A/N: WHOOT! Emo-Murtagh is finally introduced!

I really apologize for not updating this story - or any of my stories for that matter - for such a long time. I've been really busy and also lacked the motivation to write anything, but now I'm back with new chapters!

In addition, I'm going to be revising the previous chapters, both adding some newer, funnier parts and editing for grammar and such. So be sure to check those out once I put them up!

Disclaimer: the Inheritance Cycle and all of its characters, places, etc. belong to Christopher Paolini, and the Eragon movie belongs to Twentieth Century Fox, Lord of the Rings belongs to JRR Tolkien, but this parody is written by me!

Without further ado, here's the long-awaited chapter!

(I must apologize again, I couldn't think of a chapter title when I posted this, but I'll think up something soon!)

Chapter 7

Eragon waltzed right into Gilead.

Literally.

It was nightfall when he arrived, so he naturally assumed it would be more heavily guarded. At first, the Rider was worried about how he'd get into the city, let alone sneak into the prison, but the place was completely deserted.

I wonder why there aren't any guards?

Meanwhile, in the guards' lounge....

Several dozen guards sat around a wooden table. A deck of cards, a pile of money, and several bottles of ale rested on the table. The guards examined the cards that had been dealt to them. Finally, one of the men spoke.

"Got any sevens?"

"Go fish."

Eragon made it to the prison without incident and soon found where Arya was.

"You shouldn't have come!" cried Arya.

Eragon rolled his eyes. "Look, I came all this way to save you - and didn't even have to fight any guards, mind you - so you'd better be happy about it!"

All of a sudden, Durza the Shade materialized into the dungeon out of thin air. The Shade fired a spell at Eragon, which Eragon quickly blocked with an ancient language word.

"A young magician," smirked the Shade, "…how cute." There was an awkward silence as the Shade realized his mistake. "Er, quaint! I MEANT QUAINT!"

Eragon tried to run, but Durza was too strong. The Rider was backed into a corner and had nowhere to run. It looked like this was the end for Eragon (and there was much rejoicing of movie fans!). Durza's mouth curled into a sneer, levitating a spear with one hand.

"It's said that with his last breath, a Rider can hear the dying screams of his dragon," Durza contemplated this statement. "Isn't that poetic? I think I'll write a poem." And then the Shade threw the spear at Eragon.

"Epic heroic last minute rescue!" yelled Brom, leaping in between Eragon and the spear.

"Brom! Are you okay?" cried Eragon, shocked at the sudden appearance and sacrifice of his mentor.

"It…went…straight…through…my…heart!" Brom struggled to say.

"Don't worry Brom you're not going to die," Eragon gave this statement a moment's thought, then added, "...Immediately."

The disturbance had apparently come to the attention of the guards, who, after abandoning their card game, rushed in fully armed. Suddenly, a guard was shot by an unseen archer. Several more were taken down. Surprised, Eragon looked up to see a young man with dark hair.

"I suggest you leave quickly," said the man as he shot several more guards. "My emo-ness is contagious."

At that moment, several guards collapsed, but not from arrows.

"I feel angsty," grumbled a guard.

"What's the point of living?" muttered another.

"I'm gonna go dye my hair..." said a third.

"I won't let you get away!" screamed the Shade, but at that moment the emo man shot an arrow at the Shade's head. It hit, but Durza's grin grew even wider. "You'll have to do better than that if you want to kill me. You missed hitting my weak point."

Eragon ran up to the Shade and kicked him...well… one can very well guess where he kicked him...

The Shade doubled over in extreme pain as Eragon ran back to Brom. "Argh! Not my fatal weak point… but a weak point nonetheless!"

At that moment, Saphira's head burst through the ceiling, sending chunks of stone everywhere. She snapped angrily at the remaining guards.

Eragon looked up. " Saphira - "

What? Saphira was preoccupied with a soldier who was dangling several feet from the floor, his cloak firmly clenched in Saphira's mouth.

"Saphira, put him down!"

Aw, can't I eat him?

"No!"

"Can you carry three?" asked Eragon,

I'm not sure.

Arya and Eragon, both carrying Brom, clambered onto Saphira, who took off through the hole in the ceiling. She quickly flew out of the enemies range, and barely struggled with the extra weight on her back, until…

Now that we're out of the enemies range, it would conveniently seem that the weight is too much!

"What the hell! You just flew a mile!"

I can't hear you! I'm too busy crashing into trees!

Brom was dying. The mood was somber.

"I have to save him!" exclaimed Eragon. He put his hand over Brom's wound and said, "Waise heil." Eragon's hand glowed (or maybe it was just some glow-in-the-dark paint) and it looked like Brom was healing. Suddenly, the glowing stopped and Eragon collapsed, exhausted.

Eragon, that was amazing!

"You mean I healed Brom?" said Eragon eagerly.

Saphira rolled her eyes. Yes, you healed Brom. Saphira's tone had turned sarcastic. How the hell did you defy the laws of magic? That spell should have either healed Brom and killed you, healed Brom, or completely drained you of energy, leaving you dead and Brom still wounded!

"Brom never told me the laws of magic, Saphira. And because the audience was never informed of them either, they will never question what I did! So I can do whatever the hell I want!" he jumped in the air triumphantly. "Wo-hoo!" He turned back to the dragon. "So did I heal Brom?"

No.

"Shi-"

Eragon, if he's going to die anyway, can I eat him? interrupted Saphira.

"No!" exclaimed Eragon. He lowered his voice to a whisper, "…not yet."

"Eragon," said Brom weakly, "Did you shoot the Shade in the heart?"

"Uh..." Eragon hesitated for a moment, "Yeah. Sure. Let's go with that."

"Eragon… don't worry about me. It's thanks to you I got my life back."

"Uh, hello! My stupidity is the reason you're dying!"

"Oh yeah... that's right... curse you!"

"You can still die with pride, like a Rider," said Arya, who had not spoken a word since Saphira crashed.

Eragon turned to Saphira. The dragon lifted her head and gave a loud roar.

Eragon narrowed his eyes angrily. Thanks a lot, Saphira, he said to his dragon through the mental link they shared. You gave away our position! Now you can't eat Brom.

Sorry…

Well I suppose you could always take a leg.

Brom, despite being on the verge of death, noticed something suspicious about Eragon and Saphira. "Really, I think I might be getting better."

And two seconds later he died.

"What should we do with him?" asked Arya, poking Brom's body with a pointed stick.

Eragon pondered this for a moment, and then replied, "We could give him a Boromir-style funeral without the pride."

"Eh?"

"Take everything of value and chuck him over a waterfall."

"Oh…"

Wait, I have a better idea. Saphira leaned over Brom and breathed on him. In a matter of seconds, Brom was encased in a transparent diamond tomb.

"Dirty mouth?" said an English-accented voice out of nowhere, "Diamond it up with Orbit White!"

Arya and Eragon stared in wonder. Then after about a minute, Eragon spoke.

"Eh…it kind of looks like a pile of zip-lock bags from a distance..."