As always a big thank you to Bruised Reed.
Jack gives another glance at the Ancient Repository of Knowledge.
It only takes him a second to make the decision, but it's a busy second. Jack thinks back to his recent trip to the park. Cassie was playing with the dog he gave her seven years ago. Katie was crawling off the blanket despite all of Sam's efforts. Katie had been so desperate to find a tree or person or anything to pull herself into a standing position on so she could fall down again. Sam was laughing at the constant meaningless babble Katie has been making ever since she reached three and half months (looking like she's seven months). He thinks of Sam too. He tries to stop himself, but then doesn't. He lets himself for a minute think of the sunlight making her blond hair look like a halo. Of the way she thought so loudly, and giggled so quietly. He would do anything to protect her.
He thinks about Daniel, and how much he doesn't want that man to die. Again. He thinks about Teal'c, and the fact that Teal'c doesn't even get to choose to make this sacrifice. Then he thinks about all the Jaffa, and humans, and a whole galaxy depending on him.
Jack gives Daniel his baseball cap, and lowers his head into the machine.
Damn it! Sam curses and she and Teal'c lift the Colonel between them. She should have stopped him. She could have. She could have done it herself. Tried to hold him down. But did she have the right? If one man is willing to die on behalf of his world, what right has she to say no?
Could she say no, because I love you though I can never have you? No, because I don't want to raise my daughters in a world without you? No, because I can't live without you?
He opens the door, and Sam is standing there bouncing Katie in her arms. She's usually still and stiff when she's nervous. But he knows she's still nervous even when her usual signs are gone.
"Sir," she says. One word, he thinks, and it can mean everything from I love you to I am contemplating exactly how to kill you. It can be insubordinate or respectful, sympathetic, or condemning. And never once, has he had to wonder what that word means from Samantha Carter's lips, until today.
"Carter," he says, trying to make her last name mean no more than the last names of anyone else he's ever served with, and knowing that never once in all the years he's known her did he succeed.
"Did I wake you?" she asks.
"Sorta," he says, knowing she knows the answer before he says it.
"I couldn't sleep all last night," she says.
"Shoulda called," he says, "Wasn't the kid?"
"No, and I didn't want to bother you. I…" she says.
And there are a lot of things he wants to say. A lot of things he would say if he was sure he would die, and felt like he could throw away the frat regs. But if he threw those out every single time it looked like they were going to die, he and Sam…Well, it's best not to dwell on that, especially since it was sounding like a pretty good plan right now.
"Come in," he says.
And it's not quite com'ere the prefix to a patented Jack O'Neill hug which would make her feel better. If only for a little bit. Those hugs were few and far between. Things have to get pretty shitty before she got a com'ere hug. You had to be taken over by Tok'ra, or lose a friend, or spend time in hell-literally, in order to get one of those. She knew she wasn't getting a com'ere hug when she came over. He would never imagine she was capable of grieving for him. He would never offer her comfort when he was the only one in trouble.
"I was looking at the sky. Trying to figure out how many stars we've actually been to," he says. She knows he's full of crap. Everything about that statement is wrong. They've never been to a star. Touching something that hot tends to result in death.
She decides to call his bluff, "Actually… only a few of the stars visible from Earth have Stargates on them, so…"
"I know that," he says, "Hammond call you to check up on me?"
It's a stupid question. More stupid even than wondering how many stars he's been to. He knows this isn't an authorized mission. This is two people standing here awkwardly not saying all of the things that they want to say.
She makes some excuse why she's here. He lets her talk, not cutting her off, letting it become awkward. Letting her go on as a silent homage to all the times he refused to cut off her technobabble. Then he goes to get her a coffee, but failing at that, he brings her a beer.
When he comes back she's looking at a picture of Charlie. At least half of his pictures are SG-1, and he'd have thought she'd be drawn to those. There are also quite a few of Katie. But it's a picture of Charlie she puts down reverently when he hands her a beer.
"You ever talk to her?" Sam asks pointing to a picture of Jack, Sara, and Charlie. She's got good eyes; it's the only picture of Sara in the house. They both know it's the least awkward lead in to another conversation. One he will not have, because he might just live. There just might be another miracle.
"Can we not talk about that?" he asks, and Sam acknowledges with a head nod. She knows it's not just about his ex-wife he means.
"How do you feel?" she asks.
"Could we not talk about that either?" he says.
"Okay," she says. "What do you want to talk about?"
He takes the baby from her, "Just in case Carter, I left everything to her," he mutters.
She doesn't say anything, not quite sure what there is to say. The silence stretches a long time, but it isn't the silence that worries her. Jack is never this still.
"You want to be alone. This was a bad…we should go," she says reaching out for Katie.
"Finish your beer," he says not lessening his grip on the baby, "And then you have to wait at least an hour before you drive." He flicks the cap of his beer bottle across the room into the fireplace, and every muscle in her body relaxes. It's movement, a fidget.
"Sir…" Sam says, and for a moment they are both worried that all the forbidden things are going to come spilling out of her mouth.
"What?" he asks after nothing comes. He finds himself almost hoping all of the forbidden things will come spilling out of her mouth."
"I should have done it," she says. And they both know what it is. Survivor's-guilt which was for them, just as Jack said, is as common as concussions and knee injuries. But having a name for something doesn't do much good. Knowing that it is wrong to think something doesn't make you stop thinking it.
"What? Stick your head in that thing? Are you nuts? Carter, you're one of this country's natural resources, if not national treasures. It couldn't have gone down any other way. I just hope it's worth it."
And he looks at his lap at one of the little things he wanted to save. Easier to think of Katie than faceless millions.
"Even if we do find the Lost City, even if we get there and find exactly what we're looking for to defend the planet…" she says.
"That would be worth it," he says.
She shakes her head so slightly that if you were not looking closely you might miss it all together. He understands. He wouldn't trade her for the galaxy either.
There is a knock at the door. They both know the time to say the serious things is over. They made the decision not to say any of the serious things, but they can't go back on the decision now, even if they changed their minds.
"Hello?" Daniel asks tentatively. Despite the glasses he isn't blind. He knows what is between these two. He knew when he saw Sam's car what it might mean, since Jack was dying. He also knew it probably didn't mean that. After all, this wasn't the first time one of them had almost died.
"In here," Jack calls.
Daniel pokes his head around the corner looking for a moment like the socially terrified linguist Jack had first met years ago, "Are we interrupting something?"
"No," Sam and Jack say together. There had never been anything to interrupt.
And then Daniel proceeds to give an awkward reason of why they'd come. And for the first time since the two of them met, Jack lets him talk until the linguist runs out of words. Turns out he doesn't say much more without a word limit than with one, it just comes out slower.
Jack is working on making the ship faster. First time he's skilled with technology, no second time. He's had all of this in his brain before. "Sir, I think you should know that General Hammond authorized me to take command of the team if I determined it…" Sam says. He watches her fidget. He knows she's never going to feel like she can take command until he tells her too. It's a weakness she hates in herself. It's power over her he doesn't want to have.
"Do it now," he says.
"Sir, I don't think that's necessary, yet," Sam says. She's a Major now, one who has seen a lot of action. She can take care of herself, and is more than competent to lead a small team, hell an army. But for one second he sees the Captain he first met at a debriefing. She was inexperienced enough she hadn't yet lost count of the hours she'd fought. She was young enough she still thought bragging about her exploits was the way to get respect. She'd stood there trying to hide the flick of terror in her bright blue eyes with obnoxious feminism. Will she ever know how amazing she is?
"I trust you…I'll make it easy for you…I resign. You're in charge," he says.
"Okay," there is a pause. "Sir, at your house before Daniel and Teal'c showed up, what I was gonna say was…"
He stops her. For once he cuts her off before she wants him to. He can't let her say it. There are thoughts which cannot be unthought, feelings which cannot be unfelt, and words which cannot be unsaid. "I know," he says.
And she knows that he does know. It's been a long time since she actually thought her commanding officer was stupid. Longer even than since she thought he was an ass. But somehow, she still wanted to say it. She still wanted to tell him that she didn't want to live without him. That she was getting tired of almost losing him again and again. That she was willing to wait for him forever. That he was the only man she could ever love. And that if he died, she'd love him forever, anyway. She wanted to say this all, but she can't.
"Odysseus" she says.
He smiles. He doesn't know quite where she's going with this, but he does want to turn it into a joke if he can "Homer."
"No, Penelope," she says.
He freezes. She's gone and said everything he feared she would and more. "You're no Penelope, Carter. You'd have whooped the suitors' asses yourself, if you didn't want them around, instead of waiting on Odysseus. And…I don't want you to be Penelope," he adds looking into her eyes. He can't stand the thought of her waiting a decade for him. The comparison to Penelope haunts him. He sees Penelope working on a funeral shroud by day, unraveling by night. Suspending her life for an old man who may or may not come back.
"You don't really have a choice in the matter," she says.
Not a touch. Not a kiss. But he feels like he's broken every frat rule in the book.
Jack has saved the world. Now is the time to sleep. That one word punctuating his consciousness won't let him. "Sir? Sir?" it's a question or a command he isn't sure which.
Sam holds his head in her hands, "His pulse is erratic," she says over her shoulder, while keeping her face in front of his. "Don't you dare leave us now. We won," she insists. He tries to obey her orders. After all, she is his boss now. He opens his eyes, and tries to move. "Colonel!" she says holding his chin. He tries to tell her how to save him, but the words won't come out-in any language. "Please! Jack!" His name. She said his name, for the second time. This time he wasn't going to scold her, even if he could. The 'please' is familiar. He's done crazy things to obey her 'please don't die'. He let them put a snake in his head once.
"Dormata," he whispers.
"That thing," Daniel says pointing to a small person sized hollow in the wall. Teal'c doesn't say a word, he just picks up Jack and places him in the little hollow. It lights up, and Teal'c stands back.
"Now what?" Sam asks before she remembers she's the one who is supposed to be giving the orders now.
"Aveo…amacuse," Jack says.
"Goodbye," Daniel says nodding. But they all know that isn't the real translation. Daniel isn't quite sure what the real one is, but he knows it should be delivered to Sam in private. He caught "I wish" and some word whose root was "my love."
"We can't just leave him like this! There has to be a way to reverse the process. The answer has to be here somewhere," Sam insists.
"I don't think it is," Daniel whispers.
"What do you mean?" she asks.
"I don't think this is the lost city of Atlantis. I think it is just an outpost of some kind," Daniel says.
What had Jack said about after Charlie died? You have to bribe yourself to get out of bed. The last two weeks had been like that. It if it wasn't for Katie, and Cassie, and work, Sam might never find the reason to move.
"Breakfast, Sam!" an artificially cheerful voice rings out.
"You don't have to make me breakfast," Sam says coming out of her room and kissing Cassie on the forehead.
"I don't mind, I don't have my first class until ten o'clock today," Cassie says.
"I'm supposed to be taking care of you," Sam says.
"Let's make it mutual for a little bit," Cassie says. Sam doesn't argue, because Cassie has just handed her, her own private kryptonite, a cup of coffee.
AN: Daniel's in head translation of Jack's "last" Ancient words are the real Latin translation of what Jack said. Just a fun fact.