling take reign over his mind.

But not truly.

Not fully enough to feel guilty.

He had always wanted her. He knew, somewhere inside him, that he loved her too. But he wasn't ready yet. And she understood.

Somehow, with some grace, someone had made it so she understood.

One day, perhaps, he would tell her. Show her his other half, the side he let take control when the real Remus simply couldn't fight any longer. And one day, perhaps, she would accept it.

One day, perhaps… he could tell her he loved her.

Then too, she would understand…

xxxxx

The streets were still dark. The air was still cold. But everything was brighter.

Remus was slow. Real. Even rather frightening. Still, Tonks was happy.

She had figured out one thing at last. Much of the puzzle was undone, but she would wait for him to reveal his secrets in his own time. For now, she would be satisfied with what came.

Because Remus Lupin was a challenge, and she was a challenge-type-of-girl. A dare, a bet… anything to spice it up and make life more fun.

This would be an exciting run, for sure. An enticing, lovely challenge. With her whole heart in it, and such a prize…

Such a love… Such a delicious challenge.

Yes, she decided, jumping in puddles and whistling, ignorant of the fact that most people did not appreciate clumsy women falling about their doorsteps in the wee hours of the morning. He was her challenge, and most scrumptious.

She smiled in anticipation.

A chocolate espresso challenge.

Author's Note: Yech. I am so sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't write at all, apparently. I sort of wish I had planned this out beforehand now, so it wouldn't be so horrible. I can honestly say this was my least favorite chapter of them all. Coming from me, that's a lot of hate. Yuck. I also want to write more on HBP, DH and all, but I appear to be stuck in OotP zone. Dunno what's eating me. Even if you despised it, please let me know any of your thoughts or suggestions or corrections because I love reading your delightful reviews. Even when I know I don't deserve it. Sorry for going on so long… I am quite terrible. I'll leave now, shall I? Thanks for sitting through this and reading all the useless nonsense. I love you.

You don't have to read those. I think I just put them in as a way of justifying myself… or consoling myself that people won't be all "what does she think she's doing?" because I'm telling them here that I know I can't write this thing properly. Blast. I will stop now. Promise. Thank you all for being fantastic. Because you are. Beyond amazing.