In my field of paper flowers

By

AllyinthekeyofX

Summery – Mulder and Scully discover that John Doggett had a secret of his own. A secret that will change everything. Mulder POV

This story is set in season 10. Post 'Home again' but pre 'My Struggle II'

EPILOGUE

So many years ago I sat at this table and made paper flowers to plant for Scully in the field that borders the house.

To create a colourful moment in time.

To chase the shadows from her face and the sadness from her eyes.

And for a while, I succeeded I think.

For a while, we were as close to happy as we ever could hope to be back then.

But paper flowers, no matter how beautiful cannot withstand the elements. A few days in the frigid November air, the wind, the rain and the snow slowly destroyed them. Until nothing remained but bare sticks and barren earth.

And even if I had replaced them, as the season of winter and darkness progressed, their longevity would have become ever shorter before they fell to the ground or were taken by the winds.

And I now know that, symbolically at least, those paper flowers became us.

That no matter how much we wanted us to survive, to remain colourful and vibrant and whole, that the dark seasons would always claim us. Rip us down. Lay us bare.

And after a while, the paper flowers stopped making any sense.

Nothing made sense.

When we became so emotionally detached that we hurt each other without even knowing. Not just with words, but with actions – or rather a lack of them.

We became strangers to each other.

I no longer recognised the woman who had been my constant for almost twenty years. So much had been taken from her that she was just empty.

And even though we went through the motions of our daily lives our eyes were closed and we no longer saw each other.

Living together, sleeping together. But no longer a partnership.

Two separate souls who just forgot how to be with each other.

Like autumn leaves we couldn't hold on. The downward spiral became inevitable.

And when she had gone, I tried to tell myself that it was ok. That it was for the best. For both of us.

But being apart could never be best for either of us. I know now that she suffered as much as I did during those long months where we had no contact. But we were both so wrapped up in our own misery that we just didn't know how to reach out. To finally admit that if one was around, the other would always survive somehow.

It has taken years to return to this point.

And with it, a final acceptance.

A certainty that no matter what, we can never go back. We can never hope to recapture what we once had.

But we can make something different.

I've spent years yearning for something that could never be again. Not realising that by mourning what I perceived I had lost, I was unable to see what could be.

When John Doggett made it his business to catalogue William's life for us, he couldn't possibly have known how that action would impact us.

Because contained amongst those photographs of my son was something equally as precious that I thought I had lost so many years ago.

Faith.

A faith in myself. A faith that even though I had got it wrong so many times, that even now, there was still time to get it right.

When I finally opened that file, looked in to eyes of the fifteen year old boy that smiled at me from another place, I felt something awaken in me that I had suppressed for so long.

Pride.

Love.

Hope.

As a baby he was all Scully. Or maybe that's how I remember him.

But he is also me. And I am him.

My precious son.

Born of a love for his Mother that I realise is eternal. That no matter how much the light may dim for us, that it will never be truly extinguished.

And that maybe one day we will be lucky enough to share that love with our Son.

But if we can't...well that's ok too.

Because the yearning within us both has been answered. For Scully and I the years of uncertainty have finally ended.

Because, regardless of where he is, of who he is, he is happy and he is safe.

And that's enough.

It has to be.

And I smile at the thought.

I'm still smiling when I hear Scully's footsteps behind me and she pauses to drop a hand on my head.

She stayed over last night. It wasn't planned. She'd brought Apollo over who, was fast beginning to see my little house as his second home. I'd even been and bought him a bed which he largely ignored. He much preferred to be with us on the sofa, and if I'm honest I think I preferred it too.

And in the silence of the warm summer's evening we had talked about our son. Perhaps for the first time, we had talked without sorrow.

It was a good feeling.

And Scully had stayed.

That was a good feeling too.

We have a long way to go. The wounds we inflicted upon each other will take a long time to heal. But they will heal.

I'm surer of that than I have ever been about anything.

I see it in her face; I feel it in her touch. That we are healing. Slowly we are healing.

"Hey" Her voice is soft, still a little thick with sleep. "You should have woke me"

I don't answer. Instead I rise slowly to my feet and turn to face her. The sunlight illuminates her face and she looks happy. She looks so damn happy I could cry.

And I capture her small hand in mine and lead her towards the door.

"Mulder?" but there is laughter in her questioning tone.

Maybe she senses that I have surprise for her. I've never been good at surprising her. But this morning, while she slept, I stole her car and made the short journey in to town.

I returned with a single rosebush which I planted on the edge of the field where we would see it from the porch.

Because the time for paper flowers is gone.

End

NOTES – I have really enjoyed writing this. It's my first serious attempt at a first person POV for almost 15 years. And our heroes have changed in ways we can't imagine during that time. But I hope I've done them justice.

I have to thank everyone who took the time to review or send messages. I went in to this thing not really knowing if I had it in me. And at times it got a bit overwhelming. But your lovely messages spurred me on. (Well, except for the hate mail I received from a dear reader who thought I'd killed Mulder. Which was a bit bizarre lol) Your support meant more than a whole field full of paper flowers. And I hope you will leave me a review or send a message now it's finished.

Thank you for reading. I think they will be ok in the end ;)

Ally