Disclaimer: I do not own Firefly any of its characters or the wonderful universe it is set in. Joss Whedon has that privilege. Nor do I own Hellsing any of its characters or what remains of its universe inside of this story (I think I've covered this before but ah well). I do own a few people, an Atlas of the Verse and many, many, MANY hours of research that was put into this story. (Kinda pathetic I know)

Note:...we are just going to pretend that those months did not exist. Thank you to everyone who reviewed and gave me story ideas. I have jotted them down. More below.

Undisclosed Desires

I know you've suffered but I don't want you to hide.

It's cold and loveless; I won't let you be denied.

-You trick your lovers that you're wicked and divine.

You may be a sinner but your innocence is mine.

oooo

"You and your family have, uh, issues."

Seras smiled good naturedly at the abrupt statement. "I can hardly deny the truth."

"You aren't quite normal, but I kinda like that." The childlike man shifted his weight nervously, scratching the back of his head before smiling beseechingly. "I wouldn't mind staying on, you know. I mean I never imagined signing up with just one person like this, always struck me as kinda boring. Would have signed up with a high class freight or cruise vessel were that the case." He paused again, blue eyes attempting to judge her reaction. "You definitely aren't boring, you know."

Her smile grew deeper and she knew that he was sincere and she knew what he wasn't saying, that he was worried about her being alone.

"Thank you, Wash. It's been a lot of fun. But I think I'm going to more or less settle planetside."

The piloted continued to look at her, his eyes searching for the truth in her words even though he knew well after all those years that if she wanted to lie to him, she would succeed. Finally his shoulders sank and his smile grew more sorrowful. "Never thought I'd miss a boss before."

Unable to resist, Seras reached out and gave him a quick hug. "It's not forever. I want you to promise me that you'll call if you need anything."

"Only if you return the favor," he grinned.

"Go find some interesting jobs to do."

"Yes, ma'am!"

"Oh and Wash?" she called after him as he turned and took his first few steps away from her and all the craziness she had brought with her. He turned to look over his shoulder, eyebrows raised in question.

"Don't get caught."

"Yes, ma'am."

oooo

Most of the Verse was shaken by the end of the war. Worlds that had once had barely seen any Alliance presence now had constant occupation or in lesser cases monitoring. Those who had laughed at the foolish upstarts and had scoffed at the idea of a war lasting more than a few weeks, months at most, now lived with the fear and understanding that their world had come far closer to changing completely than they felt comfortable even considering. Soldiers on both sides struggled with going back to the day to day lives they had forsaken years before. Business men that had boomed in ware time now sought other ways to profit in the lack, desperate to make all ends meet.

There were some that couldn't let go. Some who could not take themselves away from the horror and devastation, who drew in on themselves and became people they had refused to be before. There were those who could not let go of the fight, who continued on in their harsh deeds. Those like that in the Alliance stayed on in the military or as enforcers for the scum of the Verse. From the ashes of the Independents, the Dust Devils rose up, little better than terrorist sin a Verse still in chaos.

Seras knew that she had a responsibility to try and stop them, but she couldn't she herself just another soldier who was having a hard time going back to the life of 'before'. In the years building up to the war, she had been building that rebellion. Her goal, her purpose that she had sought to advance was torn from her. There was no going back to that.

So, in the end, she tried to go back farther.

oooo

"No."

She blinked, nonplused by his refusal before she had done more than give him a friendly greeting. Seras glanced around herself confusedly, as if trying to assure herself that she was where she had intended to be and had said what she had meant to say.

"I will not let you back in here," Nikolai continued with a hastily covered grin, "until you spend at least a couple months resting."

"But-"

"NO," he resisted, more firmly. "This persona is about to retire. You can come back when my sun takes over the family business."

She just stared at him before sighing resignedly. "Fine."

"I'm thinking of something ginger. I've never been ginger before."

Rolling her eyes she shook her head. "You are already almost impoliticly rude. We don't need the mood swings of a redhead to add to it. They would kick you out for not being snooty enough."

"Rude and not ginger. Check."

"See you in a few months then, Nikolai."

"See you then, Seras."

oooo

She had to give him credit; he didn't say anything when she stood upon his proverbial doorstep unannounced. He merely gave her a long look before opening the door wider and letting her pass through. The moment was long and silent and filled with all the words said and unsaid, years apart and fervent moments together, the past, the present and the ever changing future. She waited for breathless moments for him to say something, anything, but his words remained unsaid.

And then it passed and she was just so tired, so worn. She just couldn't care in that moment. Suddenly, she was in his arms, clinging to him like the universe depended on it and he folded her into his embrace and in that moment, her world was complete and she simply let go.

oooo

She woke alone frequently.

At first, it had gone almost unnoticed, accustomed as she had grown to spending her nights alone, but slowly it began to bother her. He was less aggressive towards her physically as well. Their love making, when it happened, included a new sense of withdraw that she had never before experienced. It should have, perhaps, seemed normal in that light, waking in a great expanse of bed sheets alone in a space that seemed far too great for one person to fill. Those silks and satins whispered to her the morning of her planetbound life, hinting nefariously at the feelings of a one night stand and something horribly missing from what had been there before.

She knew, of course, that she had hurt him more than either of them really cared to admit. She struggled, as she surveyed the echoing emptiness of their…his bedchamber, why she had been so angry. Had it been about him in the beginning or had it been her frustration with the Verse and his unwillingness to share it? Had it been true anger with him or had she painted him red by association? Sometimes she couldn't remember and just felt so tired. Childish naiveté bubbling up, she wish that it could all go back to the way it used to be and she could live in peace happily with her husband and family.

Except, she wasn't that person anymore.

Hours had passed since she rose up from the swirling undercurrents of empty sheets and she taught classes without remembering a word she had said. Nothing succeeded in breaking her out of the world of whispers in her own mind until afternoon was well gone by its way and a young woman approached her.

"Mistress Seras."

The vampire turned from her shifting thoughts imprinted on a magnificent landscape to look at the beautiful woman who had called her name. Her first thought, as she woke to the present, was a mild curiosity to why it had taken the girl so long to come to her.

"I do not have enough time just now, Inara. Please join me in my retiring room after the final afternoon lesson. You will have all my attention then."

The young woman nodded, not appearing to be the least upset to have been so abruptly put off. She dropped a quick curtsy and left her instructor to an entirely different set of thoughts. Seras watched her go before returning her gaze to the landscape, still unseen by her present eyes. Subconsciously, a small smile perked the corner of her lips at having something to distract her thoroughly at last.

oooo

Mistress Seras had always been a mysterious figure at the Companion Training House. She typically only instructed those who were old enough to understand the value and importance of secrecy and trust or those who had been born into the life, caring like a mother to lost souls. She had been something like that to Inara herself and she had been even more pleased than most when the instructress had decided to remain at the Training House for some time after the war.

She knew the other girls gossiped about the strangely immortal family and the stranger idea that came with being committed to one person for all of time. Personally, she had always found it terribly romantic. Even before she had found out the truth about herself.

"Come in."

Ignoring the fact that she hadn't even knocked, Inara entered the intimate room and immediately spotted the eternally young woman gazing at her. The blue of her elegant brocade dress reflected her eyes perfectly, a testament more to her husband and daughter than to her own tastes the students knew. Still, it was beautiful to see and Inara smiled happily as she stepped further into the room, momentarily allowing herself to let go of her worries.

The woman stopped that moment instantly.

"I will not make you immortal, Inara Sera. Not only is it now impossible with your Companion…experience, but it is not something I would recommend any one do lightly. Nor desperately." She paused then, head tilting ever so slightly to the side. "Though, you would probably have been fine if you'd been changed in time. You have considerable will power."

Deflated, Inara sank heavily on the empty settee. She could feel the eyes of her instructress on her as she sat silently for close to a full minute before stepping out of her depression. Taking a deep breath, she sat up straight and met Mistress Seras' eyes once more.

"Is there no way you can help me? Nothing at all?"

"I would have called you here if there wasn't," the eternal woman smiled, voice slightly admonishing. "My…friend conducted a number of experiments with the effect of…immortal blood on a regular human being. Given in small doses directly into the blood stream, it had the amazing ability to…well to stop time inside of the body."

"You mean…," Inara began breathlessly, finding herself unable to finish her question.

"Meaning," Mistress Seras continued carefully, "that cellular growth – and decay – of all sorts would stop. When used over time, test subjects would find that they did not age and they did not grow ill, to an extent."

"To an extent?"

The blonde smiled mischievously for the first time since the day began. "Well it stops cellular growth and decay, not irritation. In fact it can make some symptoms worse. Allergies for instance, irritate and cause the body to overload but the body can't fight it as usual so…." She shrugged, eyes sparkling. "Still, diseases that worsen due to growth or decay on that level were stopped."

"Then…," Inara began before once again finding herself unable to continue as tears of hope and relief overwhelmed her. For a moment, her immortal professor allowed her to take it in and regain emotional equilibrium before her features grew serious once more.

"Everything has a cost, Inara." Her gaze was heavy on the student, piercing in its sincerity. "The longer each subject took the…treatment, the less effect it had. The time between doses grew shorter. The human body can amazingly accustom itself to anything. Also, those who took it regularly for an extended period of time felt adverse side effects. They did not live forever nor even as long as they might have without having started it." Seras lips turned up slightly in an almost bitter smile as she broke Inara's gaze. "Time must flow on."

"Then…why would you suggest this?"

There was a long silence then before at last the woman she had so long respected and card for looked to her once more, eyes painfully honest as she confirmed the worst.

"Because, without it, you do not have almost any time left." She closed her blue eyes for a brief second before opening them again, warmth seeping in. "I mean to…I am offering you the chance to stop time, to stall for a few years longer."

Inara nodded, mumbling a quick thank you and some words of confirmation as her mind made silent prayer. She stood to excuse herself, understanding that the conversation was all but over.

"One more thing, Inara, before I send you away with the promise of delivery tomorrow, should you absolutely decide you want it."

"Yes, Mistress?"

"In case time does not permit then, let me stress to you something very important. Do not ever take more than you should and never use it all at once. The results would be…well, not pretty."

"Yes, Mistress."

oooo

"Father doesn't want you to know. He wants to keep you in the dark. to protect you or something." Michael sighed. "He's going to mutilate me but whatever, it will grow back. While he's got you stuck up here for months and months pretending everything is just fine things are getting worse. The shock has worn off and so many people are angry…. If you are up to it, I say its time you took a look for yourself."

She sat in the gardens for a long while after Michael left. It had been a long while since he had spoken freely to her. For months, it seemed, he had merely sat during his visits, his eyes fixed on her as if uncertain whether or not it to speak but afraid either way. It was, she knew, even longer since she had spoken openly to Alucard. Finally, it occurred to her that this might be part of the reason why. Could he, perhaps, still be protecting her in his own misguided way? She had quite seriously begun to wonder if they were truly at an end and if he had begun to fade in his affections to her. This would point at the opposite, yet she couldn't bring herself to feel comfort in it.

Suddenly, she decided to go visit him. Just as quickly, she was on her feet and making her way to his retiring room where she knew he most frequently shifted to the Operative Institute. She had been there but rarely and needed the special memory of his most recent shadow walking to make the journey herself. Peripherally, she found herself glad that she was wearing his favorite of her dresses, extravagantly formal and lusciously flattering, he had always given her an appreciative smile when he saw her in it. It had been awhile since she'd worn it.

Ages and a war had passed since the last time she had set foot in the Institute. She had made little secret of her dislike of the place and what it did but for at least a while at the beginning she had gone to visit him there. Still, somehow the people who walked the halls seemed to recognize her quickly enough to prevent her (or more accurately their) physical harm. Idly she wondered if they kept a picture of her around or if it was Alucard's doing. A few people she recognized from the few visits she had made before and their sudden incursion of age was slightly more jarring than most that she had experienced.

It had really been a long time.

Each step down the corridors began to leech at the original buoyancy that had led her to the sudden trip. Sure, his keeping her from the ugly world outside might be his way of protecting her, but since when in all the time that she knew him did she need that sort of protection? Was it a sign of his affections or his possessiveness? Was he treating her as someone precious or as a piece of important treasure? How long had it been since they had had a conversation anyway? Her mind swirled around and around in dizzying questions of circular logic that she had almost decided to return home when she felt his mind brush against hers, letting her know that he had sensed her presence.

Straightening her back, she smiled as she stepped forward into view. He glanced over from his pupils, giving her a cursory glance as if to assure himself that nothing was wrong before nodding to her briefly. Content to wait, she nodded back, turning her observations to the students when he looked away from her. They seemed so very young to her even though she knew vaguely that these were his more advanced students. Already in their twenties, they were all but ready to go out into the Verse for the first time since they were brought to the Institute in their almost infantile state. She could feel their purity, their desire to do good, to do what was best for the people of the Verse and once more she wondered if she had been wrong. These were good people. They had been trained to do horrible things but that did not make them capable of doing them.

Maybe it was herself that had become so biased.

Her eyes turned to the last student in the row, the head of the class and the oldest. He was a nice looking boy – man – and she felt his purity, his belief, more than any of them. As if sensing her gaze, his head began to turn and she found herself smiling at him before their eyes even met. His dark eyes met hers with friendly curiosity and he returned the smile hesitantly.

Suddenly the world exploded.

Screams split through the air and it took her some time to realize that they were coming from her. The overwhelming torrent of images flooded her and she couldn't stop them. There was too much for her to cope with, too much pain. Finally, after what felt like hours, the pain began to subside and she found herself returning to her right mind. Around her stood the bewildered and worried students glancing between her face and the person behind her. She realized suddenly that she was on the ground and that someone was cradling her head and shoulders.

"Alucard," she murmured, voice cracking from the strain of her screams.

"Hush," he quietly commanded before curtly dismissing his class. The students stood, obviously torn, but nodded their understanding and made their way from the hallway. She had barely enough time to register their absence before finding herself hoisted up and carried bridal style into the previously occupied classroom. He set her down gently in a chair, eyes puzzling over her assumedly wrecked features.

"What did you see?" His voice was tired, almost bitter, and it startled her.

"I can't…" she shook her head slightly, unable to bring the images to solid enough form to give them verbal description.

"Of course not," he bit off angrily. "Why would the headstrong police girl tell the monster what scares her?"

She blinked, taken aback. Was that what he thought? "Alucard…no, that's not. I just…can't…."

"Can't tell your husband? I wouldn't understand? You talk about trust so frequently but how much trust do you really have, Seras Victoria? When will you stop playing the victim of all this? Did you ever think that if you told me what you saw, I might be able to help you stop these ugly visions?"

"Victim?" she shouted, sitting up straighter. "I was never playing the victim!"

He straightened himself, standing up on high to look down at her with an expression that was a mix between anger and disgust. "From the very beginning you played the victim, police girl. Always so obvious in your rejection of your new life, always so sad for the humanity that was ripped away from you."

Seras leapt to her feet, angry not for the first time that it gave her little advantage over her sitting position. "That was centuries ago! I have changed since then! Did you ever think that maybe I didn't tell you because you didn't listen? You never want to believe that maybe something I say might count for something!"

"How can I believe your cries that the Alliance is evil and that this Institute is full of monsters when you give me no details? And when I refused to blindly believe, you run away and nearly kill yourself in pursuit of your little war! So like a child, you refused to give in even when it was done and then came crawling back so pathetically to someone who could protect you from everything."

"I didn't come crawling back for protection, Master. I came back because…," she trailed off, unwilling to state her affection after his accusations. "But you tried so hard to protect me, didn't you? You wanted to lock me away and keep me in a cupboard like some sort of doll that you can dress up and show off! I don't need your protection anymore Alucard, I haven't needed it for a damn long time!"

She stopped, staring at him and at the anger in his eyes. She knew, rationally, that he had every right to be angry with her but she had her own reasons as well. As her passion began to cool, she realized that he was still waiting for her to make all the concessions, still waiting for her to bend to his will. But she couldn't, not anymore. She was no longer his little fledgling draculina with no mind of her own, no will but his.

"But you don't see that do you," she murmured after a few seconds, cutting off whatever response he had been about to make. "You are right, Alucard. Maybe it was all about wanting too much, about being a victim."

His eyes were cold carnelian as he stared at her, his face not giving away anything. Finally, he spoke, voice ever so slightly unsure.

"Then maybe that should change."

Her lips curled slightly, her gaze ripped from his, and she nodded slightly. "Yes…I think so too."

oooo

The first sign of something wrong had been Michael standing outside of his quarters at the Training House. His face, so like his fathers, was changed drastically with great emotion as he looked up.

"Mum, she…."

He pat his son lightly on the shoulder before entering, expecting…something. Glancing around the room confirmed what he already knew: she wasn't there. He had wondered at the lack of her presence but he hadn't worried too much. She had developed the habit early on to wander off when she needed to think. But this was something different. On the bed, laid out with great care, was the dress she had worn earlier in the day. He had always loved seeing her in it. Laying on it was a folded piece of paper addressed to him. Picking it up, he stopped abruptly.

Below the note lay a familiar ring.

For a moment, he considered throwing the note in the fire, letting it be consumed hole and unread. He even considered doing the same for the well worn ring. The idea passed and he slowly unfolded the paper, unwillingly reading what was held within.

You were right. I was playing victim for too long. It is time to stop. It is time to stop pretending that I am the same girl from that night long ago. I've changed too much to play the part you want me to, Alucard, changed too much to even really want to anymore. I mean to go on as I started and live the life I created on my own. All I ever wanted from you was for you to want to go with me, to follow me into something the way I had followed you all that long ago.

As you said to Hope so often, all things end eventually. All that matters is how they do. Let's let it end now before it becomes something ugly and perverse. Thank you. For everything.

He let the paper fall from his hands back onto the lavish dress, covering the ring once more. For a moment he stared at it, his face as expressionless as ever. Then, with a small sigh, he turned and opened the door, finding his son standing there, desperate to fight back tears despite his advanced age.

"She gave me a note, said that she was going somewhere for a long while, that she would contact me when she was ready." Michael broke off from his rambling, looking up to his father with eyes that cried out for something to make sense. "She just…left."

Alucard reached forward and placed a hand on his son's shoulder. "Do not be any more foolish than necessary, Michael. Your mother would never abandon you. She just needs…time and doesn't want to hurt you any more than necessary."

"I know," the younger man stammered slightly, "but…."

"I said not to be foolish. Only a fool would think that I would let go of what is mine so easily." He sighed, calming slightly at the hope that shone from his boy's face. "I have all eternity to convince her of that. I can give her a few years to think otherwise."

Finally a smirk grew on Michael's face as he looked at his much respected father. "You might not want to tell her that you think she is a fool."

"Perhaps not."

oooo

"You did a mighty fine job, Miss Seras."

She smiled up at her old friend. "Thank you. I think so too."

"Ready to leave this place then? Took you a long while. I was beginning to wonder if you were hitching up with another Pilot." Wash grinned down at her. "I'm a mighty jealous sort."

"No…just took some time to get things done," Seras laughed, shouldering one of her bags and hefting the other easily.

"I'll say. It's been almost three years since you called me all sudden like to drop you off on this rock." He gazed forward again and admired her hard work with the sense of appreciation that it was due. "Glad to see it done right, though. Think…you think you can move on now then?"

She stared at what amounted to two and a half years' worth of work before looking back up to him. "Yeah, I think so."

"You looking to take me on permanently then? I have to say that jobs between then and now have been fairly boring. Barely a test of my skill and I only rarely almost died."

"No," she shook her head as she stepped onto his ship, borrowed from his current job she knew. "Just asking for a favor."

"And that's what friends are for. Rushing across half the Verse for a favor."

"Don't worry. Soon enough you'll find your home. I know it."

"I shall trust you, oh great magical general, in the meantime…."

"Where are the dinosaurs?"

oooo

She stared at the gun in her hand for about the fifth time that day. It had done so many things at her insistence. How many of those she gunned down deserved it? How many soldiers…how many after? When the war ended and her sergeant had wandered off, broken inside, she had nothing left to return to. She had been conscripted, a soldier through and through from a world no longer the same. She couldn't let go of the fight, couldn't accept a life where her soldier's instincts had no merit. Nor could she allow herself to join the Alliance to be a soldier on their side. Some people could go back to being folk when the horrors of war were done, some could let go.

She couldn't.

She just kept on fighting until she wasn't certain who she was fighting anymore. She couldn't quite remember why aside of that single fact that she had fought for him. After her family was gone, he had given her a place. But now her men were dead, her leader gone and all she had was the fight. She stared at the gun in her hand, seeing the destruction she had done since the war, the acts of what amounted to nothing but terrorism. She had been a soldier who had sought to continue a fight and joined the others who would not let go. But there had been no peace there, there had been no leader to follow nor followers to lead. She wanted to leave but didn't know how. Leaving would mean accepting what she was, a soldier with nothing to fight and no leader to follow.

Or, more simply, nothing at all.

"Zoe."

"Sir!" The response was automatic, her voice and body reacting before her mind caught up. She was already standing before she realized who had spoken to her. "Sergeant." Her voice almost broke but only almost and only someone who knew her very well would have been able to spot that she was close to coming undone. He was one of those people if not the only one and he knew her well enough to ignore it.

He looked at her and a new wave of panic washed through her and one of those rare moments when she felt like crying struck her. She thought he had been broken at the end of the war but now she knew tat he had still just been teetering on the edge. Now she saw a man robbed of everything, his family, his home, his life, just like she was. But he had gone one worse. Serenity Valley had stolen his belief, his soul and he was but a shell of the man he had been before.

Yet, here he was, come to save her.

"Let's go."

It was that simple, two words and a world of meaning and promise painted on them and on the look in his eyes.

"Yes, sir."

It was that simple, two words and a world of promise and understand that he still held one belief in that tired shell of a man who had been broken.

Hers.

AN: This was originally meant to be longer but I decided that the part I cut out would go just as easily in the next chapter and it would perhaps flow better. Also this was getting fairly long so I figured why not. That being said, I profusely apologize for the lengthy delay. I had originally wanted to update this by my birthday (Late June) but the weekend of my birthday went horribly, bitterly wrong. Then I had a bunch of other very bitter things happen that same week. And by the time I started feeling less mean and angry, I lost my job and was back to being mean and angry again. I got another job which had me working five billion hours a week. Then I lost that job too.

I think the universe is trying to tell me something.

Sigh.

All that being said, again, many thanks to the very kind reviews. I'm sorry it took so long. It might have been done months ago if not for the scene between Alucard and Seras at the instittue. I rewrote it about 20 times (literally) and I'm still not entirely happy with it. Its hard to not make Alucard a bad guy and not have Seras be a brat. Hopefully I somewhat succeeded.

I am about to embark on the chapters that take place during the Firefly series proper. I will warn that a lot of the mingling of the two verses will be subtle during that period of time since I think too much intermingling will ruin the dynamic of the firefly crew. Still, I am very open to requests at this point. If there is any particular scene from Firefly that you would like colored Hellsing red, let me know. I'd like to do it justice and I am somewhat at a loss for how to do it.

Thank you so much for your patience!

Til next time!