Chapter 7: A Careless Queen

It was unexpected when Elissa found Highland Estate in a state of hustle and bustle. Oghren was dragging behind as she entered the front doors, but he stopped next to her as they watched a few servants clamoring in and out of rooms in a hurry the way servants did when something was amiss. Elissa had seen it plenty of times as she grew up. The servants were looking for something; probably something that her brother had misplaced like he always did.

She was belatedly greeted by a servant who eventually saw her but did not seem to notice Oghren until he stepped closer and picked up Oghren's overwhelming stink. He pretended it didn't bother him as he said with slight embarrassment, "Lady Cousland, forgive us. There are few servants here to support your brother and he seems to have misplaced a gauntlet. We are trying to recover it for him."

Elissa only nodded at the servant with a faint smile before he bowed and gestured for her and Oghren to follow him. But as they stepped farther into the entrance hall, Fergus appeared clad in Highever armor saying, "I found it! No worries, everyone! It was underneath my bed."

He laughed as he tugged the gauntlet on tighter. Then he looked up and beamed, making his way towards Elissa. "There you are little sister. I've been expecting you. I was wondering when you would show up. And…" he peered down at Oghren. "You brought a dwarf with you."

"Fergus," Elissa disinterestedly said, "This is Oghren. Oghren, this is my brother Fergus. Oghren was one of my companions as I travelled Ferelden, Fergus. He helped during the Battle of Denerim."

"Uh… " Oghren was still stumbling over his words because of his hangover, which he refused to admit he had. "Good to meet you… brother Fergus."

Fergus grinned. "I remember you from the celebration last night. Bann Teagan challenged you to drink an entire barrel of pickle juice. That explains the smell… " he trailed off.

"Fergus," Elissa interrupted. "You said you were expecting me. Has Arl Eamon or Alistair already shown up looking for me?"

"What trouble are you up to this time, dear sister?" Fergus inquired as he gave her a mischievous but questioning brow. "A messenger arrived this morning to inform me that you and I are to march out with the King to greet the Orlesians at the city gates. The messenger implied that you were already here, staying at the Estate with me."

Elissa frowned, but her brother smiled. "Are you already sneaking out of the palace without telling anyone where you are going?" he suggested. "And then using your good brother to cover for you? You know, I had trouble enough covering for you with mother and father when you would sneak out of the castle. Lying to the King is another matter entirely."

"Does she do that a lot?" Oghren wondered aloud. "All the sneaking around? She was sneaking around when she found me earlier."

"You have no idea," Fergus answered him. "You need to watch out for this one. What you think you know of her, the truth may be quite the opposite."

"I'm standing right here," Elissa said sharply. She didn't have time to defend herself, not really, but it was forced upon her. Thankfully Elissa didn't mind if Oghren knew a little of the real her, because she didn't think Oghren would care if she wasn't really the hero everyone made her out to be. "For everyone's sake, let's hope you told the messenger I had stayed the night here. If you must know, Alistair and I had a disagreement last night. I thought it best if I didn't stay at the palace."

"Have I ever not covered for you, sister dear?" he said it in a harassing manner. Then he glared. "It must have been a significant disagreement."

Oghren busted out in laughter. "The sodding idiot! He had a chance to polish his sword and he let it slip from his grasp."

"That's… disturbing," Fergus commented, now glaring at Oghren. He wasn't used to Oghren's perverted banter like Elissa was. "But despite having a disagreement with your betrothed," he went back to Elissa. "That doesn't really explain why you didn't really stay here last night, now does it?"

"Allow me to my own devices, Fergus," she put lightly. "I have enough to handle. I don't need the judgment of my older brother on top of everything. Just play your part like you always have. It kept us both out of trouble with mother and father."

"I'm not going to argue that," he agreed. "If they had found out what you were really getting into—what they were harboring…" he made it sound more menacing that what it really was. "Well, I might not have a sister anymore."

Oghren seemed a bit stunned and remained quiet. Elissa thought that was quite unusual for him.

With a sudden pat to Elissa's back, Fergus became cheerful. "So, what say you? Are you joining me to march out with the troops? I was looking forward to marching alongside my sister. Or more like behind," he snickered. "You get to be alongside King Alistair. Hopefully," he said with amusement, "you two can put aside your differences for the occasion? We wouldn't want the Orlesians to think we can't get along with each other. They may see it as an opportunity to take what they thought they once had."

"These are Grey Wardens you speak of," Elissa reminded him. "Their only business here is to learn of the Blight and its aftermath." She wanted to go on about how if he said more about them being Orlesians he would sound like Teyrn Loghain, but she thought better of it. Her brother was nothing like Loghain. The very thought twisted her insides.

"I'm afraid I have to ask you to cover for me like you've done so often in the past," Elissa was uncomfortable saying. She hated having to ask her brother to lie for her, despite how often she had asked him to do so. He had always been good to her and there were many times she didn't think she deserved to be his sister. Fortunately what she would ask of him would not be a complete dishonesty.

"I need you to inform Alistair and Arl Eamon that I've fallen ill. I cannot go out to greet the Orlesian Wardens. Nor can I attend the greeting ceremony at court."

Fergus was staring at her with a furrowed brow now. "And where do you plan on being instead?"

"I'll be up in my room, of course," she was actually not lying, but it was too smart of an answer to sound true.

"Right…" her brother slowly replied looking unconvinced. "If you're caught not being where you say you'll be, Elissa, I think you'll make poor Alistair suspicious. You'll owe him an explanation; I don't think he'll overlook it as your abiding older brother does. I get the feeling he doesn't know you as well as I do."

"I'll say," Oghren finally spoke up. "Warden, you're becoming more and more… interesting. I had thought you were just another pretty face that was damn good at getting what she wanted. Now I see there's more to it than just that."

"Things… haven't come up," Elissa sighed, regarding Oghren and her brother with a guilty glower. "It's going to be a slow process getting Alistair to understand." He wasn't like everyone else in Elissa's mind. While she barely cared about tossing a lie or two in normal circumstances (which were rare now), lying to Alistair was slowly killing her…

Would she actually die before she ever got to tell him everything?

"Very well," Fergus thankfully pushed the matter aside. "It looks like I'll only have the company of your friend Oghren to go see about these Orlesian Wardens." He then addressed Oghren like Elissa had already left. "I hear they are bringing out a cask of Orlesian wine for the greeting ceremony, Sir Dwarf." He walked towards the entrance expecting Oghren to follow, and the little man did—probably entranced by the mention of alcohol. "Tell me, have you ever had Orlesian wine before?"

Oghren grunted and replied, "Orlesian wine? It sounds like a sissy drink."

"The sweeter the drink, the easier it is to believe you can drink more," Fergus amiably replied as he opened one of the two front doors and allowed Oghren to go out first. Elissa was counting their steps as Oghren made a counter comment that she couldn't hear because the door finally closed.

Instantly Elissa fell to her knees, clutching at her sleeves and grinding her teeth as a wave of burning ensnared her. The servants who were standing near gasped and all at once shouted, "Lady Cousland!" as they panicked and rushed over to assist.

Elissa had been holding the pain back, as impossible that it was. But it had been possible enough because it had only started out as a twinge in her skin that she had fought to ignore while she spoke to her brother. By the time Fergus had spoken his last to her, the twinge had become a stab. When the front door was all but closed, the stab had become an inward scream and she had closed her eyes as her vision went white.

She knew she was very lucky that she had not given into the pain in front of her brother. He would have never left her alone if that were the case.

The servants surrounding her were asking questions and speaking, but Elissa could barely hear any of them as she could only hear the ringing that had settled in her ears. The ringing was faintly reminiscent of a song, but it certainly wasn't a famililiar song.

Or was it, she wondered as she listened to it more intently. Maybe she had heard the song countless times. In her dreams possibly? Through the darkspawn dreams that had haunted her since her joining? It had always been so very, very vague before—nothing but an echo and hardly a song. It had been poisoned with obnoxious drums before—evil drums that threw the sad beauty of the song into disarray.

So why was it so clear now? Why could she hear this song like it was a part of her?

The song dissipated as the burning in her skin and blood eventually dissipated. She realized she was cradling herself in front of a group of worried servants. She dare not look at any of them in the eyes.

One was crouched down next to her. When she hesitantly looked at him, he said, "Lady Cousland, we have someone fetching a healer."

Elissa could manage nothing more than a quiet, "No," before she attempted to get up, brushing away the help that the servant tried to give her.

"I do not need a healer," Elissa said when she was finally on her feet. She chose to address the servant who had tried helping her to relay, "I will be in my room. No one is to disturb me. No one." She waited for him to make some kind of acknowledgement before she added, "An elf by the name of Lemari will arrive here later in the day; you will allow her entry to the estate, now and in the future. And… she is the only one allowed in and out of my room once I am there. Understood?"

The servant hesitated, shared a glance with a fellow servant, but then answered, "Yes, my lady."

Elissa made her way towards the stairs that lead up to the family bedchambers before she stopped and turned back. All the servants were still watching her. "If King Alistair shows up," she let worry sink into her voice. "Tell him… " She paused feeling almost heartbroken. "Tell him I don't want to see him."

It was hours later, past noon and nearing evening time. Elissa had skipped lunch, telling whatever servant it was that had attempted to offer it through the door to go away. "Lemari will be the only one to enter," she had repeated. She had not locked the door, so she knew she was lucky that the other servants were not bold enough to barge in. All though, just in case, a dagger was safely strapped and sheathed on her leg, hidden by the dress.

Lemari had not yet shown. When Elissa had left the Royal Palace to go to Highever Estate, her handmaiden left for the Market to purchase "better" herbs that she believed would help Elissa with what Lemari called "morning sickness".

"During childbearing," Lemari had explained. "The body naturally tries to cleanse itself of toxins—things that won't be good for the baby growing inside of you. That is why you feel nauseous after you eat or drink. You can also usually feel this process when you first wake up in the morning."

"That explains a whole lot," Elissa had replied under her breath as she thought about the Taint in her body. Her body was simply rejecting everything she ate or drank, because… her body was adapting to the Taint—rejecting anything that wasn't the Taint.

In the cushioned armchair, in her room, where she had not moved from since the morning, Elissa now shuddered realizing what adapting to the Taint actually meant for her. For Ghouls, they became cannibalistic, preying on other ghouls or the Darkspawn and devouring more and more Taint. Elissa was starting to wonder if that's what she was becoming: A ghoul.

Because underneath her sleeves, Elissa's rash had become something entirely different. The skin where the rash had first appeared had become brown and hard, almost like a scab but it was not something that was going to peel off; at least not easily or without carving into the skin around it.

It wasn't a scab, Elissa decided. It was her skin. Her skin was turning; into skin like a ghoul's, or… maybe it was the skin of a darkspawn.

She hated to think what would happen if the rash spread completely over her body. And she wondered which would come first: a complete transformation of her skin and body. Or would the pain of what was happening to her body kill her first? Ghouls went mad. Would she also go mad before death was reached?

If she survived the transformation, and did not go mad, what would that mean; what would she become? What would the thing growing inside her become?

There were so many questions running threw her head, and quite frankly, she couldn't focus on an answer for any of them. She kept hearing that song. It would fill her head in the silence, and it would distract her from anything else.

The chair she casually sat in was next to the fireplace, but there was no fire to stare at. No one had lit a fire in this room for many years because Elissa had not visited Denerim with her parents for many years. Instead, Elissa simply stared at its sooty center and empty black andirons, drifting in and out of the song that filled the gap of her thoughts.

Elissa had thought—stupidly thought—that there was hope for herself. She had been feeling better, hadn't she?

It was after she had told Lemari that she was with child; Lemari had made Elissa an herbal tea that had made her feel much better—the nausea lessened, the rash itched less, and the burning in her blood slowed. It wasn't until now that Elissa realized that it was probably the tea that had allowed her freedom from the pain, at least for the short while. It had numbed the pain, leading Elissa to believe she had a chance of surviving what was happening to her.

It had been a false hope.

She poked at her odd discolored skin as she tried to decide if it was a good time to tell someone—someone like Wynne—of her condition, when the door to the room opened and Lemari stepped in. Elissa quickly pulled down the sleeve of her dress. Lemari knew that Elissa was with child, but she did not know more than that. Not yet.

"My lady," Lemari said as she closed the door. She was carrying a small backpack that she set down by the door before she went to one of the two windows and opened up the curtains, letting in a significant amount of afternoon light.

Elissa flinched at the light, cowering into her chair. It had not seemed that dark in the room, but now she had the outside light to compare the darkness to. She decided she preferred the dark, but Lemari went ahead and opened the curtains to the other window. This forced Elissa to cover her eyes.

"Did they give you a hard time at the entrance, Lemari?" Elissa casually inquired as she peeked through her fingers. If only there was something she could wear over her eyes that lessoned the light but allowed her to see, she thought.

"No, my lady. However, I was informed that you are gravely ill. The other servants, they claimed they saw you collapse."

"Collapse?" Elissa mused, now playing with different angles with her hands to block the light. "It was nothing so dramatic. Did you bring Maric's journal?" she was eager to continue her reading. She had paused at a particularly interesting part in the journal where Maric had stopped tip-toeing over description and full-out began describing his elf-woman companion, Fiona. The way Maric described her, Elissa had a sneaking suspicion that Maric wanted to remember Fiona for more than that of camaraderie.

"I did, my lady." Lemari answered as she retrieved the backpack. She carried it to Elissa and pulled out the journal from inside. "I brought the box you asked for as well."

Elissa nodded and briefly moved her hands away from her eyes to take the journal, but Lemari gasped and dropped it to the floor. She took a step back and sternly expressed, "Lady Cousland, your eyes!"

It immediately occurred to Elissa to jump up and run to the vanity mirror on the other side of the room. She paused and stared at her reflection for a long time. Her eyes were bloodshot and her irises… were glassy, drained of color with nearly nonexistent pupils.

"Ghoul it is," Elissa whispered before sighing and covering her face. She turned to the direction of Lemari and said, "It's time you learned of my next secret."

She did not expect Lemari to get any closer, but as Elissa pulled up her sleeve, her handmaiden fearlessly, albeit cautious, walked up to her. "As you can see," Elissa unhappily flaunted her arm. "I have Blight Sickness."

The look across Lemari's face amused Elissa. The elf did not draw back or show the slightest bit of alarm, but merely had the expression of someone who had just had one more problem added atop many others. "I wish you had told me this morning," Lemari said as she turned away and walked to her bag. "I could have brought additional herbs."

"If there's an herb that can cure me of this disease," Elissa chaffed. "Please run out and get it." She looked back at her reflection, feeling more like a ghost than alive. "I'm afraid I have even less time than I thought," she spoke as she closely examined her eyes. She assumed they were sensitive to the light because of the change; she still could not look toward the windows without cringing. "Whatever change is happening to me has been expedited for reasons beyond me."

Lemari was rummaging through her backpack now, but she made a disproving noise of the tongue in response to Elissa's comment. "The pregnancy, my lady," she offered. "The effects of the blight sickness have been quickened because most of the body's natural processes speed up during childbearing." She found whatever it was she was looking for, pulling out a large square cloth from the backpack and arranging it on the floor next to the cushioned chair. "Including disease."

Elissa frowned at the news, retaking her seat in the chair. "That's not a comforting thought," she brooded. Elissa watched Lemari work as she now removed other items from the backpack. "What was in that tea you gave me this morning?" she wanted to ask, hoping Lemari would make it again. Earlier it had helped with the burning, but now Elissa's veins were on fire again—except underneath the bit of skin that had already changed. That bit felt cool to the touch and icy underneath.

"It was nothing more than steeped Elfroot and ginger, my lady."

"Truly? Elfroot and ginger," Elissa awed. Lemari nodded gathering her needed supplies on the square cloth.

It was fortunate that Lemari seemed to be a practiced herbalist, Elissa thought. It was suspicious too. Elissa started listing in her head all the valuable traits she saw in Lemari:

Let's see… She's good at keeping secrets—good for the sake of a Grey Warden. She's no Spirit Healer, but she's a seemingly good medicinal healer—good for someone like me who often gets into trouble. And she knows about childbearing…

That sly, wise man. Despite being told there would be little to no chance of an heir between Alistair and me… Eamon still prepared. His choice in my handmaiden says it all. He expects me to bear an heir to the throne once I am queen.

"How do you know so much about childbearing?" Elissa found herself asking, leaning into her hand, beginning to wonder when her hands would change as she observed the long nails on her free hand. Surely it wouldn't be long now. Maybe the nails would turn brown, or fall off.

Lemari brought the large cloth that held all the herb pouches and assorted flasks she planned on using, and a mortar and pestle, over to the empty hearth. "My mother," she answered softly and without looking at Elissa as she set the supplies down. "She was one of the few healers living in the Alienage." Lemari left no room for comment on her answer, and instead loudly said, "I will return, my lady. We need wood for the fireplace. Do you require anything from the other servants?"

There was bitterness in the way Lemari had phrased servants, Elissa could tell, as if a part of Lemari resented being one. "Not at all," she replied with sympathy. The handmaiden bowed and made her way to the door. "I'm sorry," Elissa breathed as Lemari closed the door.

Although she did not precisely know what she was sorry for, Elissa was still sorry. Lemari had said "was" when she mentioned her mother, and Elissa recognized the bitterness of unjustly death, or deaths.

"Of course," Elissa groaned as she fell back into the chair, covering her eyes from the light again. Lemari had probably lost her family. Whether it had been from the Blight, or before—there were so many reasons Lemari's family could have died—Elissa realized she was careless not to expect it.

A queen would not be so careless, she admonished herself. I do not deserve to have the title.

Nor do I deserve Alistair, she achingly told herself. Maybe my selfishness is also why the Taint is quickly taking me. Punishment by the Maker.

She reached down and picked up Maric's journal, desperately wanting to be the fool who believed that this strong-willed elf described by Maric had the answer to Elissa's problems. Fiona had been a Grey Warden, too, after all. And though, the journal would never reveal such details... maybe Fiona loved Maric the way Elissa loved Alistair.