"Phaaaaaaaaantom! I'm siiiiiiiiick!"

Elkay spread herself over the table dramatically, spilling Phantom's orange juice. He sighed and rubbed his forehead.

"What am I supposed to do about it?"

"Go get the Ficties all by yourself."

He frowned.

"All by myself."

"Yes, all by yourself."

He frowned more deeply.

"All by myself."

"That's what I said!"

He sighed.

"Are you forgetting that I was nearly eaten by a T-Rex, yesterday?"

Elkay moaned.

"I'm si-ick!"

"Yeah. I noticed."

She pouted.

"You wouldn't turn down the request of a sick dragon, would you?"

Phantom rubbed his chin slowly.

"Hm . . . Let me think . . ."

"Please? . . ."

Phantom sighed with exasperation.

"Do I have to go alone?"

"Bring a Fictie. I don't care. Just go . . ."

Phantom stood up.

"Alright. Where to?"

"Portal."

"Obviously, but where does the portal lead?"

"No, I mean the franchise is Portal."

"Ah. Never heard of it."

Elkay whimpered.

"Hurry! Time is of the essence."

"No, it isn't."

She wailed as Phantom stood up and walked away.

"Bring me back some Tylenol!"

***TSPOTOFEW***

Phantom trotted down the front steps of the Paris Opera and cupped his hands around his mouth.

"Does anyone want to help me bring back more characters?"

Blu poked his head out of a nearby window and raised his wing.

"I will!"

Phantom sighed.

"Sorry, I need a humanoid character. We're going to be operating some kind of gun."

Blu pouted.

"I mean, you can come," Phantom elaborated, "But I also need an anthropomorphic creature if I'm going to get through this."

Alan Grant, who was holding a baguette for no apparent reason, jogged over.

"I'll go. I don't have much to do today."

Phantom nodded.

"Great," he said unenthusiastically, "We leave in three minutes."

***TSPOTOFEW***

When they entered the land of Portal, Phantom, Alan, and Blu found that the facility around them was very empty. The walls were covered in white tiles, and the environment was rather sterile. They stepped through the chamber with trepidation, their footsteps echoing eerily.

"Are you sure this is the right place?" Blu asked, "It looks pretty empty to me."

Phantom nodded.

"Elkay warned me that this franchise was a little plain, aesthetically. That makes it easier to find the characters, I suppose."

Blu fluttered around the room. Finding nothing of interest, he perched himself on Phantom's shoulder.

"How are we supposed to find the characters? I don't see a door, and there's nobody here . . ."

At that precise moment, the lights shut off, leaving the three men in absolute darkness.

"That can't be good . . ." Alan remarked.

'Greetings,' a robotic voice said monotonously, 'Welcome to the cooperative testing initiative. Due to recent budgetary adjustments, we will no longer be using mobile AI units to complete this program. We will instead be using YOU.'

Phantom groaned.

"Well, fuck. This didn't go as planned . . ."

'Your contribution is greatly appreciated. You are furthering the cause of science. To recompense your efforts, you will be provided with cake at the end of the testing period.'

Blu cheered.

"Woohoo! I like this place!"

The lights flickered and grew bright. Two strange-looking devices were rotating slowly on metal arms.

'Please take your Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device and proceed to the next chamber.'

The wall opened up like some sort of crazy Rubik's Cube, revealing another room. Phantom rubbed his chin and stared at the two guns.

"What do you guys think? Do you want to give it a go?"

Blu hopped up and down on his shoulder excitedly.

"Yes! Yes! Yes! Take the blue one!"

Alan hummed.

"Alright. I'll be orange. I guess this is some sort of multiplayer game . . . possibly, a puzzle."

Phantom nodded.

"Great. I'm good at puzzles."

Blu smiled.

"This is going to be a breeze!"

***TSPOTOFEW***

It wasn't a breeze. Despite the fact that they had found some very handy shock-absorbing boots, the tests were hard to get through. Phantom often figured out how to solve the puzzles on his own, but Alan was convinced that his methods were easier. Sometimes, he was right, but more often, they ended up fighting over ridiculous details that didn't even matter.

"Look, I'm telling you, we need to find a way to paint that surface over there with blue gel!" Alan snapped, "It's the only way to get rid of those shooty-eggs!"

Phantom growled.

"Oh, sure! Go ahead and make them bounce! You know what's going to happen? They're gonna fly up in the air, shoot all over the place, and kill us both. Don't be impulsive. There has to be a better way to solve this."

Blu tugged his feathers in agony.

"WILL YOU TWO STOP ARGUING?!" he sobbed, "I just want cake . . ."

Phantom frowned.

"I think we need to analyze this situation."

"Are you crazy?!" Alan gasped, "We've been here for hours!"

Phantom dug his fingernails into his palm.

"Well, we could have reduced the time if you had just listened to me."

"Wrong!" Alan bleated.

"Not at all," Phantom declared pompously, "I'm a genius. I'm never wrong."

"You're an arrogant ass!"

"You're a middle-aged prick!"

Blu squawked.

"Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!"

Suddenly, Alan shot a single portal beneath the dripping tube of blue gel.

"Don't you dare . . ." Phantom whispered.

With a rebellious grunt, Alan shot another portal on the wall. The blue gel burst from the hole and soaked three turrets, which shot in random directions as they bounced up and down. They fell into a deep pit. No one was injured.

"Told you," Alan smirked.

Phantom said nothing. He simply threw his gun to the ground and turned towards the exit.

"You mad?" Alan crowed.

"Fuck you. I'm done. I'm done with all of this. I don't even want to find the characters. I. Am. Out."

Suddenly, the door closed in front of him. Phantom sighed.

"Am I not allowed to leave?"

'No. You're almost done.'

Phantom cocked his head. The voice was no longer robotic. In fact, it sounded very familiar . . .

'Surprise! I was never sick. I got you good!'

A cloud of confetti fluttered down from the ceiling. Phantom growled.

"Goddamnit, Elkay. What do you want?"

'I already brought back the characters.'

"When?"

'Last night.'

"Why?"

'Just to fuck around with your mind. Speaking of which, why didn't you freak out when I asked you to burn the Companion Cube? I thought you'd be really torn up about that . . .'

"It's a box with a heart. I don't see the big deal."

The sound of a snorting laugh echoed over the intercom.

'You insensitive bastard!' Elkay giggled, 'Despite your lack of empathy, I expect you to complete this boss fight without much difficulty. You're a genius, after all. The only thing standing in your way is your inability to execute proper teamwork.'

Phantom looked over at Alan.

"Yeah, well, it's not like I have a very good partner."

"Hey!" Alan snapped, "You're just as bad, if not worse!"

Elkay clicked her tongue.

'Guys, guys . . . Shut the fuck up. Seriously. You have to work together.'

"Why?" Phantom asked.

'Because we're about to have a boss battle.'

Elkay swung down from the ceiling, hanging by her tail. She swiveled around loosely with a bunch of glowing spheres in her hands.

"Are you ready?" she asked.

"For what?" Phantom whimpered.

"THIS!"

And with that, she began to throw bombs at them.

***TSPOTOFEW***

One boss battle later, The Phantom of the Opera and Alan Grant returned to Paris with exhaustion. Blu trailed behind them, panting heavily.

"At least . . . we get . . . cake . . ."

Elkay stepped over him.

"Actually, that was a lie. There is no cake."

Blu's eye twitched. Shortly after, he collapsed into a sobbing heap.

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

Phantom stomped up the main staircase testily.

"Well, I hope everyone's happy. You've all ruined what could have been a good day."

"Oh, come off it!" Alan huffed, "You wouldn't appreciate it, even if it was a good day."

Phantom jeered.

"Fuck you! Fuck life! Fuck this motherfucking dragon!"

Elkay snuffed.

"Fuck your language."

Phantom snarled.

"I'm sure you have. You just make up words like you have the right to alter linguistics!"

Elkay gasped, completely and utterly offensified.

"That's not fair!"

"It is! You've raped the English language!"

Elkay jeered.

"Not true: my brief fling with the letter 'Q' was totally consensual!"

Phantom blinked.

"What? . . ."

Alan stepped forward.

"Can we just focus on the real issue here?"

"That you're a grumpy, old man who needs to shut up?" Phantom mocked.

"Oh, that's real mature, coming from a man who wears a stupid mask to cover up his ugly mug!"

Phantom glared at him.

"You don't know what I look like."

Alan smirked.

"Your mask doesn't cover your lip, genius."

Phantom growled. With a mischievous grin, Elkay flicked her tail back and forth.

"Phantom, don't start a fight. You'll be at each other's throats, and before you know it, you'll bring up Alan's dead wife."

Phantom scoffed.

"His wife is dead? Lucky her: she didn't have to get a divorce. Was it suicide? I can't imagine how she could bear to live with such a dense man."

Alan was deeply affected by Phantom's cruel words. Elkay noticed this, and pricked her ears.

"Don't get upset, Alan. The last thing you want to do is bring up a sensitive subject, such as Christine . . ."

Phantom was no fool. Elkay's attempts to start a fight had not gone over his head. Nevertheless, he was left speechless by the very mention of the woman he had left behind in his own franchise. He stood shaking, his jaw agape.

"Who the hell is Christine?" Alan asked, "Surely, he doesn't have an ex-girlfriend . . . nor any girlfriend, for that matter . . ."

"Don't call me 'Shirley'," Elkay sassed, "As a matter of fact, this woman rejected him, leaving him at the mercy of an angry mob, hunted by the police in the streets of Paris."

Phantom looked up at her with a cold hatred.

"Enough."

"She kissed him," Elkay continued, "Only to save her boyfriend, though. It didn't really mean anything."

Phantom clenched his teeth.

"Say no more . . ."

Elkay ignored him.

"He's not really popular with the ladies, in case you haven't noticed. Not that it matters. She was obviously an insensitive broad, if the only thing that mattered to her was his twisted fa-"

With lightning speed, Phantom punched the dragon. Hard. She shrieked and reared up on her hind legs.

"Motherfucker! The fuck are you doing?! I'm a fucking dragon, dumbass!"

She snorted, and smoke billowed out of her nostrils. Phantom didn't care.

"Fuck you, and fuck your stupid mind-games. I'm leaving."

As he whipped around and stormed down the hall, Elkay reassured herself that she had not gone too far. There was no such thing as "too far". Hopefully.

Alan rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, then settled on picking up an unconscious Blu. The bird was obviously very distraught by the egregious lack of cake after such a grueling day. In any case, he wasn't waking up.

"Should we get him a vet?" Alan asked.

"Times New Roman."

Alan frowned.

"What?"

"Times New Roman," Elkay repeated, "When I fucked the letter 'Q', it was Times New Roman."

Alan blinked.

"People around here sure do say 'fuck' a lot . . ."

Elkay shrugged.

"We gotta justify that 'M' rating, somehow."