Hello everyone, coyotegirl here.

First off, I am sorry to all of my followers who believe this may be an update. I hate to officially say it but college and my life have been too busy and I've lost my muse for writing. The loss of my muse didn't come from a negative cause either but from a positive one. My writing comes from the sorrow in my soul, all my rage and sadness and pain is what makes me so creative and what fueled my original characters. These emotions fueled my character because my character was me. Over the past year I have been dating the most wonderful person in the world. He has picked me up and put me back together and is the reason I am making this post, because he has made me realize a few things about myself that I was never able to see before and if you don't mind reading my rant go ahead. I'm sad to say but most of you probably closed the page after you saw that there will be no more updates, however for the few of you who care about my life here is a list of the reasons I no longer need to vent through writing.

I know I am beautiful.

This is actually one of the hardest realizations I have ever come to, and you must know I am not being conceited but instead I am seeing what a few people in my life have seen for some while. Before last night while I lay awake watching my love I had never thought of myself as beautiful. I have spent the past twenty years of my life in a living hell. My mother was verbally, physically, and psychologically abusive and while my father didn't hit us with his fists…words can hurt a hell of a lot more. Between living in that hell, people around me also made my life hell. Between being told I need to lose weight and wear makeup and even my own father saying I need a tit job…I had no self-esteem at all. I was a pillar that had been worn down and finally felled, broken on the ground and useless. And then a miracle happened. Someone happened upon my ruins and saw something of great worth. Over the course of a year with much suffering and pain they pieced together my ruins and helped craft me into something of wonder. I am nowhere near whole, there are still cracks in my heart and my head, but I am now something. I am no longer a nothing that is meant to be stepped on and abused, I have use and feeling and hope. That is why I am beautiful. Not because of my weight or my face or my size or shape, but because of the hardships I have endured and come through even stronger. It no longer matters that I'm a size sixteen, or that I weigh 200 pounds or that I have glasses or scars, because I am me and I don't hide it. The reason I'm a size sixteen? It's because I have huge hips, nothing to it they'd be bony if I was anything lower than 180 pounds. My weight, it's probably because I bike and do archery and can work just as hard as any man in manual labor. My glasses, genetics. My scars? They give me character. I may still have issues but I can now embrace myself. And that is why I am beautiful to my fiancé and now…to myself.

I have a right to freedom

As I stated before I come from an abusive childhood. My father was depressed and mildly alcoholic, and to this day he does not know of what my mother put me and my sister through. Coming from a childhood like this, where you have to walk on eggshells with anyone and everyone…you lose hope. It doesn't help that my parents pushed me to do a lot of things. They pushed my grades, I may be naturally smart but there is only so much I can do, and eventually they pushed me too far. I have suffered from mental breakdowns and anxiety and depression since I was a freshman in high school, because I cracked from the weight of the world. My parents also pushed their hopes and dreams onto my life and stole my choice. I am an engineer because it is what they wanted me to do, and even though I enjoy certain aspects of it I feel robbed of my life and my joy and my youth. I feel like a bird in a gilded cage desperately trying to escape when no one is looking, and singing like a beautiful songbird the next. My choices and free will were robbed from me before I could even form myself, because when you live in fear you become what your abuser wants. If you don't want to rock the boat you mold to the form you are pushed into until you break. And I have been so broken for so many years. I've contemplated suicide more times than I can count, I have burnt and pinched and scratched away the pain until I was numb. Then a light shone in my darkness and I was shown that freedom is a right that I am not a puppet on strings but instead a bird that can fly as far as her wings can carry her. I shouldn't have to make everyone else happy at the sacrifice of my own sanity. Yes I still enjoy making people smile and helping them because it warms my soul, but I don't have to slice my heart from my chest and keep quiet to live the life someone else wanted. Yes my parents weren't the best, but I still love them and I forgive them because they had their own issues to deal with. However the chain stops with me, abuse is not an excuse to take your woes out on your children. A child is not some moldable thing, or a canvas to draw your masterpiece on. I now realize I am allowed to be free and allowed to say no and allowed to do whatever the heck I want. All I want is the freedom to be able to visit my fiancé when I want to, or take a drive to north Carolina to visit my wonderful soon to be sister in law. I have the freedom to learn martial arts and spar and get bruised and have fun. I'm twenty for the love of all that is holy I at least deserve the freedom to speak my mind! I apologize for the rant, I don't expect anyone to read this far anyway but I digress and continue to point three.

I am adored.

As I lay in bed this morning with my love cradling me in his arms, I took a moment to think of how he sees me. To him I am the same thing he is to me. He was just as broken if not more so than I was when we first met. We both have PTSD and depression and anxiety and so many other woes. But we saw each other's brokenness and mended it piece by piece without realizing the other was doing the same. I didn't care for him to reciprocate; I just wanted to help him be whole again. And piece by piece we have made each other whole; we have helped the other feel worthy. To him I am his cute little angel, pudge and all. He looks in my eyes and sees nothing but love, even when I'm screaming at him during an episode of panic or ranting about some little thing he did to annoy me, because he knows that to me he is the rock on which I lean when I need rest. He sees a woman who has always been herself and that has never put up a front. He loves me because I AM me. I am the only woman, person even, who has not tried to use him as a step up or as a toy. I treat him like the wonderful caring human being he is, because he is my savior from my own mind. There are so many little things that could have kept us from ever meeting each other, and I thank God that he arranged them all in the perfect way so that we found a love purer that any I've seen. This isn't a fairy tale, we fight and we argue…but in the end we have forged a bond so strong that it seems as if our hearts are one and our souls sing whenever we are together and mourn so loudly that mountains fall when we have to be apart. He has shown me that people can care and that not everyone is out to get me. He has brought me closer to God and has sewn together the scraps of my heart. So I can truly say I am adored.

As a final note I thank everyone who read my confession to the end. I wish my words could truly describe the monumental shift I have felt in my life, but I can't describe it because I didn't truly see and feel it til 4am when I was wide awake with worry and stress about my life. Anyway, thank all of you who have read or commented on my story. Every single one has brought me joy and if you want to feel free to pm me, but I understand if you didn't even make it this far into my note. However for the few of you who have, thank you and may you have a wonderful life. There is always light no matter how dark the night may be, sometimes it just takes some searching. Coyotegirl56 out…