Aurora Whisperwind: An update! I do apologize for my spectacular mistake of making Zaraki captain of the tenth... Gomen!! Thanks for the reviews.
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of it's characters.
Okay we're being forced to publish everyday from now on, as things are happening too fast to catch up otherwise. Thankfully we have a fresh inflow of funds from the big sale of Kurosaki Ichigo pictures and plushies which the R&J fan club organized lately. Anyway, we believe we've come close to discovering the truth behind the Aizen Sousuke murder!
-Kunizaki Touya.
THE TRUTH BEHIND AIZEN'S MURDER
We at SSS believe we've come across a very terrifying theory about the strange occurrences that have been happening lately, starting with Kuchiki Rukia's execution order for her 'crime'- the immediate return of her faux body, the revocation order, the reduction of grace period from thirty-five days to twenty-five days, the use of the Sou Kyoku on a Shinigami of rank other than a captain... all these are very odd and unprecedented events. Now, the murder of a captain in cold blood- who did it? Isn't it almost obvious that whoever is behind this is just using the confusion that the Ryoka have been creating and that both these deaths- Kuchiki Rukia's impending one and Aizen's murder were both planned by someone.
We have our suspicions as to who this someone is, but we aren't going to reveal them until we are surer. Meanwhile the readers can take it for granted that all this has something to do with the Chappy disappearances. It makes perfect sense, the time-line of the events, and Rukia-chan loves Chappy. Ichigo is the only one who can save us all from this peril!
ELEVENTH SQUAD CAPTAIN DEFEATED
by Kamio Minami
We are very pleased to inform our readers that the eleventh squad captain Zaraki Kenpachi has joined the ever-increasing list of Shinigami defeated by Kurosaki Ichigo. We have a full report of the fight thanks to a very attentive eye-witness who was only too happy to write the article herself for a bag of candy. We merely corrected her numerous spelling errors. So here it is-
"First we found Icchy after a long time of running around as Ken-chan gets lost easily. When we finally found him, he was all big-eyed and stuff. Two other people fell down when Ken-chan was talking and one of them had loads and loads of drool on his face! And Icchy grew even more big-eyed, and I wanted to go see the guy but Icchy got mad and pushed me off! Ken-chan blamed me and called me stupid but I showed him. Anyway, then Icchy asked me my name and I told him nicely, just like the lady with the weird hair down her front told me to, but he didn't smile at all or tell me his name.
And then he told the other guys to leave, so the other guy took the other guy and ran away. Ken-chan was nice to Icchy too, he offered a freebie and told him to attack first. I thought Icchy would smile now, but he got even madder! He attacked Ken-chan, but nothing happened. He got even madder and started hitting recklessly and I wanted to tell him he was going about it wrong, but no one was listening to me. He played tag with Ken-chan for a while. It was boring just watching. And then he got all serious for a while and kept saying 'Chad' and then he had this frowny face then and then he suddenly cut Ken-chan. Ken-chan was really happy, I was happy too!
But then, they started talking about Zampaktou and Icchy got dead beat again. He was lying on the floor all bleeding and I thought the game was over but then suddenly, he got up again and started beating Ken-chan again! Then Ken-chan removed his eye-patch and Icchy frowned some more, his eyebrows were all funny, hee hee! Anyway, they went for their final moves then and I couldn't see well because many buildings got destroyed and some dust got into my eye. But when I could see again, Icchy was on the floor again, all bloodied up and so was Ken-chan but Ken-chan's sword was all broken too. It wasn't fair, they played together all by themselves and were too tired for me!
And then I picked up Ken-chan and left, but before that I thanked Icchy and told him not to die coz next time, I'll play with both of them too! I like Icchy a lot, almost as much as Ken-chan! I called the lady to look at Ken-chan but Ken-chan went on asking me how Icchy was... I think he likes him too. And after that, he was all depressed that he lost, he didn't! It was two against one! Icchy had Zangetsu or whoever too! I tried to tell him, but he was all weird and sad and 'I-want-to-get-stronger' type and then he fell asleep! I was sad, and Ken-chan was sad too, so I tried to bring Icchy to him to cheer him up, but by the time I got there, all I saw was this naked girl carry him away real fast, so... I couldn't catch them. And that's what happened!"
See how brilliant he is?? He not only beat Zaraki Kenpachi but also got the guy to respect him!! He's just so unbelievably cool! Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!
Wait a minute... a naked girl?
ONE RYOKA CAUGHT
After days of eluding thirteen squads, finally one of the Ryoka was caught by the eighth squad captain, lecherous leerer and horrendous dresser, Kyouraku Shunsui. The captured Ryoka was badly injured and is undergoing treatment now. His arm had a huge weapon of some sort. He must be the large, iron-statue like man that initial reports of the Ryoka had mentioned.
ADVICE COLUMN
Mystery Matsu is back! Thank you for all the letters asking me for advice.
Dear Mystery Matsu,
About a week ago, I was a very contented Shinigami with a nice squad, buddies and a fiancée. Now, the stupid Ryoka have invaded us, and the job's real tough, half my buddies are in hospital and my fiancée's gone off and joined the Ryoka fan club!! Already it's really irritating listening to her gush on and on about the oh-so-cool Kurosaki Ichigo but now she's actually trying to change me! She wants me to dress like him, work out and look like him, and dye my hair orange. I don't know what to do, please help!
Pissed off boy friend.
Dear Pissed off boy friend,
Oh dear, that is a problem. I can see why your feelings would be bruised because of this, but try to be understanding. Most girls like the whole fairy-tale romance situations with a strong, handsome hero who has a kick-ass personality a lot, it's like a favourite fantasy for them. Why don't indulge her a little? Dyeing your hair is not a bad alternative, she'll be so happy if you do. Try and give in for once and see how things change. She should be over it soon, so just be as nice as possible and wait, okay?
Wanted: Clothes. Nice, sexy, form-fitting clothes. I kind of lost mine. Contact Catgirl at the bottom of the eastern cliff.
Author's notes: A longish chapter. SSS stumbles upon the truth... or not. Tell me what you guys thought, okay? Next chapter, lots of things happen, and the R&J newsletter will be back to cover Ichigo and Rukia's dramatic reunion. Most of you have given me great idea for the Matsu column, so please keep writing in!
Read and review!