FREAKIN GENSOKYO

by SKOOLATOON

A blatant self-insert wound up in Gensokyo because reasons. Now, armed with only mediocre wit, and mundane tools, he must find the means to not get completely destroyed by the friendly locals! In doing so, he winds up involved in strangely unfitting incidents because I'm bad at writing fanfiction! If you're here you're probably bored anyway, so why not stop by for the fluffmania?

7. Mansions upon Mansions upon Mansions!

(in which fluffles get feisty)

Ahhh… pain. I've been becoming a little bit too familiar with pain as of late!

"I think he's up…" It's Alice! Hello, Alice!

"I think he pushed himself a little too hard, ze…" Marisa's voice was heard, aswell.

I sat up immediately, lightheaded and dizzy. "Woohohoaaahh…"

I was seated in a bed, apparently. I looked around to see the tidy innards of a house… apparently I was not in Marisa's house, then!

Alice puts a hand on my chest. "Stay still, you. You're not in much condition to be leaping around like a maniac."

I let my balance sort itself out as I sat, and leaned against the back post. "What happened when I went out, exactly?"

Marisa chuckled. "Well, I kinda went to town on the place, ze…"

Alice sighed. "You're lucky I came when I did, or you would have destroyed half the forest for that single sack of books."

Marisa gave a sheepish grin. "Hey, I don't let just anyone make off with my stuff, ze!"

I raise a hand weakly. "Except for me!"

Marisa glares at me. "Shut up, you, or I might just leave you to the fluffles."

I put my hands up in faux-terror. "Oooh, fluffles, they're so scary!"

Alice brought a book to the top of Marisa's head. "Quit antagonizing the guest. He seemed to contribute to the siege, anyway."

Marisa rubbed her hat. "Ooow, ze... "

Turning to me, Alice began explaining things. "You went down from mana depletion, because you've got a small maximum mana pool."

I shrug. I knew that already… "Say, anyone here got any mana potions?"

Alice sighs. "You can't just rely on those, you know. Besides, commercial potions like those aren't typically good for you, in any case. Who sold them to you, anyhow?"

I look to Marisa. "A certain Kirisame magic shop in the human village sold me health and mana potions!"

Marisa's eyes widened. "Eeeh!? Someone actually went there? My dad's still running that old business?"

I nod. "Apparently. I originally bought the stuff just for that one incident, but I never used the mana potions so I decided to make some use of the investment." The stuff didn't taste like it was good for me, that was for sure!

Alice nodded. "Make sure you only use such things for dire endeavors. If I recall correctly, those kinds of things come back up later. How long was it when you ingested one of the potions, anyhow?"

I felt my stomach lurch. "...Too long ago?" I smiled sheepishly.

Marisa blanched. "He's gonna blow, ze!"

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

What color was red and blue supposed to make again…? I don't think neon lime green was the right color for my vomit…

"Don't go chugging potions like some make-believe hero, alright? The stories always omitted the cleanup afterwards, ze!" Marisa chastised me, as I stood in a new pair of clothes Alice made for me in the meantime. Also, the bed had new everythings.

My clothes were hastily made by a frustrated Alice, so they were relatively the same as before, except in camouflage like I requested! I always felt more badass in camo, for some reason...

I stretched. "My stomach is in dire need of sustenance! Plant hanger wielder needs waffles badly!" I called out. Considering all I've had to eat have been cardboard waffles and chicken-nugget molotovs for the most part, uh…

"Shush, you." Alice levitated a plate of waffles in- and not the cardboard kind, either!

"Actual waffles!" I stacked the waffles and ate them like a sandwich, ignoring the dripping syrup and butter.

As I did this, I walked to the central table in Alice's main room with Marisa. We sat down, and glasses of water were provided for us. Alice eventually sat down herself, a plate of waffles for herself placed infront of her.

Huh, regular water… if only I was some kind of lunatic who carried kool-aid canisters to school, then I would have ended up in Gensokyo with them, carried them around for like a week with nothing to use them on, and then been able to utilize this exact moment to bask in the diabetes-inducing goodness that was kool-aid… this was all my fault!

I finished off my waffles with good time to spare compared to everyone else, considering I was eating like a freakin' maniac.

"...Say, Alice… do you have any tissues around?" My hands were drenched in butter and syrup!

"...Try to be atleast a tad civil, you…" A Shanghai doll floated up holding a box of tissues.

I grab a few. "Thanks, yo." I wiped my hands loosely of the fluids, and then downed my water. It'd have to do…

Note to self: find a way to get kool-aid into Gensokyo. This was an issue of utmost importance!

I stood up. "So, them fluffles…"

Marisa grinned. "Nothing's left but a pile of charred wood, ze."

I nod. "Good. Last thing we need is to let the fluffocalypse happen before our very eyes." The world was saved from the fluffy menace!

I turned to walk out the door, but paused. "...Say, uh…" I turned around. "Do you happen to know where all those wooden forts on wheels went?"

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

Reimu boredly sat, with her legs crossed, atop a pile of wood bits, palisade logs, wooden platforms, fluffle gibs, and dust. Behind her, a few more forts were seen exploding into rains of fluffy parts and wood as yin-yang orbs whirled left and right.

"...'I'm friendly', my ass! Fuck fluffles!" Reimu roared from atop the pile, her arms slamming down on her knees.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

"...I've got no idea, ze…" Marisa scratched the back of her head. "I'm sure the local youkai will take care of 'em."

I shrug. "Not my problem anymore, in any case! I've got to go see if that shopkeeper will give me a discount for vanquishing the fluffy menace…"

I turn and leave out the door, the two magi behind me still enjoying their morning waffles.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

"...And that was how I saved the entire forest from the fluffle empire!" I finished.

Rinnosuke stared at me incredulously. "Ah… I'll ask Marisa about it later, I suppose…"

My face dropped. "Alright, I passed out from magic exhaustion and Marisa finished the job. You happy?"

He nodded happily. "That sounds more believable. What are you here for, anyway? I don't think you came back just to tell me that story."

I kinda did, expecting you to give me a discount or something, but whatever… "Do you know what kool-aid is?" I ask. Might aswell!

"...Cool aid? What exactly is that?" Rinnosuke furrowed his brows.

"Well…" This is a stretch, but… "Colored canisters with uh… Words! English words, and a big mean fat guy in a glass thing on the front…"

Rinnosuke's eyes widen. "Oh, those? Those are important fuel cells, I'll have you know!"

Those are who what now.

"Say that again?" I stare at him incredulously.

"Those canisters are supposed to contain a common but useful, and vastly powerful energy source from the outside world! I can't just give such valuable research material to someone such as yourself… no offense, I mean, you're just a customer and all…" Rinnosuke explains.

I stare at him blankly. "How much you want for 'em?"

Rinnosuke doesn't bat an eye. "Fifty thousand yen per canister."

"...I'll have you know I'm from the outside world, and those are just common energy drink solvents." I try explaining.

"Nice try." Rinnosuke's not buying it though!

"You know what? I'll find another way to get them, and when I do, I'll be rubbing the sweet taste of kool-aid in your shopkeeper face!" I mock him, before proceeding to the exit.

"Hahah… you do that. Have a good one, you hear?" he calls out to me.

"Oh, you too." I offhandedly reply, leaving the store.

I stepped outside, and looked around at the day. Noon already? How long was I out for?

I proceeded to the path to the Hakurei shrine, only to find numerous smashed forts on my way here. It ain't easy bein' fluffy I guess, yo…

I eventually came to the shrine, opting to walk up the really freakin' steep hill- more like "climbed up on all fours" by this point- instead of take the stairs. That is because the stairs were literally blocked by a smouldering mountain of wood pieces and fluffle giblets. I didn't wanna know.

I came up to the shrine, and walked in.

Reimu sat at the kotatsu, upper torso and arms tirely sprawled out over it. She appeared to be sleeping!

I walked out onto the shrine grounds, walked down the steps, and found a fluffle's disembodied fin lying in the pile, and found another fluffle's shell nose. I walked back up to the shrine and in.

I walked up to Reimu, placed the fin softly on her head, and then placed the shell nose lightly infront of her face.

"Sleep tightly, friend…" I giggled like a maniac, and then walked into Suika.

"Heya!" Suika picked me up by the collar.

"...Where's my booze, ah?" she said, before taking another chug of her gourd.

Oh, right. Well, I had the money, anyway. "Ah, that. I forgot, but don't worry, you can go with me to get some! Actually…"

I outright handed her the rest of my yen- it was like four thousand anyway, if I remember correctly. "Have the money to do it with. Go nuts."

She looks into the bag, satisfied. "Aight… See ya round." Suika walks off in a vague direction. I don't think that's where the human village is, but uh…

I hear Reimu stir. She put a hand atop her head, and took the fin off her hair.

"What the fuck…" Reimu tossed it across the room.

I don't know why, but that endlessly amused me for some reason.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

"Are you here just to pester me, or what?" Reimu asked, fully awake.

I nod. "Exactly. I'm here to be freakin' stupid all day."

Reimu scowls. "I've had enough stupidity for one day…"

I look to the door, remembering the pile of carnage outside. "Ah, right. I was here to tell you about how the fluffles were starting an uprising in the forest of magic, but uhhh…"

Reimu folded her arms. "They were starting an uprising, that's for sure. One that I had to single-handedly put to a screeching halt."

I raised my hands. "Yo, you may have stopped the mighty fort legion, but me and Marisa had to own the means of production, as it were."

Reimu tilts her head. "By that, you mean…?"

I elaborate. "The fluffles constructed a sprawling fortress in the forest of magic that operated alot like a town, and it made those mobile forts like clockwork. The buggers work like little gremlins, they do."

Reimu sighs. "Of course they would. Fucking fluffles…"

I smile. "Don't worry, though! Me and Marisa destroyed it in an epic siege! Rumia was there too, she helped."

Reimu doesn't seem any happier though. "If they're as productive as you say, who's to say they won't just erect another fortress elsewhere?"

...I hadn't thought about that. Oh, shit.

"...One of these days, we need to properly handle those fluffles…" I stand up, stretching my arms. "By the way, do you know what kool-aid is?"

Reimu shakes her head. "No. I don't want to know, either. If we're done here, can you go away? I need more sleep… and I don't want some idiot putting fluffle fins on my head while I sleep, either!"

I chuckle. "But Reimu..." I pause for effect.

"...Wh-"

"Fluffle fins are sniffable." I give her a shit-eating grin.

"...I'll give you to the count of ten. If you're not out of here in ten seconds… I don't even know. Words cannot describe what I'm going to do to you!" Reimu stood up menacingly...

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

Yin-yang orbs flowed out of the house like water, if water were made of bullets and pain. Luckily I had opted to run outside and roll down the hill instead of stick around.

I pulled out my yin-yang flail, and quickly moved to spin it up. "C'mon… spin faster! Spin the flail quickly to not die as fast!"

I took off from the floor, and gently floated into the sky.

Reimu was staring at me taking off from the side of the shrine's hill. She shook her arm and yelled presumed obscenities at me from the shrine grounds, but I was far enough away to not hear them.

I waved to her, and she just receded back into her shrine, too tired to follow me and destroy me.

I dunno whether to be amused or anxious about it, but I was quite pleased overall!

I touched down around the side of the Misty Lake, not feeling like flying around until my arms gave out and dropped me to my death. That'd hurt, I think. I dunno, I'll have to try it sometime.

"...Did you hear about him, Dai-chan?" I heard Cirno nearby. I looked ahead to see Cirno and her friends walking along the lakeside.

"N-no… that sounds horrible!" Daiyousei's hand were to her chin, her eyes wide.

"Would he be tasty?" Rumia asked, smiling widely.

"What do you think!?" Wriggle snapped back, jittering in apparent fear.

"But don't worry, guys! Dey say if you reach the shrine or the manor gate, his power ends!" Cirno elaborates, swinging a flat hand as if to emphasize the severing of a bond.

"That's a relief…" Daiyousei wipes her head.

"T-that's not very many places!" Wriggle was still panicking. "W-what if he's stronger than the shrine maiden!?"

I walk up to them. "Yo ho ho! Whatcha talkin' about?"

Rumia turns to me. "Oh, hello action friend! Are there more things to kill?"

I shake my head. "Not for now, friend, but I will call on your help when I need it most!"

Rumia smiles. "Yay!"

Cirno looks at me. "Hey! Yer strong, have you ever fought the Headless Horseman?"

I remember them in Terraria, atleast. Ten thousand HP and freakin' insano fast… I think alot of things in Gensokyo'd not like one of those. That, and they were freakin' aggro all the time. I don't think that wins many compliments at flower viewing parties, going around lopping people's heads off and all.

"Nah, but I heard of him... an' my dad knows 'em! He's a fookin' stupid!" I provide.

"How'd you survive?" Cirno looks at me in awe, as if I said I did infact meet him and combat him.

I put my hands up. "I just said I heard of him, yo. I've never fought him!"

"Aawww…" Cirno slouches. "Dey say he goes jogging across the lake, holding his head in his hand! He'll cut off anyone's head to try it on!"

Daiyousei and Wriggle were intimidated again.

"Eye saw him, too! Eye saw him just a night ago!" That so, huh?

"Let me guess, did you make for the Hakurei shrine and his power ended?" I smirked. I knew how that song went!

"Nope. Eye shot danmaku at him, and he lopped my head clean off. It hurt!" Cirno smiled.

Ah. "Sounds like you had fun."

"He's really strong! Stronger than you, I bet!" Cirno put her hands to her hips. "But Eye'm stronger!"

"He literally beheaded you." I deadpanned.

"But Eye can get better! Eye bet he can't!" Cirno smirked. "If Eye throw myself at him until the end of time, Eye have to win eventually! The law of… proh-bah-...billy? Probabilly says so!" Cirno posed cockily.

"It's 'probability'..." Daiyousei muttered, correcting Cirno.

"Probabilly!" Cirno didn't bat an eye.

"Fine…" Daiyousei sighed.

"I know Cirno, you're probably a hillbilly. You don't need to tell us, we already know…" I state it plainly and bluntly as if I was stating a commonly known fact, but I was struggling to not laugh.

"...Yeah! What he said!" Cirno smiled. "What's a hilly billy?"

I couldn't take it anymore! I burst out laughing.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

I came to the gate of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, the sun beginning to set. Wow, I literally did like nothing for the entire second half of my day except for hear some silly story from that ice fairy…

I'm pretty sure the Headless Horseman, a melee only entity, wouldn't live very long in Gensokyo.

I reached the gate, but Meiling wasn't there; she was sleeping on the inside of the gate instead, apparently. A piece of paper was hung up on the wall instead.

"Gatekeeper relocated to safer post for the night. Please bang on the gate for service. - Sakuya."

The fluffle's stand was still there. I approached it, but the fluffle shook his head.

"i have to go friend, it's not safe for me out here at night anymore" it frowned. These things could frown?

"Wait, what do you mean?" I ask it.

"when the leaves fall, so will you, friend. goodbye!" The fluffle's stand started taking off.

"...What the hell's that supposed to mean!?" I yell at the stand as it takes off.

I bang on the gate, but nobody answers. I pull out Swift Brand, and smash it into the gate, but nothing happens.

"...Well, shieut. Guess I'll go see if I can crash at Kaguya's again or something." It was the night before the day I was supposed to be there, too! Couldn't they just let me in? Yo ho ho...

The sun finally begins to set. Leaves blow past me as a wayward breeze flows by me. I begin spinning the yin-yang flail, and take off into the skies.

I float across the sky, gazing down at the lake. It's a little darker than usual… is it becoming overcast? That's disappointing!... but on the upside, if it rains, then Gensokyo will get some much needed water after that last incident!

Suddenly, I convulse in pain as a danmaku bullet strikes me from parts unknown. "Aauugh, holy shit!"

I look around wildly, and then I swing on the rope to the side briefly. A jack-o-lantern bullet soars past me, and starts to turn. I rebound from the swing, and another jack-o-lantern bullet soars into the spinning part of the flail, getting destroyed.

"Halloween wants me dead! Holy shit! The fuck'd I do to Halloween!?" I yell into the sky.

I look down, and see a shady, fast figure making its way across the lakeside. It dips into the water, and sinks below the waves of the lake before more jack-o-lantern bullets soared from the water. The figure was leaping out of the water, only to fall back in. I don't think it minded the cold, though…

I reached into my sack, and pulled out the operating cross. "Hope I have enough mana for this!"

I summon London, who's at my side. The bullets home onto it and strike it, but London only lightly convulses, not feeling pain.

"London, pursuit mode or whatever!" I pointed the cross to the figure below.

I dodge the rebounding jack-o-lantern bullet, and it ends up in the spinning part like the other one and gets destroyed. London descends to the earth below, face-tanking the few oncoming bullets.

"Holy shit, calm your tits, Halloween! I'll hand out more candy next year, just don't freakin' kill me!"

I passed the Hakurei shrine on my way towards the bamboo forest, and the figure stopped, and turned around, heading for the lake. London neared it, but it whirled around, and with one clean swipe of a bright orange blade, London fell to the floor. The operating cross flickered out.

"Oh, dayum. Sorry, London!" I shout, even though no one will hear me. Was that figure…?

====NEW INCIDENT: THE HEADLESS HORSEMAN'S HORRIBLE HUNTING====

Well, now I'm out at night. Terrible things come out at night, so says everything ever! This is gonna suck!

My arms get tired and I opt to land outside the human village. Hopefully they've got night guards!... actually, why wouldn't they? It'd be kinda stupid if they didn't… but I already knew they were a little more than just 'kinda' stupid...

I land on the path outside. There's no fluffle stand where it usually is, and I don't trust the bamboo forest at 8 PM at night-ish if the light says anything, so I quickly make for the village.

...But not before being sighted by a youkai! It was just some night fairy, though…

"Hey, you! Human!" She flew up to me. She didn't look like anything special.

"Hey, you! Fairy!" I yelled back.

"Don't get wise with me! Let's play!" She begins shooting basic streams of danmaku. I walk out of the way; she's flying so I can't really hit her, even with a double jump… and I spent London earlier on that mysterious shady figure…

I settle with just tap dancing my way to the village, until an arrow flies past me and impales the fairy.

"Aaaugh!" She spirals to the earth, before exploding into magic on impact. Was that really necessary? Well, rest in pieces, I suppose.

"You! Kid! Youkai or human?" A gruff man from ahead calls out to me. In the darkness, I can see they're holding torches and some are bowmen, others swordsmen.

"I was getting assaulted by a fairy! What'd'you think!?" I yelled back.

One of the archers laughed. "He's got a point, Russell."

The gruff man with a sword in the front turned to the archer. "Shut the fuck up, George. You got demoted the other day for letting that youkai in."

"Eheh…" George scratched the back of his head.

"If you ask, I was lost. I was trying to find my lost hoe, and it got away from me so I had to come here to find it." I explained. Yeah, my hoe escaped. It was sentient, or something. I bet these guys'd buy it anyway.

Russell grunted. "We'll find your hoe for you, don't you worry." Case in point.

George looked to me. "Where'd she go, anyway?"

Russell turned around and punched George across the face. "Oh- fuck! Shit!" George walked around, feeling his jaw.

"He was talking about the tool, dumbass! Do you think someone of his age'd have a hoe!?" Russell shouted at George.

"I don't fucking know, Russell! You tell me! What about the captain's son!?" George shouted back.

"What about the fucking captain's son!? Why I oughta…" Russell dropped his sword and George dropped his bow. They neared eachother for fisticuffs, when the captain himself came up on a horse from behind them.

"What was this about my son?" He glared down, expressionless.

George gulped. "We-we were just talking about what a kind, loving boy he was…" George picked up his bow and gave it to Russell.

"Y-yeah, he uh… was a great man, and uhm… a dumb- Ow!" George stomped on his shoe. "I mean… A guy so good that it was almost dumb, yeah!" Russell picked up his sword, and punched George on the shoulder before giving it to him.

"Sounds about right." The captain's horse trotted ahead. "Tonight, we kill that youkai, and it will be upon this night that we declare independency from the Hakurei shrine! No more will she hold a stake in this village, where we ourselves are more than capable of hunting youkai!" he shouted, raising his decorated blade into the air.

"Hoorah!" the other men shouted.

"Hoorah?" I gave a delayed shout, trying not to seem out of place.

We continued forward wordlessly for a few moments, and then the men started talking. I looked to Russell. "Who are we hunting, again?"

"Some youkai on a horse. He went around the other night beheading villagers who were doing some nightly work, even the guards that were with them. We're going around behind the shrine and then going up to the lake, but I'm sure he's just some fairy tale anyway. Anything coulda beheaded the lot, all it'd take is some youkai who's got a thing for it. They wouldn't even need to be powerful!" Russell ranted.

George looked over. "I dunno, Russell. What if he's real? The survivors reported he like, shrugged off everything they threw at him…"

Russell groaned. "George, they shot a single, fucking, arrow. Do you know any youkai who die to a single arrow?"

George winced. "Well, you know, I dunno! Ever since the spellcard rules-"

"Fuck the spellcard rules!" Russell shouted. "When we're successful tonight, for all we care that stupid miko might aswell not exist!"

Ah, I see. Ballsy villagers! I don't think I wanted to be with these guys when they met this supposed horseman…

"Hey, guys, I think I'm just gonna head back to the village… I can find my hoe some other night…" I tell them. I don't think they batted an eye at my camouflage compared to my blue outfit. I wonder why… perhaps because my browns were similar to their browns? I dunno…

"Alright kid, don't get raped by a fairy on your way back." Russell mumbled back in reply.

I started walking in the opposite direction as the group departed from the trail, beginning to go on a path that I could tell would infact head around behind the shrine and to the lake.

I look around cautiously, but I admire the night at the same time. All those stars in the sky… Gensokyo's nights sure are pretty, aren't th-

"Aaaahhhh!" I heard a yell from over here, and I whirled around.

A dark shade was next to the group. I spotted that George guy running, he had dropped his bow and fled the scene. I saw the horse of the captain run off, unattended.

I began sprinting towards the village, on the path. I passed the point where the fluffle would normally be again; it shouldn't be too far from here to the village! It was downhill-ish anyway!

Clip, clop, clip, clop…

I didn't look back, hearing these sounds resound behind me. Was he already done with the group back there!? I reached into my sack, and pulled out a health potion. I wasn't going to drink it, though…

Clip, clop, clip, clop!

I looked behind- holy SHIT

I tossed the potion behind me, but it did nothing. That trick worked on Marisa, though!

Swoosh!

I felt the heat of a bright orange blade skim my shirt. I ducked down and let the horse pass me, and the blade missed me a second time. I pulled out the operating cross- this wasn't the time for worrying about mana!

Filling it with magic, London came back! "Yo, orbital asshole mode! Quickly!" I smashed my hand on the cross's diamond as it turned blue and London orbited me.

The Headless Horseman was charging towards me at full speed. London's danmaku pinged it, but it didn't slow down at all, the red eyes of its horse shining brightly in the night time shade.

It swung at London but came short, not swinging against the rotation. Good on you, lad!

I started dashing- I was nearly at the village walls!

A guard saw me, and double-took.

I waved a hand. "Halp! Friends! I've encountered a mohohonster!" I shouted. I heard swooshing- the operating cross flickered out. Rest in pieces, London! Sorry about getting you beheaded twice in one day!

The substitute guard shot an arrow behind me.

Tink!

I heard it crash against the Horseman's armor, but it didn't do anything.

I dodged to the side that didn't have the Horseman's sword, but he stopped in a dime. I pulled out a random plant hanger- Hydraulic, apparently, and double jumped up onto the Horseman's horse's toosh.

He whirled around trying to find me, but I readied myself to slam the hanger into his head…

...actually he doesn't have a head I kinda forgot that part. Perish the previous strategy, then! I leap off the horse and towards the gate, and run inside, the guard behind me following. The gate shuts quickly as he turns the lever feverishly, a metal grate coming down.

Well… atleast that's over…

The Headless Horseman stood at the gate, it's horse digging at the dirt under it. If he had a head that wasn't a jack-o-lantern in his hands, it'd be glaring at me!

I put my hands to my ears and stuck out my tongue. "Halloween's not for another twenty days at the least, jackass!"

The horseman swung its sword, and the grate fell apart, sliced unevenly in two.

Oh… shit.

I broke into a sprint, along with the guard behind me. I ran towards a building as I heard the grate get smashed behind me, the horseman infiltrating the village.

"No! No, no- Huaaaa-" Swoosh.

He was probably like a day from retirement, too! I almost feel guilty about that one!

The horseman angrily swung his sword, seeing me in an alleyway he couldn't reach. Jack-O-Lantern danmaku homed in on me, and I dashed furiously away, quickly rounding a corner to evade the barrage

"Well, this is quite a predicament…" I pulled out the holy hanger- I don't even know what it did! I need a fluffle to give me an appraisal. I can't believe I just thought that sentence. I put away the holy hanger.

The neighing of the horse was heard. I heard a thud from atop the roofs, and jack-o-lantern danmaku rained down from the roof edges of the adjacent buildings to the alley I was in.

"Jesus fuck!" I yell, before dashing into the building to my left, through the backdoor.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

I was behind the desk of an inn! I leaped over the desk, the man at it glaring at me.

"Where'd you come from? You can't just enter from this time of night, especially from the employee door!"

I look at him. "Well, too bad!"

"Too bad? C'mere kid, I'll show you something that's too bad!"

I dashed out of the inn into an open street, passing a girl in a red coat.

"Hey, you." I grabbed her shoulder. "The british are coming! The british are coming!"

She jerks her head back, eyes wide. "W-what!?"

I push her into the inn as I hear a powerful thud behind me, the Headless Horseman attempting to crush us by leaping off the rooftop.

"The fuck are you doing, kid?" The inn keeper approached me again, cracking his knuckles.

"Honestly, shut up already. I dunno what I'm doing!" I take out my Swift Brand, and clock him across the face. He sprawls to the floor.

"Fuaaagh!" he yells out. "Damn it… kid…" he shouts in a strained voice.

"Not my fault, yo!" Even if it was!

I look to the girl. "You hear that noise outside?" I go quiet.

The neighing of a horse is heard. I look out the door, and it impatiently trots in place.

"...That's probably not good." the red-coated girl says, sighing.

"Nah, that's really good. This is the best case scenario. The good ending is when I get my head lopped off." I reply, grinning.

"Oh, is it? Let me get it, then." She walks towards the door.

"Uhm, are you-" I begin, but she walks out of the door before I finish.

Swish!

Her head toppled to the floor, her body slowly collapsing to the floor. Interestingly, there was no blood, though.

The horseman's horse raises onto its hind legs, neighing loudly, before landing back on all fours and running towards the village square.

I look outside, wordlessly staring at the girl's body and head.

I smile nervously. "...If this is what the whole village is like… jesus fuck, we are dead men!" I shudder.

Her body gets up, and she picks up her head, promptly placing it back upon her head.

"That was unique." she provides, entering the inn again.

I raise a brow. "I see you got better." I reached behind the inn's counter and put my hand underneath, randomly feeling around. I tipped over multiple bottles of what I assumed were alcohols and wines, before grasping an empty wine glass.

"Have a welcome-back present." I gave her the empty wine glass, and I heard the last of the bottles I tipped smash into the floor. The innkeeper could always buy more…

"God, fuck! Kid!...you...aaagh!" The innkeeper was still writhing in pain on the floor. I hit him in the face, not the back! Why was he having back pain!?

I scowl at him. "Don't be such a baby! Wine bottles grow back!..." I turn to the red-coated girl and hand her the wine-glass. "...no they don't." I whispered to her.

She stared at it, and took it. "Thank you." She proceeded to walk over to the counter, and tossed it behind it, breaking it aswell.

"We should probably get out of here before that guy gets better." I point to the writhing innkeeper.

"We should." the girl in red replies. We escape out the back door, into the alley.

The moon hung high in the sky, the overcast clearing. It wasn't full, though- just a crescent.

I looked to her. "You have a place we could crash or what?"

She nodded. "Yeah. It's not too far from here actually."

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

We sit in the humble little abode, the wind blowing outside and causing the wood to creak.

"I'm going to bed, getting my head lopped off was a tiring experience and all." she stated.

"What's yer name, anyway?" I ask.

"Sekibanki." She enters her room and closes the door. I think I read some fanfiction about her once!

I was left to some wooden tables… guess I'll be taking the floor as usual.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

I awaken to a stiff back! Oh no!

"...I gotta stop waking up like this…" I clamber to my feet, and look around. I open the door to Sekibanki's room, but there's no one there.

I decide to just leave the place, and walk outside. Villagers were scrambling about feverishly and panickedly.

I saw Keine, and she turned to me. "What did you do!?"

I rose my hands. "What!? Who!?"

She ran up to me, lifted me, and slammed me into the wall of the house I just emerged from.

"I know it was you the other night! Twenty villagers! Twenty villagers! You fucking psychopath!" Keine raises a fist, and I jerk my head to the side, the fist colliding with the wall behind me. Keine wasn't deterred however, and continued trying until I rose my arms to fight off the strikes.

"Why do you think it was me!?" I shouted back, fending off her fist.

"Why the hell else would you be here from some random building? You obviously infiltrated the village last night and went on a killing spree!"

I sigh, struggling to hold her fist in place. "Let me guess, headless asshole going around head hunting? Yeah, I was running from him, too."

"Headless…?" Keine drops me to the floor. "Explain. Now. He just so happens to sound like a youkai from the other day."

I stand up. "The Headless Horseman, terror around Halloween and superstition told to scare kids. Apparently real here, though."

She raises a brow. "Halloween?"

I shrug. "Ask someone else, they could explain it better."

I'm held up by the collar again. "No, you're explaining it."

"Eheh… I guess I'll try…" I hated summarizing these things!

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

"...That's a complete lie, and we both know it." Keine says, glaring at me.

"Then you can go give me a super-F or something, 'cause it's the truth." I tell her.

"Who would openly mock youkai at such a time of year? I know the outside world is different, but not insane." she demands.

"...Look," I raise my hands to do the gesturing things! "The outside world has nearly zero youkai. We see them as works of fiction. It's different here." I say, shaking my hands.

"How would you know… youkai?" She folds her arms and smirks.

"Oh, for fucks sake!" I take out my yin-yang flail. "So long, teach! Hope you find out how far that ruler's stuck up your ass, and then find out when it got stuck there. That'd be one for the history books, wouldn't it?"

Note to self, never visit village again for the next fifty million years. Especially not on full moons.

I spin it up and Keine is both unable to approach and unwilling to use danmaku with so many human bystanders around. "You… you did kill all those people, didn't you?" Keine glares at me.

"Whatever floats your boat! I'm leaving! Goodbye, tata, fock yoo!" I start hovering away…

"You're not getting away from me!" Keine floats up after me, trailing me. This could be a problem!

Since I was fully rested, I think I could summon London, again.

"London! I need your guards with the funny hats!" London appears before me, and I set her to orbital defense mode. She circles me, firing at Keine and forcing her to relent and keep the danmaku from striking the villagers.

I successfully escape the village in this way, probably not all that trusted by the villagers at this point! Not that I care anymore, either! I hover out towards the Hakurei shrine, and I continue all the way towards the gate of the mansion. No more risking myself to the wilds down there, even if it's not night!

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

I touch down outside, and spot Meiling, who's actually awake!

"Ah, there you are. Today-" I cut her off,

"You know of any headless horsemen? 'Cause they suck!"

"Ahah… did you uh… happen to hear of one?" Meiling questioned awkwardly.

"Yeah. Got chased around half the bloody night. Woulda helped if you put a stepladder outside or something."

"Ahhh… sorry about that…" Meiling sheepishly scratched the back of her head. "Regardless, go in, go in!"

"...Alright, then." Meiling was a little more eager than she'd normally be. I wonder…

"Actually, no." I stop before I enter the gate.

"W-what?...Why!?" Meiling waves her arms franticly.

"I dunno. I'm just not feelin' it today… ehhh…" I stand idly between the inside and outside of the gate, looking around indecisively.

I get shoved inside, and the gate slams behind me. "Sorry about this!" She locks the gate from the outside. That solves that question!

"Huh…" I walk towards the mansion; I could use my flail to- nevermind I don't think my arms'd like that by this point…

I wouldn't either way- something seems to require my attention inside!

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: MANSIONVANIA====

I step inside, and the lights are out as the door closes behind me. I walk forward and the candles light up, rotating around the room, and once they're all lit, the chandelier lights up. Fancy!

"I wonder…" I look around…

From a door to my left, out come skeletons with shields and swords!

"Freakin' Skoolatoons!" I yell out, jumping back. I didn't know this mansion had skeleton warriors arising from their graves!

One of the skeletons slowly paced towards me, and swung a highly telegraphed attack. I struck it with Swift Brand, which I was able to draw quite quickly, and shattered it.

"Maybe you should put some meat on them there bones…" I said, the other skeleton approaching me. It swings its sword downward, allowing me to simply sidestep it and kick the skeleton, shattering it.

"Hey, a sword!" I pick it up and uh… a little heavy for my tastes. I'll stick with plant hangers, thank you very much. I drop the sword to the floor.

I pick up the shield, though. "Something to block attacks with! Not like I couldn't tank most of what I could bother defending against, anyway…"

I walk into the leftmost door, leading to the dining room. I just noticed this, but despite the doorway being on the ground floor, the dining room is on the second floor. Mansions are weird!

The dining room is absent of life aside from some fairy maids sitting idly at the table, ones I don't recognize. They float up into the air and shoot red danmaku towards me in straight lines.

"Hey, I know I've been gone for awhile, but that doesn't mean you can just up and kill me off here!" I put my shield to the test!... and it does indeed work well against frontal danma-

Crack!

...Scratch that, it's as brittle as plastic. Guess I don't have a shield anymore! I throw the metal shards up at a fairy maid, but she just shrugs them off due to my tosses sucking.

One floats down for some reason, allowing me to jump up and strike it with Swift Brand. The fairy arched back, and exploded into magical energy. I don't think I hit it hard enough to warrant that…

The others didn't react at all. What gives? Usually they'd get all upset a friend was destroyed! Come to think of it, these ones were all black-haired and their eyes were grey, faces expressionless. This was weird…

I ignored the other fairies; they seemed intent on attack but didn't bother to follow me.

The kitchen is fully lit as I enter it, but nothing's goin on inside. I open the fridge, and take out some chicken nuggets.

"This is the best time for this sort of thing!" I flip open the microwave, and pause. I hear some slow pacing…

I turn around, and a cloaked figure holding an old gardening scythe is seen proceeding towards me. Uhhhmm….

I take out Flame Dispenser. "Why don't you try a gun next time, pops?" I suggest, before channeling flames into the nozzle. I light the cloaked figure on fire, and the cloak burns to ashes shockingly quickly, nothing but the scythe remaining.

I take a kitchen knife, "You gave me the tools for this!" and began sawing away at the old, brittle wood. The scythe's blade came off, and I took out Flame Dispenser, and used the flames to lightly weld the blade onto Darker Than Dark.

"Yeeheehaaah!" I have made Sharper Than Darkness!

I hear pacing…

Standing up, I see another cloaked idiot.

"Look, buddy, if this didn't work the first time…" I held Sharper Than Darkness out; it didn't receive much for boosts 'cause I wasn't really all that hurt right now…

It swung its scythe really fast, but I wasn't really that close to it. I brought Sharper Than Darkness down on where its head should have been, cleaving the cloak in almost-half.

The cloak fell to the floor, and dissipated into smoke.

"I've gots me a feeling this is going to be a trend…" I plop the nuggets into the microwave and set it to high for two minutes.

I don't bother to listen for pacing, I turn around and see another asshat slowly approaching.

"Where the hell's the spawn for you?" I ask, taking out Quake Maker and smashing it, having no risk because I was totally out of range due to the size of the Quake Maker.

Ding!

I open the microwave, and put the nuggets on the counter, and start eating them. These taste pretty- it's another cloaked asshole!

Smash!... you know, they'd actually be intimidatin' if they weren't freakin' useless.

I finish the nuggets and leave the room, heading aimlessly into the hallways.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: MANSIONVANIA====

You know, I don't remember there being like fifty flights of stairs arbitrarily positioned in the hallways, lined with boomerang toting skeletons…

I opted not to climb the huge stairwell, and proceeded aimlessly through the fairy-filled halls. I could just swat the pseudo-fairy-maids out of the sky with my hammer since they couldn't fly that high- ceilings are a bitch, I'd take it.

I walk around until I come around to Remilia's throne room door. Heheey!

I opened it up, to find the vampire herself seated there.

I take out Swift Brand, and point it at Remilia. Cue the thumbnail! Wooohoo! If you were me, you could tell there was a mental fanfare going off in my head right now!

I stand in place, dancing and celebrating to myself, as Remilia stares at me curiously.

"...Boy!" She shouts, getting my attention.

I snap out of my dance crazy. "Who-what, oh yeah, you. Hi, Remilia!" I wave my hand.

"...Hi." Remilia floats up. "Do you know why you've been called back to my manor, boy?"

I scratch my chin. "...because the four day limit ran out?"

Remilia groaned. "No… I've summoned you here to demonstrate your prowess. It has come to my attention that, through the past week you've had in Gensokyo, you seem to have… made a name for yourself, atleast on a small scale."

I shrug. "What's that got to do with much?"

Remilia grins. "I want to test your power, boy. I will be atop the tallest spire this manor has to offer. Only with the right tools might you even find your way up there…"

To the left, behind some pillars were skeletons holding dual swords!

To the right, behind some pillars were fairies holding magus staves!

Remilia gives a good evil laugh. I've got a feeling she's hamming it up, though… "Hah hah hah…! Show me your strength!" Remilia floats up into the air.

I smirk, and pull out Quake Maker.

"I'll have you know, Remilia, that I ain't afraid of no quakes!"

I let the breath of the earth sigh into me, strength filling my muscles once more. I was a little woozy- I did have to summon London earlier, but…

I slammed Quake Maker down, all the combatants tumbling to the floor. Some skeletons were irreversibly broken, but the fairy maids began flying to counteract what I just did.

I spun around, finishing the last of the skeletons off. I picked up the swords, and using my enhanced strength, flung them at the fairy maids. I only successfully managed to hit like, one, after atleast five attempts though.

"Hmmm…" I looked to the chandelier above. Idea!

"Oh, if only they weren't all in the center of the room! That'd suck so hard!" I yell out.

Remilia grins. "Wish granted."

The fairies all congregated in the center, swirling in a tight cylindrical formation.

I looked up, and held Quake Maker like a spear. "How's this for a divine spear, Remilia?" I toss it up at the chandelier…

"Hah! That didn't even come close to-" ...Remilia realized I wasn't aiming for her.

The chandelier fell, crushing the cylinder of fairy maids outright, all of them exploding into magic.

"...Bah. I was expecting you to win that one, anyway…" Remilia tosses a bag of yen to the floor, and flies through an upper doorway.

I go to the bag, and pick it up. Ten thousand yen! Woohoo!... not like there's anything to buy in this mansion, anyway… unless some fluffles sneaked in!

I can't really reach the door Remilia flew into, so I fall back outside her throne room door. I run down the hallway, and I come to a hallway with windows. Looking outside…

====NEW INCIDENT: THE SCARLETVANIA ENDEAVOR====

...I don't think Reimu's going to be very happy about the mist, at any rate. It'd only be a matter of time before some incident resolvers showed up to kick some ass, I took it. Remilia had to be really bored to try this again…

...although this time her halls were filled with spooky scary skoolatoons! Hooohhh shit!

Speaking of, skeletons popped out!

"Holy fuck!" I shouted, flailing wildly with Quake Maker until they all were little bony bits on the floor.

"...fookin' too spooky for me…" I eyed the bits warily, and continued into the halls.

I eventually came to a series of double doors. It's the library!

I go to open the door. Locked. Fuck you, magical spell locks! I've got a Quake Maker!

I look to the fixed wallside, but… naaahhh… I've got a better idea…

I raise Quake Maker. "Feel my wrath, you fucking piece of shit door!"

Holding it like a battering ram, I ram the door.

Bam!...Bam!...Bam!...Boosh!

I race through the door, the magical enchantment overpowered by physical means. Take that, magic!

Skeletons!...they're intimidatin'.

I easily outrange them with Quake Maker, when…

PiZooom…. PiZooom…

I dodge out of the way of some danmaku lasers as magical circles of death and doom and all assortments of bad shit spawn from aside the bookshelves.

"Not the magic circles of pain!" I run down the book aisles, danmaku flying at me enmasse as I set off a shitton of magical traps.

PiZoom-Pizoom-PizPizPizPizoom!

"You there! Pre-oooh holy fuck what have you done!?" Koakuma shouts, and then starts fleeing from the danmaku barrage with me.

"Tell your mistress she's an asshole!" I yell, running from the horde of bullets behind me that were quickly catching up as more circles were erected around us.

Koakuma looks to me, and tries to tackle me. Not cool! I leap and leap again onto her back.

"Wagh!" She grunts, as she floats upward, I double jump again onto the top of some bookshelves.

Koakuma stops and whirls to me, but the danmaku storm catches up to her.

Pi~chun!

Koakuma was left lying on the ground, twitching.

"Brad: one, magi: zero." I quipped, leaping across the tops of bookshelves while I had the opportunity.

I was grazed by a danmaku laser! Where the hell didn't she put these goddam circles!?

"Pain!" I yelled, hitting the deck while grasping my arm. I arose slowly…

"Ah. There you are. I was expecting you to systematically go through my traps like a good game of Minesweeper, but…"

I stood up. "Yeah, well I played it like a good game of Touhou Six… and by that I mean I ran futily from more bullets than I could hope to dodge!"

Patchouli rose a brow. "I'm not even going to question what you mean by that. You say strange things sometimes."

I nod. "Yeah. That I do… that I do."

Patchouli had her tome float infront of her. "I'm going to have to defeat you now. Remi's orders. Sorry."

This could go well, or really shit!

"Say, before you do that, have any mana potions…?" I grin sheepishly.

"...No. None for you, at any rate." Patchouli doesn't bat an eye.

"..." I took off running, and dove back into the bookshelves. I had to find her study- she had to keep something there!

I heard Patchouli mutter her spell in the eerily quiet library, the only other noise the clapping of my running shoes on the floor. "Earth Sign, Rage Trilithon…"

I hear the tumbling of rocks fill the library- the Earth's might has come back to bite me in the ass for calling upon it all the time!

"Jesus fuck!" I yell out, dashing from the rocks tumbling down upon the shelves and behind me. They may have been danmaku, but those impacts… I could feel the vibrations! I think this would fucking hurt! Reimu, your card game's fuckin' lethal!

I weave through the shelves, but it doesn't help much as the rocks rain behind me.

"Running won't help you any…" I hear Patchouli's voice resonate through the library- probably a spell or something…

"At this rate, you'll be buried alive." Patchouli concludes. The rocks did dissipate over time, so it's not like I really would… but she probably meant I'd run out of stamina anyway.

I came across her study- it was bare of things, but it did have the desk…

I flipped it open, and finding some random colored potions, I dumped them all into my sack.

"What are you doing…?" Patchouli questioned, the rocks closing in.

I ran from the desk. Rocks bounced off the desk, but it seemed to be protected by anti-danmaku magic.

I took out the blue potion. "Hope this is mana!" I downed it…

Gulp… Gulp… I stopped drinking to keep running before stopping around a corner.

Gulp… Gulp…

I tossed the bottle, and kept running. Yeah, same crappy taste, this was mana.

Now that I had mana…

I pulled out the operating cross, and summoned London.

"Friend! Assassinate the squishy mage!" I pointed the cross at Patchouli, pressing the diamond, setting it to trailing mode.

London moved to engage Patchouli. As it did so, the rocks began to fall towards London instead of me. I took the opportunity to take out my yin-yang flail…

Patchouli focused on the doll, easily weaving through the spreads it fired. "Toys like this can't compare to my level of expertise, you know…"

I was now starting to hover into the air…

London started getting slammed by a few rocks. One of its arms flew off from an impact.

"Alice made this doll as a field test, not an asset in battle. Quite poor strategy from you, to expect such a weak construct to compare… perhaps I've overestimated you." Patchouli scanned the battlefield below as she dealt the finishing blow to London, who spiraled to the ground and exploded into doll parts.

I really needed Alice to outfit London with armor or something, at this rate. I can't afford to keep casting Revive on her every five seconds!

"...Where have you gone…?" Patchouli scanned the battlefield below, when…

Thud!

All the remaining rocks dissipated as I dropped onto Patchouli's shoulders, receiving an involuntary piggy back. I avoided hitting her with my anythings though, since yaknow, squishy magi…

"Agh! When did you get above me…?"

I shrugged. "I dunno. It just kinda happened I guess." I was bein' a real cheeky bastard!

Patchouli groaned. "Sure you did…"

Suddenly, a wave of magic flung me off. "Metal Sign… Metal Fatigue!"

I fell to the floor below, but the speed of which I fell accented the yin-yang flail's Vortex Hanger's swing detection abilities, so I fell… with style.

I still landed freakin' hard, but I didn't break my legs! Good on me!

I had no time to react as I was forced to get up and run, golden bullets raining down behind me.

"Patchouli is the magi with the golden gun!" I yelled, fleeing behind more bookshelves.

"This may not be as direct as my last attack, but…" Patchouli coughed for a moment. "...but you have no chance to approach me as is. Give up." She hovered overhead, golden bullets spiraling out and expanding- a demonstration of the malleability of gold. You alchemist, you…

Speaking of alchemy! I took out the purple potion.

"I wonder what this could be…" I then looked to a black potion. "Ahah… let's not drink that one just yet…" I stuffed that one into my sack, and then took out a yellow potion. "Hmm. Dunno what that'd do…"

I was still running around, but not nearly as much when faced against the rocks. Her golden spreads weren't aimed, and the spell was more defensive.

Couldn't I cast a fireball…? That's right, I did infact learn a singular fire spell earlier! Like, many days ago! Let's see if I could muster up the ol' magic fingers…

I stood below Patchouli, posing my hand.

"Have you decided upon the terms of surrender? Because we'll be going with mine when this is done." Patchouli said, gazing down at me boredly. "This is a stalemate, for all intents and purposes… and only because I'm going easy on you."

I lob a fireball upward, and Patchouli is struck.

"Ech!" She drops the spellcard- the gold dissipating- as she creates water orbs over herself to drench herself.

I really need a basic projectile. A single bullet, or something. That'd be so great! But nooo, I had to bring like twenty different melee weapons with me!

All I could do is stare as she put herself out, and sneezed. "Uuuu…" Patchouli groaned, looking at her dripping wet arms. "T-this works to my advantage, y-you realize…" She was shivering from the cold. What a moment to not have ice spells!

It was during these battles with someone truly capable of kicking my ass that I realize how few tools I have that would be immensely handy in these situations- it's like I'm playing an RPG where I meet a ton of enemies weak to ice and thunder but only have fire and earth or something.

This was one of those moments!

"W-water sign…Achoo!" Patchouli let out a little sneeze. Water Sign - Achoo, huh?...it's intimidatin'.

"Bless you!" I yelled up.

"T-thanks…" Patchouli coughed, and started again.

"W-water sign… Princess Undine!"

You're water, and I'm Earth!... I forget how that type difference worked in Pokemon! I don't even like Pokemans that much!

Something something I don't stick to you!... water and glue, was it? Earth and… and uh… fuck that shit!

In any case, I ran from some thin beams of ice as sweet christ on a bike that's a tidal wave!

I ran behind some bookshelves, only for the water to quickly catch up. Danmaku fucking water! What if I both literally and figuratively drowned in danmaku? Would that be the embodiment of a world of danmaku induced pain?

In any case, I made my way to Patchouli's study again. That wood desk was the only thing I could hope to use to get up…!

I hopped on it, and tried double jumping… and there was no way I'd get on a bookshelf. I'm screwed!

I climb into the desk, and shut the door. It was cramped! I felt waves lick against the side of it, before it was swept up completely by the danmaku water. A little bit leaked inside, and holy crap that hurt more than it should! Paahahaaain!

I sat in my soggy, pained state for a while, violent tosses flinging me around the library. Eventually the desk stopped. I slowly opened the door…

...I was on a bookshelf! Serves you right, miss 'I'm going to smash you until that desk breaks!'

"...Ah. Physics are a pain, sometimes…" Patchouli sighed. "Regardless, my ice beams will finish you."

Voosh!

I dodged more thin ice beams that came my way. I double jumped to an adjacent bookshelf, and I kept doing that for awhile. Patchouli constantly maintained a good distance from me, so as for nothing to surprise her. She lowered herself to the water's surface.

"I suppose… I'll have to flush you out."

The doors from all levels of floors and areas of the library flung open, and danmaku water flooded in. If I didn't act right now, I'd be in for a literal world of pain!

...But I knew exactly what to do… or atleast along the lines of what to do...

Okay, I didn't have a fucking clue, but I pulled out that one gardening table I used as an anchor for awhile for the yin-yang flail-o-copter when I couldn't control it as well as I could.

I pulled out my Flame Dispenser, and put it on the back. I took Quake Maker, and put it perpendicular to Flame Dispenser, which had its nozzle facing away from the center of the table. I took Swift Brand and put it at the back, its air device facing away. I took the yin-yang flail out, grabbed the panty rope, and loosely used it to secure the hangers onto the table.

"...This is my greatest creation yet…" I shed a single tear as my eyes ran across the almighty transportation device. "When this is over, I'm getting one of these made!"

I hop out, and take a picture with my 3DS.

"What are you doing…?" Patchouli squinted, staring at me.

"Getting daft with you, laddy, that's how it were!" I replied.

"...What?" Patchouli shook her head. "No matter. Good game." The water started to run onto the bookshelf…

I took out Sharper Than Darkness, and channeled all my remaining mana into Quake Maker, and then through that I funneled it all into Swift Brand and Flame Dispenser. I also had the Vortex Hanger aiding me since it was on the yin-yang ball sorta via ropes, and the yin-yang ball itself seemed to have strong momentum properties.

Air and wind, accented by a blast of flames, shot across the bookshelf, and my device flew forward.

"I only purchase propane and propane accessories!" I yelled out, Sharper Than Darkness's flat side held offensively.

Patchouli was still along the surface of the water, her eyes now in her tome, assuming I had failed. "Yes, yes, yes. Go to sleep, already…"

The hiss of my craft sailing across the painful sea became evident. Patchouli slowly lifted her tired gaze…

Boomf.

Instead of striking her, I had a better idea! I grabbed Patchouli bridal-style as I collided with her.

"Hello, friend." I said to her, my hair blowing back behind me as I held her. I took this moment to look around and admire the atmosphere of the flooded library- the glowing water giving a serene yet oppressive feeling… and also pressure! The place was still flooding!

"Oh, yeah." I slapped Patchouli forcefully, causing the water to dissipate. We fell down towards a bookshelf, and my device spiraled off into a nearby bookshelf, the plant hangers all flying off as it crashed.

"Mukyuu~!" Patchouli cried out, caressing her cheek. We landed on the top of the boo- Ooouuuch! My… back…!

"Haahhtatatahhhh that hurts…" I hiss, lying there.

Patchouli sighs. "Uuuuu… I've spent too much mana overcharging that flood… I-it was purposefully engineered to be flashier than normal…"

I suppose I'd be tired if I tried filling this entire huge ass library with fake water, too.

Speaking of which, all the books were fine. Huh. I arose slowly, pushing Patchouli off me, as I looked down at the floor. I picked her up, and leaped down, jumping again before we hit the bottom, and I sat her on the floor.

"Well, have fun recovering on the uh… floor." I said. I had experience with such endeavors!

"Please-" Patchouli began coughing. "-atleast… take me somewhere decent for rest."

I sighed. Always having to do the things! I was the doer of things… I moved to my plant hangers and the flail and the table and stuff and put them all away first, then I went and picked up Patchouli, bridal style.

"Come along, you cuddly magi you. We're tucking you into bed. Why, I'll even read you a bedtime story! How about that?" I tease, cuddling Patchouli as if she was a child.

"C-cease patronizing me this instant, you!" Patchouli glares weakly at me.

"Too bad! I won't stop donating to you on ! I've got too much money, Patchouli- it all works for me, but I don't want it to work for me! Make it stop, Patchouli!" I started yelling.

"Shut up… you lunatic." Patchouli tiredly utters.

We reach the exit to the library, and I take it. Outside, I tried to remember the path to my room… It was like, right left… left right? Shiiieeeut…

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: MANSIONVANIA====

I found it! It was still a freakin' fort infront of a blown-out room!

"...Please, no." Patchouli sadly stared at it.

"Too bad. Welcome to Fort Fuck-you, population: me."

"Charming. I'm sure the vase shards will defend us well against skeletons and fairies with wings."

Good point, actually! "In that case, I'm going to just hide us under some things…"

I took the door portion of the blown-out door, and some of the tables, and stacked them around Patchouli.

"A-are you trying to encase me in a tomb of furniture?" Patchouli irately asked, her voice unable to raise to yelling levels.

"Yeah, but I'm hoppin' in too." I explained.

Patchouli grunted. "But… how? You've nearly entirely sealed me in…"

I lift a table at the top, crawl in carefully not to hurt Patchouli, and seal the top. Nice and snug!

"...Oh, no…" I felt the ragged breath of Patchouli run across my cheek.

"...Look, I know it's a little snug, but-"

Patchouli sighed. "Please kill me."

I shook my head. "Nope! You've come too far to be bested by furniture!"

Patchouli glared at the table above her. "Dammit."

I chuckled. "That's what I say!"

We bickered into the coming hour- I didn't know the time, but I was a little tired aswell after that- and we eventually found rest in the little furniture tomb.

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: MANSIONVANIA====

I awaken slowly… and stiffly! Carpets are fluffy, but not that fluffy!

Speaking of fluffy…

An end-table adjacent to Patchouli and I's heads was dragged out. A fluffle gingerly crawled up, and looked at me. It started sniffing me.

"friend" it collapsed against the side of my head.

Patchouli stirred.

"A-aahh… water…" She felt around where where a glass of water would presumably be, instead feeling across my shirt. She began to sit up, and hit her head on the table I stacked atop us.

"Mukyuu~!" She fell back down and grasped her head.

I fumbled for my sack awkwardly… uh…

In any case, I took out my Hydraulic! "Say 'aaahh'!"

I twisted the valve, and held it over Patchouli's mouth.

"What a- pufft- puh- gafh!" Patchouli sputtered, her mouth being flooded with water. I turned the valve again to make it stop, a puddle already under Patchouli's head as her face and upper torso were drenched.

"Uh… feeling better?" I sheepishly grinned.

"Waterlogged and oppressed, yes." Patchouli sighed from the floor, before coughing some more.

"Cold, and wet… and sad…" I made a "that's just how life is" face, which I always only made ironically to be an annoying twat. It's like that one where you got your eyebrows raised and your mouth tilted, but despite the neutral expression anyone could tell you were trying to piss people off.

Patchouli snorted. "Precisely."

"im soft" Freakin' fluffles…

"...When did that little menace make its way in here?" Patchouli scowled at the fluffle.

The fluffle cooed, snuggling up to us.

"That's it yo, I've had enough dust gathering around me for one day!" I start climbing out of the gap the fluffle made in the tomb, and push the displaced end-table away.

I climb up, and brush myself off. As cozy as it was taking a dust-nap aside a hallway, I needed my leg room!

Patchouli looked up to me, feebly trying to climb out herself, but giving way to her fatigue. "Help…"

I dragged her out, and picked her up. "Get up hea', you magical pillow, you." I carried her bridal style, again.

The fluffle walked out. "i have a home, friends. follow me!"

I followed the fluffle, and we came up to a stand in the middle of the hallway.

I sigh. "Even in the depths of a mansion, I can't escape the fluff market…"

Patchouli looks at the stand vainly. "Please don't tell me we're actually considering buying goods from this… thing…"

I nod. "That's exactly what we'll be doing! I dunno 'bout you, but I like living and things!" I put Patchouli down upright, and let her go off to stumble for her balance. I turn to the desk,

"hi fri-" Nope!

"Be quiet, you mush-mouthed freak! Show me the merchandise!" I yelled at it. I've had it up to here with fluffy friks!

The fluffle took out a rainbow-colored plant hanger, neon with the rainbow colors flowing up and down it. I point to it. "How much, uh… does that cost?"

"five hundred thousand yen, it-"

I raise a hand to stop it. "Say no more, because that will be a trial for another day! I am not even going to think about such a capable tool until I can hope to buy it!"

I point to the bomb hanger thing. "Price 'a that?"

"twenty thousand yen, it-"

I flail my arms. "I already know what it does!"

Patchouli finally makes her way to the desk, and stares at the plant hangers. "...I don't care anymore." She folds her arms, scowling at the selection.

The fluffle turns to her. "i've got wares for you, too, friend!"

Patchouli raises a brow. "What could you possibly have that interests me?"

The fluffles takes tomes out from under the desk, and spreads them across said desk.

"magic, friend" The fluffle explains.

"...I doubt these are texts I haven't read before." Patchouli opens a red tome. Her eyes widen.

"T-this feeling… do these tomes grant affinities? Curious…" She puts it down and picks up a purple tome. "...Some of these use variations of magic I don't even dabble in. Who wrote these?"

Raising its fins, the fluffle cheers. "i made them, friend!"

Patchouli stares at it. "...I won't even dignify that with a response."

I suddenly realize… "Hey, this thing!" I take out the Holy Hanger. "How do do do?" I ask.

The fluffle looks to it. "it's a Holy Hanger; especially effective against youkai and the undead! it also can be magically charged to light up, the light it produces particularly blinding and even stunning to many forms of youkai and undead, but as with most holy spells, it's costly"

Huh. I wonder what it means by costly...

I look to her. "You got any cash for the uh, bomb hanger? I could use explosions in my life!" The big kaboom, yo!

She looks at me. "...I do have atleast thirty three thousand on me, but…"

I take the barrel extension and the mechanized hanger. "I'll take it all!"

"twenty two thousand, friend" The fluffle sticks out a fin.

"Help, friend!" I turn to Patchouli.

"...Cheapsk-" I take out my ten-o. "...Still…"

Patchouli supplies the other twelve thousand, and we hand the money to the fluffle.

...The fuck did the fluffles do with it, anyway!? They probably ate it or something, knowing them…

"enjoy your Blast Hanger, friend!" The fluffle handed me the stuff, and then the stand started to take-off…

...Wait, we were inside!...that means…

I lifted Patchouli, as the stand started to crash against the ceiling.

"Thar she blows!" I yell, and we dash away. The stand continues to drill into the roof, before exploding.

"Waaalll!" We hear the wails of the fluffy arms dealer behind us as flames wash out of the hall, though it stopped quite short of us.

"...Those things are going to kill someone one of these days…" Patchouli sighed, and I put her back down.

I smile. "Ah, lighten up. I got this thing, now!" I lift the Blast hanger, and attach the barrel to it.

"Bee-sheventee~n bawmber!" I exclaimed, excitedly looking at the hanger.

"...Bee...seventee-" I cut Patchouli off.

"Bee-sheventee~n bawmber!"

"...I see." Patchouli stares at me questioningly.

"Bee-sheven- Ouch!" Patchouli smacked me on the back of the head with her tome.

She glared at me, before speaking in as commanding of a tone as she could muster, "Enough of that."

We walk forward, and we come to an open, red room with a pentagram in the middle of the floor, black tiles being the main design scheme of the floor.

"Ah… It feels like the temporal fuselage modification device is working to full capacity. I am quite pleased with the result… I've got to run more tests on temporal bending in the future; I've not had much experience with such a field." Patchouli suddenly starts talking about magical theory stuff that I try to pay attention to, but it kinda goes over my head…

"...Alright, well what the fuck's that supposed to mean?" I ask outright, grinning with a brow raised.

Patchouli snorts. "It means Sakuya's going to kick your proverbial ass, for the lack of a better term."

Huh, a time hanger would have been handy, if not a bit broken…

Patchouli stops. "I'm not going to be receiving any knives to my extremities, thank you very much. Have fun, I guess." She floats off in the opposite direction.

...She probably shoulda done that earlier, all things considered! Oh well, atleast I had this shiny new weapon!... I feel like it wouldn't help me fight Sakuya at all though, if I even get a chance to not die as fast.

I back out of the room before anything happens. I know I couldn't defeat Sakuya, period… so I wasn't going to fight Sakuya. Screw fighting the residents, I got lucky with Patchouli! Time to rethink my strategy!

I walked away from the apparent boss room, and backtracked- I should be able to make my way outside the mansion…

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: MANSIONVANIA====

I walked back through one of the entrance halls, only to pass Reimu and Marisa, who were heading for the library.

"Hey, you! What're-" I cut off Reimu.

"I'm busy doing the mad speedrunning strats of my forefathers, leave me be!" I wave my hands. "Also, have a nice day!"

Marisa zooms over to me. "Where'd'you think you're going, ze? You probably had a part in the mist coming back! I know you frequent this place these days…" Marisa suspiciously addressed me.

I rose my hands defensively. "Yo, I had to tangle with a certain under-the-weather mage last night, and the reason I'm goin' back out is 'cause I have zero chance of fighting Sakuya as I am right now."

Marisa stares at me. "So, what, you're… fleeing?"

I grin. "It's called advancing in the opposite direction!"

Marisa guffaws. "A-alright, ze… C'mon Reimu, I have a feeling he won't be of any use to us… wahahah!"

Reimu rolled her eyes. "Calm down, you. It was about time he took some responsibility and left things to us."

I proceeded towards the entrance, a plan formulating in my mind…

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO: MANSIONVANIA====

Now on the front lawn, I pulled out the yin-yang flail. "Hope this works!"

Hovering into the air, I was suddenly grounded by a magical force in the air. "...Damn you, invisible force ceilings!" I shouted up at the sky.

I couldn't fly, so instead…

I still had what, three health potions left?... I could make this work!

I took out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, and stood next to the wall.

"Highest spire of the mansion, huh…?" I grinned. I slammed the floor under my fe- Blam!

Holy mother of fucking…!

I flew into the air, my legs vibrating fiercely from the shock of the blast, as I traveled halfway up the way, being flung by the explosion. I swing at the side of the wall, aiming for the top of a window pain below- Blam!

I whirled into the air, nausea setting in as I flew onto the roof's level, but I wasn't actually on the roof yet… so I shot a yellow lemon-shaped danmaku out of the barrel, which was just enough to fling me onto the roof.

I landed on my back. I could feel my legs aching severely, and my everythings were not okay after that landing! Good thing explosions here went by Gensokyo physics and not the insta-gib kind!

I chugged the health potion, having successfully sequence-broken Remilia's path through the halls she likely devised for me, now at the rooftop. Nobody was around the rooftop itself, though…

Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp…

I couldn't wait to barf all this stuff up in like a day or two from now!

Reimu and Marisa would likely end up fighting Sakuya instead, stalling them and giving me enough time to beat Remilia to a pulp! Why was I more confident in my ability to fight Remilia instead of Sakuya, you wonder?

Well, I had Hydraulic here. If I could get close enough to clock her one good one, this should be no problem!

I stare up at the clock tower ahead. Time to end this little escapade, and once again beat Reimu to the punch! Yeeheehaaah!

====FREAKIN GENSOKYO====

END OF CHAPTER 7

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Hunter, Plant Hanger Master

PRIMARY WEAPON: Quake Maker - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes due to an upgrade. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder.

INVENTORY:

Holy Hanger- Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. I wonder how useful it'd be against Remilia…?

Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.

Flame Dispenser - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Upgraded to have a nozzle with which the weapon can be utilized as a flame thrower with.

Vortex Hanger - A pastel-green and grey plant hanger, comprised of mysterious industrial metals. Is always vaguely windy, and thus floats on flat surfaces like an air-hockey. Boosts wind abilities and spells; can cast minor wind spells via swinging, although for the most part that consists of a slight height boost when jumping which can be repeated, resulting in psuedo-flying. Currently attached to the flail...

Hydraulic- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Mundane, but practical in the eyes of a few. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon fighting style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Due to a dark amulet upgrade, it may be used to cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat. When highly charged with buffs, the scythe can even inflict instantaneous death upon certain enemies who are not inherently immune to dark elemental things; although it's general consensus that instant death is ineffective against anyone of any real power, as they'd probably resist the effects.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird.

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!

Fancy operating cross v.2.0 - Allows control and summoning of a London doll, along with some basic commands.

PARTY:

London, the Doll - Defensive unit, able to hold positions and provide cover-fire. Command is slightly dynamic, sporting defensive and offensive modes. Able to be used for more intricate operations; although seems to be strangely absent if the operating cross is in the hammerspace sack this time…

...my party's rather empty today, isn't it?

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

heyo!

yeah it's that time again friends, time to read my sprawling chunks of fanfiction!

the show's on the road this time with two incidents triggered at once, but brad can only handle one at a time!... and he's kinda trapped in the mansion right now so eenngh

hey look, a repeat of the scarlet mist incident!... i wonder why she really needed reimu and marisa over there, though…

...i say that, but both you and i know that i already know!... or i think i already know, anyway

in any case, fluffy days!

...like the previous ordeal, you're only gonna be seeing this chapter in like two weeks from now, all things considered.

as always, see you all next time!