Blood, Sweat, and Tears
Pairings: HP/SS, SB/RL
Rated: NC-17 (For FFnet purposes, strong M)
Category: Romance, H/C, Drama/Angst, First Time (Slightly AU for future, and Sirius' being alive. Completely ignores HBP and DH due to the fact that I'm lazy and started writing this before they came out.)
Summary: Harry Potter finds Severus Snape's emotional side after the Death Eaters discover Sev is a spy. What next? Warning: Detailed rape/Very emotional and traumatized Snape.
Disclaimer: I'm not an author, I just play one here.
A/N: A flip - side of the previous chapter! Enjoy!
Chapter 7: Severus's Questions
After Sev's panic attack, things seemed to go smoothly between Harry and him. Like before, they ate meals alone together, they talked, they understood each other relatively well. Harry comforted Severus when he needed it, he told him of his own haunting memories and thoughts, and of his struggles to cope and be who everyone wanted him to be, he cried with Severus, and Severus cried with him.
And as the days and weeks moved on, even as classes started up again after the summer vacation, their friendship grew stronger and stronger.
During a free period, after classes had ended and dinner had yet to be served, Severus sat alone in his rooms thinking.
He thought about Harry, seeing him that night and wanting to help, about Harry helping him during every step of the process he was now going through, trying to put memories behind him and leave himself open to what the future had in store for him. 'And Harry.' No. He also fought with one of the first questions he'd asked the other professor. When Harry was so kind to him, so understanding, and so helpful, Severus couldn't help but think about how it would be if they became more than friends. When he'd initially asked Harry this, he was not being specific. But the thought of something more than friendship with the only man who'd ever bothered to try to get inside his head for reasons other than using Severus to his advantage, intrigued Severus.
But would Harry ever want that with him?
Severus had thought many times of telling Harry about his past. He found himself making excuses not to.
'He'd never want to help me if he knew about me, about what I was, what I am. He'd never . . . he'd never love me back. He wouldn't. Not if I told him about myself. About how I became what I am.'
But he'd accepted him so far. He'd accepted every secret, every worry, every fear, everything. And helped him as he did so.
Would someone like that turn and run away if he knew that Severus was a monster?
'Yes. He would. Or he should, at the very least. He's too good for me. Too good for what I was and what I've become. He shouldn't love me, even if he ever could.'
But Severus was falling in love with him.
And the dispute over telling him was continuing to eat at him. He knew that, at the very least, Harry would probably not push him away. He'd think Severus was being silly, that he was wrong for thinking Harry could love him back. But someone so kind and understanding – he just may still accept Severus as a friend, albeit nothing more.
Was it worth the risk?
He would embarrass himself horribly if he told Harry. But he'd never know the answer unless he did. He'd never know whether to stop worrying about it.
The other man was so beautiful, so kind. So understanding (How many times had he thought that today?). He found that the more he healed, and the less he needed Harry, the more he truly needed him. Or was it wanted? He didn't know. All he knew was that he could trust Harry, and that maybe, just maybe, he was at the right place to start developing normalcy. And as he continued to heal, Harry continued to see him through every step, and he found that the more Harry helped him, the more Severus fell for Harry, and he found that he could be himself around the other man. When he had his weak moments, he didn't have to hide. He spoke to Harry as if they'd been friends for years, and Harry listened just the same. As such, when Harry told Severus of his past, it was Severus's turn to listen, and he did.
They'd say what they had to say and then one of them, depending upon in whose rooms they met, would go back to his rooms. Or sometimes, they fell asleep in each others' arms, each comforted by the other man's presence. When Harry made him feel safe, and welcome in his arms. Made him not quite so alone. Severus loved those nights.
But should he tell Harry that?