hi guys, sorry I haven't updated in a long time but that's about to change :D

enjoy...

Chapter 7

BPOV

"English?" Edward smiled and I grinned back.

It seems irrational to love hearing that word but for the first time in forever I didn't fear and cringe at the thought of doing what I love; being happy and just living life. I never thought I'd recover at all and now I'm moving faster in the process then I ever thought I would and it's only been four days, I think.

"Of course. I'd like that." I replied, reaching over to my night table and grabbing my journal, placing it on his lap and opening it up to the second page. "Page two." I whispered and he looked down and began to read aloud.

"Grade six has passed by, I'll miss it but be happy as I can possibly be. What will grade seven be like? Hopefully better. I have class with Alice and Emmett. Rose and Jasper are in Mr. Banner's class. I'm glad I'm with Ms. Cope. She says she loves being a teacher and a secretary but soon she'll only be a secretary. Teaching seems to be too much for her. I know we will always be great friends. I have all my core subjects with her and as much as she's gunna help me, Angela will teach me separately. It's already been six years. She says my writing keeps getting better and better and that's all we can hope for. Anyways, I have to go now, first day of summer and all and Ali has invited the gang over for a nice swim in her pool. It's sure gunna be fun. Love you, xoxo Bella Swan."

"I lost my journal after that day at Alice's house and when I went over to get ready for grade eight graduation, and found it tucked back in her box of old training bras. We were looking through various old things happy about how far we'd come and there it was." I explained.

"What'd you wear to graduation?"

"Turn the page and you'll find out."

He smiled then turned the page and continued to read. "Graduation day. We may not be dressed head to toe in black with fancy hats and fringes but I resemble 1 out of 90 kids in my school, the only one wearing a sweetheart strapless dress, silky black with pinkish-reddish zebra silky dimmed prints covering parts of the dress. It was a cocktail dress. Right above the knee and hugged what curves I had nicely. Alice picked it out for me and she couldn't have made a better choice."

"Sounds nice. Can I see it?"

I shook my head. "I burned it, sorry."

He chuckled. "Guess I'm not surprised."

"She was there, Angela. Cheering me on and everything. When I got handed that white diploma, she smiled bigger than I'd ever seen. I swear, she was happier than my parents." I chuckled a laugh without humor at the memory. "Some things just don't make sense, you know?"

"I know." He agreed. "So what's next?"

"Why don't you turn the page?"

And he did and looked down at the soft pages and began reading. "High School, it's weird. It makes you wanna barf when you take a look at all the japs and hoes that are among these concrete halls. They aren't worthy. There are so many boys in skinny jeans, you wonder how painful it is to get hard." He chuckled in agreement. "They have so many pierces, they could become the world's next human shower head. It's sad really but I have Alice and Rose that'll laugh the whole way through with me." He beamed through the words. "You have quite an imagination Isabella Swan."

"Bella." I corrected. "Angela always called me Isabella so I let it slide. I only let her call me that. Now that she's...g-gone, I'll never be called that again. Ever."

"I see where you're coming from."

We continued to read to grade ten which was about two more pages until the hard core hell writing came in.

"Turn it." I told him.

"Alright..." He hesitated.

"You're gunna laugh at some parts."

"No I won't." He said.

"Trust me, you will. Humor was my only way out of this deep depression."

"We'll see."

And then he began.

"Red anger burning inside your core. There is no way for it to escape. No way for it to stop! It's a shaking pain that's headed towards infinity. It burns everything around it and grows bigger and bigger, over powering your every inch. Head to toe. It's like a sharp burning knife is stabbing your inner self and twists inside of you and you just feel like screaming and punching the hell out of something until it bleeds but it never will therefore it never goes away. The pain just increases, getting worse and worse and it won't leave. So how do you ever overcome it? You don't, you just live with a sharp shooting pain forever. Infinity." He recited. "I'm sorry." His eyes looked sincere.

"Happens to the best of us." I said, trying to sound optimistic. "Go head, continue."

"One day you feel free, and that you can enjoy, then a hot blue rage comes back, and all it does is destroy. Blue is the colour of sad, but it's the hottest fire alive, the worst pain of all, hurt is what it must strive. Puddles of pain fill up in your eyes, flooding your whole body yet continues to rise...." He read. "That's it?"

"I never got a chance to finish it. I will someday, but not today."

"Okay. Next?"

"Next." I agreed. "The next one I wrote when I found out she was sick."

"So what was the other stuff?"

"That's when I also found out she was sick."

"Oh, okay." Then he read, "Angela, I love you. I really hope you feel better and I'm so sorry you're in the hospital. I wanna say thank you though. Thank you for tutoring me, improving my English marks and always being there for me as a tutor, and as a best friend. You will be in my heart forever but I know you will recover, you have to recover because you own a huge part of my life and I can't imagine a place and life where you don't exist. I love all the moments we've shared from the cookies you baked me during lessons to the humor for reading my work. Angela, I love you so much and I just want to say thank you. I will love you always, Bella."

I could feel the tears trying to pop out of my eyes but we weren't done yet and there was no way we were finishing now.

"Just keep reading," I informed him. "Don't stop and confirm, just go but before you do that, this is my head you're about to read. This was me when I ignored people and how I felt when they turned on me."

He nodded. "I have nothing to say - not a word, not a peep, not a sound. There is nothing I can think of to speak. My thoughts are tangled in a web deep in my head and there is no way to fish for them. Nothing confidential there and nothing important yet I have nothing to say. Nothing seems significant or worth saying. Nothing I want to say but at the same time, so many things I could. I have nothing to say therefore, I am a mental mute." He paused then continued. "I wondered how long it would take before anyone realized I'd stopped talking. I just sat next to Alice with Emmett in front of me. Alice was working on a new design for her clothing line she wants to open and Em was doing g-d knows what." He chuckled at that part. "I just figured, why don't I become a mental mute for real? It's not like anyone wanted to hear my voice so why bother? Anyone would backfire what I'd say so why bother?! I wasn't going to. How long would it take for them to realize I'd stopped talking?"

"She's died."

"Hmm?"

"The next part you are going to read, she'd dead. She is gone! Fucking forever!" I jerked and I couldn't help but cry and he moved over to sit next to me on the bed and pulled me into his arms.

"Everything is going to be okay."

"How do you know?"

"Because, if it's not okay, it's not the end."