he put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
and finally drank away her memory
life is short but this time it was bigger
than the strength he had to get up off his knees

.

"Mama?"

Olivia pulled her cell phone from her ear as her son tiredly stumbled into her bedroom, his pyjama pants ridden half way up his legs and his hair slightly dishevelled.

"Hey buddy" She smiled, trying to hide the fact she's spent the last hour and a half crying in the bathroom but it didn't work

"Why you sad, Mama?" Zach tilted his head as he questioned his mother

"It's nothing, baby" Olivia replied quietly, cursing the inevitable moment when she would have to sit her young children down and tell them the tragedy of their grandfather's death.

Zach stepped closer to the bed when Olivia held her hands out for him, he grinned and jumped up onto his parents bed, quickly clambering up to his mother's side. She smiled sadly and kissed the mess of dark hair on the top of his head as he tightened his arms around his mothers middle and laid his head against her chest.

"I love you, little man, you know that right, I love you and your sister more than anything in the whole world" She kissed his head again and squeezed her arms around his smaller body

"More than cupcakes?" Zach asked as he looked up at his mother, his eyes wide "Because 'member we made those ones with Daddy and you said they were the best?"

Olivia laughed and kissed him again, tears pricking at behind her dark eyes at his beautiful innocence. "Even more than my birthday cupcakes"

"Then that's a lot Mommy" He giggled and leaned up for a kiss "I love you more than cupcakes too Mama and I love Lenny and Daddy that much too"

She pulled one arm away from her son and picked up her phone again, she had spent the last hour calling and texting her husband, hoping he was okay and that he wasn't about to do anything stupid. He never did well with his emotions, he'd hold everything in and then just explode when things got too much and she couldn't deny she was worried. Between the impending divorce, which neither of them had never really come to terms with, and now the death of his father, with whom he had always been close, Olivia was sure her husband was ready to break.

"Hey buddy, I'm gonna go check on your sister okay? And then I have to go out for a little bit, I'm gonna call aunt Casey and see if she can come and look after you both okay?"

Zach nodded against her chest "Okay Mama, I'll come and check on Lennon as well, I hope she feels better"

After waking her daughter up and giving her some more medicine and setting up a movie for Zach, Olivia went back into her bedroom and sat down gingerly on the bed, her head spinning, her stomach doing somersaults. She gripped the bedcovers between her fingers and took a few deep breaths; just yesterday she had woken up feeling better, the last thing she needed right now was to get sick again.

She searched through her phone and found Casey's number and hit call, sending a silent prayer that her best friend wasn't currently in the courtroom.

"Hey Liv, what's up?"

"Casey, hi" Olivia sighed "I have a favour to ask, are you free?"

"Not right now, I can be in about half an hour though, I need to find a judge and get a warrant signed and then I'm all yours, what's happened?"

"I-Brian's dad died about five hours ago…"

"Oh god Liv," Olivia could hear the sorrow in her friend's voice "I'm so sorry, hon. How's he doing? How are you?"

"I'm okay, I don't think it's really hit me yet but I'm worried about him Case" She ran her fingers through her hair "He wont answer my calls, I just wanna go and check on him, make sure he's not planning on doing anything stupid"

"You don't think he would do you?"

"No, of course not. I just, he had to tell his mom and sister. Jane called him from the hospital just after it happened, I dunno how they handled it and you know what he's like with emotions and all of that, I just wanna make sure that he's okay"

"I'll never understand why you two are going through a divorce" Casey sighed and muttered under her breath

"Case, please, not now"

"Sorry, sorry. I'll watch the kids; I'll be there within the hour okay? Just take it easy"

"Thanks Casey, I owe you one"

"I'm pretty sure you owe me almost a million by now Liv, but who's counting?" She smiled when her friend chuckled down the line.

"See you in a little bit"

Olivia hung up the phone and quickly checked on Zach before jumping into the shower. Her mind ran in circles as she blow dried her hair and changed into a pair of black leggings and an over-sized white tank top, grabbing one of Brian's old zip-up hoodie's that she'd stolen from him years ago and shrugging it over her shoulders.

Her cell phone buzzed on the bedside cabinet and she grabbed it and quickly answered "Brian?"

"No, sweetheart, it's Joan"

"Oh, Hey, I thought you-never mind. Hi, how are you doing?"

"I think we're all in a bit of shock"

"Yeah"

"I'm guessing Brian didn't come back and see you?" Joan, Brian's mother asked, concern laced in her soft voice

"No, no he didn't, I'm just gonna head over to his apartment, I wanted to make sure he was okay"

"Thank god." The older woman sighed "He needs you Olivia, darling. I know you're both going through some troubles and I don't want you to feel like I'm forcing you but he needs to talk to someone and you've always been the one to get him to open up"

"I know" Olivia ran her fingers through her hair and sat on the edge of her bed "How was he with you?"

"Closed off, I think everyone's in shock but he left so suddenly, I just wanted to see if he came to you"

"No, he didn't. He won't answer my calls either, that's why I'm going to see him, he can't shut everyone out"

"Thank you, Liv" Joan had always been a fan of Olivia ever since their first meeting, they always had a strong bond, even now Olivia and Brian were going through divorce, she would always think of her daughter-in-law as one of her own.

"Joan," Olivia sighed, "I'm so sorry about Michael"

"I know darling, me too. We hadn't been together for over thirty years and we both found love with other people but he gave me three wonderful children and for that, I will always love him"

.

"Lennon is in bed, she's still not feeling to great but I think it's just exhaustion, she's been throwing up for the past two days and barely slept at all but she should be out for the night now. Zach said he'll be very well behaved and go to bed when you tell him to…isn't that right Zach?"

Olivia raised her eyebrow at her son as she explained the situation to Casey.

"Yeah Mama, aunt Casey, you wanna watch toy story with me?"

"Of course I do, you know it's my favourite" Casey grinned at her godson and 'nephew'. She had been aunt Casey since Zach was born, for both he and Lennon.

"I shouldn't be long but…"

"Liv, don't worry about it. Go and see he's okay and if you're late, I know where the spare bedroom is" The redhead smiled at her best friend "Go, we'll be fine here, I've kept them overnight before, I know how they work"

"Thank you so much, Case" Olivia quickly hugged her friend and kissed her son on the head before grabbing her phone and wallet from the table and quickly running out the door.

.

"Brian, open this damn door right now!" Olivia raised her voice and banged her hand against the wooden door for what felt like the thousandth time in the last seven minutes.

"I swear to god, Bri…"

"Its open"

She took a deep breath as the grumble of her husband's voice filtered through his apartment. She slowly pushed the door open and saw straight through into the living room. He sat with his back to the door, on the floor between the black leather couch and the heavy, pinewood coffee table that was clear apart from five items. Three photos, a three-quarter empty bottle of whiskey and his gun.

Olivia threw her wallet, keys and phone on the kitchen counter before marching over to the table and grabbing his service weapon. She felt sick to her stomach and her heart launched itself to the back of her throat as she removed the clip and found a single bullet.

"You selfish bastard" She growled

"I was just cleaning it" He smiled, sarcasm written all over his drunken features.

She placed the gun beside her accessories and walked back over to him, standing over his shrunken frame "Seriously Bri, you were gonna eat your gun?" The tears from before and a fresh new batch pushed against her eyelids and she clenched them shut.

"No, I had a thought and it went away" She knew he was drunk, and she knew better than anyone that being sad, angry and drunk was not a good combination.

"You were right Liv" He said quietly, his fingers tracing over one of the photographs in front of him "About everything, you were so right"

Olivia sat down by his side and smiled at the photograph between his fingers. It had been taken last year at his mother's home in Queens. They were in the back yard, during summer time celebrating Joan's birthday, Olivia was sitting on a blanket on the grass, a younger Lennon in her lap, her little head thrown back in laughter as Zach held on tight to his mother's shoulders, he was looking away from the camera but the smile on his face was evident, so was Olivia's. Her eyes sparkled, her smile lit up the entire photo as she sat with her arms around her kids.

"This is my favourite" He smiled, running his fingers over the glossy paper "One of my favourites" he corrected himself.

Brian handed her the picture "You look so happy. I haven't seen you that happy for a long time and I'm so sorry" He slurred "You were right, I've been a shitty husband and you don't deserve that."

"Brian…"

"You deserve the world Olivia, I'm so sorry"

Olivia shook her head and wiped the tears from her eyes "Stop apologising, it's not your fault"

"If I was a better husband to you and a better father to our kids then you wouldn't need to divorce me" He pointed out "I love you so much. God Liv, you're the best you know that right?"

She smiled and touched his arm gently

"You are fucking everything to me and I've wrecked it all, I'm sorry" He swallowed another mouthful of the dark amber liquid, he was so far past numb that he couldn't even feel the burn in his throat.

Olivia pulled the bottle back from his hands and sat up on her knees "Brian, stop it. Please" She placed the bottle on her side, far away from his reach and cupped his face with her hands, her fingers scratching against the stubble on his cheeks as she turned him to face her.

"Remember our wedding day?" He whispered as he stared at her mouth "I promised you forever"

"Yeah, I remember" She smiled sadly

"I promised I'd always be there for you and for our family, I'd never let you down or intentionally hurt you"

She just nodded unable to find any words

"I guess I broke that promise huh?"

"No you didn't"

Brian turned away from her grasp, his hand falling to the photo on the table, the one of the two of them, neither of them looking at the camera, only at each other. It wasn't a posed photograph, it was a snap, a random moment in time caught perfectly by the photographer they had hired for the day. It was from their wedding day and the looks on their faces would never be compared.

"How did it go with your Mom?" She asked, clearing her throat, trying to change the subject for a moment.

"Fine, everyone's just in shock. Christy was there, she's upset obviously. Mom's gonna try and get a hold of Danny and tell him"

"How are you?"

"Fine" He replied, throwing a fake smile in her direction

"Don't lie to me" She gripped his arm "Talk to me Bri, please don't shut me out"

"My dad died, Liv" He scorned "There's not much else to say"

Olivia nodded and glanced down at the last picture on the table, one of Brian, his dad and herself on their wedding day, it was one of her favourite pictures from the whole day, taken at the reception everyone was so laid back and carefree, it was the best night of her life.

"You wanna just in the quiet for a while?"

Brian nodded and stared at the photo as she grabbed his free hand and pulled it to her lap, clasping it in both of hers, her fingers running over the rough skin. After a few minutes of silence she watched as he started to crumble, she wiped her own tears away before pulling him into her arms as he broke down crying. She quickly manoeuvred herself around as he wrapped his arms around her middle just as their son had done hours ago. She kissed the top of his head and whispered to him as her own tears fell from her eyes and landed in his hair.

"It's gonna be okay" She whispered "I promise babe, it's gonna be okay, everything's gonna work out"

After minutes of tears and apologies from them both, Brian pulled back and apologised for breaking down.

"You're allowed Bri, it's okay to not be fine"

He reached over and gently wiped the tears from her eyes "I'm sorry I made you cry"

"Maybe I just needed to cry as well" She shrugged and smiled

"I've made you cry too much over the last six months Liv, you don't deserve that"

"Brian, your father just died, you need to grieve, we can worry about us later"

"My family is falling apart. My wife filed for divorce, I barely see my kids and my dad just died." Brian remarked sadly "He's dead Liv, I know I need to grieve and I will. But I don't want to lose my family. I promised you that I would make you the happiest woman alive until the day that I die and I want fulfil that promise."

"Brian, don't, we can't talk about this now" She ran her fingers through her hair and stood up, wincing at the numbness in her legs

"Why not Liv? My dad died suddenly at the airport while on his way to come and see his family. He hadn't had any symptoms, he never felt ill, and he just died. I can't take that chance, I don't want to die not having fought for you and the kids"

"Is that why you had a single bullet in your gun?"

Brian shrugged and turned to face away from her again "Maybe I thought you guys would be better off without me"

"Please don't you dare ever say that again" She whispered "Please"

Brian stood and drunkenly stumbled towards her and apologised. "My dad always said 'if it's broke, fix it, don't just throw it away unless it's unfixable'"

He gently ran his fingers through her hair and tucked a stray strand behind her ear "Please Liv, let me fix it"

.

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lyrics: Whiskey Lullaby - Brad Paisley ft Alison Krauss

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