The Heroes Parody Project
Season 4
Chapter 7
Disclaimer: Heroes is copyright its creator, Tim Kring, and NBC. I do not own anything, know or represent any of the cast or crew. This fan fiction is written purely for entertainment purposes only so please don't sue.
Claire: Previously on Heroes…
Trucker Dan: Get in the boat.
Mohinder gets in the speedboat along with Dan and an unconscious Nathan.
Matt: Found ourselves a boat!
Claire: I'm going to go look around.
Trucker Dan (to Mohinder, handing him a Sniper Rifle): Kill them.
Matt goes down.
Mohinder: Holy crap, I just shot Matt!
The House Boat scrapes up against a cement pole; Niki, Claire and West go flying.
Claire: I think we're sinking.
Arthur Petrelli (to Angela): You may go, but you need to recruit these members. One of which I think you'll be particularly interested in.
Ted, Micah and Molly sneak out of their cell. Ted gets captured.
Arthur (to Micah and Molly): It appears that someone I know is looking for you.
Arthur pops into Sylar, Ted and Samson's cell.
Arthur: Oh, hey, just for the record, you three are still going to die. Not today, most likely tomorrow, possibly during brunch.
Ando (to Tracy): You have to help me!
Tracy and Ando get flanked by Linderman's men.
Linderman: Why, it's been a while Miss Sanders.
Tracy: Why does he think I'm Niki?...I mean we are identical twins but…..nevermind, I just answered my own question, I'll just leave it at that.
Linderman (to Tracy and Ando): You have 24 hours to bring me both Micah Sanders and Molly Walker.
Tracy: I know where we might be able to get them.
Angela: Help us, then we can help you.
Tracy and Ando meet with Adam Monroe.
Adam: Something I can help you with? Sorry I was on the phone, I was just finishing up some business.
Trucker Dan (to Mohinder): I plan on selling you. Dead or Alive.
Mohinder: Gulp.
A cell door opens. Inside, Ted Sprague, Samson and Sylar Gray have been waiting for their fate. Micah Sanders and Molly Walker enter the cell carrying food.
Ted: What's this?
Micah: We're…bringing you food.
Sylar: Uh…why?
Molly: It's….kind of your last meal.
Micah: Cause, you're kinda getting executed in a few hours.
Sylar: Oh, how wonderful!
Molly: What's worse is that weird man is going to hand us off to Daniel Linderman.
Samson: Linderman? Why? What's his role in all this?
Sylar: Oh, stop acting like you know who he is!
Micah: We don't know the details. But we have to find a way out of here.
Sylar: That's easy for you to say! You're just getting traded off, we're gonna be killed.
Ted: I can't believe this…(looks at his plate)…he said it was supposed to be brunch!
Micah glances up at the camera.
Micah: I….might have an idea. Come on, Molly.
Sylar: Hey! Where are you going? You didn't give me my food yet!
Micah and Molly leave.
Molly: What's going on?
Micah: I may not have my ability right now, but I think I know how to get us out of here.
Meanwhile, in India. Hiro Nakamura (as Mohinder) walks to the shore overlooking the sea. He holds a container of Sandra Suresh's ashes.
Hiro: Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, rub a dub-dub, thanks for the grub.
Some people on the beach look at Hiro.
Hiro: What? I left my notes back at home. And I can't call Zach from here; I'll get riddled with roaming charges!
The people leave.
Hiro: Goodbye, father.
Hiro opens the urn and dumps it into the sea. The wind blows the ashes in Hiro's face.
Hiro: BLEHHH! (Spit) (Cough) (Hack)...Gross! Ugh, it's all in my glasses! Lens Crafters doesn't cover this!
Meanwhile, on the bridge of the house boat. Claire and Niki burst through the doors that read:
Chapter Seven "Sink Or Swim"
Niki: Matt! What the hell is…?
They see The Haitian and Elle tending to Matt's wound.
Niki: Holy crap! What happened now?
Matt: I've been shot….I think the gun did it.
Niki: Well, we have big problems!
Matt: More than me croaking? Sheesh!
Niki: Yes, that's bad and all. But we're sinking!
Claire: Where's West? He was right behind me!
Claire leaves the bridge.
The Haitian: I've been trying to tell these two that we're sinking.
Elle: Oh, are you talking about that little ol' pole we hit? We're fine!
The bridge starts to tilt.
Elle: Totally fine.
The bridge tilts some more.
Elle: Wow….those winds…..really…are really…windy…
Losing her balance, Elle falls and slides across the ground.
Elle: Okay, we're sinking.
= = =HEROES= = =
Niki is looking at Matt's wound.
Niki: Who in the world would shoot you?
Niki walks over and brings down the periscope.
Matt: I didn't know we had one of those!
Niki looks over and sees Mohinder holding the rifle.
Niki: UGH! (throws the periscope up) I'm gonna kill him!
On the shore, Mohinder and Nathan are being tied up.
Mohinder: Oh my god! The boat is sinking! Did I do that?
Nathan: You're the one with the smoking gun.
Mohinder looks at him.
Nathan: I wasn't being cute; you probably killed everyone on board.
Mohinder: I just thought I shot Matt! Now they're all sinking! Niki's going to kill me for sure…
In an office downtown…Adam Monroe is flipping through some papers. Across his desk, Tracy Strauss and Ando Masahashi sit in wait.
Adam (chuckling): Join The Company, and headed by Arthur Petrelli? Okay, I'm in.
Tracy: Oh! Okay, that was quick….Great. Just sign these papers and you can start soon.
Adam: I have a bone to pick with him anyway…
Adam's phone rings.
Adam: Sorry, I have to take this.
Adam leaves.
Ando (to Tracy): Holy crap! Do you not know who he is?
Tracy: Should I?
Ando: He is Hiro's worst enemy….one of his worst?...Probably not the worst…He's a bad man.
Tracy: I don't care. Just as long as we can get back to my main mission off helping Nathan rescue Meredith Gordon and her brother the quicker I can take a break.
Micah and Molly are walking back to Arthur's office.
Molly: Micah? What's going on.? What are you thinking?
Micah: Listen, Sylar and the others are sitting ducks in that cell. They are being watched by Arthur constantly.
Molly: Right.
Micah: I may not have my abilities but I do know my way around electronics. If you can distract Arthur, I can loop the security footage and help them escape.
Molly: Are you insane? He'll catch you and kill us.
Micah: I don't think so. I think he needs us for something. We can at least get them out of here.
Molly: Yeah...so you're going to pull a 'Speed'?
Micah: Yes...I'm going to pull a 'Speed'.
Down a few decks.
Claire: West? Where are you?
West walks out of the kitchen.
Claire: West? What are you doing!
West: Have you been in that kitchen?
Claire: Yes, I know, I was all over it in the last episode. But we need to get to the bridge before…
The lights start to flicker. Loud creaks start to roar through the corridors.
Claire: Okay, time to go.
Claire and West walk out of the kitchen. She stops.
West: What's wrong?
Claire: There's water coming down the stairwell.
West turns and notices the water starting to flow from the stairwell into the hall.
West: Let's run this way!
Claire: But that's the only stairwell!
West and Claire run down the hallway. They reach a split at the end.
Claire: Which way should we go?
West: This way!
Claire: I don't know. I think we should head back and try to swim to the bridge.
West: That sounds like a bad….bad idea.
Claire: No it doesn't. I'm an expert swimmer.
West: The flow is too strong. You can't swim against that.
Claire: No….but you can!
West: What?
Claire: You can fly!
West: What does that have to do with anything!
Claire: I can hold on to you. Then you use your flying to jet us through the water.
West: It doesn't work like that!
Claire: Have you ever tried?
West: Um, no. Planes can't fly underwater. I can't fly under water. It's just…basic…science stuff. I don't know.
Claire: I think you should try it.
West walks back and dives into the water.
Claire: West!
The water starts to rise.
Claire: Oh, crap….crap….crap, crap….
Claire takes off running, with a wall of water chasing her from behind. It catches up with her. She swims to the surface.
Claire: AHHHHHH! Someone help! I got a Charley Horse!...AHH! Two Charley Horses!
Claire sinks under the surface.
Adam returns back to his office.
Adam: Sorry about that, just needed to take that call.
He sits down.
Adam: So, I've decided to help you.
Tracy: Really? Good, great. We'll just get some of this paperwork signed and...
Adam: On one condition...
Tracy: Damn, I hate it when people say that.
Adam: I need you to go to my house and retrieve a package for me.
Tracy: Um...that's it? Just go to your house?
Adam: That's all.
Tracy: If you don't mind me asking, why can't you go? I already have a lot on my plate, you see.
Adam: I have an important meeting to go to and the delivery is going to happen shortly and I have to retrieve this package as soon as possible.
Tracy: Um...okay. Doesn't sound so hard. Let's go Ando.
They get up and leave the office as Adam watches them. They get out to the car and Tracy gets on the phone.
Ando: What are you doing?
Tracy: I'm calling Linderman.
Ando: When did he give you his number?
Tracy: We have got to get an extension on retrieving Micah and Molly.
Linderman (on the phone): Miss Sanders, I hope you have results.
Tracy: I have better than that; we need an extension on the mission. Another 24 hours at least.
Linderman: How is that better than results?
Tracy: We really can't complete this mission in that time. Please, tack on another 24 hours. I promise we will get it done.
Linderman: Fine...on one condition. I need you to do something for me.
Tracy: OKAY! Sounds great, thanks! Gotta run!
Tracy hangs up the phone.
Tracy: Seriously, if I get tasked to do one more thing I'm gonna...
Ando: Freak out and throw your cell phone out the window?
Tracy: ...Well...yeah.
Her phone vibrates. She looks at a text message from Angela reading 'Pick up milk'.
Tracy throws her phone out the window.
Micah and Molly are watching Arthur from outside his office.
Molly: So, what's the plan?
Micah: I'm going to sneak into the security room. You have to distract Arthur because he's expecting us back.
Molly: What are you going to do if he tries to locate you? He has my power.
Micah: I'll just have to work fast.
Molly: How are you going to take out the guards?
Micah: I'll need some help.
Back on the bridge.
Niki: Where the hell are Claire and West!
Matt: I see a bright light!
Niki: That's because Elle has a pen light in your face!
Elle: I'm checking his retinas!
The Haitian looks out the window.
Haitian: There's a life boat attached to the ship!
Niki: What? Really?
Niki runs over and looks out the window.
Niki: Perfect! We can get it. Come on.
Niki and The Haitian make their way to the outside deck. Elle holds Matt who continues to be shot.
Matt: Well, Elle, this is it…..
Elle: Worry not. I'll sing you a song to calm your nerves. Ahem….(singing)….Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty, Little ball of fur…
Matt slowly looks at Elle.
Elle (singing): Happy Kitty, Sleepy Kitty, Purr, Purr, Purr….
Matt: …
Elle: ….
Matt: ….
Elle: How do you feel?
Matt: I feel…..like I've been shot.
Elle: Oh come on. My singing wasn't THAT bad….oh, wait, I forgot you've really been shot. Might as well sing it again while we sink to a watery grave.
Matt: Yay.
Elle (singing): Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty, Little ball of fur…
Tracy and Ando pull up to Adam's mansion.
Ando (getting out): Wow! This place is huge!
Tracy: I'm in the wrong business.
Ando: That's not true! The internet is the future, you just need to expand your market and...
Tracy: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU I'M NOT A STRIPPER!
Ando: ...But...but….the internet!
Tracy: Let's just go inside.
They walk into the mansion, in the grand hall.
Tracy: Ugh, this place is too nice. I'm going to throw up.
We pan down the hallway and behind a locked door at the end of the hall. On the other side, Mohinder and Nathan are tied up to a chair.
In the security room. The two guards are watching the prisoners.
Guard: Hey, man, the pizza's here. You ready to eat?
Other guard: Sure am! Man, I'm starved.
The two guards leave the station and go into another room to get pizza. On the screen, the door of the cell opens.
Micah: Samson!
Samson: Hmm?
Micah: I need you to come with me. Hurry!
Samson hesitantly gets up. He follows Micah out of the cell.
Sylar: What the crap? We don't get to go anywhere?
Ted: That's nice, so are we going to play any games or what? I'm bored as hell!
Sylar: I told you I'm not playing games with you anymore. You cheat!
Ted: No way! I never cheat. Here, take these cards...NO!...Take THESE cards.
Sylar: Ugh, forget it! We need to find a way out of here.
Samson and Micah make their way to the security room.
Samson: Micah, what's going on?
Micah: I'm getting you guys out of here. This is the only way. Use your ability.
Samson: Really?
Micah: Yeah, you're the only one whose power Arthur didn't take...since...well...
Samson: We don't need another trip down memory lane. Let's just get this over with.
Micah: Okay, you lull the guards and distract them and I'll set up the system. You get back to the cell as quick as possible.
Samson: Fine.
Samson peeks into the room as the guards are still shifting through pizza boxes. He starts to whistle as the guards start to look confused and daze off.
Micah: Great! Now, hurry back to the cell. Punch in code 4431 and hurry.
Samson runs off as Micah starts switching wires.
Niki and The Haitian make their way to the outside deck.
Haitian: It's stuck!
The Haitian makes his way over and tries to untie the life boat. The house boat tips drastically in a vertical motion.
Niki: ACK!
Niki and The Haitian slide down the deck and stop at a railing on the edge. The both adjust their feet to the railing with their backs angled against the deck's surface.
Niki: This is bad. This is really bad!
They hear snapping. They both look up as the life boat breaks loose.
Niki: CRAP! MOVE!
The Haitian and Niki roll away in opposite directions as the life boat slides by them and into the water. The Haitian loses his balance and falls into the water. Niki slips and hangs onto the railing.
Niki: Dammit! We could use the flying guy right about now! Errrgh!
Niki loses her grip and falls into the lake.
Adam is sitting at a table in the outside parlor of a cafe downtown. Trucker Dan meets him and sits at the other end of the table.
Adam: I must thank you for delivering my packages.
Trucker Dan: Yeah, it was kind of a pain. Where's my money?
Adam: Yeah, about that. There's going to be a deduction on the award, my good man.
Trucker Dan: What are you talking about?
Adam: I was just informed that there were only two captives. There were supposed to be three. Where's the third one?
Trucker Dan: I...I don't know. There was just the two, the scientist and the former mayor; I didn't know there was a third one!
Adam: Well, I'm afraid there was a third one you were supposed to get. But you didn't. So you're gonna get a cut.
Trucker Dan hops out of his chair and pulls a gun on Adam. He smirks and takes a sip of his tea.
Adam: Are you going to shoot me?
Trucker Dan: I need the full payment promised! You didn't say anything about a third person.
Adam shrugs and takes another drink.
Adam: Take it or leave it.
Trucker Dan starts to heavily breathe out of frustration. He pulls the trigger, the gun blast knocks Adam's chair back a few inches. He stares at the bullet hole in his chest and looks back at Dan.
Adam: Now that wasn't very nice.
Adam takes a steak knife and pries out the bullet. Dan stares at him in shock as the wound heals.
Adam: Now, let me show you how it's done.
Adam gets up, pulls out a gun and shoots point blank in the chest. Dan, startled, falls forward on the table and slides back down into his seat.
Adam looks around.
Adam: Good thing nobody pays attention to these things.
Adam slides the bill over to Dan's body, slumped on the table.
Adam: You got this one, chap.
He pats his shoulder as he walks away from the cafe.
Samson opens the cell door, he see's Ted standing in the cell.
Samson: Um...where's Gabriel?
Ted looks up, as does Samson. He sees Sylar's legs sticking out of a ventilation shaft.
Samson: ACK! We need to get him out of there!
Sylar: NO! We have to get out here. I'm going stir crazy!
Samson: Hurry, Ted, help me pull him back down.
Micah is working at the console, ready to record.
Micah: What the?...Is Sylar stuck in the ventilation shaft? Doesn't he know that those always lead to trouble?
A doorway into a ventilation shaft opens. Claire climbs in, completely soaked. She bumps into West.
Claire: West!
West: Claire! You're alive!
Claire: No thanks to you! You had to go off and get swept away!
West: Hey! That's because of your crazy 'I can fly underwater' theory.
Claire: No point in pointing fingers. We may be able to crawl back to the bridge in this shaft.
West: If we're not completely underwater. We may have to find a way off the boat and get to the surface.
Claire: Well, water is behind me and about to flood the ventilation shaft
West: Well, I've been being chased by water.
Claire: Oh….so….we're screwed.
West: No. You can't die! Just breathe into my mouth so we won't drown!
Claire: It doesn't work like that!
West: It's not any less ridiculous than your theory.
Claire: It actually pretty absurd.
West: No it's not.
Claire: Yeah. You being a faster swimmer with your ability is vastly different than me having infinite oxygen.
West: Well, you should still at least….(blub, blub, blub).
Claire: I don't think I like the sound of your….(blub blub blub).
The boat completely submerges under the water. The life boat floats in the water. Claire and West reach the surface and climb into the boat.
Claire: There….there's no one here!
West: I hope everyone else got off the boat.
Claire looks around and can't find the boat. They find themselves stranded in the middle of the lake.
Back in Redux, Hiro and Ando are eating at the Burnt Toast Diner. Over in a booth across the room, Hiro and Zach, dressed as old ladies, watch the scene from afar.
Zach: What the hell is the purpose of us being dressed like this? This ridiculously large bosom of mine keep dropping into my soup!
Hiro: I think you can pay someone to have that fixed. Now SHH! It's happening.
Charlie Andrews walks out carrying a tray of food to other tables.
Hiro: It's her! Oh, how I missed Charlie. I should go back in time and...oh wait, that didn't pan out too well last time either.
Zach: Is that the waitress? Flag her down; I need a new bowl of soup. (CRASH) Oh great, there goes my salad!
Hiro: There's Sylar! He's sitting at the table.
Zach (sifting through notes): Your girlfriend is about to get whacked. Just sayin.
Hiro: Not this time...
Zach: Hiro! You can't mess up the...wait? Can you? Ugh, I can't keep up anymore.
Hiro: We can't mess up the timeline anyway. I'm saving Charlie this time. Before she gets killed multiple times and eventually sent to the past where she'll live a great fulfilling life! I WILL STOP THIS FROM HAPPENING!
Zach: Did we EVER get refills? I haven't been able to see the table the entire time we've been here.
Hiro: Let's go!
Zach: Like I could get out of this booth.
Zach gets out and they run into the back room, Charlie is dead, her head has been sliced.
Hiro: AHHHH!
Zach: OH HOLY CRAP!
Hiro: Oh the humanity!
Zach: Hey! We never did get refills. Hello, Tips-ville, population: 0.
There's a knock on the door.
Hiro (Redux): Charlie! Is everything okay? I saw two menacing old ladies follow you into that storage room.
Zach: He's talking about us.
Hiro: Well, Cat Crap! We screwed up the timeline again. We have to fix this.
Zach: You never answered my question if that ever mattered or not.
Hiro: HAHA! Charlie is dead! For I, Sylar, has just killed her.
Hiro (Redux): WHAA!
Zach: HE SURE DID! Good going, boss!
Hiro (to Zach): What are you doing! Sylar doesn't have any henchmen!
Zach: Maybe I'm just a fan.
Hiro: That would never happen, EVER!
Zach: You just suck at being Sylar. I got this. Ahem...She sure is dead. Her brain is delicious!
Hiro (Redux): AAHHHH!
Hiro: Yeah, Sylar doesn't eat the brains. We kinda covered that in Season 3.
Zach: Well, some of us didn't get cast for Season 3.
Hiro: You're kinda missing the point here, Zach.
Zach: And that is.
They hear banging on the door
Hiro: I'm about to barge in here and kill us. We have to go! Quick, through that ventilation shaft.
Zach: Don't you know those always lead to trouble?
Micah is watching Samson and Ted scramble around trying to get Sylar out of the vent. He notices the guards starting to come to.
Micah: Come on, guys!
Sylar slips out of the shaft and falls on the ground. Micah presses record.
Micah: Good...Good.
Micah presses a few buttons on the console and runs out of the room. The guards come to and return to the console. They continue to work while a looping recording of Sylar, Samson and Ted sit in the cell.
Micah opens the door to the cell.
Sylar, Samson, Ted: ...
Micah: Now's your chance! You guys have to escape while you can.
They look at each other.
Molly is waiting in another room, Arthur pops in.
Arthur: Molly, why isn't Micah with you?...
He thinks for a moment.
Arthur: He's with the prisoners.
Molly: Sylar was wanting some water, so he ran back to get him a glass.
Arthur: Ah...fine. When he gets back, I need you two to meet me in my office. We're leaving soon.
Molly: ...
Arthur walks by security screen showing Samson, Ted and Sylar sitting in the cell.
Samson (To Micah): Why can't you guys escape?
Micah: Arthur knows our location. At least this will give you a head start. Linderman wants us for some reason and we have to see it through. If you can find a way to restore your powers you can come back for us. But you have to go now!
Sylar: I appreciate this Micah. It almost makes me feel guilty for all those times I tried to kill you.
Micah: Uh huh...thanks.
Ted: We'll come back as soon as we get our powers back. It really bites not having them at a time like this.
Sylar: Oh, boo hoo! I haven't had powers in like, 4 Seasons! You're not getting any sympathy from me.
Tracy is walking down the hallway, she reaches the locked door.
Ando: You can't go in there. It's locked.
Tracy stifles a quick laugh.
Tracy places her hand on the doorknob as it turns into ice. She slams the palm of her hand on the knob, shattering it. She pushes the door open.
Tracy: Easy peasy.
Tracy turns her attention to what was in the room. Mohinder and Nathan look up at her.
Nathan (gagged): MMPH! MRRPH!
Tracy: Nathan?
Tracy gets clubbed from behind, knocking her unconscious.
Ando: Of course you knock out the one WITH powers.
A guard knocks Ando out.
Ando: You…didn't have…to do that…..I would have cooperated…..(Fall)
Adam steps in, holding the club. His guards follow him in.
Adam: Where in blazes where you two? I have to do all this by myself. Gather them up; we leave for the complex in an hour.
Guard: We're going to the complex, sir?
Adam: Yes, I just said that...ugh, I hate it when people do that.
Adam grabs a bag off the table.
Adam: Take them there, I'll meet up shortly. I have a missing package to obtain.
Adam abruptly turns around and exits through the door. He steps back out.
Adam: Linen closet...maybe it's this one.
Adam opens another door.
Adam: Why do I TWO linen closets? Where is the door back to the hallway? God, I hate this place!
Elsewhere, Niki and The Haitian get washed up to shore. Niki coughs and comes to. The Haitian is still passed out.
Niki: Crap, we lost the boat.
Niki stands up and stretches.
Niki: Oh, crap, I hope the others got to the boat.
Niki turns around to find a gun in her face.
Niki: GUH!
She doesn't recognize the man holding the gun.
Niki: Listen, pal, our boat just sank.
Voice: Funny thing, that wasn't your boat.
Niki: ….
Behind the man steps out Linderman.
Niki: Ehhh….
Linderman: You have some explaining to do, Miss Sanders.
Niki: …
To Be Continued