He could hear her movement even above the wailing sirens and blaring horns. It was a usual occurrence, her responding to his silent disturbances in the dead of night. He did not know how she did it, how she was so in tune to his mind and soul that even in her deepest sleep she could feel his turbulent thoughts. At first his nightmares had been loud, urging Tifa to come running to his side and calm him before the children woke up disturbed and worried. Over time he had trained himself to scream silently, lock his muscles so no more involuntary bruises would taint her skin. He would jolt up, breathe while familiarising himself with the reality of the present to dissolve the fear always tickling the back of his mind of some curse that did not exist. Then, he would silently creep down the stairs and sit on the dead patch of grass that was considered their pitiful garden.
Seconds would pass before his stomach would flutter at the assurance of her footsteps following his.
The nightmares were changing. At first only small differences, a swap of words, a change in weather in the otherwise repetitive scenes. Nothing significant. But then the auburn-haired companion changed to a brunette and his heart almost exploded at the sight.
That was just the beginning.
The back door opened, bare feet stepping out before a nearly silent click of the door shutting. The smell of warmth and cinnamon and something wholly Tifa filled his nose, the addictive heat of her body settling beside his.
Innocent glassy eyes open and afraid and lifeless flashed behind his eyes.
"Again?" came her voice, heavy with fatigue but loving and caressing to his frenzied mind. It calmed under her voice, quiet and respectful for their monarch.
"Yeah," he said, leaning into her ever so slightly, her own gravitational pull. How he had resisted for so long, he would never know. She was everything good and beautiful in the world and he would be damned to be blinded, deprived and lonely, any longer. He knew what that felt like. The hopelessness. It brought more harm than any good his intentions suggested. He finally understood; repeating the same mistake would never result in a new outcome.
He stopped short of touching her, the fear that had consumed him for most of his life seizing him immediately. Maybe she did not want to comfort him, soothe his worries and ease the drumming of his damaged heart. She was there because it was expected of her. The fatigue weighing her words, she had her own problems and issues to worry about without him shoving more onto her shoulders. Hunched inwards, curling into her body. What had happened to her strong stance, the muscles that only ever shivered under ghosting kisses and greedy hands? Thoughts straying into dangerous territory, memories he welcomed and cherished and held onto tightly because it was him and her.
That damn fear.
But then he felt it, her hand over his on the rough grass, offering him everything he could ever wish for.
"Want to talk about it?" she asked, taking her eyes away from the starless sky to gaze at him. A look he wanted to be trapped in forever.
He began to shake his head. "Just the usual," he sighed, eyes pinching at the throbbing that made its home in head and intensified on nights like these.
Her thumb rubbed over his knuckles. "Don't lie to me, Cloud." He looked up at her, hating the frown on her face. "They're getting worse."
A statement. Almost as if she could see his darkest fears and most twisted thoughts. See them evolve every night as if plucked from a demon. His stomach dropped at the thought. She should not ever be exposed to such things. Never.
She was right – they were getting worse. Tonight's terror had been unlike any twisted figment of imagination he had ever encountered. There was no enemy to channel anger towards. No anger at all, in fact. An initial swell of comfort and longing upon seeing the first person he ever considered home visiting him. Her presence convincing him he would dream well with her. But, as was usually the case, his troubled mind could not leave it be. Confusion and disbelief took over, an icy chill spreading through his veins replacing the hot blood he had come to associate with a need for vengeance, retribution, bloodlust. He had not even woken up in a cold sweat. Just…lost and confused. Dazed and above the earth.
"It's nothing," he said, hating himself immediately, knowing she would get the impression he was distancing himself from them, from her, again. "They're…ugly. You shouldn't hear bad things. See bad things."
"It's nothing new, Cloud."
His frown only deepened. "I hate that."
"I know." She squeezed his hand.
"It was…different." His finger circled the rim of the glass of milk and honey he had brought out, no doubt now cold. He hadn't even thought when his body instinctively moved around the kitchen to warm it up for himself. She used to make it for him when he had restless nights. He needed that connection with her. "My mum..."
Tifa watched him gulp down his milk, a single trail flowing over the glass and down his chin and neck.
"It was that night at the Nibel reactor. When Zack and you…when he hurt you both. And I ran up, but I didn't feel it. Everything was all blurry and I was just watching through my body, like it was all happening to someone else. And in the room..."
How was he supposed to finish? How could he say the words that lumped together in his throat, words that formed a deformed image his mind had created to torture him? Tainting all his memories of her, the smells, the caring touches, the first and ultimate love. He shut his eyes, tilting his head up to the sky and pleaded to her. For strength, for courage, for clarity and assurance.
"It was my mum up there. In the tank. All alien and wicked. And Sephiroth turned away for one second and then he was me."
Tifa's weight lingered in his arms, her slick blood coating his arms, joining him as he sought revenge for the damage done to her and his friend. But he felt no exertion upon lifting the Buster Sword, not how he remembered. He had struggled, even with the immense adrenaline running through him, to hold it as heavy legs jumped up the stairs. He flew now. Feet hardly hitting the steps in his rush. The tanks blurred around him, swirling in his peripheral vision as he locked onto the steel door.
It opened easily. Silence. His thoughts clear, no white noise deafening him. The absence of hate eerily calming as he witnessed Sephiroth expose the enemy from the skies. Slow motion. His heart did not threaten to burst through his chest. His body did not quiver and shake in uncontrollable rage. There was no feeling.
Just…home.
And he saw it. Saw her.
Blonde hair flowed down the expanse of a naked torso. Disfigured. Blue eyes shone through the glass, staring right at him. The wrinkles around them smiling. Her little boy. Finally come to his mother. Her sole arm lifted, reaching out for him only to be inhibited by the tube engulfing her. She lay her palm flat against it, and although he should not have been able to hear her, he did.
"Cloud. Sweetie."
The voice he loved lined with evil, ruining everything he remembered of her. Tainting soft lullabies and gentle words. But it was her. Right? That was his mother. Not burned in her home like the rest of the godforsaken town. He still had her, could still have her forever. He would not abandon her. Not again, never again. He could save her.
He stepped forward, the sword slipping.
"Yes, Cloud."
Sephiroth turned to JENOVA – his mother – caressing the glass over her face. Silent prayers in which words were lost conveyed through his eyes. She did not waver in her adoration of Cloud's presence.
"Mother…we will be together. Right, Cloud?"
Yes! He wanted to scream. He wanted to run to Sephiroth and have him release his mother so they could be together.
Tifa…Zack…
No, this was wrong. Sephiroth was not right. He had hurt them, the ones he loved. Just like he did before. He had killed his mother. And it would happen again. She was not…she couldn't be…
Mum…
JENOVA?
Blue eyes flashed.
"Cloud," she called. "Come."
"Come, Cloud. Let's help Mother."
Cloud turned to Sephiroth, meeting an image identical to his own. He looked down, Masamune in his hands with the combined blood of two of his most cherished. He should have felt sick.
"You had to, Cloud," his mother said. "They were stopping you. They did not want us to be reunited. We must. We need each other, love. Come. Help me. I need you."
"Mother!"
Kadaj, Loz and Yazoo. Crying joyous tears as they ran past Cloud and surrounded the tank. Hands desperate to touch, hold, embrace. Greedy and impatient but waiting for him.
"Brother! Join us. Our reunion has come. Let us be together, a family once more."
"Mum?"
"Oh, my dear sweet child. Come. They hurt you. They always will. Let me see your hurt, let me take it away. We'll both get through this, make sure you never get hurt again. Never let this world harm us."
A little blond haired boy pushed into a puddle of mud, dirtying his new clothes. The children all laughing at him, the adults turning away.
School lunches stolen and fed to the three legged dog, chucked down the well, rubbed into his hair.
Bruises on pale skin. Blood on his knuckles and knees. No one believing him. Liar, accusations spat from all around. Fingers thrust in his face.
The girl from next door turning her back on him, getting lost in the crowd and leaving him behind. Slipping through his fingers into an abyss.
ShinRa grunts whispering from the corners of his eyes, jeering at his failures again.
A young boy abused to an adolescent scarred.
One constant always by his side to mend his physical and mental wounds.
She was dead.
No, she was there. He could see her, hear her.
JENOVA…that name was wrong. Sour.
NO.
He grasped her tube within moments, releasing her from her confines. She emerged, breathing the toxic fumes of the reactor like nectar.
"My child," she cooed, fingers cradling Cloud's face and bringing him into her embrace. "No more hurt."
"Mum…"
"Just us. Together. Always."
That sounded nice.
Right?
Screams echoed into the night when his eyes fluttered open. Screams he knew all too well but failed to dwell on. Tanks opening, steam billowing out as his mutated family appeared and joined him and his brothers.
Cloud by JENOVA's side, slowly destroying the only two others he had loved.
For a moment, he had almost convinced himself he was back home, tucked safely into his mother's side while the storm thundered around them. The grey walls of his room above Seventh Heaven had greeted him, and he was not sure whether that soothed him or not.
He had slipped out of bed, grabbing himself a glass of milk and honey just like his mother usually did whenever he had a bad sleep and retreated into the small garden space.
"Mum always liked being around nature when she was stressed. Said it calmed her down."
"How do you feel now?" Tifa asked.
"I don't know. Sad? Guilty?"
"Why?"
"…For not thinking about her more often. Her missing out on this." For ever putting his mother in the place of a monster. For believing it. Wanting it.
"This?"
His cheeks warmed, but he felt no shame. "Our family."
Tifa ducked her head, hiding a smile Cloud knew was stretched across her face.
"Do you think…it was the S cells?" his voice was low, almost afraid to say the words as if they would join in the space around him and become real. "Making me believe JENOVA was my mother? That they were my family?"
"I don't know. Whatever it was, it's bullshit."
His lip lifted upwards into a smirk. He always found it amusing when Tifa swore.
"Yeah."
Their hands had intertwined, his finger playing with her wolf ring. He had never realised which finger it encircled before. Had he?
"I would never hurt you."
"I know."
"Not intentionally. Not again."
"Cloud."
He had no clue where he was going with this. The moon appeared from behind grey clouds and with it his courage soared beyond the blanket of fear he shrouded himself with like a second skin.
Tifa lay back on the ground, tugging on Cloud's hand.
"The sky looks so big. Come, look. Lay with me."
How could he deny her? Hair splayed out around her, eyes soft and warm and loving, lips curved into a shy smile. He lay beside her, placing their joined hands on his chest. His heart thumped beneath.
Laying on his back, the sky did look intimidating, perfectly still and dark. And big. It made him feel small, a feeling he was all too accustomed to. But this was different. Small enough to think that perhaps the miseries and darkness surrounding his life would dim. Burdens would crumble and he could stand tall and strong in the light. The evils in his head had no hold over him, escaping in the presence of the sky, no place to hide and taunt him. Just open space. Eternity for him to simply breathe and feel. But if he looked long enough his stomach would roll. Falling. Crushed under the weight of the empty sky pressing down on him. It riveted him.
But what was the expanse of the sky in comparison to the magnitude of emotions the woman beside him brought? The touch of her hand driving away his fears and delusions. Soaking in her purity through every pore in his body, hoping it would cleanse his soul, hoping he could then be enough for her. She terrified him. She calmed him. She made him happy and confused and wanted and guilty and frustrated. But he always returned. Always would. Because with Tifa he was everything. A man, a friend, a companion, a window cleaner, a protector, an aid, a hero. And something just more. Nameless.
But it was everything.
Gazing up at the sky, so quiet and calm, he could not believe it was capable of birthing such an evil entity.
A sudden thought came to him.
"Do you think…mum's up there? Looking down on me?"
"She's always been with you. She would be so proud of you. You know that, right?"
He didn't. He couldn't understand how she would. But hearing Tifa say that did something to him. Moved feelings in his chest. He had always been a source of disappointment, although she never let him think that. He knew it. He was never the smartest child, nor the friendliest. Neither strong nor brave. Always getting into fights and ruining everything she worked so hard to provide for him. How could she be proud of him?
"She's up there, watching you right now. With Aerith and Zack and my mum. They're laughing at Zack's stories of your time in ShinRa with him. And in turn she's telling them all about your adorable baby tales. It's because of you she can have that peace and love with them. You're the reason they are able to be with each other."
It was the stuff of dreams, and while he was lacking in those, he could easily see that picture. His mother at ease when all she knew in life was pain and struggle. Smiling.
"We should get some plants," she said suddenly. "This place has been neglected long enough."
"What do you suggest?"
"Lots of colour. I liked your mum's purple roses. And the red dahlias."
He remembered those, vaguely. He remembered seeing a little girl admiring them over the fence separating their gardens through his window. Remembered plucking a flower and leaving it on her doorstep, knowing she would be the first to see it as she greeted the milkman. Remembered her skipping through town with it neatly tucked into her hair. Remembered his mother's delight at seeing the girl from next door showing off her new accessory to the town. Her adoration of the little girl. Remembered the incessant teasing of his mother reminding him of the bouquet Tifa would hold on their wedding.
Their wedding…
Brown eyes peered up at him, seeing him for everything he was and wasn't. Seeing through him until they touched his soul and made him quiver with an intensity he was sure could take out armies.
"I won't let anyone ever hurt you again, Cloud. No more hurt."
Tifa stroked his face, across his forehead down his nose, along his cheek until they reached his lips. It was her finger on his cheekbone that alerted him to a wetness he hadn't realised he released. Her touch intoxicated him. He could never get enough. More. He grabbed her waist with his free hand, feeling the warmth of her skin against his and the life beating through her veins. The day he could no longer feel that reassurance would be the day he died. Rolling onto his side, his nose grazed her face, breathing her in until his demons drowned under her presence.
"Just us. Together."
"Always."