I'm cranky, so I'll just post and keep my mouth shut.

CHOICES

04/13/2002 – I broke my number one rule last night. I let Gina spend the night with me, and she wouldn't let me make love to her. She satisfied me, though. I care about her, and that worries me. Maria warned me not to let her get under my skin, but I think it may be too late. She is lying next to me now and sleeping peacefully. I only hope that the entire mountain doesn't catch wind of our relationship. As much as I hate to admit it, it is becoming a relationship.

As for Wanda, I've decided to back off and give her the time she needs to make things right with Ian. I suppose they belong together. At any rate, my guests from the caverns are leaving tomorrow. Wanda will be giving one more lecture this morning, so as much as I hate to wake this angel sleeping next to me, I want to make it to that lecture. I want to learn as much as I can about the places she's seen, and the different species she has become a part of.

"Gina, sweetheart, wake up."

"Is it five o'clock already?"

"No, it's almost nine."

"Shoot! I was supposed to get up before morning. Why didn't you set your alarm for me?"

"It's okay. Just take a book when you go. If anyone questions you, tell them you stopped by to borrow a book."

"You've done this before," she surmised.

"Once or twice," I admitted. "Do you feel better this morning?"

"Am I supposed to? You admitted you have feelings for some girl, who's taken, and yet I've given you everything I have to give, and we are just friends."

"Someone once told me, 'celibacy is easier. It doesn't wear on your emotions'."

"You could say the same for death."

"I suppose that's true, but everyone one of us on this mountain is a fighter and would never choose death if given the choice."

"Right, so why would I choose celibacy?"

I leaned in and kissed her gently on the lips. "Thank you for last night, but in the future, I don't want to you to please me unless you want to be pleased in return. You got that?"

"So, are you telling me I can come back?"

"I never said you couldn't come to me."

"Um…'I don't care where you sleep, just don't sleep here.' That sounds a lot like you didn't want me to come here."

"I was angry and frustrated. I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry."

"Apology accepted."

"Listen, I have to attend to this morning's lecture. My guests from the caverns are leaving tomorrow, so I will be extremely busy today. I don't want you to feel that I am ignoring you on purpose, okay?"

"Okay. I'll wait for you to let me know when you want to see me."

"Thank you."

"Just don't make me wait forever," she added.

"I won't." I leaned in and kissed her lips. "Bye."

I left her in my bed. I didn't have time to go to the house, so I used the outhouse and brushed my teeth using the water that had been brought to the dishwashing area just outside the cave. I returned to the main cave just as the family was beginning to gather. Melanie, Jared, and Aaron were there, and I was told that Lily had gone to the house. Apparently, she and Burns were really hitting it off. I was about to go to the house to retrieve Wanda when she arrived with Lily. I smiled at them as they entered the main cave. Wanda looked beautiful, but there was something off. The fact that Ian was not with her did not go unnoticed. Burns was missing as well. I had to assume that he was with Ian at the baseball field. After all, this was his last day to enjoy the outdoors, for tomorrow they would be leaving.

I stepped up to the podium and gave my little speech thanking our guests for coming to visit us on the mountain and inviting them to return again soon. Then, I introduced Wanda as I had done days ago, and she stepped up to the podium.

"Are you okay?' I asked her quickly and quietly.

"Yes, I'm fine," she answered as she took her spot at the big rock. She seemed comfortable this time around. She spoke about a world in which she described the inhabitants as bat-like creatures that did not have the luxury of sight, however, they had beautiful voices, and they spent their lives singing joyous songs. She told us that many souls chose this planet as their home because it was one of peace and harmony.

She continued her speech with her experiences on earth. She lamented over the fact that humans were so passionate about life, and she felt her species had not done enough research before invading the planet. She said that if they had, in her opinion, they may have left us in peace. She ended her lecture in tears because she said that even with all the controversy, she was happy she had come here because if given the choice of all nine planets she had visited, this life was the one she would choose, because she had found love. She clarified that it wasn't just her love for Ian, but her love for all of the humans she had come in contact with because in her eyes, each of us was special in our own right. The crowd converged on her and tried to comfort her. Many told her they were happy that she was here, and they didn't blame her for the atrocities that have happened since that fateful day.

I tried to make my way through the crowd, and I was met by Lily, who dragged me back in the opposite direction.

"Nate, stay away from her," Lily say adamantly.

"Why?"

"She doesn't want to see you."

I shook my head. "I don't understand."

"Let's just say she is trying to find Ian. He was gone when she got up this morning."

I watched her exit the cave and head towards the baseball field.

"Just leave her be. Okay?" Lily didn't wait for my response. She backed away from me, turned, and began jogging towards Wanda. My heart was pounding at the thought that she didn't want to have anything to do with me. I heeded Lily's words. I went inside the cave to my room and collapsed on my bed. I stared at the ceiling for what seemed like an hour. Finally, I talked myself into doing something productive. I went to the store room and did the inventory that I had been neglecting over the last several days. I was almost done when Burns found me.

"We need to talk."

"I'm backing off!" I said in my defense.

"Ian's not going back."

"What?" I wasn't sure I heard him right.

"Ian, he asked me if he could stay on the mountain in my house. He thinks that Wanda doesn't love him, and he wants her to go back and think about what she really wants."

"Because of me?" I couldn't believe it.

"Because of you."

"Shit!"

He was stoic. "I thought you'd be happy. Isn't this what you wanted?"

"No! I mean, I don't know! I admit she intrigues me like no one ever has in my life, but I don't want to tear them apart if he's what she wants." I put my hands on my head. "Burns, I'm so confused!"

"You've never felt this way about anyone, have you?"

"Damn it!"

I brushed my hair back with my hands as I tried to sort out this news. "Maybe, if I stay out of the way, he'll change his mind."

"You know you are my best friend, but I have to tell you, if she decides that you are what she wants, and you don't marry her, I will kick you off my land. That's a promise."

I sighed deeply.

"Do you hear me?" he pressed.

"I hear you," I swallowed. "I'm going to my room."

"You do that."

I vacated the storeroom and headed to my room. I shut the door and didn't bother to turn on the lamp. I laid on my stomach across my bed with my head hanging off the over side, and I stared into the blackness. On the one hand, I imagined a life with Wanda. She was so beautiful both inside and out. I could see me waking up to her smile, and I knew if given the chance I would do anything to please her. On the other hand, I saw her looking tortured…missing Ian. Once she had gotten over her initial anger with Ian at the caverns, she had done nothing but fight to keep his attention. I knew that whatever she might feel for me was negligible, compared to what she felt for Ian. I couldn't destroy her for my own petty fantasies.

The dinner hour had passed, and I don't know how long I lay there before sleep finally took me, but it was Ian who woke me in the early hours of morning.

The knock on the door pulled me from my slumber. I assumed it would be Gina.

"Come in."

The door slowly opened, and I heard Ian's voice as I leaned over to turn on the lamp. "Can I talk to you?"

"Sure." I replied not sure of what to expect.

I was still dressed, so I threw off the blanket that I had managed to wrap myself in sometime during the night.

"Would you like to take a walk?" I offered.

"That might be best," he replied.

I ran my fingers through my hair in an effort to look presentable, should I run into someone, although it was still very early. We walked in the brisk morning air as the sun's rays slowly greeted the new day. Ian was unusually calm.

"I met Wanderer when she was trapped inside Melanie's body. I say trapped, because Melanie loved Jared, and Wanderer was limited as to what she could show me in the way of affection. When she was finally released, and Jamie chose the body she now inhabits, I thought I was home free, but I see that's not the case. She seems to have a thing for you. It haunts me because I would never want her to feel that she had to be with me because she has a choice. But before I send her away, I need to know if you have these same feelings for her. I wouldn't want her to be hurt. She's been through so much already."

I stopped and stared at the ground. "You want the truth?"

"That's all I'm asking for."

"I've never had anyone affect me the way she does. I can't explain it. I've told myself time and time again to back off because she's already taken, but when I see her…I don't know…my logic seems to go right out the window."

"I see."

I looked up at him. "Is it that way with you?"

"Go back to the caverns with her." He turned and walked away.

"Ian?"

He didn't turn back. "IAN! IT'S YOU SHE WANTS!" I called out.

Fuck! Idiot! Why didn't you just lie?

I returned to my room, and I grabbed my toothbrush and a change of clothes. I headed for the house in the hopes I might catch Ian and talk him out of staying. I entered the back door, and it was quiet. I listened at the door to Ian and Wanda's room, and it, too, was quiet. I turned the knob, and it was unlocked. I peaked into the room, and Wanda was asleep. Ian was not in the room. I gently closed the door and took the opportunity to shower and brush my teeth.

Now that I was clean and refreshed, I took off in pursuit of Ian. I went to the field assuming he would seek the solace of the pitcher's mound. He wasn't there. I immediately headed for the cave in hopes that he may have gone to seek out his family to say good-bye. He wasn't there, either. None of the others were there. I must have missed them while I was at the field.

As I approached the house, I could see that Jared was slamming the bags into the back of the van. Melanie was trying to calm him. Lily was crying, and poor Burns just looked lost. I could only assume the news was not sitting well with the cavern dwellers. I didn't see Ian among them, so I bypassed them all and went directly into the house. I knocked on the bedroom door.

The door opened, and I was face to face with the one woman on this planet who had managed to invade my head in a way I couldn't explain.

"Can I come in?"

She stepped back allowing me access. Our eyes met, and she quickly turned away and went about packing her things. I closed the door gently. It was only at that precise moment that I decided I wanted this. He was giving me my chance and I wanted it.

"I think that Ian is making a good decision," I said barely above a whisper.

"Do you?" She was clearly upset.

"I do." I walked to her and turned her slowly around to face me. "You can't deny the chemistry between us. I know I feel it every time I'm near you."

She looked into my eyes. She was so beautiful, and yet she seemed so sad.

"Kiss me," she said flatly.

"What?" Again, I wasn't sure of what I heard.

"I want you to kiss me, Nate. Ian is gone. There's no reason for you not to kiss me," she demanded.

Maybe she was angry with Ian, and she was hoping he would barge in and claim his territory. I wasn't sure this was the right time for this. I hesitated. "Maybe you should give it a little time."

"Okay, then dance with me." She went to the CD player and a moment later the song we had danced to in the root cellar was playing. She returned to me and bit her lower lip as she looked up at me. I wrapped my arms around her waist. We started to dance. I looked deeply into her eyes trying to decide if she really wanted this. I knew I really wanted it.

"You know I never thought this could happen. I wanted it to, but I never thought …" Now it was me biting my lower lip because I knew I was going to kiss her. I couldn't hold back. Her ruby lips were so inviting. She pulled her arm from around my neck and brushed her fingers softly across my lips. I closed my eyes. She leaned in and gently pressed her lips to mine. I returned her kiss. It was soft and gentle, but I wanted more. I was committed now, so I allowed my feelings for her to come full force. I pushed my tongue into her mouth and tasted her sweetness. Her lips were fuller than Gina and Nadine's and I was relishing the fact that she seemed to be enjoying this kiss as well. She grabbed my hair in her fist and pulled me tighter to her body. I could feel the tension erupting in my pants. God, I wanted her. I was afraid she would feel my excitement, so I ended the kiss and stepped back. I kept my hands on her arms, and I searched her eyes for the same satisfaction I was feeling. She was quiet. Say something.

She finally spoke. "Nate." She paused briefly. "That was nice." Thank god. I pulled her into a hug. "But …" I froze when I heard the dreaded 'but'. "Nate, I love you. I can't deny that I feel love for you. You are cute, and funny, and witty, and even sexy but …"

I knew what she was about to say because I had said the same thing many times before. "But you are not in love with me."

"No."

"But it was only a first kiss. Maybe after a few days…"

She didn't let me finish. "Nate, after the build up over the last few days this kiss should have been, well, you know."

Again, I felt like she was saying my lines. "Mind boggling."

"Yes."

I drew in a deep breath and exhaled. "So, I guess there is no need for me to go back with you to the caverns."

"No."

"Do you want me to go tell Ian?"

"Not right now. You can tell him after I'm gone."

"Don't you want him to go back with you?"

"I do, but he won't." She stepped forward and hugged me. "He needs time."

I buried my face in her hair. "I'll miss you," I said sincerely. The truth was I wanted to go with her back to the caverns, but I wouldn't unless asked.

"I'll miss you, too. I was really starting to learn your scheming ways."

I pulled back and smiled. "Really?"

She grinned at me, and my heart melted. "Really. You know I engineered the whole thing between Burns and Lily."

"So, that was you, huh?"

Suddenly, she looked panicked. "Oh! Lily!"

"What?" I was at a loss as to why she seemed upset about Lily.

"She will be sad, too. She is leaving Burns!"

Again, she had shown the compassion I had seen so often. "Yeah, I saw some tears this morning. This day seems to be hard all around."

"Promise me something?"

"If I can."

"Promise me that you will take care of Ian and Burns? And that you'll call me and tell me how Ian is doing?"

"Who's going to take care of me?" I realized how selfish it sounded as soon as the words came out.

"Nate, you are the craftiest person I know. That's why you are the leader here. I know there is someone out there willing to take care of you. Sarah loves you to death."

"She's fourteen!"

"Okay, well maybe not Sarah. But it will happen, I know it will. You are too great of a guy. Your twenty first girl will come along."

"Huh?"

"I'll tell you about it the first time you call me."

They say when God closes a door, he opens a window. I knew that Gina had been brought to me for a reason. She would be my solace in all this, if she would have me. It was the first time I had thought about her since the morning I left her in my bed. Come to think of it, I really hadn't seen her yesterday. I heard the van door slam, and it brought my attention to the window.

"Are you ready to go? They are all waiting on you."

"No. I'll never be ready to leave Ian behind." She handed her bag to me, and she turned off the music that was still playing and scooped the CD player under her arm. She gently slipped her hand in mine, and I led her out to the crowd gathered outside.

Burns practically ran to her. "Are you going to be all right to drive? It's daylight, and you have to go through the center of town."

"Yes, I can drive for a bit," she said bravely.

"Good. Wanda, take care of Lily, okay?"

She threw her arms around Burns's neck and began to cry. "I'll miss you 'big brother'.

"I'll miss you too, 'little sis'." As he pulled away, he was wiping his eyes.

"Take care of Ian for me. Let him know that I love him. No, tell him that I am 'in love' with him. Tell him every day." She backed away from him and climbed into the truck. She was a mess. I needed to do something. I opened the door and took her into my arms.

"It's okay. Shhhh. It's okay. You'll see him again. Remember that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, and when you and Ian get back together it will never be broken again. Now get your ass in gear and go home to your family."

"Thank you." She kissed me on the cheek and closed the door. Although she started the van, she still couldn't bring herself to pull away for another five minutes. In my heart I hoped she wouldn't go, but eventually, she put the van in drive and slowly pulled away.

I had to find Ian. I had to let him know that Wanda had chosen him and offer him the choice of returning to the cavern to be with her. Burns told me that he went to the baseball field. I saw him as I entered the backfield. He was throwing pitch after pitch.

"IAN!" I called out as I approached him. He stopped and turned when he heard me.

"What the hell are you doing here?" he called back. "Go to the caverns with Wanda."

I continued to approach him, but I stopped a few feet from him as a precautionary measure, which was stupid in hindsight, because he could kill me with the ball he was holding if he had the mind to. "She's already gone, Ian."

"She didn't wait for you?"

"I went to her, and she was upset. She asked me to kiss her. When I hesitated, she seduced me, and she kissed me."

"Did you kiss her back?"

"What do you think?"

"And?" Ian's face reinforced the seriousness of this simple word.

"And when she pulled away she said it was 'nice'."

Ian's face registered the pain.

"And then she followed it with a 'but'."

I expected Ian's expression to change, but it didn't.

I continued. "She told me that it was you she wanted to be with."

"She kissed you." He was staring off into space.

I had already told him this. Was he not paying attention?

"Yes, she kissed me. She made me put on the music, and she danced with me, and she enticed me until I kissed her back."

"No! DAMN IT!" he exclaimed.

"She chose you Ian. She chose you!" I reiterated.

"She tried too hard. You should have gone with her," he was exasperated. I thought he'd be happy about the outcome, but he wasn't. He was pissed. "Just get the hell away from me." He turned and pitched the ball at the pitchback we had built, and he ignored me.

"Fine, have it your way." I stomped off the field. His words reverberated in my head. 'She tried too hard.' What was that supposed to mean? Did she cover how she really felt? These words would haunt me for the next few months.

I spent the rest of the day by myself. Ian didn't want to talk to me, and I didn't want to talk to Burns. I was alone, and for the first time in my life, I didn't like it. I saw Gina at dinner, and she appeared to be enjoying herself with Sarah and Megan. She spied me and waved happily. I waved back, but I didn't have the heart to flirt with her. It wouldn't have mattered anyway since flirting would have only infuriated Sarah. The last thing I needed right now was another enemy. After dinner, I went to my room and read. I immersed myself in the inner workings of vampires, and it helped me to feel normal…if that was even possible.