To reply to what was said in a review. It's not just that easy for people suffering gender dysphoria to remain homosexual, in their birth bodies. It is truly a matter of life or death to them. There are studies that show that there is actually a large population of people who suffer gender dysphoria that do not go through with surgeries. They start taking their hormones, and officially change their genders, but to not have the original body parts altered/removed in any way. But there are also the handful that want it all gone, so they don't have to worry about it anymore.

And I'm sorry if this sounds mean...but people who are not suffering this, do not honestly understand what a person can go through. People who do suffer this, end up in a depression state for the rest of their lives if nothing is done to take measures to correct the problem. It is considered a disease...and what do you do when you have the flu for example. You take medicine to fix it. What do you do when you suffer hypothermia and lose all use of your hand, you have surgery to remove it, so you don't have to suffer mentally each and every time you look at it.

I hope this explained a little bit to those of you who do not truly understand what Haruka's going through in this story.

Struggle

June 26, 1998 - Friday

I just got home this morning. I must say, this is one of the strangest feelings I've ever had. I had my top surgery two days ago. I wanted to come home yesterday, but they wouldn't let me. They said they needed to keep me for more observation. Just to make sure I didn't have a reaction to any of the medication they'd given me. I've got these two drainage tubes on either side, they placed them under the muscle of my chest to drain out and buildup that comes from healing. I've got an appointment in a little over a week for him to check everything and hopefully, if everything's going well, take these out.

I've already gotten them caught on a few things, and them being tugged on, is not the best feeling I've ever had. It helps that I've got the bandages on because of the stitches and such, it keeps pressure on the tubes to keep them from being tugged as much. They still hurt though.

They gave me some kind of pain killer...thing is, I don't need it though. I don't hurt at all. All of the nurses thought I was lying to them whenever they asked me if I wanted some medicine. So of course, they gave it to me anyway. Because, according to them, there's no way a person could go through 5 hours worth of surgery and not be in any pain the next day.

Michiru's not leaving my side either. Even after I told her I didn't need help climbing the steps after we got home. She still walked right behind me, supporting my back. I had chest surgery, not hip-replacement. But I guess it's just her way of showing how much she cares. She's even going to make dinner for us for the next few nights.

July 7, 1998 - Tuesday

Never have I felt so much pain before in my life...Well...except maybe when I broke my arm from a racing accident. I met with the surgeon today, he removed the drainage tubes from under the muscles, he's pleased with how quickly I'm healing. I told him that I've always been like this. He still has me on anti-biotics and pain killers. The anti-biotics are only until they run out, the pain killers are for another three weeks or so. The incisions are only a little tender. Whenever Michiru hugs me they sting a little bit, but I can't tell her that, she wouldn't want to hug me until the stitches are completely dissolved.

I'll be allowed back to work next week. The whole team is worried about me, they know about my surgery and what I'm going through. I got a "get well soon" basket while I was in the hospital. Jiro brought it in for me, it was from the entire team, even a few of the league owners signed the card. This change isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.

July 20, 1998 - Monday

Michiru's staying with one of her friends for a few days. I dont' know what's wrong with me anymore. It's like I have so much anger built up inside. All the anger that I was never able to let out before all of this started happening. I don't know what it was that made me finally snap, but I did. And instead of just going for a walk or a drive, I told my precious Michiru to go to hell and that she couldn't possibly understand what I'm going through.

How could she understand, she's happy being a woman. I know she tries, but she just can't. I know she wants to be there for me. I can't even let her watch my give myself my hormone injections. That's a part of me that I want to hide from her. I know that someday I'll have to show her how to give them to me...just in case something were to happen. But not right now. I'm not ready to show her yet.

September 6, 1998 - Sunday

Michi and I talked. We decided that she's going to go with me when I meet with Dr. Sato on the 28th. Maybe talking with him will help her to understand things more. I'm sure he could explain it in a different way then I could. And I could ask him about my anger problems. I don't want anything to happen between Michiru and I. I'd be lost without her. I'm so afraid of snapping at her again. And I'm afraid that the next time, will be the last time. I know I'd never hurt her physically, but I'm afraid of pushing her away mentally.