A/N: Hello and welcome back to Burnt Rice! This was, like the rest of them, a difficult chapter for me to right. I think I probably spent more time bugging my friends about it then actually writing, not that that's different then usual, but yeah.
This chapter focuses mostly on Tohru-kun, and the warping and changing of her feelings for Akito. It's not a happy chapter, not by any stretch of the imagination. But there will be happiness again at some point…though it'll probably be of a rather spiteful nature. Anyways, read on and enjoy yourselves!
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Burnt Rice
Chapter Seven – Distortion
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Tohru sets her kid up in a baby swing, props her with a pillow since she's probably too small. She knows it isn't really safe, that she should wait a couple months for this but Taeko-chan has never known a single thing that's fun. Tohru can't imagine when the girl will get the chance again, so she settles her in and starts pushing. When the swing goes up she kicks her feet, shrieks and flails and reaches out for Mommy. Tohru swoops her up so fast the tears stop, now she's gaping open-mouthed and struggling for freedom. "Oh sweetie, I'm sorry if you didn't like the swings," Mommy murmurs, hands through her baby's hair and Taeko once again starts sobbing. "I'm sorry, we don't have to do that anymore. It's okay. It's okay. Mommy's here."
She and Yuki walk in silence to sit on a park bench, and it takes twenty minutes just to lull the baby into sleep. Yuki spends the whole time hanging back, this is awkward and it's not his kid, he hasn't a clue what he should do. "It's so strange," muses Tohru, "I always loved the swings when I was little, so I thought that she would too...do you think that maybe she's just too small? I wasn't thinking, I…I wanted to do some fun for her but she hated it she..." Tohru sighs, Tohru tips her head back, taps her feet and she doesn't say anything. Yuki coughs to fill the silence, tries to think of ways to phrase the thing he plans to say. It might make it worse but he thinks she should know, it's important.
"Tohru-kun, did Akito ever...well you said he beat her, right? Did he ever...drop her, or throw her, or anything like that?"
She shrugs, says she'd run in on time to see the aftermath, that she hadn't a clue what he'd done to her baby. "If he did, then being on the swing may have felt the same. She's too little to understand that the swing will bear her up, to her it would feel like free-fall, like being thrown across the room. And she might have thought that she'd get beaten. I...I don't think it was just that she's too small. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but when I was a kid I couldn't tie my shoes for three months because I accidentally snapped a lace on my hand and it reminded me of...well you know. You don't need to hear about that."
Tohru takes his hand, squeezes his fingers so hard it almost hurts him. "I'm sorry Yuki. I'm so sorry that he did that to you. I know I didn't know him then and I couldn't have stopped him but I...I'm beyond sorry. I...I'm going to change him, I...I'll turn him into someone who can make it up to you. I will make him different, Yuki."
"You can't," he says, "I tried for years and it's not possible. Akito doesn't change, he just keeps doing the same thing over and over again, and he will be this way until he dies. He abuses and manipulates everybody around him, he feels awful all the time and wants the rest of us to feel it too. He's never going to care about anyone but himself."
"That's not true!" insists Tohru-kun, knuckles clenching at her knees. "He cares about other people he...he cares about me, he needs me. And he apologized to you for what he did, I know that doesn't excuse it but give him a break! He loves you Yuki, he might not say it but he does, I know he does and he can change if he just has somebody to help him, he...he..." She trails off, knowing that she too has tried for years and this is useless, she really might not be able to fix him. "I want to make him better. I want to make him happy. I'd give anything for that but it...it's hopeless, isn't it? He'll never change."
Slowly, Yuki nods. "There's nothing left for you in Akito...you can't help him, you can't make him into someone else. So don't you think that you owe it to yourself to find a better situation? And to Taeko? I...I know you don't want her to grow up in a home like that. I know you don't want her growing up like I did. Akito's only going to get worse, you should go."
"I love him though..." she moans, face in her hands because she's crying now, poor Tohru-kun can't take her meaning being shattered. "And he'll get so much worse without me, I'm his honeybee, he loves me so how could I ever..."
"He doesn't. I don't think he can. What he loves is the way you treat him. I've seen you two together and you pity him so much. He wants everyone to know what a poor, wretched little thing he is. You know that, but at the same time you fear and respect him and that's what he wants. That's exactly what he wants and no one else can give it to him." He shakes his head. "He doesn't love you. He never has."
"How could you know that?" Tohru asks, wanting more than anything to just shut down, not have this awful conversation. She scoots away from Yuki-kun, repelled, angles her baby away from him. "You have no idea, you don't know anything about him, he adores me, he couldn't live without me and it doesn't matter why."
"Listen to yourself Tohru-kun, all you're saying is he's needy, he wants you around to fill a roleThat's got nothing to do with love, he needs Hatori to stay alive but it's not like he loves him…" Yuki stops, realizing he's hurting her and this is not the way to act. "I'm sorry Tohru I'm not…I'm not trying to be cruel to you, I'm just telling you the truth because I care. I don't want you to suffer, you're so…you're so much more than Akito deserves, and he's so much less than you do I…I should stop talking now, right?
She nods, swiping tears from her cheeks and cuddling Taeko. "I…I truly believe that he loves me, in all the ways he can. He's self-absorbed, he's got to be or he couldn't take care of himself…I don't think much about myself so if I were that sick I'd ignore important things and probably die. So maybe he can't love me as much as I do him. And maybe I do play a role for him, but he plays one for me too…that's not so terrible. I'm sure he wishes he could love me more, and I'm positive he'd be destroyed if I left him." She sighs. "It's just not something I can do. In fact, I think I want to set a date for the wedding…I should talk to him about it soon."
"Tohru—" Yuki starts, stops. There's no point to this, he's making her sad and he hates that, hates her for being sensitive enough to make him guilty. Instead he reaches for the baby girl, shifts her towards himself the best he can without transforming. If Mom won't leave then Baby needs protection, Yuki's going to have to stick around and keep her safe from Aki's 'treat-the-kid-like-shit' games. He's supposed to go home but Aki's bound to wreck the baby, he can't possibly leave this girl to live like him. He could call child services, get her free and safe and fuck the family up…no. No he cannot do that, and he cannot stay in this place and stay sane. So in the end he's still a fucking loser, in the end he can't do a thing and he wants to hit Tohru, kiss her, do something with the love and hate that's smashing his brain into atomic mash. She's breaking the baby, breaking herself but he loves her, worships the very ground on which she walks and NO! No no no he does not feel this way! "Tohru…"
"Yes Yuki-kun?" she says, voice clotted and cracking but she isn't crying now. She's composed, she's calm and Yuki could kill her, Yuki stands up.
"Y-you, you should go. A-akito might n-need you."
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The lines of anger soften as he slides into sleep, his shoulders lose their spastic hunching and his breathing—still erratic—doesn't make it sound like he will die. The claws of his bones change into hands, his eyes shut as if they'll stay that way when he stops trying. Hatori watches this peace with confusion, strokes the unknitted eyebrows on Akito's tranquil face. This makes no sense, his lungs should be collapsing and his poor mind wracked with nightmares, why in the world is he so calm?
Hatori's not calm. He's wired, high on the cough syrupy taste of Akito's breath. He has not kissed anyone since Sakurako, he's never kissed a man before or felt this warmth…it's Aki's fever, clearly. Medical facts will make this meaningless if he lets them, and he won't, not now. Akito will be a radiator, a constant source of heat for Hari's cold. Akito will be the sun, a stretch of desert, hot coffee splashed across his shirt on purpose, anything that's hot aside from sickness. He will be magical, he will be God. And he will heal himself in sleep.
He stirs and breaks the spell.
He coughs. Chokes and heaves with gasping breaths, blood drooling down his face until he finds the strength to wipe it clean. He cannot be calm and he cannot be well, Akito is now pure fever. Hatori looks on and it kills him, he wants to medicate this kid past feeling, make him better forever right now. But this is how he is. Choking baby. Boy with the blood in his mouth. He's crying again.
Can Hatori possibly fix this?
Is there any way that kissing him again could make it better?
This is reality, not magic. Neither one of them is Tohru. Even she can't do a thing.
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She peeks in nervously, bouncing Taeko up and down in hopes of shushing her. Her shrieks are vile, Mommy wants to throw the kid across the room. When that awful thought appears she nearly cries, no she doesn't want to be like this at all. Is Yuki right; is being with Akito ruining her baby? She…she…oh she can't even care right now, she just wants to see her Akito, screw Taeko, she doesn't care and she's an awful person, whatever she's not waiting outside anymore, she's barging in and sitting on his bed.
It's bad timing, Hari's in the middle of helping him into another kimono. Tohru-kun's face flames when she sees her Akito unclothed, it doesn't matter that they've fucked and she's seen this thousands of times, she's still embarrassed. And there's no reason to be, there's nothing happening but Hari looks humiliated too. "He said he was too hot," he says, guilt in his voice and she ignores it, she cannot take another thing gone wrong. "It's nearly summer now."
"Yes!" she squeaks, "yes it is! Summer would be a great time for a wedding, don't you think? We could have it out in the courtyard, wouldn't that be lovely? I was thinking maybe late August, since it'd be difficult to arrange too much before that, but we really should get on it, don't you think? An engagement can only last so long before it just gets silly!"
"You've been loyal enough," Akito drawls, roughly tossing on the last of the kimono. There is no love in his voice and it kills her. "Unless I find you've betrayed me again, that is. I'll die soon enough anyway, and we may as well set you up in your holy position. You are the Virgin Mary after all."
Tohru gasps, hand over her mouth and she knows he doesn't mean this, doesn't think that he really hates her all that much. "Is that what you think?" she asks. "Have I ever said anything about wanting power? I would hardly get it just for marrying you and I…that isn't why I want to do that I…don't you know I love you?"
Silence yawns around them for a time, no Akito doesn't know this. The Sohma's split up into camps and though she stays on his it's obvious she cares for Kyo. Every time she opens her mouth, every time she drags that wretched baby in this room she reminds him what she's done. Shoves it in his face, and he hates her. It's her fault that the cat is gone, that the Zodiac's shattered into a million little pieces in his arms. God needs a new cat, God needs a baby and this little traitor can be the carrier. But she is not his honeybee, he is hardening to her, hating her now that he is not so close to dying.
She has cheated. She has made his life into a hell. Only Hari can be trusted, Hari's words are golden, his suggestion is the best one in the world. "Look," he says, "if you want to prove it then do something for me. Go get Kagura and throw her in the cage. She needs to be punished and it's not like I can walk." He coughs, lies back against the bed and asks her if Kagura's worth more to her than he is, if she will deny him in the face of her treachery.
"No!" she squeaks, flailing for forgiveness. "Oh no of course she's not, she's just, I don't, I don't care about her! Not at all!" And up she shoots, upsetting her baby and knocking a bottle of pills from the bed. She picks them up and doesn't notice that she's jostling the baby, just bows and says she'll do it right this minute, she just needs the keys and then she's gone.
"Then go," he tells her, throwing her the keys. "What are you still doing here?"
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Taking Taeko out of Daddy's bed, Tohru tromps outside. The child's squawking, Tohru can't believe she has the nerve to make a sound. The reedy shrieks almost sound like words, she's going "ba ba ba" and Mommy can't be bothered, Mommy's got work to do, important work to make the focus of her life adore her. If she acts violently against her nature then he'll think she's good, this will be her nature now.
She strides out of the room, force beating through her knees with every step. When she finds Kagura her heart's throwing fits against her ribcage, god she hasn't a clue how she will do this. Kagura's slumped at a desk in the guestroom, hair dangling ragged as her head bows to her knees. Photos of Kyo-kun litter the floor, crumpled tissues strewn among them. It's clear she's been crying her eyes out, clear she hasn't bathed or changed her clothes in days. "What are you doingin here?" she snarls, fingers curled around a particularly bedraggled picture. "Tohru I don't want to see you, why would you think that I wanted to see you? You're on their side and you took my Kyo from me. You actually had him and you didn't even want…look just get out of here, okay?"
Kagura makes no move to shove her out, and so Tohru finds it hard to think she means it. Instead she leans her head against the doorway, sets Taeko down to kick the air and babble. "I'm sorry," she says, voice toneless. "But Akito sent me here…he wanted me to take you to the cage…for your punishment. I um…I'm just doing what he asked me to so don't…I'm sorry…"
"Bullshit you're sorry!" Kagura explodes, pushing up from her desk and sending photos flying. "If you were sorry then you wouldn't do it, would you! If you were sorry, you'd fuck Akito into doing what you wanted, if you were sorry Kyo would have his goddamn funeral! Do you know it's been weeks since he died? I have finals to make up, I don't have time for this shit Tohru!"
Tohru bows her head, says yes she knows and she is sorry, she is, but the thing is she went against God and she hurt him, does she know she made him cry? Kagura just cackles when she hears this, says that good, she's glad he's suffering, she'd like very much for him to suffer more. "And the same goes for you you stupid bitch," she spits, "this is your fault too, he wouldn't even be dead if not for you. You're a murderer, do you know that? You might as well have been the one who fucking drowned him."
Static rises in her brain, yes all of this is all her fault. She's a murderer, she's worthless, yes okay. But Akito can give her worth. All she needs is his forgiveness, his evaluation of her soul. If she passes his test she's complete, if she can just ignore morality for five more minutes and summon up some strength…
Tohru steps forward, steps over her daughter and makes a grab for Kagura's wrist. Kagura evades her, zapping back against the bed and forming fists so she can hit her if she tries again. "Please stay still," begs Tohru-kun, hysterical and drained. "Please just let me do this…"
"Oh sure," she spits, "oh of course Tohru, I'll let you lock me up in a crap-encrusted cage, no problem. Are you out of your fucking mind!"
"I'm sorry I just…this is what Akito wants and he…he's your God. He's your God and you ought to respect that. I do." Tohru sighs, reaches out again for Kagura. She keeps keeping back, considers clawing spitting running out of here, but the window's closed and Tohru's coming, she could beat her bloody but that's not the best idea. For a minute she's just paralyzed, scared shitless and soaking up her back with sweat. Tohru-kun looks like a zombie, her kid starts screaming and she doesn't even care. "I want to make him happy," Tohru says. "Don't you?"
"No!" she screams, "no I don't I want him miserable, I told you that, I want tumors in his lungs, I want him dead!"
Tohru doesn't answer, she can't conceive of this, can't argue. Her mind's on autopilot, there's no room for this blasphemy here. Again she grabs for Kagura, again she fails and Kagura steps away, grabs a rolling suitcase and starts stuffing in clothes. "I'm not staying here," she says, "this is crap. I'm not the cat, there's nothing that says that he can cage me. I'm out."
With that she pushes violently past Tohru-kun, dragging just a fraction of her things. The door clangs shut and Tohru sinks to the floor, staring blankly at her screeching child. She has failed Poor Baby. She has failed her God.
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Nana: She has failed her God. Man. I didn't even expect her to start thinking like that. Poor little brainwashed Tohru-kun. Oh well, this story is called Burnt Rice, which indicates that Tohru isn't going to have it so good…Akito's finally got the strength to be angry at her over Kyo. Not that he hasn't been, but up 'til now he's been too busy just surviving. And poor Yuki-kun's just getting nowhere…unrequited love sucks ass. Who knows, he may win her yet! (I really don't know. If anyone has any suggestions about anything, that'd be great. Just PM me!)
So yeah, I hope you liked this chapter. I'll try to get another one out soon, I've got spiffy plans for it. You'll see. While you're waiting, you might check out Raikune's fics, 'Drifting Away', 'Desperation', and 'Sympathy For The Devil.' The one's that start with D's are Akito/Hatori, and the other one's Akito/Tohru…I figure anybody reading this fic would like those too, they're some of the best fanfics I've seen and besides, she gave me plug so I've got to return the favor.
Now please please please review me? I'll give you cookies! And um, possibly and probably check out your fics too. I usually do that, 'cause I'm nice.