7
When Marissa arrived home after her night in LA, she felt incredibly sick. Her headache was worse than ever and she felt as if she would through up any moment. She let herself drop down on the sofa and turned on her mobile, only to see several missed calls from Summer.
She sighed and decided she should call Summer back, even though she didn't feel like talking – she owed her that much.
But before Marissa had pressed the dial-button, her phone began to ring and so she answered it.
"Hi Summer."
"Marissa!!" Marissa could hear Summer's immense relief and began to feel somewhat guilty. "You're – you're okay."
"Yeah… I told you I only needed some time alone."
"Yes, I know, but I thought… never mind…" Marissa heard something that sounded much like a half-suppressed sob.
"Summer! Are you okay?… Are you crying?"
"No, yeah, I'm fine…" Summer said, her voice still sounding shaky.
"Summer…"
"It's just… dammit, Marissa, I thought I wouldn't see you again."
Marissa was about to respond, to tell Summer she would never hurt herself, but suddenly found she couldn't. She had almost killed herself.
"I- I'm sorry," Marissa whispered.
On the other side of the line, tears were flowing down Summer's cheeks. She closed her eyes at Marissa's last words. She knew she had been right to worry about Marissa. And Marissa knew that she knew.
There was a short silence, then Marissa cleared her throat.
"So… Do you want to maybe come over later? I- I could really use some company. I- I don't want to be alone tonight…" Marissa whispered her last words.
"Yes, of course. I'll stay as long as you want me to," Summer whispered, trying to regain control over her voice, but failing. "When do you want me to come?"
Later, in the evening, Marissa and Summer went to sleep after having watched a random movie. Summer had come over in the early afternoon and they had spent the time just talking about non-important things. Neither of them mentioned Marissa's night in LA. Summer wanted to talk about it really badly, but she felt that this was not the appropriate time.
They went to bed, Summer taking Marissa's side of the bed and Marissa lying down on the side that used to be Alex'. Summer quickly fell asleep and her deep and steady breathing had a soothing effect on Marissa, and she soon drifted off to sleep herself.
Some time later, Marissa awoke all of a sudden. She tried to go back to sleep, but soon gave up. She felt restless and suddenly had the feeling that the walls were closing in on her. She had never been claustrophobic, but she now had trouble breathing and quickly got up. She went into the kitchen and got herself a glass of water. As the cold fluid slowly flowed down her throat, her mind began to clear. She lent her forehead against the cold metal of the fridge and took a few more minutes to gather herself.
Feeling somewhat better she went into the living room, heading towards her bedroom. She looked towards the front door, and following a sudden impulse she changed her direction and went to one of the windows. Slowly, she pushed aside the curtains… Her heart nearly stopped as she saw a figure standing in the dark drive way, only visible due to the bright moonlight. Her heart beating as if she had just run a marathon, Marissa left the window and ran over to the door. She pulled it open and halted on the doorstep. She looked around, but no one was there.
She shuddered. But I saw her, she thought desperately. She was there.
Marissa slowly went to the spot where she had seen the figure.
Was she really beginning to imagine things? But Alex had been there, she had seen her silhouette all too clearly…
"Where are you?" she whispered into the night, but the distant sound of waves crashing down on the shore was the only response she got.
"God, Alex, what do I do now? Please, tell me what to do. How am I supposed to go on without you?… I don't think I can."
Marissa looked up at the moon, wishing Alex was there with her, so they could enjoy the beautiful sight together. She closed her eyes.
"What is life without you by my side?" Marissa asked desperately.
Marissa heard a soft rustling in the wind that almost sounded like spoken words… like voices… like one voice…
Marissa opened her eyes and looked around. She was here. She had to be.
Suddenly she heard Summer's voice from the door, asking her to come back inside.
She looked around once more, and then headed back to the apartment. Before going inside, she turned around one last time. She looked up at the moon and then to the spot where she had seen Alex…
Is this all that remains? she thought sadly. Your shadow in the moonlight, haunting me at night when I can't sleep?
Marissa sighed and went inside. Summer went ahead to the bedroom, but Marissa lingered behind a few more seconds. She slowly breathed in and out a few times and then pushed aside the curtains of the window again. She squinted out into the darkness and saw the blurry silhouette of a woman walk around the corner and out of her field of vision.
Her heart started beating madly again. I will go on, she thought. I will try – for you.
Marissa went back to bed, lying down on Alex' side of the bed. She inhaled Alex' scent which was still all over the pillow and soon fell asleep, the feeling of Alex' presence once more all around her.
Summer was still asleep when Marissa awoke the next morning. Small stripes of sunlight sneaked past the curtains and lightened up the room.
Marissa sat up and yawned. She felt okay – not really well, but not too bad either. She threw her sleeping friend a quick glance before deciding to get up and make breakfast. Before she had stood up, something on the bedside table caught her attention. She couldn't help but smile when she saw it was a magazine about extreme sports, a huge wave depicted on the cover.
Marissa looked at the other books and magazines lying on the table and suddenly noticed a piece of paper lying beneath some of them. She carefully took it and unfolded it. She immediately recognized Alex' handwriting and quickly closed it again. She went into the living room and sat down on the sofa. She breathed in deeply and then opened the paper again.
It's her last will, Marissa realized, somewhat shocked. She quickly read through the text and found that Alex had left her with everything she owned, including the jeep and her surfboard.
Marissa chuckled when she read the part about the surfing equipment. It was so like Alex to include it into her last will. She smiled sadly and folded the paper in half again. She would give it to Sandy – she didn't want to worry about the legal things.
The next days passed by slowly. Marissa hung out with Summer, Seth and Ryan practically every day. Sometimes they went shopping, sometimes they went to the beach and at other times again they just hung around doing nothing in specific. But what they did didn't really matter to Marissa anyways, as she was absent-minded most of the time.
Marissa read through Alex' extreme sports magazine and found it much more interesting than she would have ever thought it to be. She read some books Alex had told her about and listened to Alex' favorite music. At night she would often sit at an open window and look outside, hoping to catch another glimpse of the silhouette of a certain person… Sometimes she talked out loud into the night, telling Alex of her day.
Days turned to weeks, and still no hour passed in which Marissa did not think of Alex. The memory of the beautiful blonde was always with her and followed her around like her own shadow. The pain of her loss did not lessen, but slowly Marissa began to accept it as a part of her life, as a part of herself.
She was not sure what she had seen that one night, when she had thought to see Alex' silhouette. She knew for sure that Alex was dead – she had seen her lifeless body lying on the street. But still, she had the feeling that Alex had paid her a visit that night and that she had somehow asked her to go on.
So sometimes, when loneliness and pain overwhelmed her, Marissa thought back to that night – and went on.
One evening, Marissa was sitting at the pier, drinking a hot chocolate. She looked at the ocean and as ever so often thought of Alex. A girl joined her on the bench and they sat next to each other in silence for a while. Marissa was barely even aware of the other's presence, until she suddenly heard her ask, "You okay?".
Marissa turned her head in surprise and looked at the girl to her left for the first time. She had about shoulder-length black hair and long fringy bangs. She was wearing a black shirt and light blue, rather baggy, ripped jeans.
Marissa noticed the girl's smirk and realized she was staring. Blushing she quickly tried to remember what she had been asked.
"Yeah, I'm okay… why?"
The girl smirked again and looked her over. "You kept sighing loudly so I thought I'd just ask."
"Oh, yeah well, on second thought, maybe I'm not so okay..." Marissa said, silently daring the girl to tease her further, but was surprised when the girl's tone of voice became serious.
"Yeah, you do look as if you're trying to deal with something… Believe me, I know what it means to live through shitty situations…" The girl took out a pack of cigarettes and put one between her lips, before offering the package to Marissa. Marissa just shook her head, and the girl put the package away again, shrugging. She lit her cigarette and took a drag before continuing. "You know, so many fucked-up things happened to me that I sometimes had the feeling God wanted to punish me or something… But that was before I stopped believing in him, anyways. I stopped believing in a lot of things…" She took another draft. "I'm Kate, by the way, " she added.
"Marissa," Marissa answered, shaking the offered hand. "Yeah, I know what you mean. I've been through so much crap, myself, already. Sometimes, I wish I could just leave it all behind…"
Kate nodded in agreement. "Yeah, I've been there, too… Do you wanna talk about it? And with 'it' I mean whatever crap made you sigh earlier."
"No, really, I don't want to bother you with my problems…"
"No, no, seriously, I'll listen."
The two girls looked at each other intently for a moment, then Marissa slowly nodded. "It's kind of a long story."
"I've got no other plans."
Marissa nodded again and then threw Kate a quick glance. "Could I maybe… Just one draft?"
Kate looked at Marissa and then down at her cigarette, and laughed. "Yeah sure, but you know, I could also spare a whole cigarette." Kate smiled at Marissa and raised an eyebrow questioningly.
Marissa smiled back and just shook her head. "I quit smoking a long time ago…"
Kate held out the cigarette stub to Marissa, who finished it off with a few deep drafts.
She began to talk of Alex, telling Kate anything that came to her mind. Marissa wasn't sure what made her tell an absolute stranger about her most intimate thoughts, but what she knew for sure was that she felt a whole lot better afterwards.
They sat there at the pier, talking for what seemed like hours, both finding solace in exchanging their stories and listening to each other.
Neither of them noticed a dark figure behind them slowly turn away, cold tears streaking down her pale face, pain stinging her dead heart.
The next days, Kate and Marissa met every day. Kate had apparently finished high school a year before and had spent the last year working here and there a bit, trying to find her place in life. Now she had come here to Newport Beach to get some work experience in a law firm. Kate only worked half-time and Marissa made it a habit to pick her up in the early afternoon.
It turned out that Kate loved to write, a fact which fascinated Marissa. Sometimes they would sit together at the beach and Kate would read out parts of stories or poems she had written.
In some aspects Kate often reminded Marissa of Alex, but then again they seemed entirely different. Marissa immediately felt a strong connection to the black-haired young woman and she even had to admit that she was somewhat attracted to her. But at first the mere thought of kissing another girl felt like a betrayal of Alex' love to Marissa.
More time passed and the need of being close to someone again increased inside Marissa. Though it sounded superficial to herself, Marissa felt she badly wanted to hold someone again, to wake up in the mornings with another body next to her own.
Marissa's family and friends were all very glad to see she was beginning to find her way back to life. Summer had already gotten to know Kate and she immediately saw that there was something unspoken between the two. She noticed certain glances between her best friend and the 'emo-girl', as Summer liked to call her, and later encouraged Marissa to go for it. Marissa had told Summer it was nothing like that, but if she was honest with herself, she wasn't really sure.
One evening, about two weeks after Marissa had first met Kate, they were both sitting on Marissa's sofa. A number of empty beer bottles were standing on the floor of the otherwise tidy living room. Kate was reading out one of her stories to Marissa. It was about the lost love of two young women and when Kate had finished Marissa's eyes were full of tears.
"That was beautiful," she whispered, smiling softly at her new found friend. "Really sad… but beautiful."
"Thank you," Kate replied shyly. She was usually quite outgoing and not easily ashamed, but when it came to her writing she was rather… vulnerable.
Marissa smiled again and leaned over to her right, planting a soft kiss on Kate's cheek.
The two girls simply stared into each other's eyes for a moment. Marissa licked her lips unconsciously and Kate finally leaned forward a bit, closing the small space between them. Their lips touched slowly and softly. They parted again for a moment to exchange smiles, only to join their lips again the next moment. Marissa closed her eyes and Kate followed suit, smiling even wider.
They spent the rest of the evening making out on the sofa and when they finally headed towards the bedroom they had no intentions of stopping.
Their kisses became wilder and more and more passionate. Soon t-shirts and jeans were lying on the floor and the two young women were lying on the bed, hands and kisses all over each other.
Marissa felt Kate's hand slowly wander up her thigh and then felt her begin to play with the rim of her panties. A part of Marissa enjoyed the feelings that rushed through her body and made her feel much more alive than she had for two months now.
Suddenly images of Alex filled her mind and Marissa knew if she now closed her eyes she could enjoy the moment to its fullest. But that was not how it was supposed to be. She'd be lying not only to herself but also to Kate.
"No, stop… please," Marissa said quickly, softly but firmly pushing away Kate's hand.
Kate shot the other girl a questioning glance. She didn't seem angry – she just wanted to know what was up.
"I- I'm not…"
"You're not ready," Kate stated. Slight disappointment was visible on her face for a moment, but was almost immediately replaced by a smile. "It's okay, don't worry about it."
Marissa sighed in relief. "Sorry."
"Do you want me to leave?" Kate was already about to get up, but Marissa pulled her back down.
"No, stay… please. Well, I mean I can understand if you want to leave. But you could also stay and we could, you know, just sleep?"
Kate smiled again and gave Marissa a quick peck on the lips. "Alright."
They got under the sheets and cuddled up next to each other. Kate quickly fell asleep and the deep and steady sound of her breathing once again had a soothing effect on Marissa. It helped her to soon fall asleep herself, memories of kissing Alex following her from her thoughts into her dreams.
But before dozing off, Marissa grabbed one of Alex' sweaters from the bedside table and pressed it to her face. Already half-asleep and her mind influenced by alcohol, the feeling of another body next to hers and Alex' smell all around her was enough to give her the feeling that everything was right again. This is how it's supposed to be, Marissa thought contently before finally drifting off into a peaceful sleep.
A/N: Sorry for the delay… I had some important exams in school that required all my attention and spare time… But I had my last exam of this semester two days ago (physics, pretty tough… I did nothing but study last week…), so I hope to update more regularly again. I have this story all sorted out in my head and I finally want to come to a specific point…
Hope you enjoyed this chapter… and once again, thank you for the reviews! : )