ClaireFanGirl007
Author of 47 Stories
Rated: M - English - Romance/Adventure - Claire B. & Sam W. - Reviews: 6 - Published: 02-15-10 - Complete - id:5748989
Disclaimer: I don't own Sam. Don't sue me.
A/N: As many of you know, I'm kind of a big Clam shipper, so needless to say, Sam vs. The Mask pissed me off. I mean, what the hell? Since when does Sam act like that? And could they please be a little consistent with Claire's character? I didn't even recognize that girl at the end! And don't even get me started on Shannon and Agent Haas. Ugh. I mean, I guess Kristin Kreuk is cute enough. God knows if I was still on the market, I wouldn't kick her out of bed. But Brandon Routh is absolutely made of wood. He makes Keanu Reaves look like Lawrence Olivier, for crying out loud. Anyway, this was my response to how The Mask should be resolved. Hope you enjoy it, and please review.
~*~
Removing the Mask
When Claire felt the strong hands of her fellow agent grip her shoulders, she knew it was wrong. It was all wrong. That conversation with Sam in the Fortress hallway had been wrong, and now, being alone with Haas, and him touching her was wrong. Not to mention the live feed of the Best Buy, showing Sam with his tongue down Shannon's throat was wrong.
What brought this all on? When had things turned to shit?
"Stop touching me," Claire said in a low, dangerous tone.
Haas looked at her, confused. "What are you talking about?" he asked, not removing his hands from her shoulders.
Obviously, he wasn't getting the point, so Claire decided to make herself clear. She reached up with lightning fast reflexes, and grabbed the other agent's hand, twisting it hard, at an awkward angle. The delightful sound of bone snapping, and Haas crying out in surprise and pain was her reward.
"I said get your filthy hands off me," she repeated strongly.
"But – but, I thought…"
"You thought wrong, bitch!" Claire yelled. "My body belongs to Sam, and he's the only one that gets to touch me like that, understood?"
Haas didn't answer right off, causing Claire to further twist his already broken wrist. Tears were beginning to spring to his eyes. He was such a fucking baby. It was nice to see that non-expressive stoic smirk of his disappear in favor showing actual human emotion, though. Pain is an emotion, right?
"I asked you a question, you piece of shit!" Claire boomed.
"Yeah, yeah, I got you," Haas said through clenched teeth. "Just please, let my hand go!"
Claire smiled in victory. "Good. Now if you don't mind, I have other business to take care of."
Haas was clearly only interested in his own pain as Claire turned to walk out of Fortress, but he did manage to ask her where she was going.
"I'm going to get rid of a slutty brunette midget," Claire said determinedly.
"Oh," was all Haas said, as he continued to rub his broken wrist. Claire didn't know why he was rubbing it. That wouldn't make the pain stop. He either needed to pop it back into place, or cut it off. Either one would be more effective than rubbing it. But it wasn't her problem. She had her own useless parts to get rid off, this one named Shannon.
~*~
Claire gracefully, but quickly made her way through the Best Buy, back to the home stereo room, where Sam and Shannon…well, she didn't want to think about what they were doing.
She kicked the door open, causing both occupants to jump in surprise and panic. One of them (the one without a Y chromosome) had reason to panic. Claire was a dangerous bitch, especially when someone else was infringing on her territory.
"Get your hands off of him, you two-bit whore!" Claire shrieked. "He's mine!"
"You dumped him!" Shannon yelled in reply.
"I did not dump him! He dumped me! But that's not important. What's important is, I'm taking back what is rightfully mine. Namely, Sam," Claire said. She was not backing down. Not now.
"Oh yeah? How do you plan on doing that? I don't want to fight you, but I will if I have to," Shannon said.
"Oh, then bring it on, bitch!"
Sam interrupted the little spat. "Shannon, you really, really don't want to do that," he warned the brunette.
"Why not? She doesn't look that tough," Shannon said. And that was exactly what Claire wanted to hear. She didn't want the other woman afraid. Scared people tend to run, and it's hard to kill people when they're running. Still possible, but more effort than it's worth.
Then Shannon did something wholly unexpected. She slapped Claire. She slapped her right across the face. And that was a mistake the shorter woman didn't want to make.
Deftly pulling a Viper throwing knife from her ankle sheath, Claire, in one swift motion jammed the sharp object into Shannon's gut.
The look of shock and pain and panic registered on the face of Claire's adversary. Obviously she didn't see that coming. Obviously she didn't know who the hell she was dealing with.
"You…you stabbed me," Shannon said weakly, as blood poured from her wound.
Claire laughed. "Yeah, I did. Now I'm going to gut you like a trout," she said, pulling the blade upwards, until Shannon's insides began to protrude from the now gaping hole in her skin.
Claire then watched with pleasure as the life drained from the eyes of the skank that would have taken her man. Then finally, when Shannon had taken her last breath, the blonde wiped her blade and her hands on the shirt of the corpse.
"So that was fun," Claire said nonchalantly.
"You killed her!" Sam said, shocked.
"Yeah, I did," Claire answered with a shrug. "Now, you're free for the rest of the night. So am I. Let's go have sex, Sam."
~*~
A/N: So what did you think? Was that a good way to resolve this whole stupid "love interests" thing, or what? Leave me a review and let me know. Oh, and be forewarned, I don't take kindly to flames, and I can find out where you live. That is all. Have a great day!
Review alert for "Removing the Mask" a Sam fic
From LanaLangFTW
Normally, I'm a pretty big fan of your work, CFG. You have a way with words that not many people here on this site can match. You seem to love writing smut (seriously, like the only writer here where every story ends in sex), you have an impressive way of describing violence (it's like you know what you're talking about, things can get so vivid sometimes), and you are one of the best and most consistent Clam shippers on FF (I can really tell that you just love Clam), but I have to admit this one-shot of yours left me really upset!
It had all of your usual stuff, but then you had to go and kill Shannon! Why!? I'll tell you why...it's because you're just jealous! What did Shannon ever do to Claire except be prettier and be a better match for Sam than Claire ever will? Shannon never did anything wrong! And she was cute as hell! But noooo, you couldn't stand to let somebody be better than your "precious" Claire, somebody smarter, and funnier (OMG, Claire is never funny, she's like a robot!), and cooler (she's not lame like Claire!), and...and...prettier! That can't be said enough, KK is so much hotter than the average YS. And she and ZL have so much better chemistry than he does with YS. I never really realized it until now, but when you think about it, Shannon is a much better match for Sam than Claire, and you ruined that! Why couldn't Shannon just be allowed to ride off into the sunset, huh!?
I mean, this story didn't even make sense! Yeah, Sam vs. The Mask was a crappy episode, but do you know why it was crappy? It was because of Claire! She's the one who deserved to die. The way she kept telling Agent Haas no, no, no, and then randomly turned around and told him yes, all because he saved her life?! OMG! How big of a stupid slut is she!? Does she have no self-respect? No standards? How can she be so inconsistent? I was really disappointed when I saw you did nothing in this story to explain that, you just wanted to pick on poor Shannon. Normally, you write Claire as really strong and independent, doesn't need to take any crap from anybody, and you don't do that here. Oh sure, you had her break Haas's wrist, but that was it!? After everything he did, acting like such a creeper, and you only break his *wrist*? How come Haas gets to live but Shannon had to die? I know, it's because you're sexist, that's why!
By the way, Shannon would have so kicked Claire's ass if she hadn't cheated (KK has months of martial arts training that she did for that cinematic masterpiece: Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li). I don't know why you didn't show that.
This didn't even have your normal quality. Maybe I could have put up with it if it were better writing, but some of it was just...not very good. I wonder why that is? Oh I know, it's probably because you were too busy imagining all the different ways Agent Haas and Claire could have sex behind Sam's back! I can't think of any other reason you would have kept him alive but killed the adorable Shannon.
Okay, but I did really like this line: "I'm going to get rid of a slutty brunette midget," Claire said determinedly. It made me feel bad because I laughed so hard. Oh, and this line was pretty good too: "I said get your filthy hands off me," she repeated strongly. But I feel like you really missed out on an opportunity there to make a Planet of the Apes joke.
But you know what was maybe the worst part about this whole story? You said it was "M" but you never had any sex! I couldn't believe it, a CFG story that didn't have a smut scene? You could have least thrown us Shannon fans a frickin' bone here, but all you did was have a totally unnecessarily graphic gutting and that was it! Where was my smut, damn it!? And to have Claire and Sam talking about sex while standing over Shannon's still bleeding body was just wrong.
Oh, and I don't want to name names or make wild accusations, but I thought the end of this story was remarkably similar to the end of another story I read a while back in the Sam archives. I'm not saying you plagiarized or anything, I'm just saying...think about it.
So yeah, not my favorite story of yours, CFG, but I'm willing to give you another chance. You just need to get back in the groove, and maybe if you somehow brought Shannon back, that would be awesome. ;-)
Review Reply from ClaireFanGirl007
What the fuck, dude? You always support me. And have you not been watching the show? I mean, I admitted that KK is very cute. Hell, I'd screw her ears off if I didn't have a boyfriend. But that said, you just DON'T talk about Claire like that! And lay off Yvonne. You really should respect the dead. I mean, it's totally possible that she deserved her fate, but that doesn't mean you should belittle her like that. She makes the goddamn show, alright? And all the fans are pissed off right now with what's happening, not just me! And…you know what, I don't even know what else to say to you. Thank you for reviewing, I guess =(
Review alert for "Removing the Mask" a Sam fic
From Liam2
Man, I don't know where to begin. Actually, I do know. This fic blew. Hard. The prose was weak and repetitive in its wording. The characters were so far out in left field. Seriously, do you really think people want to read about a Claire that kills people at the slightest whim and has no further goal in life than to "plow" Sam? Maybe if you took the time to understand the point of the Haas and Shannon characters is to make the inevitable union between Sam and Claire that much more profound, you would come up with a better plotline. That, and if you took the time to create more realistic endings (i.e., endings that DON'T involve Claire killing someone and begging to be plowed), your overall quality would improve. Of course, another suggestion would be to simply STOP WRITING.
Review Reply from ClaireFanGirl007
Why are you being so mean to me? I love your writing, Liam. I think you're one of the best in the fandom! I'm just trying to do something different. Something I thought people would like. How can you defend Haas and Shannon? I mean, yeah, KK is alright, I guess, but Brandon Routh is the void in which all good performances disappear. And you never give Wepdiggy shit for writing about a violent, sex obsessed Claire. You laud his work! I'm really sad right now =(
Review alert for "Removing the Mask" a Sam fic
From Mikki13
Wow. Okay, I don't want to be mean, but that really sucked. Have you even watched the show? Claire would never just up and kill those two. And besides that, she should consider herself lucky. Face it: she's kinda ugly. That blonde hair is totally fake, and her eyes are too close together. She's totally lucky to even get looked at by a guy as hot and amazing as Haas.
And Sam and Claire do not belong together. Come on, he can so do better than her. A spy who works in food service?! Please. She's not even a good spy. I'm so glad Sam's found Shannon. Now that's a cute couple.
Hon, you should seriously stop writing fanfiction. Really, you have, like, no talent. Don't feel bad; we're not all writers. But if I have to read another piece like this, I just may spork out my eyes. Or worse. Thanks for trying, though!
Review Reply from ClaireFanGirl007
Mikki? I thought we were friends. When we met at Samfest, you agreed with everything I said about the show. Remember when we hung around the bar, and we met Schwartz and Fedak? And I told them if they kept fucking with Clam that I would kill them in their sleep? And you laughed! I mean, I was dead serious, but I was happy that I could make you laugh, because I thought we really hit it off.
You still have a picture of me, you and Yvonne (RIP) on your Facebook, for crying out loud! And you're the biggest Clam shipper of them all…well, besides maybe ndnickerson/Ulstergirl. Why…I don't know why you're saying these things. Claire would totally kill for Sam. She loves him, and that's what you do for people you love! I really wish you hadn't left me that review =(
Review alert for "Removing the Mask" a Sam fic
From Wepdiggy
Come on CFG, what the hell? I mean, as you know, I'm not adverse to a slightly OOC Claire, or even a violent, sex obsessed Claire, for that matter. I've made a lot of fans writing just that, as a matter of fact. But honestly, this just wasn't good.
Why did Claire have a sudden change of heart? I mean, you complain that her character isn't consistent in your A/N, then you go onto make her even less consistent.
Further, your ending was just pretty much the same ending to my original one-shot in the Adorable Psycho series. And clearly I don't mind lending that version of the character out. Heck, four other authors have written a story with her (and there's another on the way), but if you're going to lift my work, you could at least give me a mention.
So in summary, I thought your latest fic was blatant plagiarism, done very poorly. Maybe it's time to give up the writing?
Review Reply from ClaireFanGirl007
Wep? Seriously? You're the KING of writing OOC Claire and all, but I didn't plagiarize you at all, you piece of shit! I can't give you any details, but my story was based on a true story of someone I know! So you know what I want from you? You better give me a public apology. I'll expect it on the TWoP Kicked Us Out… forum very soon. Oh, and a chapter of Sam the College Years, too. I'll be very disappointed if you don't give me what I want, and trust me, you don't want me to be disappointed.
Review alert for "Removing the Mask" a Sam fic
From gleeFoEva
OMG hw cn u rite sumtin lik this?!?! ur soooo stupid, its obvious that claire/haas r lik, teh BEST PAIRING EVAR!!!!!11 jus bcuz u think claire shuld b wit sam (that was lik sooooo ovr las season, btw) doesnt mn u cn jus kill off whoevr stands in there way!!! i mean srsly, BR is sooo HOTT, ur jus hatin bcuz he n YS obviously hav a CONNECTION (claires such a b&%$^ to sam neway, he doesnt deserv a slut lik her!!!) n how cn u do that to shannon?!?!? wat did she evr do 2 u, huh?!?! KK is so sweet (in fact even if u were stil on the market she wuldnt want to b wit u neway...shes not a lezbo lik u!) n she n sam belong togethr!!!
btw this was mai fav ep of the series n u jus ruined a gud ep wit ur stupid story...u cn jus cry urself 2 sleep n die bcuz the riters dont lisn 2 crzy clam shippers lik u neway!!! lololol u dont no where i live so SUCK IT!!!!!!!!!1
Review Reply from ClaireFanGirl007
First of all, holy shit, learn to write! Secondly, you couldn't be more wrong! You could try, but you would fail. Clam is the only part of the show that is worth watching. God, how I love Clam. But anyway, I don't appreciate your personal attacks, you shit head. And also, in case you haven't heard, Kristin Kreuk will be GONE after the next episode, so who would Sam be with then, huh? Do you think he deserves to be alone? Same reminds me a lot of my own boyfriend. Like, a LOT. So are you saying that MY Chuck deserves to be alone, too? Because I've killed people for less.
Okay, I'm actually crying now because of all the mean reviews I've gotten. Is that what you wanted? Did you want me to cry, because you got it, you bitch! As for where you live, well, Ms. Tiffany Monroe, of Florence Moore East (seriously? They let you into Stanford with…whatever the hell that was? Because I've never been happier that I went to school back east than I am right this second), I know where you live. I've seen where you sleep, and when I make a journey to the northern part of our state, you've made my list, whore! When I find you, I'm going to cut out your heart, and make you eat it…then before you die, I'm going to make you shit out your heart, then eat the shit that is made up of your heart, that I already made you eat. Then after I do that, all the other flaming mother fuckers on this site are next!
Love,
Sarah
Review alert for "Removing the Mask" a Sam fic
From CFGfanboy1980
Hey, CFG. Listen, don't let all these naysayers get you down. I think your writing was great, just as it always is. I look forward to everyone of your updates, and this was no exception. Was it a little more violent than your usual efforts? Sure, but it's nice to see you branch out. And further, this is just fan fiction, and it's the perfect place to explore new and interesting ideas like this one.
You seem to me to be a smart, very funny lady, and I'm sure whoever your boyfriend/husband/significant other is, that he knows he's a lucky guy to have someone like you. Thank you so much for sharing something unique with us, the readers!
Review Reply from ClaireFanGirl007
Wow. Okay, I was getting a little down after some of the reviews I'd gotten, I'll admit. But this one totally brightened my day. You sir, are a godsend, and you made me very, very happy. LOL, I have the biggest smile on my face right now. I don't even know what else to say. Just…thank you, so, so much for the kind words, I'm glad you liked the story, and thanks for the review! =D
Epilogue
During, what Chuck thought, was a routine trip to Northern California, Sarah snuck out of their hotel room and paid a visit to Mikki13. To Sarah's delight, Mikki13 was having a get-together for many "Sam" fan fiction authors. gleeFoEva was there, as were Wepdiggy (surprising he'd made the trek all the way from South Carolina, but a relief, as it saved Sarah one very long trip), and LanaLangFTW. "Sam The College Years", "Sam vs. The Double Agent", "A Collection of Dates", and "Sam vs. The Closet Gleek" were never updated again. While LanaLangFTW was let off relatively easy, being killed quickly with a shot between the eyes, the other three suffered much worse fates. They're still finding parts of Wepdiggy scattered all over the Bay Area.
As for Liam2, his death was neither neat, nor clean. Getting close to him wasn't easy for Sarah, as the sonofabitch lived halfway across the country in frakkin' Missouri. Luckily, once she was able to make it out, getting his attention hadn't been hard. Turns out he was a sucker for a pretty lady like Sarah, and getting him back to his place where she could torture and kill him in private had been incredibly easy. She was sad, of course, that "Road to Innocence" would never again be updated, nor would "Claire the Vampire Slayer", but it was worth it to watch the life drain from his mean, stupid eyes.
As for CFGfanboy1980, well, when Sarah was tracking down all of her flamers, just out of curiosity, she decided to find out who her biggest supporter was, as well. When the results of her search came back, she was both shocked, and happy. Or something greater than happy, whatever that is.
CFGfanboy1980 turned out to be none other than one Charles I. Bartowski. Once she discovered that her husband-to-be was her biggest supporter, Sarah immediately pulled him into their bedroom to thank him properly for always being there for her.
Cast of characters:
Liam2 as himself
Mikki13 as herself
crystal elements as gleeFoEva
and
MXPW as LanaLangFTW
Also a special thanks to Malamoo for giving me the idea for Sarah's fic.
A/N: Okay, as I said before, this was more like a bonus chapter than anything to further the story. I hope you enjoyed the unique style with which this was written. Oh! And for anyone interested, on top of giving ME a review, or instead of, feel free to review Sarah's fic. For everyone that reviews Sarah's fic as if it were the actual story, you'll receive a personalized reply from the Adorable Psycho herself! Anyway, thanks for reading, and I can't wait to see what you thought. You guys are awesome. Peace.