Seven

For every new student at Lakewood Elementary, their first lunch time was essentially an initiation. Cletus Nix, however, incited a coming-of-age for every Lakewood student on that fine, sunny Thursday.

Cletus had missed recess due to Mr. Ratburn's lecture about his story, 'Arthur and them castrated'.

(Flashback to recess)

"Cletus, I am an ardent believer in free speech, but there are some stuff that you just shouldn't say."

"I didn't say nothin', Mr. Ratburn."

Mr. Ratburn's sanity was dwindling by the minute at this point.

"You wrote on an entire desk about every single student in their class getting their genitals removed! How is that acceptable by any means?"

Mr. Ratburn couldn't believe that Cletus included him in his fucked-up story, too.

"I like hot dogs, Mr. Ratburn."

"Jesus fucking-"

"Jesus is a good man. Do not call Jesus that."

Mr. Ratburn had never attacked a student in his entire time teaching. This was an exception though. There were teachers younger than this pedophile. All of Mr. Ratburn's inner demons were released at that moment.

Cletus gagged as Mr. Ratburn clasped his hand around his neck.

"Cletus Nix, if you do one more thing to piss me off, you're getting kicked out of my class."

"Don't...kick..."

"IT'S A FUCKING PHRASE, YOU DIPSHIT."

Mr. Ratburn had to let Cletus go because he saw Mr. Marco in the hallway and couldn't risk anything. Maybe Cletus would choke on his lunch and then Mr. Ratburn could be spared the agony.

(End flashback)

However, since it was unconstitutional for the country bear to be deprived of his lunch, Cletus was in the cafeteria. He stood in the lunch line between that bunny chick with the striped shirt who never talked, and Buster Baxter.

"Mmm...lunch time," Buster commented, as he conventionally did every day.

Mrs. MacGrady decided to whip up a batch of country stew, chicken-fried steak and mashed potatoes because she got a complaint that making 'ethnic' food was cultural appropriation.

Cletus got an erection (which was the size of a micropenis) at the sight and smell of his good old Lahokia, Illinois. He started touching the dick, whilst standing in the lunch line.

The nameless bunny chick looked in horror at the grown-ass man playing with his thingie. At least No-Name wasn't included in that weird story he wrote during class.

Cletus hopped over the serving line, pummeling into Mrs. MacGrady. He knew that this was his food, and no one else's. If Mrs. MacGrady really wanted to avoid cultural appropriation, she should have made just Elwood City food. He shoveled all of the food into his mouth, while the elementary school students gathered around and stared in dismay.

"HE'S EATING MY FOOD!" Buster cried.

"I dunno," Binky replied, still thinking about his gang's epic plan for Friday night. "This is a really good weight loss program. It's even better than those Atkins bars that make me take a dump-"

Sue Ellen interjected, "I'm a vegetarian, so I couldn't care less if that pedo bear eats all of that food. At least I'm superior to him."

"Bacon's too good though," said Buster.

"I don't eat bacon because my family practices Judaism," said Francine. "Eating pork isn't kosher in our religion."

"You know there's vegetarian, kosher bacon, right?" Sue Ellen corrected.

Francine glared at her. Why was Sue Ellen always trying to one-up her? Francine knew that she and Arthur would end up together in the end. Sue Ellen's dad was such a travel whore that they could never find a place to settle. So Sue Ellen would be out of Elwood City in no time.

Maybe they'd go somewhere like Iran and never return... Such wishful thinking.

Then, out of the blue, Mrs. MacGrady took her last dying breath. Unbenknownst to Cletus, he had been standing on her chest during his buffet performance, hence suffocating her.

"Oh my God, he killed Mrs. MacGrady!" shouted Arthur.

"You bastard!" shouted Buster.

"Stop bullying me and my faith," said Cletus. He ran away crying.

The student body knew that they'd have to dispose of their beloved cafeteria lady's cadaver in the most discrete way possible. Plus, Mr. Haney would just say everyone was bullying Cletus if they snitched on him.

"Why don't we shove her in the oven, Sylvia Plath style?" Fern suggested.

Fern was a dark-twisted girl, but compared to Cletus' genital removal fetish, she was a total angel. That idea wasn't half-bad.

They hoisted Mrs. MacGrady's corpse all the way to the kitchen, opened the oven and shoved her in. Unfortunately, George was the last one to leave the scene of the crime, so when Mr. Haney came in for a phallic-shaped delicacy, he totally took things out of context.

"Why the fuck did you kill Mrs. MacGrady!?" Mr. Haney cried.

George shook. He was always the one left out, because Lakewood was full of fake-ass hoes. Especially that Muffy Cross-

"ANSWER ME!" Mr. Haney screamed at the top of his lungs.

"I didn't kill her!" George yelled.

Disregarding every single aspect of the American legal system, the Feds barged into the school cafeteria and threw George into a police car. Then, he was placed into Charlie Manson's recently vacated prison cell and left there for the rest of eternity.

Okay, yeah, I know this chapter was dark as hell and had way too many pop-culture references, but that's how I roll. Of course, we need to have some action in the story, of course. Because, of course, I should commit to all of the details in my plot summary.

Love ya lots!

~ TTW