Thanks to Belle Morte Rising, kmcmillen423, and a guest for their reviews!
We're finally at the moment where Shepard tells someone the whole story about Akuze. Liara got a taste, but this is in Shepard's own words. Anyone tired of hearing about Shepard's issues on Akuze? I was trying not to overdo it, but it's important to why she doesn't have full confidence in her decisions or friendships yet. I also wanted to make sure it was explained well enough, because when Shepard gets to ME2 she HATES Cerberus. It was something I found to be lacking when I played the games. Enjoy and let me know what you think!
Taken Down By A Plant, Picked Up By A Friend
She woke to her head being cradled. Liara sat on the cot with her and was sleeping with her back against the wall; Shepard's head rested in her lap. Even in sleep, Liara's fingers curled into her hair when she felt Shepard try to move her head
"Shepard."
"Liara, what happened? What's going on?" Shepard asked.
"You were sick. Dr. Chakwas thinks it was some residual poison from a thrall. Normally, your body would have fought it off, but Dr. Chakwas thinks that two melds in one day, especially since it was your first experience with one, put your body under a lot of strain. Add the stress you're under, and your immune system was vulnerable. It simply didn't know how to handle a foreign toxin. How do you feel?" Liara asked, anxiously searching Shepard's face.
"I feel pretty normal How did you end up on the bed with me?" Shepard asked. She hated to admit how much she was enjoying the contact with Liara.
Liara looked a little embarrassed before explaining, "I just thought I'd stay here, and make sure you were alright," she said, not fully answering the question.
Shepard turned to look out of the medbay windows and saw that the ship lights were still dimmed. The rest of the crew must still be asleep. Liara stood to go back to her room, but Shepard put a hand out to stop her.
"Do you think you might stay? I think I'd like to have a friend tonight," Shepard murmured. Liara looked surprised but eventually smiled. She grabbed an extra cot and pushed it so she would be next to Shepard. Neither one of them spoke about what Liara had read in Shepard's thoughts. Shepard knew it was a bad idea to try a relationship with one of her crew; she had learned that on Akuze. But it was hard to walk away from Liara. Maybe she would have to put distance between them tomorrow, but tonight she just wanted her to be near. Once Liara situated herself on the cot, Shepard surprised herself by reaching out and taking Liara's hand. Liara didn't pull it away, and that's how the morning and Dr. Chakwas found them.
"Commander, you should be fine if you take it slow. Joker informed me that we will reach Noveria this evening. Now, that should give your body plenty of time to physically recover, and you can charge off tomorrow morning. But only if you follow my instructions and don't push yourself today. I'm putting you on bed rest for the entire day; you may leave this bed only for a trip to the bathroom. If all goes well, you'll be in fighting shape again by the morning," Dr. Chakwas said.
Shepard grimaced at the prospect of staying in bed all day. Wrex was going to have a field day making fun of her. Shepard was also still a bit embarrassed that Dr. Chakwas had found her still holding Liara's hand in her sleep. No doubt Dr. Chakwas had expected Liara to relocate to her room at some point in the night. When woken, Liara had hurried out on the premise of going to the showers. However, Chakwas said nothing, and Shepard knew it wouldn't leave the walls of the medbay. She held Dr. Chakwas in the highest respect, not only for her medical skills, but for her ability to keep information to herself when she knew it wasn't the crew's business. Like anyone in the crew needed to know how many times the doctor had managed to get Shepard to cry out while she extracted bullets and shrapnel, or that Shepard had needed a hand to hold on what was truly a terrible night.
Shepard slumped against the pillows, trying to think what she was going to do all day. She didn't get to think long before the hulking shape of Wrex pushed through the doorway.
"Shepard!" Wrex looked her over. "You look fine, not even a new scar. Why are you still in that bed?"
Dr. Chakwas interrupted, "The commander is on bed rest, with emphasis on the word rest. You are not to goad her out of that bed, Wrex, unless you want us to have to orbit Noveria for several extra days while we wait for Commander Shepard to recover."
"You've got a point, doctor. We wouldn't want someone else to drive the Mako; we might actually make it somewhere without crashing," Wrex grinned.
"Please, Wrex, my driving isn't that bad. And I don't crash the Mako…often," Shepard replied.
"Oh, so that's why three of the four Mako tires were melted by molten lava on Therum? You wanted to drive through molten rock on purpose?" Wrex said.
"Am I not entitled to a few mistakes? That terrain was tricky!" Shepard said.
"Ha! Maybe it would be difficult for a pyjack with its eyes closed!" Wrex said. Shepard had no response and just frowned in return. Wrex chuckled and spoke again, "Well, Shepard, I guess I'll let you get to that rest. Just thought I'd stop by to see the great Commander Shepard taken down a notch by a plant."
Shepard threw one of her pillows at his retreating figure.
She felt like she had fallen asleep, but the clock read that only an hour had passed; it was still late morning. Shepard woke to see Ashley sitting in a chair in the corner, reading a book of poetry by Walt Whitman. Ashley quietly turned the pages, absorbed in their contents. Shepard watched her read, her violet eyes soft with emotion. The younger woman was determined to be her friend. It was both annoying and endearing, almost like a younger sister. Ashley doesn't understand what happens to people who get close to me, Shepard thought. Shepard drew Ashley's attention by pushing herself into an upright sitting position. Her numerous pillows made it easy to rest back against them without having to lie back down.
"Skipper, how are you feeling?" Ashley asked, rising out of the chair to stand next to the bed.
"I feel a little tired, but that's about it. I hope you haven't been sitting here long?" Shepard said.
"Not too long, Commander. Besides, you know how I like the opportunity to read," Ashley said. Shepard had a curious look on her face, and Ashley sensed she wanted to talk to her about something. She waited for Shepard to make the first move.
"Ash, I find myself in need of some advice. To be clear, this is not an order from your commander. This is a request from…a friend," Shepard hesitated on the last word, but knew she couldn't back out of this now.
Ashley was surprised, but tried not to show it. "Of course, Commander, whatever you need," Ashley said.
"For this conversation, go ahead and call me Shepard," the commander said.
Ashley nodded, then grabbed her chair from the corner and straddled it backwards next to the bed.
"I am not an unkind person, Ashley. I don't take pleasure in pushing my peers away, in pushing you away. It is necessary. Why do you continually fight against me? Why do you need to be my friend so badly?" Shepard said. The lines on her face had never seemed so prominent; she looked tired.
"Shepard I…don't know. You remind me of my sisters, and you weren't friends with anyone else. Everyone needs a friend, someone to talk to. I guess I wanted to make sure you at least had that opportunity," Ashley said.
"What makes you think I don't have friends outside of the Alliance that I talk to?" Shepard asked.
Ashley actually snorted in amusement before saying, "Please, Shepard, you're the only person on this ship who doesn't take personal calls. I've seen you make only one, from your mother, and you weren't even happy afterwards. I don't understand why you don't allow yourself to have any friends."
Shepard was uncomfortable with the conversation, but all of her feelings had been building up for some time; she just needed to tell someone. Her mind went back to the feeling of being held in Liara's arms; her head swam with the intoxication. But she couldn't. She couldn't cross those lines. For the first time in a long time, she wanted someone to know exactly why. Maybe it was just because of the date; Akuze was on her mind. She knew Ashley was trustworthy.
"Ashley, do you know what today is?" Shepard asked, but continued without letting her answer. "It's the anniversary of my failed mission on Akuze. At this time six years ago, my platoon was landing on Akuze to find the colony had been deserted. The settlement was fine, not even structural damage, but every human was gone. We searched everywhere, but finally it started getting dark so we made camp. I woke disoriented, dirt was flying everywhere. I don't even remember leaving my tent. I had no armor, and I carried only the pistol I kept under my pillow. I finally realized thresher maws were attacking us, and gathered with the rest of the marines alive from the first attack. I was relieved when I saw Elise had made it and was in the group; she was my best friend. We had gone through N7 training together, plus several intense missions. She saved my life more times than I could remember, and I told her everything. There were only a few soldiers with biotics in the group, and even fewer that could send out anything strong enough to deter the thresher maws. Our bullets weren't doing anything against their tough skin, and we had no heavy weapons. We were lucky that someone was smart enough to send out the distress beacon. We started moving from cover to cover; we couldn't let the acid touch us, but if we stayed in one place for too long the thresher maw would just tunnel down and attack from below. Soon, there were only seven marines left, including myself and Elise. We had started with 51 marines," Shepard said somberly.
She took a moment and continued, "I was the only biotic left, and my strength was quickly failing. I couldn't handle throwing barriers over seven of us, plus coming up with a strong enough warp to hit the thresher maws that came too close. We had been fighting to survive for at least five hours by then and I started feeling dizzy. Maybe that's why I didn't feel the ground underneath me vibrating; this was the sign a thresher maw would soon emerge. I guess the others were just as tired, and we barely moved before the monster plowed out of the earth. Elise wasn't as lucky; she couldn't get out of the way in time. I was so upset, my tired brain convinced me she might still be alive; I could still save her. I ran away from the other marines and toward the hole the thresher maw had left in the ground, the hole where Elise should have been standing."
Shepard stopped speaking, lost in the memory. She had knelt at the edge of the hole, crying Elise's name, and asking her to come back. Don't leave me. Please! Elise, you can't be dead; I still need you. Come back. Please come back. Shepard had sobbed ignoring the screams of the marines that were being slaughtered by the thresher maw.
"I killed them. My responsibility for the death of those five men is the same as if I pulled my gun out and shot them myself. I knew my biotics were the only thing keeping the thresher maw away from them, and I left them anyway. I didn't even bat an eyelash when I heard them screaming behind me. I was so lost in grief that I killed five good men. Maybe I should say four good men. Corporal Toombs is still alive, but it's no thanks to me. Who knows? We might have held together until morning and Cerberus would never have gotten their hands on him. It was then that I realized my mother's lectures had always been right. 'There is no room for love in the Alliance,' she always said. If I had been able to control my personal feelings, those men might still be alive. Who's to say the same thing won't happen here? I let myself be friends with you, and later I care so much about keeping you alive that I kill someone else? I can't be friends with you and be your commander. It isn't possible, Ashley."
"Bullshit, Shepard," Ashley said, standing angrily. Shepard watched her with surprise, but couldn't come up with something to say.
"If I had let my mistakes or the mistakes of my family control my life I wouldn't even be in the Alliance. First of all, it was those Cerberus bastards that did this, not you. Second, those medals the Alliance gave you weren't just for show; what you did was damned impressive. Finally, you did the best you could with a horrible situation. Maybe you made one mistake and let your feelings take over at a bad time, yeah, but those men were probably going to die anyway. You would've died keeping those barriers over five other people and then they would've been screwed anyway. So you get up and promise yourself you'll never do that again. That's not what you've been doing. You've been making sure you don't have any personal feelings to cloud your judgment, instead of working to separate them from your judgment. What your mother said was crap; there is room for love in the Alliance.
"In fact, I believe you have to love other people and your team to do our job. Our oath is to protect the weak. But why do we care at all? Why do we risk our lives for people we don't even know?" Ashley said, pacing beside the bed. "We do it because when we look into the eyes of a stranger that needs our help, we see our friends and family in their eyes. We see someone else's sister or son. If you don't care about anyone, you would look into their eyes and see…nothing. You would see a stranger whose life doesn't matter!"
"And what about when I value someone on my team over the people we're supposed to save? Then I've just set myself up to fail all over again!" Shepard said, getting just as worked up as Ashley.
"The best damn soldier I've ever known once told me, 'there's always another way'. Shepard, you follow your own advice and find another damn way," Ashley said, locking eyes with her.
Shepard was thoughtful before she spoke quietly,"Thank you, Ashley. I'll think on what you said."
"You'll get it done, Commander," Ashley said. She paused a moment, then bent down to give a surprised Shepard a brief hug before turning on her heel and walking out of the medbay.