Title: Questioning Beliefs

Author: Maqeurious

Game: Dragon Age 2

Characters: F!Hawke/Sebastian

Months after the terrible events at Kirkwall, and the destruction of the Chantry and the Circle; Hawke disappeared. Disgusted at herself for killing Anders and on a path of destruction of her own, her only hope for death lies in the hands of her former companion, Sebastian. But Sebastian is a changed man too. With his faith in the Maker shaken and his life in the Chantry over, he is given the chance he has longed for since losing all he had.

Hawke wants death, and it's up to him to deliver.

Blades clash, as Sebastian and Hawke finally have it out!

The Guilt of Pleasure

The weight of the dagger in Sebastian's hand felt foreign to him. The hilt curved slightly around his rough palm comfortably enough, though it's chilly metal did nothing at all to quell the sickly feeling he had roiling around in his stomach like a bad thunderstorm. Hawke struggled in his grip, detaching herself from the security of his arms and took a few steps away from him. The frigid night air invaded the spot she once held, and he found himself aching for her warmth again.

Sebastian measured the distance between himself and the now stoic form of the Champion, her own hand clasping fiercely at her dagger. Any notion of jumping forward and springing a full on frontal assault vanished immediately. After spending six years fighting at Hawke's side, he knew her strengths, but could never quite grasp the holes in her defenses. Those, she kept a well guarded secret. She was strongest, however, when she faced her enemy head on. Her speed was unparalleled too, as was her flexibility. But, he possessed the reach she did not, and surmising that if he ducked and dodged in and out enough, he could attack before she had a chance to retaliate. Besides, even though Hawke was a master at wielding her twin blades, she only had one at her disposal now. Her offense was already severely halved - so that, in theory, could very well work to his advantage.

Sebastian felt his heart begin to thud wildy, the blood rushing in his veins as a spike of adrenaline shot through him. I cannot believe I am about to do this, he thought, his mind racing as he watched her. Why did I agree to be a part of this madness?

The answer came to him before he had the chance to shoo the nagging voice from his head. If he didn't do this, she would leave and he'd never see her again. And if that action had hurt him before, before he felt as he did now, he couldn't imagine the pain it would cause him a second time. He was still trying to figure out exactly how he felt about her, and he couldn't do that without her. He... he needed her by his side. So, could he kill her like she so desperately wanted? That answer was all too clear. No, he couldn't. And, he wouldn't.

In the faint light of the clearing, Sebastian stared Hawke down. She was moving now, hunching down low into a tense attack pose, and slowly started to take a few calculated sidesteps. She was like a stalking feline. Fierce and sleek. Her eyes, though shadowed by the night, still glowed with an intense concentration that actually scared him a little. He'd seen that look on her face a great many times, usually right before she killed whoever was standing in her way. He couldn't allow himself to get distracted now though. Too much was riding on this to let himself be intimidated.

Sebastian found himself mimicking her movements, and for a few minutes they circled each other – sizing each other up. The dagger in her right hand gleamed in the scant light as she expertly twirled it several times around her fingers. Then as quick as lightening, and without warning, she charged him.

Hawke lunged, crossing the gap between them in a single bound, and was on Sebastian before he had a chance to defend himself. Her speed and agility, that he would usually marvel at, took him by surprise as she jumped – or more like flew – through the air, and brought her dagger down at an angle that would slice right through his neck. His instincts finally kicked in, and not a moment too soon. He planted his feet in place with no choice but to welcome her advance. His right hand came up and with his own dagger, caught her blade an inch from his face. The metal screeched, small sparks igniting as their weapons slid along each other. As Hawke's weight bared down on him, her left hand clamped onto his shoulder for leverage, and before she hit the ground, she struck out with her leg and kicked Sebastian hard in the bones of his kneecap. A sickening crunch shuddered up the length of his leg, and he fell heavily to his other knee, wincing at the pain that traveled throughout him.

Hawke was now dancing backwards, as nimble as ever, to assess the damage she had caused before charging him again. Ignoring the pain, Sebastian had no choice but to come lightly to his feet again, just as Hawke struck out with her fist. He saw it coming and managed to block the blow, only to deliver an equally quick and powerful open-palmed jab into her abdomen. He heard the wind escape her throat, and she stumbled backwards clutching madly at her chest.

Within his mind, Sebastian remembered something. Her ribs! The injuries to her ribs still hadn't fully healed. He hoped he could use that to his advantage also. Collecting herself, Hawke lunged for him again.

Sebastian made a scoffing sound under his breath. For someone whose sole reason for this madness was to die at his hands, she was certainly putting up a fight! He threw himself at her, exchanging fast and furious blows with their weapons. He thrust forward, parrying around her backhand and brought his good knee up, hitting her squarely in the stomach. She stumbled, but didn't fall, and rolled away to quickly gather herself. Leaping forwards again, she feigned a one-handed back-stab. Sebastian focused all of his attention on blocking the ability, just as she'd hoped he would. As he guarded against the move, Hawke used her agility to vault into the air. She kicked herself off Sebastian's outstretched arm and landed behind him. Blindsided, Sebastian rolled forward quickly, just as her dagger swiped low to hit nothing but thin air rather then the flesh and muscle of his back. He could feel the sudden rush of blood in his ears as he realized just how close he'd come to being skewed. She was much quicker and sly then he gave her credit for.

Gasping for breath, Sebastian leapt to his feet and entered the fray again. His only chance was to try and disarm her. With blades, this duel could only end in death, and he simply wouldn't allow that. Not his, and definitely not hers.

"Why must we do this Hawke?" he asked, his face barely an inch from hers as they collided with force again, "Why can you not just let this... hate... go? It's eating you up inside, can you not see that?"

He saw her features darken at his words. Their blades entwined and he used the opportunity to forcibly grab her by the shoulders and spin her on her feet. Twisting his dagger, he caught the hilt of hers and managed to fling the weapon from her grasp. They both watched as the blade spun in the air silently, landing on the ground and skittering along the dirt into the long grass.

"It's over Marian! Please, stop this – UMPH!"

His words were subdued by a hard and sharp elbow to his midsection. Sebastian doubled over, the wind knocked from his lungs, which gave Hawke the chance to flee from his grip. She lunged towards the grassy area, hoping to retrieve her weapon, when Sebastian caught her by her ankle. Casting his own dagger aside now, he fought with her as she tried to get away, evading as best as he could the volley of kicks she dealt to his face and chest.

"Let me go Sebastian!" she screamed, her voice hoarse and out of breath, "this has to end now. It's the only way!"

He reached up to catch Hawke by her bare calve and pulled, dragging her away from the grassy patch and back towards him.

"Why are you fighting? If you want to to die so bad, then why are you fighting for your life? This does not make ANY sense!" While she was still struggling, he flipped her over and threw himself on top of her, using his arms and legs to pin her to the ground. "This isn't about Anders now, is it?" he screamed at her, trying to catch her eyes. "This isn't about you wanting to unload this burden anymore! What is it? TELL ME!"

Hawke's struggling lightened for just a moment and he was able to focus in the gloom on her face. She had her eyes closed, but the shiny reflection of tears on her cheeks were more then noticeable.

"Don't ask this of me Sebastian," she said through clenched teeth, "don't think you can get inside my head just because I told you all I did!"

"Then why fight back?" he asked, pleading with her. "Why not just let it happen? Why are you fighting back like your life depended on it? What is going on in that head of yours?"

She didn't respond. Instead, Hawke managed to wriggle one of her restrained arms free and side swipe him across the face. The force of the blow jarred him, and he toppled off of her. He fell onto his side, stars dancing in front of his eyes.

Hawke leapt up but didn't resume her search for her lost weapon. She stood firm footed before Sebastian and in an indignant tone she screamed at him. "I... I don't know! I want... this. I want it to end. You promised me! But I... I..." She was fumbling over her words now, unsure of what exactly it was she wanted to say. "But every time... something in me... just won't..." She stopped trying then. Her hands raked through her mussed hair and she cursed loudly, clearly lost in her own head.

Sebastian climbed warily to his feet, the spinning in his own head finally subsiding, and faced her. "You don't want to die Hawke," he said calmly this time. "I can see it in your eyes. I can tell by how fiercely you fight to defend yourself. I saw it back then when you were lying broken and bloody in my arms begging me to end your suffering! Your words and your heart are telling me very different things, can you not see that? Well, let me tell you something. My heart is telling me that I cannot kill you. My heart is telling me, that your heart does not want to feel this pain anymore! Can you understand that?"

Hawke sneered at his words. "What do you know of what is in my heart when even I do not! Don't try to confuse me with your pretty words, for they mean n...nothing to me! My soul is blackened because of the lives I took when I should have been saving them instead! I lost myself Sebastian! Those mages were not people to me! They were objects in my way. I... I... do not have the strength or the courage to carry on with this guilt forever on my shoulders! And yet... I -"

Sebastian took a step towards her carefully. "Baring indignation such as this is the mark of true courage Hawke. What does your death do but rob those you, no we – killed,of any meaning. If you are so racked with guilt over what happened in Kirkwall, then use your life to right those wrongs, not run from them! Is that not the least you can do?"

"How?" Hawke demanded desperately, tears flowing freely down her flushed cheeks. "How do I do that? Do you know? Does the Maker have some grand scheme for me that will save my soul from myself? Does He truly forgive murderers and liars? Does He forgive those that kill their loved ones because of deceit?"

"The Maker forgives all who repent with their whole heart, Marian. You just have to be the one to ask for it." And he really believed that. As tumultuous as his faith was at the moment, forgiveness and atonement from the Maker was something he always held firm to. It had saved him after all, back when he was just a child.

Hawke stood very still as she digested what he'd said, and for a moment Sebastian thought that maybe he'd gotten through to her. But she was stubborn. So very stubborn.

"N..No!" she said shakily, as if trying to believe her own words - but failing, "No..I have to do this... for Anders. It's only fair. I want to be... with him again..."

Somehow, Sebastian knew that wasn't true at all. He also couldn't believe he was about to say what came to him next. "You think Anders would want this? You say you loved him, yet you sully his memory, and do so as cheaply as he did for himself. Anders deserved his fate for what he did! Even he thought so! He wanted to play the martyr, and he did. Do you honestly think he would want you to do this to yourself, because of him?" He had to bite his tongue as he spoke of the mage. Just having to acknowledge their love made him... well, he wasn't quite sure. But he knew he didn't like it. "He loved you Hawke. He wouldn't want you to throw your life away because of something he did."

He noticed her wince at the mention of Anders, but he pushed it on her anyway. It had to be done. "If you think I'm going to be the one to give you your glorious reunion with him, you are sorely mistaken. I cannot kill you Hawke, and I will not. It's not release you desire, it's redemption! You are so blinded by your own remorse and guilt and wanting to die, that you cannot see there is someone standing before you who cares about you!"

As soon as the words escaped his mouth, Sebastian regretted them. Not because they weren't true, in fact - they were very true, but because as he said them he noticed Hawke's face darken even more. Her brows cinched together and she clenched her fists tightly at her sides. She was heaving for breath, every inhale and exhale forcing out more silent tears from her eyes.

Sebastian sighed, and decided he might as well continue. Put the final nail in the coffin, so to speak. "If you want my help Hawke, all you have to do is ask. I do not want to see you like this anymore. But it is you that has to be the one to change and take that first step. Until then, this fight is over." As he turned, he gave her a weak smile. "Also, I... I'm sorry for blaming you for Elthina's death. I always knew it wasn't your fault, but I suppose I needed to be angry at someone since Anders was already... dead. I blamed you, and that was very wrong of me. I hope, one of these days, you can find it in your heart to forgive me, Marian."

When she didn't reply, he turned his back on her and walked slowly back towards the shack. He could feel a great sadness surrounding them that he just had to get away from. He couldn't stand to be around her right now. Then as quick as the winds change, he felt that sadness dissipate, only to be replaced by a rising rage. Seconds later, before he'd even reached the worn path back to the hut, Hawke came charging at him from behind. He stopped to time the impending impact and turned his body slightly to take the weight of her body over his right shoulder.

Sebastian brought her crashing to the ground on her back and darted backwards to a safer distance. He couldn't believe she was still trying to do this! "Stop with this idiocy, Hawke!" he said, surprised that she was once again climbing back onto her feet.

"How DARE you!" she screamed. "How dare you say such a thing!"

Sebastian felt his adrenaline spike again. She seemed much more seething this time, but it only made her more reckless and act without thought. "I meant it. I'll help you if you want me to. I was wrong to accuse you. I -"

Hawke lunged forward to grab his neck but he pulled her arms to either side of him, and kneed her in the stomach. It wasn't hard, but was just enough to send her stumbling backwards, and before she'd had a chance to recover, he crouched down and spun a full 360-degrees to finish her off with a sweeping kick that took her feet right out from under her.

She landed with a thud and rolled up on her side, clutching her chest again. As Sebastian got to his feet, he let out an exasperated sigh when Hawke did the same, though she was much more sluggish this time around.

With ragged breath she said, "That's not... what I'm talking about, and you know it!" She moved with surprising speed this time, and with no time to fend off the blow, she punched Sebastian in the side of the face, putting the full force of her body behind it. As he hit the ground it felt as if she had shattered his cheekbone.

There is no pain, he told himself as he saw Hawke approaching to finish him off.

"You have no right to say those kinds of things to me. I do not deserve it!" Hawke spat, bending down to pull him to his feet.

Instinctively, Sebastian went into a tuck position. He grabbed hold of Hawke's arms as she leant down, and used his feet to propel her over him and onto her back. He flipped himself over and came upon her again. He pinned her legs to the ground with his knees and stretched her arms above her head, maintaining a firm and powerful grasp at her wrists. Her head was turned to the side, but he could see the conflicting emotion in her eyes.

Breathless, he asked, "What did you mean before, when you said you cannot allow yourself to see me in any other light?" He hadn't forgotten those words she'd spoken before their fight started. He wasn't sure if he'd even heard right. But, he had to know.

"Nothing -"

"Do not lie to me!" The desperation and agony in his voice surprised even him.

Hawke met his gaze then, defiance still written all over her face. "Get OFF!" she demanded, wriggling in his grip.

"Not until you tell me the truth, Marian," he goaded. "What did you mean?"

Her struggling stopped, but she still refused to answer. Sebastian didn't know whether to laugh or cry at her continued stubbornness.

"Hawke, for crying out loud! How can one person cause me so much frustration, yet at the same time... at the same time..." What? What was he trying to say? "How is it that as much as I want to throttle you sometimes, there is a part of me that just wants to hold you! Why is it that when I am with you, my heart is both disquiet and at the same time, at peace?"

"Stop Sebastian..." Hawke pleaded. "Please. I don't want to feel this for you anymore."

"But you do, don't you? You feel the same as I -" Before he could finish his sentence, Hawke began her frantic struggle for release again.

Angered by her attempt at avoiding his question, he held fast to his hold on her, when somehow within all the frenzied action, their lips had suddenly met. He didn't know how, or who made the first move, but the outcome was still the same and something within him was glad for it.

A surge of renewed adrenaline rushed through them both. Sebastian released her legs, sliding himself in between them, letting the full weight of his body come down hard on top of her. Their mouths, and lips and tongues were playing a dangerous game as they tasted, nipped and explored each other. Sebastian released her arms so he could cup her face and bring her mouth closer and deeper to his own. His mind went back to the kiss he'd stolen from her only a night ago. This was much different. Back then, it was more soft. More tender. This was the complete opposite. They were kissing with a hunger and passion that not even he, in his younger days of debauchery, could have fathomed. It was fevered, and wet, and carnal. The sounds of their husky breathing and fervid moaning made the blood rush from his head, and settle elsewhere.

Her hands found him and fisted his hair, pulling him against her so she could delve her tongue deeper into his mouth. The velvet touch of their mouths pleasuring each other was too much for the both of them. All coherent thought left him, and he was sure it had left Hawke as well. He lost sight of all his training in the chantry of abstinence and controlling his wonton desires. They were mere whispers in the back of his head. Annoyances. He couldn't stop himself now, even if he wanted to. Which he didn't.

Sebastian's body shivered as he felt his lower region grow and harden with excitement, straining against the confines of his underclothes. Hawke wrapped her legs around his powerful form and drew her body up to meet his encouragement. The delicious heat of her skin burned into him as she ground his hips against her. As she was only wearing her flimsy cotton finery, every dip and curve of her slight, toned body felt all too real to him.

His hips moved against hers, and a pleasurable moan escaped from her. He swallowed it down as he bucked against her again, drawing another excited groan and the new feeling of hands gripping his back. His shirt was being lifted, the cool night air washing over his burning skin. The feel of her hands on him, nails raking flesh and drawing blood, made him both wince and sigh as her name rolled off his tongue. Hawkes mouth left his and she trailed a series of hot, urgent kisses along his jawline, stopping at the flesh where his shoulder met his neck, and bit down hard. Pain coursed through him again, but it only served to excite him all the more.

Hands now clutched at his hips, and Hawke bade him more movement, urging Sebastian to crush himself against her again, to which he gladly obeyed. He relished in the searing heat between her thighs as his erection stroked the burning, swelling heart buried beneath her thin clothing. If he concentrated hard enough, he could feel just how damp the material was there, and boy – did that make him harder then he'd ever been before. He'd seen her naked body already, so it didn't take much to imagine her fully exposed and writhing beneath him. Her supple pale skin, his. Her smooth trembling thighs, his. Her firm breasts, his. He thought he said something, but couldn't tell if it was out loud or in his head. It might have been her name, or a moan or some undecipherable babble. Whatever it was, he knew it could only describe a mere fraction of the desire that had overwhelmed him. He wanted her – Maker, how he wanted her! All of her! He felt, animal. Primal. He'd lost himself in his lust, and it had never felt better.

And Hawke? She was just as aroused as he was. Her hands searching his muscular body for a firm hold. His back, his hair; finally settling on his rear so she could use her own momentum to grind his lower body against her harder and faster.

Sebastian could feel his entire being shudder, fueled with excitement. Together, their breathing became ragged and labored as they moved in unison with each other. He buried his face in the crook of Hawke's neck, his left hand trailing her slender figure and hooking around the bottom of her singlet. He pushed it up and found the mound of her breast. Just touching her there almost made him lose himself, but he managed to hold it off. Somehow. He kneaded her breast through her underclothes, the malleable flesh easily manipulated by his hand. Hawke arched her chest forward, offering herself to him. Her hand found a tight hold in his hair again, and she pulled him down, moving his head to her chest. His teeth nipped along her collarbone, the taste of her skin dancing on his senses. He nuzzled his face between the warm valley of her breasts, his tongue darting out and stroking the flesh that peeked over the top of her lacy bra while his nimble fingers pinched and rolled her erect nipple through the material.

A deep moan sounded in his ear as Hawke reached her orgasm first. The call of his name on her lips urged him to drive harder to join her in her release. She clawed his back, her body racked with intense quaking. Her thighs squeezed against his sides as she rode her climax. Sebastian stifled her moans with his mouth, plunging his tongue deep into her, searching out her own so he could wrap himself around it, just as the first signs of his own orgasm came upon him.

It had been so long, he almost didn't recognize the stirring at first. The heightened sense of pleasure coursing through him felt like a sun exploding as it burst forth. The feeling of fire and starlight snaked through him, setting every part of him tingling and moaning. He twitched with every buck he made, his seed soaking the inside of his pants into a sticky, frigid mess.

Twining his hands through Hawke's hair, he pushed himself closer to her until the last throb of ecstasy extinguished, and they were both left in a gasping, yet languid, pile of sweaty limbs and sodden clothing. Their mouths parted and he took in much needed oxygen. Hawke too, was fighting for breath.

Then as their combined lust started to subside, and Sebastian's mind – although satiated – cleared and became his own again, a crumbling sense of guilt immediately descended on him. He rolled lazily off Hawke and laid beside her, staring up at the cloudy night sky.

His mind raced. What have I done? Maker! What have I done! He felt.. dirty. Inside, and out. He'd allowed his lust to control him, and taken advantage of a woman. And not just any woman! Hawke! Marian Hawke, who was not in the right mind herself to think clearly, and was... still in love with another man! He wanted to disappear. He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream and yell that he was the worst servant of the Maker that had ever walked this earth! And yet, he wanted to laugh and sing with joy that he'd taken pleasure in a woman that he'd come to care for with his whole heart. That, he realized, made this whole situation even worse. The shame he felt was palpable. The desire he'd relished in only moments before, was now replaced with disgust and disgrace.

Sebastian screwed his eyes shut and covered his face with his forearms, hoping this was all a dream. A very bad dream that he'd wake up from any moment now and find himself sprawled out on the shacks dirty floor covered in a moth eaten blanket and Merc snoring loudly at his feet. But it was not to be so.

Beside him he heard Hawke sniff, and turning his head to her, saw the shiny trail of fresh tears on her cheeks. The sight tore his heart from his chest, and he looked away in shame. What was he to do? He couldn't take his actions back now. And he didn't want to.

Hawke moved into a seating position and lowered her singlet to cover herself again. She wiped the tears from her face with the back of her hand and turned towards him. There was no emotion in her eyes. No emotion in her features. She was once again, the stoic champion that he knew so well.

"I... I hate you Sebastian." She said monotonously.

He watched as she walked away, back towards the shack, and closed the door behind her. Climbing to his feet, Sebastian made his way towards the river needing to cleanse himself of not only his soused clothing, but his dirtied thoughts too. He could only hope, that come the morning, she was still here when he woke up.