Chapter 7

Okay, let's do a quick recap. We got to Rivendell, and on the first night, our entire group (myself included) behaved badly. I may or may not have done a little rearranging of the garden statuary, and I made a new enemy in Lindir. I had found my way into Lord Elronds' study and passed out in a drunken mess on his chaise lounge. Lord Elrond woke me the following day. I'm not sure, but I have a strong suspicion that he made a pass at me, and I ran away from that situation like my ass was on fire, only to find Nori, naked, in my bed. I walked away from that situation too, only to end back at Lord Elronds' study once more, where I claimed the chaise again and slept off my hangover while the ibuprophren worked its' magic. So, we're all caught up now, right? Right. Okay, let's continue this fucked up carnival ride I signed up for, shall we?

I woke from my slumber, sometime later, to a soft scratching sound. I kept my eyes closed and listened; trying to figure out what could be making that intermittent, irritating noise. Were there mice here in Rivendell? Something told me that the elves would not put up with vermin running amuck around here. I sighed, giving up on getting any more sleep, and opened my eyes. Lord Elrond was sitting at his desk, busily writing on a parchment with a quill. "You seem to have become a reoccurring fixture in my study," he said, addressing me without even looking up from his parchment. "Yeah, well if you saw what was lurking in my bed when I got back there, you wouldn't be judging me so harshly right now," I bit back at him, giving a little shiver of disgust at the image of a naked Nori in my bed. I looked around, trying to gauge the time by the light coming through the windows. Elrond, being Elrond, must have picked up on my mental time inquiry, and announced "It is almost time for dinner. Perhaps you should retire to your room in order to refresh." He gave me a brief glance before continuing his writing. I got to my feet and stretched my hands toward the ceiling, causing a few vertebrae to pop in my spine, and then bent down to scoop up my pack from the floor.

When I stood back up, Elrond was mere inches away from me. I stumbled backward and landed hard on the chaise. "Jesus Christ, Lestat, are you part vampire or something? How did you move that fast?" I exclaimed. My heart was thudding loudly in my ears as I looked up at the immaculate elven lord who was overly pleased, having startled me. A slow, sly smile crept across his face, and honest to God, I was beginning to think I was now in some type of Twilight Zone version of Arda. In Tolkien's writings, Elrond was depicted as a sage individual, with unlimited love for his family, including his wife Celebrian. Instead, I seemed to be facing down a lecherous, conniving individual with designs on manipulating me. "Back the fuck up," I growled, and I actually shoved him. It didn't really do much good, and it felt like I was trying to push a wall, but it did seem to surprise him that I would physically react when cornered. He took a step back, and continued to assess me. "It was not my intention to frighten you," his voice was practically a low purr, and it slid against my skin like silk. I gave him a look that conveyed my doubts and I finally exclaimed, "Seriously?! Quit the seduction bullshit. You are married! Stop trying to make this happen. It's not going to happen! I have a set list of rules for sleeping with guys. One of the biggest rules happens to be 'Don't sleep with married men!'"

I was gesticulating wildly and this made him back up a bit more. Good. He stared down at me, a pinched look on his face, and his eyes growing hard. "How do you know about my wife?" "I just do. I know lots of stuff. I know more than I care to at the moment. Just stop trying to push your elven sexiness on me, okay? It just makes me more determined to get away from this shady, back room resort spa you are running here!" As I made my way to the doorway, I turned and said, "Look, you seem like a nice enough guy. I mean, you allowed us to stay here and you haven't kicked us out yet, but I would appreciate it if you just chill the fuck out." He had a strange look on his face, like he has never been spoken to like this before, but I couldn't stick around to delve into his psyche. I had to get ready for dinner, and find Bil.

Back in my room, all was quiet. The nice elven maid had drawn a hot bath for me and laid out a gown in a nice plum color on the freshly made bed. I gave the gown the side eye, not sure why they wanted me to wear a dress to dinner, as it is soooo not my thing. The obstinate streak in me wanted to cut the dress up into shreds, but there was another part of me that felt like being a little girly for a few hours, while I had the chance. Behind a privacy screen, I soaked in the large tub, making sure to scrub all the nooks and crannies that had been ignored earlier. As I was drying off, I heard someone walk into my room and clear their throat. "Bil?" I called out, hopefully. "Who else were you expecting?" was his snarky reply. Wrapping the towel around myself, I peeked around the screen to make sure we were alone, before walking around so scantily clad. "Where have you been? I've been searching for you all day!" he complained, obviously a bit miffed. "Well, after you were swept away by your brooding knight in shining tinfoil, I was chastised by Gandalf and ended up storming out of my own room. Then I got lost and somehow ended up in Elronds study. I crashed on his chaise lounge all night," I explained as I grabbed the dress from the bed and returned to the safety of the privacy screen. I wasn't worried about Bil seeing me naked or anything, but the lack of doors in this place, coupled with the eerie quiet of elves and the weird amount of male attention I received over the last few hours was making me a little more cautious. "I woke up to Lord Elrond scolding me for our activities last night, and then he made a pass at me." I paused for dramatic effect, sliding the dress on over my head. It was a bit snug around my boobs and hips, but I sort of expected that. "He did WHAT!?" Bil exclaimed and, ignoring the fact that I was dressing, came flying around the screen and stood, open mouthed, staring at me. "He made a pass at me," I repeated as I smoothed the rest of the fabric out, trying to shimmy it over my hips and ass. "AND!?" Bil demanded, excitedly, as he came forward and helped with the tugging of the dress. "Well, I turned him down, obviously." I said shrugging my shoulders.

"Wait just a moment! Lord Elrond, a gorgeous high elf, and our very gracious host, made a pass at you, and you turned him down?! Are you mad?!" Bil was so excited over this bit of gossip that I actually laughed. "Yes, Bil, as far as I know, he's still married. Besides, why the Hell would a High Elf, thousands of years old, and surrounded by all these amazingly beautiful elven women, be interested in a foul mouthed, moody, other worldly human woman? It doesn't make any sense." I sat in the chair in front of the vanity in the corner, and Bil moved behind me, grabbing a brush off the table and began to brush my hair. "Yes, well, have you given any thought to the fact that he is thousands of years old, and perhaps he is tired of the same old thing? Hmm? Maybe he is intrigued by your strange behavior and how completely different you are from every other person here?" Bil offered as an explanation.I appreciated the fact that he didn't try to convince me that I was just as pretty as the elven maids around here, because we all know that would've been complete bullshit.

"Well, in that case, he can sow his elven oats with a local human chick that doesn't have the same morality issues that I do. I don't sleep with married guys, you know that." I affirmed, making eye contact with him in the mirror. We both let a contemplative silence encompass us as Bil styled my hair in a simple elven style of two braids at the temples, pulled back and braided together in the back, leaving the rest of my hair to fall in waves over my shoulders. My hair is not long due to an issue of me being vain. It is actually long due to neglect. I rarely remember to visit a stylist when I am home in order to have it cut in a current style, and I find it easier to just pull it up in either a pony tail or a messy bun when I travel. Seeing myself in the mirror, in a dress, with styled hair, it felt strange. It was almost like an out of body experience for me, because I know I was looking at myself in the mirror, but it also felt like it was not me at the same time. "I need to get the fuck out of Arda. I'm losing my damn mind," I muttered to myself. Bil smirked at me as he surveyed his handiwork. "I don't believe Arda is to blame," he chuckled.

I rolled my eyes at his comment and turned in the chair to face him. "Yeah? Well, what happened last night with you and your hairy husband to be?" Bil just smiled. You know the smile I'm talking about. The smile someone gets on their face when they think about that certain someone. A stupid, goofy, love-dumb smile sat on my best friends face, and I knew at that moment, for sure, that he was truly in love. "That good, huh?" I laughed softly as I rose from the chair to find the slippers our host had provided for me that matched the dress. Bil coughed a little, clearly trying to cover up the shit eating grin he was wearing. "Yes, well, we haven't actually done anything. Yet." He smiled that stupid smile again and continued, "However, we had a lovely conversation and he was a perfect gentleman. He is also a very intimidating kisser," He added with a wink. "Stop! I don't need any more information! You will ruin supper if you keep going. Let's just head down to the dining area and I'll tell you about Nori," I told him, laughing at his antics. I was really happy for him. I was just hoping that Thorin didn't mistreat him in any way. If he did, then I have ways of making the dwarf king pay dearly that would make him wish that he would die on top of Raven Hill, as he was supposed to according to the book and movie.

When we entered the dining area, conversation stopped and all eyes were on us. "This shit is getting on my nerves," I muttered to Bil. He walked me over to the head table so I could sit at the same seat as I had the night before, and then, after making doe eyes at Thorin, he made his way over to sit at one of the lower tables. "Ah, Miss Jess! I am glad to see you feeling better." Gandalf announced with a smile and a wink. "I don't care if I'm in a dress. I will straight up punch the next person that winks at me," I growled as I placed my napkin on my lap. I heard Elrond chuckle into his wine and Thorin rolled his eyes in contempt. "Have you apologized to our host for your rude behavior last night?" Thorin asked in a snide tone that I didn't fucking appreciate. "I dunno, Thorin, have you apologized for your rude behavior from back when we arrived?" I taunted, reaching over his plate for the salt shaker, hoping I dropped a hair or something like it in his food. "Children, please!" Gandalf chided. The wizard was all done with our bitter rivalry and decided to take the initiative, curtailing any further jabs we were about to make. The rest of the meal was mostly uneventful. Lindir approached Lord Elrond at one point, and whispered something into his ear that made Elrond stiffen in his seat a bit. "Rude," I muttered as I glared at Lindir, who glared right back at me. I took advantage of Elronds momentary distraction to make a cutting motion at my throat and whispered "Snitches get stitches, Linda." Lindir paled (if that was even possible) and with a pinched, pissy look on his face he scurried back to wherever he had come from.

After the meal was over, the dwarves began to meander off and the elven wait staff began the hectic bustle of cleaning up the mess they left behind. Thorin and Gandalf were colluding by one of the doorways and I witnessed Bil lightly touch Thorins hand as he walked by with Fili and Kili, making their way to their little campsite. "Would you care to walk with me?" Lord Elrond asked as he stood beside my chair. I eyed him with suspicion, and he held his hands up in a show of surrender. "I will not pressure you in any way. I simply wish to talk." He pulled my chair back from the table and offered me his arm. "Just talk?" I was wary of his motives, but I had no obvious reason to be so rude as to tell him no, flat out. "Just talk," he confirmed. I placed my hand on his fore arm and let him lead me off on to one of the many walk ways, away from the others. "What is your world like?" he asked. "Uh, the same as this one, but different, I guess." He laughed at my evasive answer. "Are you quite sure you are not part elf? You seem to be skilled in answering a question in such a way as to not actually answer it. That is most assuredly an elvish trait." I relaxed enough to let a small smile spread over my face. "I am most definitely all human. There are no elves where I come from, just humans." "You say 'just humans' as if it were a bad thing. Why?" We stopped in a small garden that had a narrow stream winding through the vegetation, before it rejoined the rest of the river raging at the bottom of the valley. "Yes, well, up until a few years ago, humans were all I knew. As a species, I find us to be…lacking." I explained with a look of distaste on my face. "I prefer the company of animals over people any day. That's one of the reasons I became a vet, or an animal doctor." I sat down on the manicured lawn, dress be damned, and removed my slippers in order to feel the cool grass on my feet. Elrond looked down at me as I did this, and with an arch of his magical brow, and a slightly exaggerated flourish, he folded his lanky frame and sat next to me.

The garden was lit by a weird bioluminescence along the stone work, as well as the moon overhead. I glanced up at the moon, and remembered that there was something about the moon that was important to this quest but I was having difficulty remembering exactly what it was while I was being stared at. "You intrigue me," Elrond stated, rather bluntly. I mean, that statement was blunt, for an elf anyway. I snorted in disbelief, "Yeah? What could be so interesting about me that has a high elf lord intrigued?" I asked as I made a pile of small pebbles from the surrounding area. Elrond chuckled, and it was a deep, resonating sound that gave me shivers. "You are unlike any woman of man I have met in all my many years here in Middle-Earth. Your manner of speech and your way of thinking are so different, even from elves or dwarves, that I find myself drawn to you. You are a puzzle to me." His confession as to what made him hone in on me, like a moth to a flame, actually made sense. I was a new puzzle or toy that he wanted to play with and pick apart in order to find out what makes me tick; just like Bil had suggested. "I am not a puzzle to solve. I am not here for your amusement either." I grouched at him. "There! You see! You resist my attempts to befriend you and seem almost offended by my attentions. Why is that?" He asked, his eyes were all lit up in excitement at the prospect of picking my brain, so to speak. "How would you like it if you were just minding your own business when someone comes along and starts treating you like a toy or a science experiment? Constantly poking at you or interrupting your thoughts in order to see how you would react? You'd get sick of it real quick. I've been down this road before. I know the signs of someone trying to manipulate me and I won't play along." I explained, tossing a pebble from my pile into the stream a few feet away.

He sat silently beside me for a few moments before I heard him ask, "May I ask you another question?" "It's your house do what you want," I said with a shrug, "But, I reserve the right to not answer if I don't feel like it." He sat up straighter, if that was even possible, because he has excellent posture to begin with. "Why are you helping Thorin Oakenshield in his quest to reclaim Erebor?" Elrond was taken by complete surprise when I burst out laughing. My laughter was nothing like the tinkling giggle that the lady elves made. I'm sure I sounded like a braying donkey to his sensitive ears. As I wiped the tears of mirth from my eyes, I worked on regaining some composure. "Sorry! Hahahaha, sorry! Ah! Thanks! I needed a good laugh." When I finally managed to contain the giggly aftershocks, I answered his question honestly. "I am not helping that egotistical, hairy rock ape! Not for all the gold in that stupid, fucking mountain." He cocked his head to the side and asked, "Then why are you part of his company?" "Because I'm loyal to a fault. Because, even though I have a very expensive degree from a prestigious university, I am mentally incapable of making intelligent decisions when my best friend begs me to join him in a bad idea. I am dragging my stupid ass across Middle-Earth because my best friend is head over heels in love with a miniature Neanderthal with a death wish. I am putting my life on the line to help an inept friend find love, and actually survive the journey." My honesty seemed to stun him a bit. "If you do not agree with the choice of your friends amorous attentions, why would you help them or encourage them in such a relationship?" I sighed and turned to look up at him saying, "I love Bil with all my heart. I have never seen him this adamant before. I'm not sure if you noticed this or not, but Bil isn't what you would call 'outdoorsy'. For him to actually trek across this world, dealing with the elements, orcs and trolls and whatever else is thrown our way, just to be with ol' Thorny, then it must be something special and who am I to try to stop that?"

Elrond looked absolutely stunned when I finished my rant. After a brief pause, he spoke up once again, saying "You are a true friend, Lady Jess. I would be honored if you would consider counting me among your friends," He placed the clenched fist of his right hand over his heart and bowed his head in a show of respect to me that I found extremely awkward. "Stop it! Stop that! I'll have none of that!" I told him, almost panic stricken, clutching at the clenched fist, trying to pull it away from his chest. "I'm no lady, and I don't deserve your misplaced reverence. I'm just helping a friend. Don't make it weird," I hissed in embarrassment. Elrond chuckled at my annoyance and I snapped, "Are you laughing at me?" "I would never laugh at you. I find you refreshing and baffling, but you are not one that I would ever think to laugh at," he said reassuringly. He glanced down and that's when I noticed that I was still holding his hand.

I released his hand almost as fast as I would a hot coal. We sat in an awkward silence after that; Elrond watching as I tossed the remainder of my pebbles into the stream. Once the pebbles were gone, he gained his feet, most gracefully, and offered me his hand. I placed my hand in his, and he allowed me to pull myself up, rather than pulling me up to him, and I mentally awarded him brownie points. Do they even have brownies here? God! I need some chocolate, BAD! Anyway, after I brushed the debris from the dress, Elrond asked "Will you walk with me some more this night? There is much I wish to know about my new friend." He offered me his arm, once again, and after a brief pause, I slipped my hand over his arm, silently accepting his invitation. I mean, what else was I going to do tonight? Braid hair with the dwarves? Watch as they preened their beards and mustaches? Actually, come to think of it, I could probably do with a good mustache wax myself at this point. Jesus! How long has it been since I actually shaved or plucked a hair on my body? I must look like Sasquatch or at least another dwarf to the elves. Do they have Sasquatch here? Inquiring minds want to know.

We walked and talked for hours. I honestly cannot remember all the topics of conversation, but it basically ran the gamut of what the real world was like, what I did back home, and stories of my travels. Elrond was genuinely interested in everything I said. He wasn't just feigning interest in order to get in my pants either. Once I had started to open up to him about home, he ceased his manipulative behavior and absorbed all the information. We walked and talked until the sun began to rise over the mountains behind us. By that point I was dead on my feet. Lord Elrond took pity on me and escorted me back to my room. He thanked me for the conversation and left to find his own rooms. I peeled the dress off my body, and after grabbing a t-shirt from my bag, I crawled into bed and drifted off into a dreamless sleep.