Disclaimer: I don't own the Ninja Turtles

A/N: Happy to see you again! Hope you enjoy this next chapter!

Chapter 7

Filling the Void

They say that revenge is a dish best served cold. In this case, mine would be extra frosty. For I had lost a main link to my revenge, I had lost my best friend Al. I know that he lied to me, but it was him that could best inspire me into the fierce bloodlust that was required for such an act. He could get me wanting Bishop's death, needing to hear his pain-filled cries, desiring the sight of his blood spilling scarlet across the walls.

Now it was different, when it came to Bishop I almost didn't care anymore...I was emotionally drained and simply wanted it to end, it was nearly like I was content to live a life of peace after so much torment. My family was constantly around me, supportive, loving, caring. Why would that ebb away at my desire for revenge against the being who held me captive, torturing, belittling me, breaking my spirit...I don't know. I am so confused, sometimes I don't know what to think. I live one day at a time, hardly thinking of anything but the present.

Almost as though I was trying to think of anything but revenge.

I jumped at the slight shadowy movement in the corner, my skin trembling yet my muscle contorted, ready in an instant for any necessary action.

Donatello stepped into view, both palms held up in mock 'surrender' with a notebook tucked under his arm. "Sorry Mikey, I didn't mean to startle you, really. I was just wondering if you were ready for any more questions..." his eyes strayed to my side. I followed his gaze and saw that my fists were clenched tight, the whites of my knuckles showing even through my green skin. Looking at them, I slowly loosened them, my tight knuckles cracking and nail gouges in my palms exposed to open air.

My eyes moved to him and took in his unsure stance and nervous smile. He was nervous, trying to appear non-threatening yet trying to read my body language, he was still afraid. I wasn't used to being in the company of ninjas, and I had struck him on more than one occasion when he came up behind me a bit too quietly. In fact, nearly everyone had felt my instinctive blows and had since learned to avoid approaching me from my blind sides. All but Donatello, that is. When he was in a 'thinking' mode, everything else left his mind and thus had suffered quite a bit from my reactions. I just couldn't help it, it was hard drived into me from my time with Bishop, without those violent reflexes I would be sporting more scars than I already possessed.

"I don't really want to..." I mumbled, averting my eyes from his suddenly, embarrassed over my reaction even still. Ever since I was judged even remotely stable he was persistently observing, asking me questions, and examening me physically. Some I could hardly stand, especially the physical examinations. Everything brought back to me the pain and sheer terror that I had experienced under the hands of Bishop. The physical touches reminded me of the experiments, the pain, the guards, and of Bishop. Even now my reactions had caused my family to hesitate to lay a finger on me, even as a friendly, brotherly gesture. The questioning brought freshly to mind all of the events of terror and brutality, some that I had all but forgot and wished that I could continue to forget. The observing was eerie, to say the least, it put me on edge. I might be doing something completely mundane and out of the corner of my eye I'd see a dark green, purple banded turtle perched on something while scribbling away in his notebook.

He sensed my change in attitude and I felt him get excited. "How are you feeling right now? What is causing you to become so nervous? Could you describe to me the emotions that you are experiencing?" He stared at me, eyes bright, pencil poised. I looked at my feet, wishing desperately that I could simply sink into the wall. What was I supposed to say? I didn't like these things. I knew that he wasn't trying to be mean, Splinter had told me plenty of times after chastising Don for being too persistent. He simply lost control of his scientists' mind sometimes. I was told that he could get like this with solitary projects as well, not even acknowledging your existence unless you physically forced him into reality. Yes, I understood. I didn't like it, but I understood. After all, I must be a mightily unique case study. I could get like that sometimes, when my mind wandered, I would 'find' things... That's one reason why so far my family has been afraid to leave me alone, they don't want me to 'accidently' find Al again. They don't like the places that my mind can sometimes go.

"Mikey?"

I jerked, realizing that I was staring at the same spot on my toe for some time. I had spaced out again. I whipped my head up to see Don, peering at me curiously with his pencil still tightly clutched between his fingers. It was like he was expecting me to do something crazy. I felt incredible sorrow all of a sudden, the sadness etching itself on my face. Don's face immediately changed expression. "Oh, Mike, I'm sorry if I did it again! Look, I'll go now and leave you alone, I'll-"

"Stop bugging him!"

We both turned to see the red clad turtle glaring at Don. He shrinked sheepishly beneath his gaze, waving slightly. "I was actually just going, Raph. Promise!" Flashing me an apologetic smile he darted out of sight.

I sighed at the sight of my brother. Out of everyone, he has been the brother that I've clung to the most. He was also the most protective. The most steady. The most constant. The easiest to get along with.

He didn't expect a thing of me except to be there.

Thus I was moved out of my demolished room, partly to keep me from being alone and partly, I suspect, because they feared it would bring up memories of Al and perhaps bring them back. So, I was moved in with Raph. Though he snored, the constant noise was somewhat of a comfort and he was the one who was the least bothered by my preference to hang my hands in the air and sit up while I sleep. Perhaps because I slept that way so long, sitting up with shackles around my wrist, that I couldn't revert back to lying down. I wasn't even sure I wanted to change it, it felt so constant.

Don wanted to look into my past, to heal, to learn, to study. While these were admirable goals, it simply didn't feel right to me, it was like I was the subject of a different kind of experimentation. Leo had determined that everything could be solved by meditation and constant physical training, thus he was constantly trying to get me to participate. I quickly found that neither of these seemed to help the situation, something that he didn't seem to see. The meditation, while I swiftly found that I am quite adept at (perhaps from the times I was alone before Al) simply drew me into a deep depression or a mysterious rage. Everything that currently resided in my mind, it seemed, was not good for me. Physical training either drained me or brought back the tinges of mindless need for violence that I'd eperienced so often with Al.

Raph leaned in close, as close as he knew that I was comfortable, and spoke. "Look, Mikey I planned this thing out, you have to see it. We can fix everything, you and I, we don't need the rest of them. We-" A sound across the Lair made him dart his head to the side. Hesitating a bit, he turned to me again. "But not here, we'll talk more in our room. Follow me." I was perplexed by his speach, not having a clue of what he was talking about, but followed him anyway.

I padded behind him softly, my head down, my eyes staring blankly ahead. Just as I'd always Don in Bishop's lab when it was beneficial to play 'dummy' I opened my senses to my surroundings. I could hear the creak of Don's chair and the preperatory crack of knuckles before he started clacking away at the keyboard in his lab across the Lair. The mats in the Dojo made an odd squeaking sound as Leo's foot pivoted on them, probably doing one of his katas. The televisions were playing a melodious, simple theme song that I recognized instantly. It was one of the video games on pause. One that apparently used to be my favorite. I can't stand them now, they were senseless, useless...

A hand on my arm made my muscles spasm as my heart went cold with instant fear. Jerking my body, I whirled around, arms tight, ready to face whatever had touched me. An aging hand caught my wrist with ease, a furry, worried face looking up at me. "I apologize for approaching you in such a way, Michelangelo. It was a lapse in judgement in my part."

I forced my trembling muscles to calm down, though it was difficult. Holding my breath, I concentrated the rush of violent anger within me, away for now. Suddenly my limbs felt weak and I wanted to hide, feeling defenseless with that emotion now unavailable. I looked upon my father and felt worse. His expression was one of sadness, something I could plainly see despite the smile on his face. I could tell he wanted so desperately to touch me, to hug me...but I could not. For the life of me, I could not be like he wanted me to be, like I was before.

He sighed and cleared his throat. "I wanted to speak to you, if you have the time my son." Raph opened his mouth to protest but the rat shot him a glance. "I believe it is of importance to your getting well." Raph caught his breath, but didn't look happy about it. I looked at them both, knowing that they didn't expect me to see the silent communication with my head hanging down like it was. They'd be surprised.

I looked at Splinter. I knew he phrased the request like that to be polite, for there was nothing for me to do since I got here, at least nothing that I was assigned. I always had time, almost too much. I looked at my brother beside me meekly and he nodded. "Yeah, uh, I'll catch up with you later Mike. Then we can talk some, kay?" I nodded and with a slight smile he left us alone.

So I followed Splinter to his room and watched with some trepidation as the ricepaper doors closed behind us. This room was so different than anyplace else. It was slightly closed in but beautifully decorated with delicate looking japanese designs. Momentos were placed in places of admiration and there was a slender stick of incense burning almost constantly. Strangely it seemed to me almost like another prison.

Sitting down nervously, I silently accepted the tea, though I didn't take a sip, and watched with my head down as he sat across from me. We sat in uncomfortable silence for a little bit, him pulling together his thoughts and me wishing that I could sink into the floor. Perhaps he was expecting me to say the first word, he looked like he was expecting something.

Then he quietly cleared his throat and started. "Michelangelo, I wish to know what is holding you back from us."

The words surprised me and I could do nothing but sit there and stare at the same spot on the wooden floor, silently scrambling for my thoughts amidst much confusion. Finally, I choked something out. "Splinter?"

Even though I didn't look directly at him, I could see him smile. "Perhaps you are not aware of it, alas I cannot tell at this time. But there is something, perhaps something related to your...former companion...that is keeping you from healing your spirit as you should. You have progressed very admirably in these many days since you have become truly free, but some time ago, something happened within you and it not only halted your healing, but in a way it even caused you to get worse."

He left the sentence on that note, perhaps expecting to reveal what was weighing on my mind right away, or at least give away a clue. In truth, though for some reason his words rang treu somehow. What was it? for some reason I couldn't think of it. And I wanted to, I wanted to make Splinter happy. He was so nice to me. There did seem to be a void...what was in there? Scrunching my brow, I put in some thought to it and suddenly that same spot in my head shot pain once again. Wincing, I instinctively put my hand to my head, wishing it away.

Suddenly the silence seemed to become stronger and I looked up to see Splinter staring at me with wide, fearful eyes. I was startled and momentarily forgot the pain and stared back at him, something in me wanting to know what he was thinking and something else begging me to turn away. "Splinter?" I whispered out.

"My son," he said hoarsely and closed his eyes tightly before taking a deep breath. Suddenly I knew, he saw something that you could not see with your eyes. I was afraid, what did he see? What did he sense? The stabbing pain in my skull intensified briefly before completely dissappearing, leaving me with a cold, chilled feeling. I stared at my father, very much wary, very much afraid.

"My son," he repeated and clutched his own head in a weary gesture. "I apologize, but it appears that we will have to continue this some other time. Something has...come to my attention...that needs to be seen to. Ah," he paused, assessing me silently. I could distinctly feel that he was holding something back. I fought down the brief urge to charge to my feet and demand information, to get it out of him in any way possible. I wasn't like that anymore. Shaking my head, I heard him shift slightly.

He crossed his legs more comfortably, laying his hands in a way that I knew. He was about to do some serious meditation. I couldn't help but shiver. Every time I meditated I saw...horrible things...I hated it, even though from what my family tells me I am much better at it than I was before. He spoke without meeting my gaze, I got a bad, cold, slinking sensation in my gut at the action. "You are about to join your brother Raphael?" I nodded. Still not meeting my gaze, he continued. "For the next few days I would wish it that you were with one of your brothers at all times, no matter what you are doing. Is that understood?"

I was both perplexed at the words in the request and slowly getting angry at the fact that it was an order. I could almost imagine what Al would say at a time like this... of course I musn't think of such things. Heated with a mixture of feelings I opened my mouth to answer, but could think of nothing to say. Splinter continued. "I will inform your brothers of this decision, so you need not worry about telling them. Now, go join your brother so that I can rest."

"But what happened?" I mannaged to utter out.

He looked up, startled at my only group of words in our entire one sided conversation. Emotions flicked across his eyes until they finally relaxed in something that I could not read. "Do not worry about it, my son. Perhaps it is simply the odd worries of an old rat." With that he closed is eyes in a clear indication of the end of our meeting. Hesitantly, I got up and in three steps I was out of the room. I found Raph waiting for me and immediately found comfort in the stoic, confident demeanor of my brother.

I had no idea what he was wanting as he led me to our room, my mind was still reeling from all of what transpired. So much I wondered, so much I didn't know, so much I wanted to know. How do you come by such information? I was horribly confused.

Immediately upon entering the room, Raph shut the door behind us and fumbled for a box buried in the closet. With an excited, intense gleam in his eye, he grinned as he placed it on the floor between us.

Opening it, his mouth opened a floodgate of words as he pulled out and pointed to different pieces of paper. That was the map of the building where Bishop now held his work. This was showing the piping in the place, this had all the security information. Unfurling a paper, loose with constant handling, he began to lay out a plan. How we could use the piping that led to the waterside, bypass the security here, and defeat it here. He explained what type of weapons the guards would be using and the best ways to disarm them. Using them is useless, he explained, thanks to a thumbprint technology. Bishop's office would likely be held in this room, with this type of additional security. His main work areas were in these three rooms. The type of work was unknown, but I could have Bishop handed to me. "It took a hell of a lot of planning and research, but I told ya I'd help you," he whispered hoarsely after the long speach, pushing a photograph of Bishop to me. He grinned and met my eyes. "I told you."

Throughout the entire thing my thoughts were going crazy, though you couldn't tell it through my expressionless face. Get Bishop? I could have my revenge? A feeling that I hadn't had for many weeks started to slowly unfurl deep within my gut, slowly coarsing down my veins and warming my body. The weak, depressed pacifist slowly began to be replaced with something infinetly more familiar. I felt like I could charge anything, win at anything. It was the ease, the confidence, the violent mood that got me out of the last lab. My muscles tightened and my breathing increased, I clutched the picture, staring into those eyes. Those eyes...I wanted Bishop dead. I wanted to tear open his throat. I wanted to hear him scream.

"I want to kill him." My voice sounded much harsher than I intended, but I seemed to revel in that. Raph, looking at me, grinned at the sound. It was almost like he could see the fire in my own eyes, the redness in my voice. As if he could taste the familiar coppery taste on my tongue. As if he approved.

"Yeah, you can kill him. You need to, if you're gonna get any better. You have to kill him. You have to." He truly thought this was rehabilitation. Who knows, perhaps it was. Perhaps this thing left undone was the empty void that had been sucking me dry for so long.

Yet I shook my head.

"No, Raph. I want to."

A/N:I know, not too much action in there. And we were dealing with flinchy, scared Mikey most of the time, but things will change again. We're over the halfway point in this story, I can see the end coming in maybe 3 or 4 chapters. Please let me know what you think about it, any predictions, what you'd like to see happen, stuff like that. It might not change anything that I write, but sometimes I get ideas from reviews and they also give me the gumption to start writing again!

Toodles!