"Futaba. I'm coming right out and saying you can't watch the rest of this film," Sojiro said, staring sadly at what remained of his television. And the hole in the wall behind it. The Nijima sisters worked out pretty regularly, and anger could do amazing things for your punching power.
"Every obstacle I face only increases my dedication!" Futaba declared, setting up an older laptop that she didn't regularly use anymore but didn't throw away because she was a slob. "You all think you can break me, but my will is iron."
"We're not trying to break you. We are going to kill you," Ann said.
"We're all in on it at this point," Akira agreed.
"They will never find where you're buried," Ryuji growled.
"I have it on good authority nobody will ever even look," Sae said. She and Makoto fist-bumped in a show of sisterly hatred.
"Everyone!" Haru said, clapping her hands together. "I know you're all having a tough time. But murdering Futaba is not going to help! We're over halfway through, we just… need to buckle down, stay strong, and get through this. I know that, working together, we can survive much worse than this."
She paused.
"And I'm waiting on an e-mail from my banker regarding a loan to open my café after high school, and I just can't risk this horrible girl doing something to our tax records that might endanger that. I please need you to not kill her for a few months."
Makoto sighed. "Okay. For you."
"Maybe Shmakoto will have a lot more screentime?" Ann asked hopefully. "I mean, I know he's into banging his sister, but as long as he's oiled up and naked I don't mind too m-"
"Takamaki, would you like to be buried in that ditch with Futaba and Yusuke?" Makoto snarled.
Haru coughed lightly. "I… well, I mean, that wouldn't be too terrible…"
"Dammit, you're a bunch of traitors."
"Okay! I haven't used this laptop in seven years so it took me awhile to hack my own password, but we're ready to go!" Futaba cheered. "As I recall, Shmakoto was-"
"Skip the rest of that scene," Sae said. Frost formed on the windows from the chill in her words. "Artist boy. I know you don't want to skip scenes so all of you get to hurt equally. I'm telling you right now: I'm not part of your creepy little clubhouse, and I have a migraine, and I think I'm going to puke soon. I'm not. In. The. Mood. Do not test me."
Yusuke pondered this. "I feel a deep existential terror. Is this what is known as 'reading the mood?'"
"That," Ryuji said, "is the first real human reaction you've had this whole damn movie. Go with it."
"Very well. We may skip scenes featuring Sae's character, because I am very afraid of her," Yusuke confirmed.
Futaba shuddered. "I… will allow it."
Akira turned to Ann, the one sitting closest to him, and whispered, "A chink in her armor. Watch for more vulnerabilities. We have to break her mind to really escape this place."
"Could we just hit her with a wrench?" Ann murmured back, pretending to play with her hair.
"Not as long as she holds all our internet accounts hostage. I found a really good site for vintage games."
"Affirmative, I'll pass it on to Makoto."
"And here we go!" Futaba declared, finding an acceptable scene in the menu (there were seventeen straight scenes titled 'Incest' so it took awhile). "Is everyone ready for the return of art?"
Yusuke hissed like a cat.
"Oh, shush, it is so art. Let's go!" Futaba squealed.
"You guys! After fifteen hours of incest—"
"That is not even physically possible," Makoto hissed.
"—I have found our next case! We must have sex… with the INTERNET! " Shmakoto said, manfully.
"Gasp!" the other sexual thieves said, while Shmorgana licked her own butt.
"But the internet is the! Domain of young people! And full of sweet! Ness and good! " Shakira declared.
"All sorts of living teenagers go there to get their porn! " Shyusuke confirmed. "And as we all know, all porn is wonderful and you should be sure to pay for it through approved channels! "
"MY FAVORITE PORN HAS DICKS JUST THE RIGHT SIZE FOR MY MOUTH! "
Ryuji sobbed a little, which everyone actually took as a good thing. It showed he could still feel emotions.
"Though I carest little for the pleasures of the flesh, and prefer such maidenly activities as doily making and flower arranging, " Shann said, looking across a selection of vibrators to decide which one to begin using on herself while everyone else watched, "Knowest well I do that porn is the most noble, gentle, and wonderful of pursuits. May Thor bless it! "
"I think I'm sensing a certain bias," Sojiro said dryly. "It might just be my imagination, though."
"But wait! By reading my sister's legal files while I plow her day in and day out, I have discovered that a terrible hacker group, probably composed of vile adults, is deleting all the porn on the internet! " Shmakoto declared. "They are known… as Shmedjed! "
"Ah, yes, a name taken from the ancient myths of Shegypt, " Shann said knowledgeably. "I remember them well, learning them from my grandmother as we sacrificed goats to the Sun God together by the banks of the Shnile. "
"What even is she?!" Haru hissed.
"You know, this is kind of fascinating. I think Haru is starting to hate me more than I hate me," Ann said. "I almost have a feeling in my soul again. Almost."
"Well, we must defeat! Line! " Shakira said. "Porn! Is the key to! All society! And everyone! Should also buy! It! And give a 15% bonus to the actors! "
"Don't adlib, you hack! You signed a contract! " Schmorgana snapped.
"WE'RE UNDER A LOT OF STRESS, YOU KNOW! " Shryuji said. "BETWEEN THE DEAD GUY AND ALL THE CUM IN MY HAIR! "
"Nobody is dead! Stop talking about dead people! " Shyusuke said. The corpse kinda twitched, in an alive way. "We are not going to prison! "
"Yeah, because this movie is so cruddy nobody will ever watch it, " Shann muttered.
"How dare you, " Shmorgana snarled.
"You told me this was an off-Broadway neo-modernist Shakespeare tribute, and you know, I don't think it is! "
"What was your first clue? The fact you haven't put clothes on in two hours? That you're coated in lube and semen? All the sex you've been having with these porn stars?! " Ann shrieked. Something shattered in the next room. Morgana yowled in pain and hid under the sofa.
"Well, on the plus side, Takamaki has some passion back. All we need is for this movie to just… just keep getting worse, so it burns her soul through the numbness," Haru said brightly.
"So… she'll be fine, then," Makoto said.
"GREETINGS, HUMANS, " said a text-to-speech program from off-camera. "I AM THE SEXUAL HACKER SHALI SHBABA. I WISH TO HELP YOU SEX THE INTERNET. "
"Gasp! " Shakira said. "Computers speak to us! "
"I seriously want to renegotiate my contract. Can we stop filming? " Shann asked.
"Just! Follow! The script! " Shmorgana screamed, his voice cracking slightly with the sheer rage of the notion of letting someone negotiate more money out of him.
"You know, it just now occurred to me that Shmorgana is a female dog, but her voice actor is a man," Makoto said.
"Still noticing minor details to keep yourself sane?" Ryuji asked.
"You know it."
"TO SEX THE INTERNET, YOU NEED TO BE A HACKER. BUT TO HAVE MY HACKING, YOU MUST FIRST SEX ME. ONLY YOUR WORLD-FAMOUS SEX MAGIC CAN HELP ME OVERCOME MY CRIPPLING SOCIAL PROBLEMS, " said Shali Shbaba.
"Tell us, strange hacker! What is! Your mental issue! "
"I'M KINDA SHY. I USUALLY STAY INSIDE AND DON'T HAVE ANY RANDOM SEX AT ALL. "
"Gasp! " everyone said.
"I'm not sure that counts as an issue," Akira said. "I don't have any random sex at all, and I think I was fairly well-off emotionally, until I started watching this shit movie."
"Shhhhhh. Everybody needs to shut up, we're almost to me," Futaba squealed.
"…. She… has seen the entire movie so far…" Haru said, slowly. "And she still thinks her character is going to be good…?"
"Are you surprised?" Makoto asked. "I think it should be fairly obvious she is not watching the same movie we are. She spends all day eating cream puffs and staring at illegal websites, I think we can safely assume she has some kind of brain disorder."
"Really?" Ann asked hopefully. "You think it's terminal?"
"Maybe not to her, but I think it might kill us."
"Manly men have much random sex, but the manliest men prefer incest! " Shmakoto said cheerfully.
"And it might kill him. Slowly," Makoto growled, low in her throat like a rabid animal. "With a pitchfork. "
"You know, kids, it isn't really the actors' fault…" Sojiro said.
Makoto turned to him and stared. Just stared.
"… On the other hand, I think it's acceptable to kill people for doing their jobs if you're a very, very scary girl," Sojiro said.
"Yeah, that's how we all deal with her when she gets like this. Good job learning so fast! Though admittedly, you've had extra time to practice," Akira congratulated him.
"You know you're like a son to me. But I'm starting to resent you for bringing these people into my life," Sojiro said.
Akira gestured at Futaba. "The worst one already lived here."
"Touché."
"Okay, the team! I think! We! Should! Line! God, why didn't we get those cue cards yet?! " Shakira said.
"Why didn't you read the script, you fucking hack? " Shann muttered.
"Because I'm illiterate, damn you! " Shakira screamed, tears welling up in his eyes.
"… Then why would cue cards help you? " Shmakoto asked.
"Because I'm not very logical, damn you! "
"You know, this is actually getting sorta interesting," Sae said. "It's atrocious as a porn, but when it turns into a reality show starring awful actors making a shit movie, it's kind of compelling."
"Oh, my beloved brother! " Shsae said, walking onto the set in a leather corset and crotchless panties. "I just wanted to let you know, if the Sexual Thieves don't defeat the terrible hackers Shmedjed, we'll have you all put to death. Not that we think you could possibly be the Sexual Thieves, who are clearly masters of disguise and illusion, it's just that our government loves to kill teenagers because all adults prey upon the young. "
"And then even the most backhanded of compliments turns to ash in my mouth," Sae said, her tone cooling instantly down to sub-zero levels.
"Okay, everyone! Let us go! Discover who this hacker might be! " Shakira declared, apparently having gotten over his meltdown pretty quickly. To be fair, the entire cast had more-or-less seemed to have gotten over Shyusuke dying before their very eyes in the space of a few hours, so they might actually just have been resilient people.
"Hello, everyone! " Shsojiro said, wandering onto the set for the first time since his initial appearance. "Did you know my daughter Shfutaba is a hacker? " he asked, and then left.
Sojiro smiled smugly. "Well. I can say I like my character so far."
"You're kind of a bastard, sir," Akira muttered.
"And proud of it, kid."
"Shfutaba! We require your hacking powers to defeat evil hackers! Also, I have an erection with your name on it! " Shakira said, pounding on the first door the team found.
"Verily, young Shfutaba, thine dedication to justice doth pleasure mine loins deeply! Though never have I been with a woman, 'twould please me to give mine virginity to a wondrous lady of virtue such as thineself, " Shann declared.
Ann sharpened a knife. It wasn't clear where she'd found it.
"I ENJOY DICKS, DO YOU HAVE A DICK? I'M A SIMPLE MAN WITH SIMPLE NEEDS! " Shryuji declared.
"She is a woman, my friend, and women do not have manly penises! But I, Makoto, have the largest one in the city! " Shmakoto declared.
Makoto started helping Ann sharpen her knife.
Shyusuke made a kind of popping noise as corpse gas escaped his decomposing innards. Shmorgana was nowhere to be seen, but that was just the risk you took filming during squirrel season.
"Oh gee golly willikers! " said a voice from the other side of the door. "You all sound super gee gosh golly heroic! Though I'm SUPER DUPER SHY, let me come right on out an' talk to you all because a' how much inspiration you inspire in widdle ol' me! "
"Hee. Hee. Hee," Akira said, a gleam in his eyes as he looked at Futaba silently staring at the screen with an unreadable expression, as Shfutaba made herself known.
She was a hacker. You knew this because she was wearing a hat that said 'hacker' on it. Beyond that, she was… well… you could definitely tell she was Futaba because she had brilliantly neon-red hair that was almost painful to look at. And although she was about six feet tall and had a chest that looked like a pair of canned hams were strapped to her, she was definitely the youngest of the group because she was wearing…
"Is that an elementary school uniform?" Makoto asked, just barely polite enough to keep some of the intense glee out of her voice as they took in Shfutaba's 'shirt', which was stretched so tight across her breasts that it looked about ready to explode and which stopped just shy of her abs, and a skirt that was really more of a belt given that it didn't actually cover the panties she wasn't wearing.
"Oh God it is," Ann said with outright, maniacal joy, because she wasn't polite enough. "Hee. Hee. Hee. Well, I guess they heard Futaba was the baby of the group. Hehehehehehehe… BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Takamaki, I know it's pleasant to see her get a little karma, but you may be taking it a little far," Haru said nervously.
"Just… just let her vent, Haru. She's earned this," Ryuji said.
"UWEEEEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEEEHEEEHEEHEEHEEE!"
"I know it sounds horrifying, but it's the laugh of a woman who has achieved nirvana," Akira agreed sagely.
"…ct…" Futaba whispered.
"What was that, Futaba?" Makoto asked, a bit more vindictive glee leaking into her voice. "You seem distressed. Perhaps, maybe, we should stop watching? Or, do we just have to keep going? Because it's soooooo important?"
"Perfect! " Futaba squealed, after a few more seconds of staring.
"… What."
"Do you know who that is?!" Futaba asked, her eyes wide and her face bright red with what the group really hoped was just normal excitement. "They got Titsu Otouro to play me!"
"I feel like something's gone terribly wrong," Ryuji said.
"It's Futaba. That was a given," Morgana said.
"Titsu Otouro! She's… she's a legend in porn parodies," Futaba breathed, practically glowing with joy. "She was Shkaori Shmiyazono in You Lie With April, she was Shmordred in Fuck/Asspocrypha, she was Princess Shcelica in Fire Cumblem Hoes: Shadows of Vagina… she's my idol!"
"AHEM," Sojiro said.
"… I mean, if I wanted to be a porn star, she would be my idol," Futaba corrected herself. "Still. I mean. This is an honor. I couldn't have picked a better choice to portray me!"
Ann slid out of her chair, slowly sort of melting to the floor, tears welling up in her eyes. "So," she said, softly. "There's no God, then?"
"I guess we shouldn't be surprised," Makoto said sadly. "This movie exists. A kind and loving creator would never have let that happen."
"Well, I mean. I know young people have a hard time understanding this sometimes, but there's a certain argument to be made for the fact that evil exists for men to overcome it and improve themselves," Sojiro offered.
Makoto blinked. "So we should kill the people who made this, thus overcoming their evil?"
"I wasn't… going for that, but…"
"I'm down for that. I already put out a few feelers with old friends in law enforcement to hunt them down. Their company went under a few weeks ago, for obvious reasons, but I bet we can track them," Sae said, putting away her phone. "I don't want anyone watching their movies, so I just said they sell babies to cannibals. It's roughly on the same level of evil."
"Okay, seriously, I get that you're upset, but this movie genuinely isn't worth murder!" Sojiro protested.
"That's right!" Akira added.
"Oh, thank you, kid."
"Because it's not murder if it's just. Find them, Sae. Find them so we can rip out their souls."
"For God's sake! You kids are supposed to stop crimes!" Sojiro snapped.
"The crime has already been committed," Ryuji hissed. "We couldn't stop it. We can only avenge it."
"I have had just about enough of you!" Futaba shrieked, climbing up on the coffee table. "Listen to you! Listen to all of you! Acting like this is the worst thing that anyone has ever made, when it's proof! Immutable proof of how great we are! How many people we inspired! You think they make porn of just anyone?! You don't get a dirty movie made about you unless you're something that everyone knows! Unless you've achieved something that will be remembered! This film is irrefutable proof that we are special! That we had an impact! THIS! IS! A! COMPLIMENT! "
"And with that, I'm super-duper golly gee willickers happy that I was able to stop Shmedjed for you! Bye! " Shfutaba said on the screen, closing her door as the Sexual Thieves walked away from her.
"Man, it sure was! Great that we met Shfutaba! " Shakira declared. "Too bad that her! Actress was too expensive to make more than a cameo! "
"IT'S OKAY, SHE DIDN'T HAVE A PENIS SO MY INTEREST IN HER WAS TANGENTIAL AT BEST! " Shryuji declared.
"A shame, but alas and anon, she shall never be seen again, just as those who wandered into the bayous of my home vanished from time and memory! " Shann declared.
The room fell silent. The movie itself even seemed to stop, although nobody had pressed the pause button. Futaba, still standing on the table stood frozen in her expression of indignant porn rage, but she wasn't speaking anymore. She wasn't moving. She didn't appear to breathe. If you had replaced her with a statue, it wouldn't have been immediately obvious.
"They… they cut me out of the movie…?" she whispered, one eye twitching.
"Hehehehe… hehehehehehehehe…" Ann giggled, something cold and malevolent under it. "You sure don't get put in a movie like this unless you're important."
Ryuji smirked. "If you're special. If you had an impact."
"You would have to be someone who will be remembered," Akira agreed with a dark light in his eyes.
"If you have created something that everyone knows," Yusuke said, truly impressing everyone who hadn't thought he was capable of being vindictive.
Makoto's smirk wouldn't have looked out of place on a serial killer about to carve up a victim. "It's. A. Compliment. Really."
Futaba stood in silence, staring into space for several long seconds.
"Now, let us go drink some water while eating plain oatmeal!" Shmorgana said, running back into the scene with a dead squirrel in her mouth. "Because Shfutaba is gone! Forever! And by her contract, we can't have a sex scene within ten minutes of her cameo, so—"
The dog probably had something else to say, admittedly, but it was lost at that moment because Futaba, in a display that was truly amazing for anyone who was aware she had the muscles of a limp noodle, seized up the laptop and, with a toss that would have done pride to an Olympic discus thrower, chucked it out the window to impact against a passing bus.