You must think me quite pathetic at this point, and yes, I was instantly taken with this man and I still to be honest can't pinpoint what exactly about him made my heart stop and tummy curl. He wasn't my type. That's what I tried to tell myself. I liked rash, confident and younger men, boys really. The type I could go to concerts with and take home with the pleasure of pissing off my mother with their tattoos and inappropriate piercings. I wanted loud and fun, always had and no one expected any less of me. Yet, this prematurely aged, very sensible and near totally mother-material man had captured all of my senses and I hadn't looked at anybody else in months.

The kiss, I'm sure you can gather, did nothing at all to help make this situation better. I became totally transfixed on thinking about Remus, about what I did to cause his sudden departure. I took to traipsing around Grimmauld place to speak to him, only to disappear with a squeak behind a random door whenever I heard someone approaching lest it be him. I had invariably lost my edge.

On one such occasion I found myself hiding in the upstairs drawing room after mystery footsteps , I had just leant against the door, my heart pounding and cursing myself on my cowardice (after all I was meant to be a brave grown up dark wizard catcher), when I heard the creak of the landing. To my absolute horror the handle of the room moved, and I was forced to jump back and lean very unconvincingly nonchalant against the low velvet sofa. It resulted in me stumbling and wanting to cry.

''Tonksie?''

The name itself made my heart jump. Not, Dora and not dreaded Nymphadora but the very personal nickname of Sirius'. I looked up at his face with a (hopefully) passive face, smiling widely and saying hello. He didn't look much too convinced, not that blame him really.

''You know, weird stuff's being happening around here-'' he said it airily, that look in his eye telling me was he was enjoying this far too much. As if to prove my point he barely waited for me to stutter out an obvious false question before he continued. ''Doors upstairs shutting just as I'm on the stairs, a disappearance of you whenever anyone enters a room and at least four times in the last three days iv sworn someone else has been in the house, but when I look there's no one there.''

''Certainly strange- weird as you said.'' I shrugged and looked away to hide my flaming temper. There was absolutely no need for him to rub it in so much.

''Why do you think these things are happening? Or rather what are you up to Nymphadora Tonks?'' he walked over, coming too close so he could tap the tip of my nose with his finger before falling heavily onto the sofa. I watched the small dust cloud collect before moving to sit on the opposite sofa.

So I had been rumbled. By the intelligence of Sirius, of all people, the one who flicks between very perceptive and ignorant as mud. Had to catch him on the week of alertness didn't I? Feeling like a failure to the desperate teaching of Mad-Eye Moody in the stealth and tracking, I perched on the edge of my seat playing with my hands and for the first time in my life being very careful about my wording.

''I've just been enjoying my time alone lately, and it's the smart thing to not get too attached to anyone in the Order.'' In fairness he listened to my awful excuses, looking at me like he was ashamed if I was being honest and amused if it were a cover up story. After a second of deliberation he looked up.

''In other words something happened between you and Remus three days ago that you're not telling me?'' He leant back, the agape fish mouth expression I was giving him proving every word he said was true.

An irritated part of me was vexed that he knew this and still let me think that I had a chance to lie my way through to a less awkward conversation. Now I had to face having lied and perhaps spill what was on my mind. However, another part of me, the more rational part thought about this much more positively. Sirius knew Remus better than anyone else in the order, probably even the world. Surly he would decode the strange dealings of Lupin's mind and help to make sense of why he totally blew me off after the perfect kiss.

Wait, what if only I thought the kiss was good? What if I'm a subpar kisser and no one ever told me because it might hurt my feelings? Oh god, I bet I'm too into it- or slobbery. I'm the slobbery crappy kisser! Kill me now. Poor bloke hated kissing me and now he has to put me down so that I don't get my hopes up.

Only, he said after the kiss that he was fond of me. I mean fond wasn't the strongest of adjectives. It could easily mean that he found me pleasant company, that I was funny and he appreciated my blind attempts to cheer Sirius up whenever I was around. Or, and this is a big or, it could mean that he liked me too-that like me, he had a big old crush on the pink haired weirdo. Dare I hope for it to be the latter? Surely that would be the most soul-crushing thing- to talk myself into thinking that he liked me when all he meant was that I told alright jokes sometimes.

''Earth to Tonksie.'' Sirius pinched my knee quite hard, ''look, I didn't know- well I wasn't certain- it involved you until I caught you hiding in a doxy infested drawing room with a look guiltier than Hagrid when dragons are mentioned.''

To be honest something in his voice made me believe him, but still I crossed my arms and exhaled loudly through my nose to defiantly point out that I wasn't saying anything. I was sure that if I started I wasn't going to stop. Then Sirius would know everything, tease me and leave little comments whenever we were in the same room. He seemed exasperated that I wasn't going to talk, brushing his hair off his face and leaning in with a quiet voice.

''See, Remus is being weird too. He won't even look at me and has only left his room for food…at night. It's like living with a sneaky house plant! He didn't do anything inappropriate did he? Didn't fight with you over something stupid and get all pompous thinking he was right?''

There it was the escape route, offered to me by my interrogator. All I had to do was say we had a right about werewolf rights or something like that, which was believable enough due to his sensitivity about these things, and I could leave to never be found out- say I was going to apologise and explain the cover story to Remus. But I couldn't do that, not to Sirius in his own house when he was already suffering so.

''No, nothing like that.'' I paused breathing for a second, ''we kissed.''

Sirius looked at me like he wasn't sure who exactly I was. Mercifully, he seemed somehow expectant of this news, contemplative really. I saw the serious expression settle defiantly into his face as each second ticked by, stretching into an awful silence.

''Ooh, Tonksie- what have you done?'' His voice was soft, so soft it was as if the words themselves were written in the air to be read rather than heard. Sirius shook his head slowly, raisng a hand to bite absently on the side of his thumb.

''I didn't do anything! He started it-''

''No, no- that's not what I meant.'' ''Moony, Remus doesn't kiss- not at least with anyone he could meet ever again-''

The man looked so bewildered that I was almost insulted that Sirius could be shocked anyone could find me amicable. But the other edge of this shock was the knowledge that this really was a rare occurrence, and anything that shocked Sirius was indeed big news. I had nothing to say, no smart comment to establish the usual grounding, so I left us float in awkward silence. Both staring and swallowing harshly until Sirius broke the silence with quiet amusement.

''Tonks, I think you broke through to him.''

I wasn't entirely sure what 'breaking through' was going to mean to my friendship with Remus. But as far as Sirius was concerned he kept his grave face and left the room, I heard his footsteps head upstairs back to Buckbeak. Maybe I was naïve where Remus was concerned, that I never knew how he detested people liking him because he seemed so naturally likeable. All I knew, for certain that was, was that dear Remus Lupin did not treat me like anyone else.

It's a strange sensation, though my heart swelled with happiness that I was different (even if I had detested being so half my life), another bigger part aware different isn't always positive. It was scary. Any normal person might allow a bit of time and space to think before confronting this problem, I however, am not normal and decided (impatiently) that I could never rest unless I confronted Remus right at that second.

I was going to talk to him, I decided. We were going to behave like adults (this was geared originally toward me) and re-establish the boundaries of either our friendship or our something-more-than-friendship. Really quite simple objectives. I have learnt in my life that basic aims lead to higher chance of success, due to the indestructability of coherent objectives as they are neither forgettable nor breakable. In other words they are water-tight, you do them or you fail. And I do not like to fail.

''Go away, Sirius.''

''It's not Sirius.''

''Oh, Dora.'' The door opened a fraction, a slither of his tired face came into view and he gazed just above my head on the opposite wall.

''I'm sorry, but I would like to be alone.''

''I need to talk to you.''

''I do not think that is advisable.''

''Fine! Well, I'll talk thorough the door then. Can you hear me or do you want me to raise my voice? Tell you what I'll shout shall I so Molly and Kreacher and Sirius can know all about how you kiss-''

The door swung open to a very annoyed Remus. He was in his pyjama bottoms and a woolly jumper that suggested he slept topless (I saved away this information), his cheeks tinged with a high pink colour and a sour face. I raised a smug eyebrow and entered the room by bending underneath his stretched arm.

Sitting cautiously on the edge of his bed, I thought about how close we were. How he carried me here to his bed so tenderly after my fall and stayed with me all night to talk and sleep. It seemed weird that a week ago all I had was an unrequited crush and necessary friendship with a man who now couldn't look at my face for kissing me.

He stood by the window, a face like a child in the office awaiting punishment, back against the wall and eyes averted to the floor. I wondered if he knew that this talk of ours was going to happen. I'm sure someone as clever as he did know, but often academic types are in reality very dumb when it comes to the blaringly obvious. If he was reluctant to talk at all, he must have been more reluctant to let me gain the higher ground, he began to mutter a bit of nothings at me about mistakes and drinks.

I cut him off then, very calmly mind you, though I felt like punching his stupid lying face. It's hard to be a witch and not believe in magic, but this kind of magic is more metaphorical, but even so I'm sure he felt it too. It was right, us kissing was right! Why couldn't he see that?

''I'm sorry- Dora. Dora, I can't stop myself – I, I-'' he stuttered at me, infuriatingly adorably. This I admit caught me off-guard, even more curiously it stopped all the animosity I felt toward him. The man sounded scared.

That's the kind of man he is, and this would of course creation problem upon problem for us one say. Remus was scared of accepting love, because that meant he had spent year upon year being wrong about himself. No, he wasn't allowed to accept love, lest he be thrown from his saint-like abstinence of care into the dark depths of the common folk. Oh, I'm being mean. Just- I wonder- if in this moment I had convinced him a bit better, if he had accepted me right then we would still be smiling.

''Remus, I don't want you to stop yourself,'' I implored, maybe a tad too desperately.

''I don't like the lack of control. I've never- I don't-'' he paused, hands running through his hair like a mad man, before he stopped looking me dead in the eye. ''I think I love you, Dora.''

And bam, my world ended.

I laughed. And thinking back now that maybe wasn't the appropriate reaction to a man declaring, in obvious discomfort, his love for you. He seemed to think so too because he sharply looked at me until he saw my crazed smile was covered by hands and I had unescapable tears running down my face. That's when he came closer, sitting next to me and staring equally stonily at the floor.

''I'll try not to love you. We'll go back to how we were.''

No words were going to do. I didn't learn that quick enough about Remus, that words are precious to him but he puts very little trust in them. Its actions you need, and some sixth sense told me this. Well, a sixth sense or raging hormones. I pressed my lips to him, wrapping my arms carefully around his neck and trying to pour everything I had in me to this man. His hands rested carefully on my hips, I felt them squeeze uncertain whether to push me off or pull me closer.

He settled for closer.