Three months later

Anyone who didn't know better would say Ezra had fully recovered from his experience. The limp was noticeable only when he was extremely tired. He smiled at all passersby, tipping his hat to the ladies, tousling the hair of the young boys who ran up begging for card tricks. He would show them some fancy shuffles and flourishes, but never looked at the face of a single card. The children were so dazzled by the charm, and the offer of some of the always available hard candy, that they rarely noticed until later there had been no trick. They were too young to realize that that was, in fact, his best trick.

That was one of the 'tells' his friends had spotted. Ezra not being willing to join in on a poker game was like a disruption of nature itself. He would watch them play, but often from a distance. If the game got noisy, or strangers got involved, he still had a tendency to disappear for the night. When that happened, Vin grabbed his bedroll and camped outside Ezra's room for the night, always leaving before the action was discovered. He listened as Ezra screamed, or cried in his nightmares. The one time he had opened the door and stepped in, it only created more panic. So now he stood watch, ready to be there if needed, and praying it wouldn't get that bad.

Ezra finally wore his gun again, but as yet had shown no inclination to take up his full duties. He still rode with the others on afternoon patrol, and was now going out on his own for social visits, especially to Nettie's. Dusk still had him safely back in town every time with Chaucer stabled for the night. But now, Ezra could venture outside. Not far, and not for long, but he was no longer trapped when darkness fell.

He carried himself differently. He'd always been aware of his surroundings – he'd learned he had to be. But now it was more intense, more alert. Only those who know him well could really see it.

Some changes, everyone had noticed. Ezra still dressed well, clean and polished. But the flare, the style, was gone. The clothing in his wardrobe that he could now wear again remained mostly untouched. His riding clothes these days were much more function than fashion and he wore a plain dark cowboy hat when he rode.

Time had helped. The smile seemed to be genuine again, even if it occasionally seemed a bit haunted. The laughter was back, although rarely boisterous enough to allow anyone to see the gap where a gold tooth had been.

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It was a sunny Tuesday afternoon. He had been determined to keep himself busy for the day, not wanting to allow his brain time to think about the anniversary. One year since he left town for what should have been a routine outing. He couldn't quite believe so much time had passed when things were so fresh in his mind. Of course, the memories might be that fresh because many of them were, for him, new. Flashes of what had happened had been coming back for some time. Often in nightmares that left him feeling drained and numb. That was bad enough, but when a moment came to mind in the middle of a conversation, or during a pleasant dinner, the stress of experiencing it while trying to hide it from others was often more than he thought he could handle.

He was sure they knew. Not only that he was remembering. That was impossible to hide. But worse, they knew what he was remembering. The threats to shoot him, the threats to keep him alive, to keep torturing him in so many ways. The injuries to not just his body, but to his being. He'd heard enough of the whispered concerns, seen enough of the pity on their faces. And in many ways, that was harder for him to accept than the memories of what had happened.

The six men stood watching as he approached, his smile faltering slightly as he saw the looks on their faces. They'd reached a conclusion of some kind, and Ezra had a fear he was not going to like it.

"We need to talk Ezra. We need to know where things stand."

"This may not be the ideal time to discuss matters Chris."

"I doubt there is an ideal time. Not for this talk. And I'm sorry, but some things need to be said."

"Nobody's mad at you Ezra. There's no trouble here." Josiah hope to squelch any fears before they developed.

"Look, Ezra. You know we're all glad you're back in town, and back to being, well, back to being more yourself." Nathan smiled. "And if that's as far as things go, we can understand that."

"What he's getting at Hoss, is we kinda like to know if you plan on riding with us again? Really riding, you know what I mean?" Buck cut to the chase. "We know you can still shoot if you want to."

"Likely saved my life proving that one to us," Josiah pointed out needlessly.

"And mine," JD added.

"The real question is, is that what you want?"

"What I want, and what I can do, may be two entirely separate matters Chris. That incident they speak of was, for me, terrifying. Even with the time that has passed, it still terrifies me when I think on it. Had it gone on much longer, I feel I might well have lost my nerve, and those consequences would have been most unpleasant for all concerned. I generally believe things are better now, but I remain unconvinced that I can be relied upon. That still makes me far to large a risk for any of you to have to ride with."

"I can understand that too." Chris responded. "Nobody wants you doing anything you aren't comfortable with. Ain't confident in."

"Are you going to stick around Ezra?" JD voiced the question they all feared the most.

Ezra felt a comfort wash through him at the question and the looks it inspired. "Where else would I go, JD? I am home here, am I not?"

"We want to be sure you feel that way."

"I have many ways to earn my keep here in Four Corners. I have been approached by Mrs. Potter and others for assistance with their bookkeeping. Some have even broached the subject of my teaching some of the basics to the children, although I have no doubt a few are concerned about exactly what I might teach them. As long as I can be useful, I shall remain."

"You don't have to worry about being useful Ezra. I have the impression you can always find a way to make yourself indispensable." Nathan grinned.

"I do endeavor to achieve that status." He looked at the relieved faces, and made his decision he'd been debating for days. "Before I take on any such tasks, I will be leaving Four Corners." He held up a hand to defend off comments. "For a short period, I assure you."

They were quiet, remembering how his last short trip had turned out. Vin realized with a start that it had been a year since that day. "You want one of us with you Ezra?" he asked softly.

"No. I cannot spend the remainder of my existence running from imaginary enemies, living in unrealistic fear."

"Nothing imaginary or unrealistic about what happened to you."

"I know that Chris. Believe me, I am fully aware. Now that all of the memories have returned, I shall never be unaware of how real it all was."

"I didn't mean…"

"Please – don't. I am done with having people apologize for every word and deed. ""

"Ezra, what happened to you was –"

"Not your fault. Not anyone's fault. You had no way to prevent it, no way to know what it happened."

"We should've looked harder for you." Buck still held self-directed anger over that issue. "Looked sooner."

"Why would you? It was some time until my absence was noted, because I was not expected back. By the time you were aware there was an issue, the deed was done. I hold none of you to task."

"And after that?" Buck said, his voice still thick with guilt.

"After that, what? What were you to do? Circumstances conspired against me gentlemen. From the moment I sat at that card table, fate took its opportunity to balance the scales. My less than honourable opponents were only the first stage." He paused, allowing a moment to calm himself.

This was the first time he had spoken of any of this to anyone other than Nettie. She had listened with patience and compassion on many occasions in recent times. Every bad dream had brought with it more recollections. Ezra had known from the first night that Vin stood watch over those terrors. It both mortified and comforted him to know that he was not alone, but he had never been ready to discuss the details. He harboured the hope that he might someday return to his role in this town, and could not imagine doing so if he had to share that history with them. He was relieved as the nightmares faded away enough to free Vin from his overnight vigils.

Nettie had been there to see it all in the first days. She'd helped him as a mother would help a sick child. She'd seen the scars, all of them, and had deduced the ones that were invisible. He had opened up to her in a way that he could never have dreamt of doing to even his own mother, let alone his colleagues – his brothers. He had no doubt that what sanity he could again claim ownership of would have been impossible without her.

"Everything that happened from that card game to the moment Judge Travis took me from the hospital was beyond the control of anyone here. And I say anyone quite deliberately. One conclusion I have reached, thanks in no small part to Mrs. Wells, is that I should no longer feel guilt or shame for what was done to me. While there are still frequent moments I must remind myself of that, and probably will have to do so until I draw my last breath, I do know it to be true."

Chris said a silent prayer of thanks. He believed Ezra meant what he had just said. Knowing that, it meant that he, that all of them, could learn to move on from the horrors of the experience. It would never be forgotten, but at least it didn't control him any longer.

"That why you need to leave town?" Vin asked.

"In part. It is, I believe, that last significant barrier I need to pass. I fervently hope that a successful journey will solidify the confidence that still seems to allude me. Will prove to me that I can return to the position here I long to reclaim. As fortune would have it, Judge Travis will be on the stage coming through tomorrow, and I can start my voyage with a friend, without inconveniencing any others. I assure you, whatever comes of this trip, I shall return. And, if it will help assuage any fears, I will telegraph you an update of my whereabouts whenever possible."

He laughed when six voices spoke saying that was not needed at the same time they all nodded acceptance of the offer.

"Tell me Ezra, have you let Inez know you're heading out of town?" Buck's grin had a decidedly impish factor to it which puzzled the gambler.

"No. Why would I? Oh, of course. No Buck, she is perfectly capable of handling any business matters, but yes, it would be a courtesy on my part to see that she is aware of my departure."

JD looked at Buck. "Is he really that dense?"

Buck nodded sadly. "Looks like it."

"Gentlemen, I am not finding this discussion either entertaining or illuminating."

Chris took pity on him. "Ezra, you really haven't noticed anything from her? Anything about how she feels about you?"

Ezra shook his head emphatically. "No. You are quite incorrect in any such assumptions. At best, we have a working relationship, connected only by our association regarding the saloon." Ezra desperately hoped that was true, but the looks on the faces of the others seemed to negate that idea.

"She cannot have feelings for me. It – it wouldn't be right."

Nathan was surprised by Ezra's comment. "You can't mean to tell me you think there would be something wrong about the two of you going out together? You don't still think that way?"

"What the hell do you mean it wouldn't be right?" Buck sought to fight of the first feelings of anger he'd had toward Ezra in a long time. "Something wrong with her taking a shine to you? Other than maybe her judgement."

"That is precisely what is wrong with the situation. Her judgement." Ezra replied quietly.

Chris shook his head. "You sayin' you don't think she's good enough for you?" He couldn't believe that was the Ezra's opinion, but couldn't figure out what else he was getting at.

"Dear God, no."

"No, he's not." Josiah turned Ezra to face him directly. "You're thinking you aren't good enough for her, right?" Ezra didn't react to the comment. "Lack of confidence in that area of your life has never been one of your failings son. Why do you say that now?"

"Because it is true. I would be an unsuitable companion for her."

Chris struggled to keep his temper. "Because of what happened to you? Thought you just finished telling us you know that wasn't your fault."

"Blame has nothing to do with it. It does not change the fact that I am not worthy of the company of any woman, let alone someone as – as special – as she is."

"Are you completely loco?" Buck could not believe what he was hearing.

"Are you familiar with the expression 'damaged goods'?"

"Yes. Are you familiar with the expression 'you're being an idiot'?" Buck answered. He looked at Ezra, staring him down.

"This is not up for discussion. I cannot provide her with what she would want. Would need." He turned to leave.

Vin spoke quietly. "She's still wearing the ring Ezra." He stopped his retreat. "Still has it on a chain around her neck. Pretty sure she only ever once took it off from the minute Chris and Buck gave it to her. They did that 'cause they could see how she felt. Took it off when she tried to give it back to you. You weren't ready then, and she's been to afraid to try again since. That's how much she cares. She willing to holding onto something that reminds her of one of the scariest moments in her life, because it's your ring. And I think she figures it might be the only part of you she'll ever get to hold on to."

"She deserves more."

"She deserves to be with the man she cares about." Buck answered.

"I'm not good –"

"That should be her decision. She deserves that too."

Ezra turned back to look at them all with a faint look of hope in his eyes. "You believe, you truly believe, she could get past what they – what happened?"

"She doesn't have to. You do." Nathan answered.

"And I'm betting she'd really like the chance to help you do that." JD added.

Ezra stood quietly for a minute. "Well," he finally spoke, "I suppose I should let her know I am going out of town, and we can see if any other matters come up for discussion." Smiling again, he turned away only to be stopped by Chris.

"There's one more thing Ezra. Don't know how much you remember about your first day home. I said something to you then, and I need to know you heard it. I told you then that I never thought, not for a minute, that you had run out on us. Not one of us did. We wished we could, because we knew that could only mean something bad had happened. But we all knew you didn't run out. You need to know that."

Ezra swallowed the lump in his throat. "I know Chris. I heard you that day. I believe - no, I know in my heart – it is a key factor in why I can stand here now."

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"Do you think I might have a moment of your valuable time to speak privately?"

Inez looked up from the bar and scanned the empty saloon. "I doubt that things could get much more private Señor," she teased lightly.

Ezra looked around and became slightly flustered. This was not getting off to a good start. "Yes, I suppose so. Might we sit for a moment then?"

The smile stayed on her face, but dread filled her heart. "Of course." She nervously joined him.

"I was advised, that is, it was suggested to me, and I believe it to be of valid suggestion, one that I should've considered on my own, and cannot understand why I failed –"

"Please, Señor Ezra?"

"Yes, sorry. I wanted to let you know that I will be leaving Four Corners."

She was certain her heart stopped. She knew it had been broken. "I see. I understand. When do you expect to leave?"

"Tomorrow."

"So soon? I suppose you will be sending for your things when you have decided –"

"No. Oh no. You have misunderstood. Or rather, I have misspoken. I am leaving, but will be returning. I am not abandoning the town," he smiled hesitantly, "or anyone in it." He couldn't explain why he suddenly felt like a schoolboy with a crush.

"Coming back? You will return Señor?"

"Inez, do you suppose for the sake of my nerves in this conversation I could convince you to simply call me Ezra? I now understand how frustrating the formal address can become."

"Of course – Ezra. How long will you be gone?"

"I am not certain. Several weeks most likely, but not beyond two months."

"Two months sounds like forever." She looked up, mortified when she realized she had spoken aloud.

Ezra felt a wave of relief. The others had been correct. It was immediately followed by a wave of terror at the fact the others had been correct.

"I am sorry Señ – Ezra. I should not have spoken."

"On the contrary. You should have spoken much earlier. We both should have."

"Then you also –?" She was afraid to finish the question.

"I believe I have had feelings for you almost from the moment we met. However, as you seemed far less attracted to me, and given Buck's persistent advances, I did not see a reason to give myself false hope."

"You did not think the fact that I continued to reject those advances meant something?"

"In hindsight, I concede it would have been a reasonable conclusion. And you? Why did you say nothing?"

"It is not a woman's place." Her reply was so demure Ezra had to bark out a laugh.

"I have never known you to pass by the opportunity to seek out anything you desired, including the position of managing this facility. Your gender has never once factored into your objectives."

"I did not believe you could be interested in me," she admitted.

"Why ever not? Did you think I was blind?"

"I was hoping it would go beyond that," she countered.

"And it would. It does. Sadly, it cannot be." He turned away, unable to face her with this fact.

"Yes. Propriety exists, even in Four Corners."

Ezra looked back. "Propriety? That has nothing to do with this. It simply would not do for you to be seen with someone like me. You deserve so much better. So much more." He stood to leave, but she grabbed at his arm.

"No, wait. What do you mean better? Have you not come to accept that you are not the man you used to be?"

Ezra's face fell even further. "That, my dear, is precisely the problem. I am not." This time she stood, blocking his path.

"Madre de Dios! That is not what I meant. Ezra, this, what happened to you. It changes nothing."

"It changes everything. I am not proper companionship for you. For any woman." He stared at her, praying she understood without needing any further explanation.

"There is more than one way to measure the worth of a man. Having the courage to face what you did and recover from it. And now to come to me like this, that is the kind of man any woman would be proud to be with. And as for any other matters, well, it is entirely possible you simply have not had the – how does one say it – 'inspiration' you might require." She leaned closer, pulling him gently toward her by the lapels until their lips met. She did not let go until they were both in danger of passing out.

"So, do you think there is a chance I might be able to provide any of the required inspiration Ezra?"

Ezra smiled slowly. "I cannot say for certain, but I do believe I shall thoroughly enjoy the investigation of the possibilities. It is quite likely this is a matter that will be requiring a great deal of attention when I return."

"So, you still have to leave?"

"Yes, for many reasons. That hasn't changed. My motivation for a speedy return however has been significantly increased." He turned to leave once again, this time with a much broader smile on his face. He only got a few steps before turning back.

"I believe you have something that you have been keeping safe for me. I wonder if I could ask you now to return it."

Her hand went to her neck with a chain still rested. "Of course." She was obviously confused and disappointed.

"I ask only because I have long held onto that ring with one very specific purpose in mind. I believe, in the not too distant future, I may need to offer it, and it would be far more appropriate to have it in my possession when that time comes."

He was gratified to see the blush on her face as she handed the ring back to him.

tbc

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