INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUGIE POYNTER CHAPTER 7
Harry is back from prison. That worthless piece of fuck copped a plea and got parole. He's lower than a snake's nut sac in my book. Well, on the plus side, I know now that I won't end up being his prison bitch. The Lord works in mysterious ways; I get really pissed off about him getting out, but I end up saving my asshole from being violated. You can't have everything in life I guess.
Jesus H! I was rootin' around through the box of DVVDs earlier. I was in the mood for something dramatic, but what I found was more horrifying than The Silence of The Lambs. Harry and Tom made a sex tape! Harry-that dishonest scrotum stain! He told me that he was straight! After all this bullshit, turns out that he is a fan of the ol' sausage. No wonder he and Tom have been on the outs lately. I guess Tom isn't a good enough fuck. I don't want to test this hypothesis out. I wouldn't nail Tom in the ass for anything. Well…maybe I'd do it if I could have Buckingham Palace. That's a place that the ladies would like. I'd change the name though; maybe to Nibble on my Ham Palace. Right on!
I am drawn out of my palace fantasy by Harry. I've had enough of him and his fuckin' antics! And you know what? I haven't seen him at all today. Just the thought of that cockhole pisses me off. His voice really annoys me too, now that I think of it. And that accent! Christ save me. He's worse than those assholes who are trying to learn English. If I wanted to deal with shit stains with accents I would have become a telemarketer or a worker in a foreign language department.
All that slamming in the next room over, it's like a fuckin' tap-dancing convention in there. It sounds like the Broadway production of Annie is going on in the next room over. I go over and pound on Harry's door. He doesn't answer me, so I kick the door in. I find him dancing naked for his girlfriend. Watching him dance is like watching someone have a seizure. He's knocked over his desk chair and CD shelf. He turns to me in the doorway and that same wave of sickness from last night's pub event washes over me. Before Harry can tell me to get the fuck out I dash away. I'll watch a movie to calm my stomach.
When I get to the living room, my stomach is far from settled. I catch a glimpse of Tom in spandex doing a Jane Fonda work out tape. The whole scene is sickening. I notice Danny outside washing his car. He's wearing booty shorts and nothing else. OOH! I feel better now; maybe I will go and help him out.
"Hey Danny. Want me to help you wax your car?" The words are out of my mouth before I know it. Danny nearly drops the hose, but he regains his composure. He seems to want to dig a bigger hole for me to crawl into. "Already waxed it this morning. Next time I need a hand, I'll give you a jingle." What an asshole! I'm trying to be helpful and this dick suck turns it into a big fuckin' joke. Can't he ever act like an adult? I can't, but that's okay. I'm younger than him. Then again, he hit puberty only last week, so I dunno how that exchange of time works. Don't they have books on this shit?
Even more fuckin' wonderful news on the home front. Today I was in a hurry to get ready, because we were having an interview at the house. Danny didn't do the laundry so I had no clean drawers. Not wanting to risk getting caught wearin' skanky drawers, I go commando. I put a belt on to make sure that I don't lose my shorts.
Harry is sitting in the living room dressed like he is going to the fuckin' prom. Danny comes in and he's wearing a sundress. He looks like that girl from Little House on the Prairie. Tom, as usual, is wearing a shirt with a big greasy stain on it. Doesn't he have any fuckin' pride? Not wanting to piss him off and have him reveal that I sleep with a blanket in my mouth, during our interview, I stay silent. Speaking on him spilling shit on live television, the other day that douche hole revealed that I like to jerk off to Joy Bahaw on The View. The whole audience was on the ground laughing.
So to get back at him, I logged onto my MySpace and wrote a wonderful editorial piece on what I think of Tom. I included several photos, some of the included, him asleep with a dildo in his mouth and then my personal favorite; a photo shopped image of him with his sac tucked back, posed like a woman. That got a lot of hits- Tom didn't come out of his room for a whole week when he found out about it.
Back to the interview. I don't remember what happened, but the bullshit level in the room skyrocketed. Things got a little rowdy and Tom pushed me. I tried to catch my balance and when I did so, the crotch of my shorts ripped leavin' my junk blowin' in the wind. The guy interviewing us had the camera guy get a tight shot of that.
Then to make it worse, my mum turned on the TV and she caught an eyeful of my crotch. She called me up and tore me a new asshole over the phone. Doesn't she have anything better to do then nag the fuck out of me? I have Harry for that.
Motherfucker! Tom ate the rest of my goddamn gummy bears. I'm gonna get back at him! I put candy in a mouse trap and wait for him to wander by. Tom sees it and goes for it. It snaps on his fuckin' hand!! That'll teach him to snack on my shit. You'd better watch your fuckin' step Tom, because I am watching.
Danny's mum came over for dinner tonight. Danny is cleaning and setting the table. Tom is doing all the cooking. Harry did the grocery shopping. I'm hiding in my bedroom. I decide to check the progress of what's going on downstairs; I peek into the dining room. Christ! It looks like the Queen is coming for fuckin' dinner! Danny sports me hanging around in the doorway. "Wanna help?" I don't feel motivated. I shake my head no. "Nah. I'll just grab a little piece of Heaven over there." I sit in the corner giving him shitty glaring looks over the top of my notebook.
Finally his mum shows up and Tom announces that dinner is served. Thank the good Lord! I was ready to tear my fuckin' spleen out and eat it. I grab a biscuit and take a huge bite. Goddamn! It's like chewing on a fuckin' golf ball. Where did Tom learn to cook? I spit it out and it lands in the roses that Danny has set on the table. OOH! I hope that nobody notices this.
Thankfully dinner goes by without anyone picking up on the spit up bread in the flowers. Tom's gone into the kitchen to get the coffee and dessert. I can only imagine what kind of shit he has cooked up. Most of my dinner ended up in Danny' mum's purse. I'll have to sneak out later and get a sandwich or I'm gonna fuckin' starve to death here. I wouldn't wish Tom's cooking on my worse enemy. Wait! Harry's got a pizza under his bed. I excuse myself and hurry up to Harry's room. Tom's made some kind of cake, but I'm too scared to try it.
Damn it! Harry locked the door to his fuckin' room. I fish around in Danny's jewelry box and finally find a hair pin. I sneak back to Harry's door and pick the lock. The door swings open and I dive for the bed. This pizza is fuckin' great! I'm halfway through the pizza when Harry comes into the room. SHIT! I panic. He's gonna beat the pizza out of me. He slams the door shut and faces me. "Move the fuck over!" He grabs a slice. "Thank the good Lord for this!" Harry's too hunger to even care that I've eaten half of his pizza. I expected him to slit my throat or shove the pizza box up my ass.
I vacate Harry's room before he comes down from his pizza high. Tom's doing dishes shaking his ass to the radio. Huh. I guess he really has been at the gym and not lollygagging around the house eating ice cream. There can be miracles in every day life, I guess. Speaking of miracles, Tawny (my bikini waxer) works miracles down below. I think that I should give that pub broad Tawny's number.
I'm back from getting' waxed and I feel fuckin' fine! I was so happy with the results that I took pictures for future reference. Fuckin' a! Even George Clooney isn't this well groomed down below! I feel like a million pounds. I'm worth that and more. I had my junk hanging out the window so the neighbors could see how good it looked. Danny's driving by and he sees my crotch hangin' in the breeze. He loses concentration, missing the driveway completely and plows into the neighbor's fence.
He crawls out of the car and I see him look up at me. I shut the curtains so he can't see me laughing like a complete fuck hole. That was fuckin' hilarious! What a complete and total stupid asshole! A tow truck goes by the house 10 minutes later and I'm still laughing.
Watching Danny sneak back into out yard was even funnier. I'll explode with laughter if this keeps up. Tom's seen what happened and comes into my room. "Did you just see that?!" He chokes out. "Yeah!" We hold onto each other and laugh like total assholes. Then it hits him that I'm not wearing any pants. "Why do you have your dick out?" "I don't remember!" We laugh even more. Finally, after nearly 20 minutes of asshole-ish laughter, Tom leaves to go watch re-runs of Happy Days.
Tom's not a complete fuck off! He's kinda cool, him and I should pal around sometimes. I'll check my date book to see when I'm free. It's funny, but kinda sick; I used to avoid Tom like the plague and now he and I are gonna go to witchcraft together this Tuesday night. It would have been Friday, but I have basket weaving with Danny that day. And on Saturday's it's high speed jump rope games with Harry.
-The Jump Rope Champion, Dougie Poynter