Chapter 7: bloodwork
Maybe you can give her something to help her sleep.
I've tried that a few times. It seems a drug-induced fatigue is the only thing strong enough to actually keep her asleep. But she is still so afraid to lose consciousness at all.
Does the wolf still only come out at night?
Yes. Usually. Although daytime incidents are occurring more often.
And her tests are revealing nothing?
Well, no. Her blood work doesn't show anything drastic. It doesn't look like her mutation is advancing in any way. Just the usual. Of course I will continue with that, but I think what in reality may be occurring is that she doesn't have control over her powers.
Weren't you saying she has too much control?
Well yes. I guess her intense control over herself has backfired in a way. It's like you suggested earlier. She pushed away so much of herself to have control as Rahne that those thoughts and feelings are looking for a way out in anyway possible.
That would also explain why her wolf persona only comes out when she sleeps. It's the only time she lets her guard down.
Exactly. Which worries me. Now that she transforms when she is awake, I fear it's becoming another personality entirely separated from 'Rahne'. The struggle between her two selves was already taking shape the night I found her. Her two sides fought for control of the same body while both were conscious. This explains the constant transformations she experienced that night as well as the hybrid form I found her in.
You know this could mean serious psychological problems for her. If it is the case, then I don't see how medication would improve anything. It seems her mental status is what's really important now.
Medicating sleep is the only way she gets any rest. She refuses to on her own, and even when she does she spends most of the night awake as the wolf. But, you're right. If anything, the medication is just making the situation worse. Medicating her is forcing even more control on Rahne.
I suppose what we need to do is find someway to merge her two personalities again. Of course this would best be done through human Rahne. If there was someway we could slowly incorporate a few of her wolf qualities into her normal self. Then she could utilize her wolf and hybrid forms without that sort of hostile takeover in her mind. If her wolf side were not pushed away constantly, there would be no need for it to force itself to be separate from Rahne's control.
Nice theory Charles. But easier said then done.
If you wish, I could fly out there to help her through this. I've faced a somewhat similar situation before.
No. This is nothing like Jean. You can't just lock part of her away if things don't work out. It's not just power you're talking about.
Of course. You're right. I'm sure there won't even be a need for such talk. Things will work out.
… And if they don't?
They will, Moira. Have a little faith.
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"Good morning, Rahne. How are you feeling today?" Moira stands at the table of her lab, prepping her needles with white gloves as if she were playing the part of Doctor in any typical hospital movie.
"Fine, ma'am." Rahne stands at the entrance to the lab. Her arms cross in front of her chest defensively, like she needs protect herself from the outside world while simultaneously keeping that world safe by holding her own self safely locked away. She stands just inches from the edge of the two door doorframe to keep herself from blocking the passageway for no one in particular and also refusing to contaminate the surroundings with her presence. She looks exhausted with dark spots around her eyes but the thought of needles keeps her well alert. She watches the back of Moira's brown head.
"Fine." Moira doesn't take her eyes of her equipment. She quirks as eyebrow. "Really?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Okay. I'm sorry about all this testing. I'm just going to take a little bit of blood today. Then maybe we can go into town and have a real breakfast. It's very polite of you to eat what we have here, but I know I'm not any kind of a cook."
"Maybe I can stay here?"
She finally turns around to look at Rahne, but Rahne's eyes automatically glance elsewhere. "Oh, sure." She puts down the needle and pats a spot on the examination table. "Here. Why don't you pop on up here and we can get started." Rahne, like always, does as she is told. Moira raises her sleeve and Rahne flinches slightly at the stranger's cold rubbery touch. Moira proceeds to delicately prep the area and Rahne scrunches her nose in a silent protest to the strong smell of alcohol emanating from her arm.
"That's a really pretty cross."
Rahne raises her right arm to her chest and gently touches the piece. "Thank you, ma'am."
"It's slightly worn. Did you ever think about getting another one?"
"No. My mother left it to me."
The next few moments pass in awkward silence.
"Okay. We're almost done here," she says as the tube slowly fills with the dark liquid. Rahne makes a point not to look at the piece of metal in her arm that drains part of her life away or the woman that takes it.
Moira takes a hand and brushes one of Rahne's short locks behind her ear. Rahne purposely ignores it. But as she places her hand on Rahne's shoulder, Rahne suddenly turns her head. The quick move doesn't startle Moira but the fact that the lower half of Rahne's face is now stretched out into a tooth filled snout does.
Before Moira can react Rahne pounces and her teeth sink into the flesh of Moira's upper arm. Moira looks with fear into Rahne's eyes. Eyes that are still very much human and slowly Rahne changes back.
Slightly confused she wipes her mouth with her hand. A hand that is now streaked with Moira's blood. Her own arm drips red and the vial once attached to it lies shattered on the sterile floor.
Moira tears off the sleeve of her white lab coat and uses it to blot the blood flowing from her arm. The contrast of red to white makes the injury look worse than it is. She quickly finds some gauze and using her one free hand and her own teeth, ties it around the wound to stop the bleeding. As she does this she hears a loud clatter. She looks up to see a clutter of her instruments strewn across the floor and Rahne holding one of the scalpels in a bloody hand. Her hand shakes visibly as she holds the blade up to her neck.
"What are you doing Rahne?" Moira cautiously gets up to her knees.
"I'm sorry I hurt you. I didn't mean to." The tears form in Rahne's eyes.
"It's okay." Moira stands now with her hands raised. "Nothing happened. I'm fine." She emphasizes her bandaged arm to show the girl that it isn't bad. "See? Can you put the knife down now?"
"No." Her voice quakes.
"Rahne please. Think about what you're doing."
"I am."
"Don't do this."
"I don't think it's really suicide. It's like sacrifice. Like Jesus," she justifies but Moira isn't exactly sure which one of them it is meant for.
"I don't understand. I know you don't want to do this."
"I don't, but it's the only way to get rid of the demon." The knife in her bloody shaking hand slips slightly and Rahne grips it tighter. Her knuckles start turning white.
"What demon?" Moira asks confused.
"The demon!" she screams. "Inside me." How could she not get it? Rahne chuckles lightly at her predicament. "A wolf in sheep's clothing." The Lord can't be your Shepard if you're not really a sheep, can He?
"Rahne?" Moira inches forward hoping the mood changes provide enough of a distraction.
"Stop!" Rahne points the knife toward the doctor threateningly and roughly dabs at the moist skin around her eyes and wipes her nose with her other hand. "Don't get any closer."
"That's right Rahne. I need you to yell. There is no demon."
"No! There is." She brings the blade back up to her throat and begins to slowly push down. "He possesses me. He turns me into that monster." A drop of blood escapes and runs down her neck until her shirt soaks it in.
"You were never a monster." Moira speaks as if talking to a young child, which at the moment Rahne seems to be in many ways. "You were just so quiet all the time your loud needed a way to get out."
"Shut up." Those words especially feel so awkward coming out of her mouth. So unlike anything she would've said a week ago. "You don't know what you're talking about. You don't know what it's like. That thing is not me." Nobody knew the hell she was going through.
"Don't hold it in. Tell me what you really think."
"What I think?" The few tears escape down her face. "I think God hates me."
Moira wasn't sure she ever believed in God but the comment saddens her more than she might ever realize. She sees the faith and devotion in Rahne's glistening eyes and it is unlike anything she ever imagined. And for a split second she feels something. Whether it be a pang of God or hope or what have you. She sees something in those eyes that makes her want to believe.
No longer trying to elicit a response from Rahne, she answers with complete sincerity. "God," the God she is so sure doesn't exist, "does not hate you."
"What are you talking about?" Angered by Moira's irrationality, she counters with her own logic. "I just said that He does!"
"It's a test Rahne. God only tests those who can handle it. Those who are worthy."
Rahne's knife wielding hand slowly starts to fall from her neck. She responds in a hushed child-like voice, "But He took my parents."
"Because He loved them."
Rahne raises her head to look at Moira. Their eyes connect in empathy if only for a moment. Moira watches as Rahne's eyes suddenly flash with anger again. "Why are you still talking?" She points at the doctor accusingly with the knife again. "I told you to stop talking!" Her voice reaches levels in pitch, volume, and strength that she never realized were possible.
"If you want me to stop talking then make me stop talking."
"I don't get it," she whines like a five-year old learning math. The knife making it's way back to her throat out of sheer desperation and frustration. "What do you want from me?"
"I want you to understand that you don't have to be something you don't want to be. You don't have to hurt yourself and you don't have to be in control all the time. It's okay to yell or be angry. You can like whatever it is you want to like. It's okay to not do your homework sometimes." Rahne's eyes shift as if she is looking around inside herself and Moira waits for Rahne to look at her again before continuing. "It's okay to miss your mother."
Her mother…
Rahne's arm falls. The sound of metal crashing echoes in the room as the scalpel clatters to the floor from her grip. Her head slumps down and she falls to her knees. "I do miss her," she whispers to herself. She sits on the cold tile floor. Moira's blood now outlines her face as Rahne catches her tears in her hands. The tiny sprinkling of tears flow into a steady stream running down her face. Her earlier inaudible cries become huge heaving sobs. Her body convulses awkwardly as she mourns all the things of her life.
Moira crawls along on the floor carefully avoiding the broken glass and fallen utensils as she makes her way over to the sobbing girl. She puts a hand on Rahne's head, much like a priest does to a parishioner, wishing she could bestow all the world's goodness onto her with just the touch. She can feel the girl heave under her touch. She wants to do so much but knows she can't. And as her mind races with a million thoughts as to how to proceed, her body simply pulls the girl into its arms in the kind of embrace everyone longs for if even far in the back of their minds. Maybe the first Rahne had ever felt. And she allows it.
And into the girl's shining red hair Moira whispers, "I know."
to mini wolfsbane - thanks for the review. really. i got pretty discouraged more than a couple chapters ago. i'm not even sure why i kept going but now i'm glad i did. it really is too bad that there is no serious market for rahne stories in any verse. but i've got some more plans for her. here's hoping
next chapter - the invisible man. the mummy. the wolf girl. the end.
self-explanatory, no?