7: Words

Actions might speak louder than words, but sometimes a single word can speak volumes if spoken by the right person, at the right time, in the right tone.

Kakashi finally eased away from Iruka of his own volition. He was still almost fully dressed, having only taken off his vest and shoes when he entered his home. It was a strange contrast, looking down at the naked man lying on his couch while fully dressed. Normally it would have given him a feeling of power and dominance, but in this case it didn't quite. His own erection was still begging for attention, but he said nothing, asked for nothing. What he had been allowed to do was more than enough for him, more than he had expected. When Iruka didn't show any signs of moving to get up, Kakashi sat cross-legged on the floor next to the couch so he could look at his… lover?... without hovering over him.

"Iruka, are we…?" he paused, realizing he had no idea what to call this relationship. Iruka had said they were together, he reminded himself firmly, but he couldn't quite accept it somehow.

Iruka's eyes had been half-closed in a peaceful state of drowsiness, but at Kakashi's words he opened them fully and looked at Kakashi. His expression changed to a heartbreaking mix of gratitude, bliss, regret, guilt… it didn't fit him at all, Kakashi thought. This man always smiled even when he was sad, always laughed no matter what the stakes, and this expression wasn't right. "Are we what?" asked Iruka, his voice holding a calm that wasn't in his expression.

"What are you to me? Are you my friend? My boyfriend? My lover? You let me…" he cut himself off before he could say anything lewd that would just make Iruka blush and sputter and likely yell. As fun as that was, it wasn't conducive to getting his question answered. "I mean, you said we were together, but you said 'dating' which is a very flexible word."

Kakashi waited patiently while Iruka thought about that one. He tried to be discreet as his eyes traveled over the expanse of bronze skin still showing… he'd never really seen Iruka naked before this, and he wasn't sure he'd get to see it again. He was quite surprised the usually modest man hadn't moved to cover himself up yet.

"Kakashi, just look with the other eye too already and get it over with, will you?" said Iruka, sounding cross. Apparently Kakashi hadn't been as discreet as he'd thought. Well, he figured, it had solved his staring problem before, so he flipped the hitae-ate off and stared for a long moment with both eyes, then closed the right one. It helped a little he thought, but anyone would still want to look at the beautiful man lying before him, and he wasn't sure how long that one good look would last him.

Another moment passed, and then Iruka drew in a deep breath. His eyes held a seriousness that scared Kakashi, and when he spoke, it was in a warm but firm voice. "I would hope that I am your friend, if nothing else. Even when I thought you were only teasing me, I wanted to be your friend. When I said 'dating', I think I meant it in a more casual way at the time, but now I don't think that's really a possibility." Kakashi's face fell, but Iruka rolled over and reached out with one arm so that he could lay a hand gently on Kakashi's leg. "Let me finish, Kakashi, please. I don't think it would be possible for us to date casually, because your feelings are going to have the same intensity no matter what we call the relationship. And whether I've made an actual commitment or not, I don't play the field while seeing someone. So either you're my boyfriend, or you're not, and that's up to you. As for the lover part… I don't feel comfortable with you calling me that. What just happened, it was nice, but…"

Kakashi gave Iruka another moment to continue, but he was silent. "So you're my boyfriend," Kakashi said lightly, smiling.

Iruka nodded, smiling back, but then his expression grew dark again. The hand resting on Kakashi's leg traveled up to lightly brush across his groin before settling on his thigh again. "I didn't even touch you," Iruka said softly.

Kakashi shrugged. "You don't have to. I don't want you to, actually, not right now. It'd be all wrong, like you felt you had to because I did something for you. Leave it, Iruka, I'm a big boy. If I really need to get off that badly, I can do it myself." Iruka merely nodded and smiled, squeezing Kakashi's thigh gently. It felt like an apology, and Kakashi laid his hand over Iruka's. "Why are you lounging on my couch nude?" he asked finally, his curiosity over Iruka's sudden lack of modesty getting the better of him.

Iruka blushed. "It just felt right, I don't know. You make me feel so at home here, I forget I'm not at home." He got up abruptly, locating his pants and mesh shirt and putting them back on, then looked around. "I don't know where you put my other stuff."

"Do you need it now? Are you going home?" asked Kakashi. He didn't want Iruka to leave, but he was determined not to say so. He was already asking for too much, he knew, he'd already crossed the boundaries earlier. He wasn't going to risk doing so again, not for one night.

Iruka seemed to be thinking, and Kakashi wished he'd just make up his mind and stay or go. Kakashi was starting to feel more drained than he'd ever felt in the field, simply exhausted from the sheer effort of caring so much for someone. He wanted to collapse, wanted not to think about it. Instead he waited, watched as Iruka stood thinking, pulling his messy ponytail back into some semblance of order. "No, I don't want to go. I want to have dinner, and maybe play some shogi again, and spend time with you," Iruka said finally.

Kakashi didn't want any of that, except that last one, but he nodded agreeably and stood, running through his mind what he had to make for dinner. Anything, he'd said, after all. Anything, and he'd meant it, and still did.

Two days later found the two of them in Kakashi's favorite bar, this time with Anko, Gai, Asuma, and Kurenai. Both Iruka and Kakashi had dressed in casual civilian clothing for the evening, and Iruka was wearing his hair down for once. Anko's jaw had dropped when they entered, seeing her normally reserved friend dressed in tight jeans and a mesh shirt with his hair down was not normal. She glued herself to his side as soon as he and Kakashi sat down, playing with his hair and hanging on his every word.

Kakashi carefully placed both hands on his beer bottle, resisting the urge to hit the woman. He was pretty sure killing your boyfriend's friends was a good way to lose yourself a boyfriend. So instead he merely made small talk with Gai, trying to pretend Gai wasn't glaring daggers at Iruka. Asuma and Kurenai looked ready to bolt at any moment, and overall Kakashi had a feeling this wasn't going to be the most fun evening out. Perhaps they should have hung out with Iruka's Chuunin friends instead, he thought, but Iruka had said he wanted to come here.

Just when Kakashi felt he was ready to snap and Asuma was starting to make an excuse to leave, Iruka jerked out of Anko's grip and snarled at her. "Anko-chan, please! Can you not molest me in front of my boyfriend? Or anywhere, for that matter?"

Every eye in the room seemed focused on their table, and Kakashi resisted an urge to laugh. Apparently Kurenai hadn't gotten the hint when they'd come in together, because she was sputtering, "B…boyfriend?" Gai smiled approvingly, though Kakashi doubted this one action would be enough to really redeem Iruka in his eyes.

Anko backed off, muttering an apology, and retreated to the bar to buy another drink. Iruka smiled at Kurenai, and said politely, "Yes, Kakashi and I are dating. I wasn't quite planning on letting everyone know in such a dramatic manner, but apparently Anko is rubbing off on me in more ways than one."

And then everyone was laughing, and Kakashi smiled and put an arm around Iruka, pulling him close. Iruka dropped a kiss on Kakashi's face, just above the point where his mask started. Kurenai was still gaping a bit, as were a few people at tables close to them. Kakashi wanted to play it up, wanted to show off his prize, but he knew what they didn't know… that things weren't quite right between them.

It wouldn't have mattered, he realized, because it wasn't him that people were congratulating. In fact, Iruka was moved out of his reach by the hullabaloo that followed. Everyone seemed to want to tell Iruka how lucky he was to have Kakashi, as if Kakashi were someone special. He didn't understand. These people might be his friends, but because of that they also knew just how broken inside he was. How could they be saying that Iruka was lucky to have him when in reality it was the other way around? How could they think he was anything next to the beautiful man with the kind smile and the cutest scar ever? And couldn't they see the tight muscles easily revealed by his casual clothing?

It was Anko who leaned over Kakashi's shoulder and whispered in his ear, "They don't see what you see, do they? I see it. I see also that he will break you; that he will destroy you in ways you can't even imagine yet, and you will let him. I don't envy you, Hatake Kakashi, though you might think I do. He is my friend, and I love him, but I don't love him, and I'm glad of that."

He turned to see her standing there, so close to him, wearing that bloodthirsty grin of hers. He wanted to shudder, wanted to run, because even though this woman was a part of his circle of friends, she wasn't truly someone he trusted, and she was too close and too dangerous-looking for his comfort. But he was Kakashi, and he had seen worse, so he simply shrugged and whispered back, "Anything for Iruka. It doesn't matter."

It was Anko who shuddered. "I hope for your sake and his that I am wrong about everything I have said. Don't die." Then she was moving away from him, across the room to where she hugged Iruka suddenly and then fled the bar.

Once things finally settled down, Iruka and Kakashi found themselves alone at the table with Gai, Asuma and Kurenai having actually left this time. Kakashi tried to keep the conversation light, hoping Gai wouldn't give away anything about what he had said to him before, but Gai was Gai, and made flowery pointless speeches, so it didn't seem to matter. It was only as they were leaving that Gai pointedly looked at Kakashi and said, "Don't die… and don't make yourself wish you had, any more than you already do."

Iruka raised an eyebrow, but said nothing, and he and Kakashi strolled out of the dark smoky bar and into the street. "Well, that was interesting," said Iruka dryly.

"Interesting, yes. Fun, not necessarily. Why are these people my friends anyway?"

"Because they're the only people who will put up with you?" guessed Iruka with a laugh.

Kakashi glared, but the innocent look Iruka pulled was enough to conquer him. He found himself laughing instead, and he said, "It's still early. Want to see if we can find your friends?"

Iruka shook his head. "No, thank you. I've had quite enough of the bar scene for one night. Why exactly did every single one of your friends feel the need to give me the 'Hurt my friend and I'll rip your guts out' speech?"

Kakashi's jaw dropped. "Is that what was happening there? They all seemed to be talking to you, but it sounded like they were congratulating you or something, which boggled my mind because it's not like we're getting married or something!" That last line hit him too hard, and he couldn't believe he'd said it. Married to Iruka: no, that would never happen.

Iruka didn't seem to notice the change in mood, and answered the question he'd actually asked. "Yeah, some of them disguised it like that, but it was pretty obvious. And Morino-san didn't have to say anything, just looked at me," Iruka shuddered. "You have some very loyal friends, Kakashi, you should be happy of that. And thanks for not killing Anko, she might not seem like much to you, but she's a loyal friend to me."

Kakashi went back over the things Anko had said to him. They hadn't seemed very loyal, but, she wasn't the easiest person to read either. He did know that he didn't want to have to deal with her again anytime soon. "Yeah, no problem," he mumbled aloud, realizing Iruka had been expecting a reply.

He bumped into Iruka, who had suddenly stopped walking and stepped in front of him. Kakashi made himself look up to face those warm dark eyes, and the concern in them hurt him more than anything. How could this man be so damn concerned for him all the time, and then say he didn't love him? Kakashi said nothing, simply stood there bearing the weight of those eyes.

"Are you okay?" came the question, as he had expected, and the weight it added was unbearable.

"No, I'm not," Kakashi choked out, and then his hands were moving, and he was gone. Away from there, away from Iruka, away from everything. He found himself at the Memorial Stone, and leaned his head against the cool stone, his companion for so many years. "What am I doing?" he asked it. "Do I really think I can live this way?" Shuddering, he collapsed to his knees before the stone, feeling sick to his stomach.

Iruka could have found him right away if he wanted to, he knew that. He was grateful that Iruka gave him his space, though. Kakashi dragged himself home morosely, showered, and went to bed. The next morning, he found himself getting up and dressing in his uniform as usual, and wondered why he bothered when Tsunade wasn't letting him take any missions right now anyway. Just because he'd nearly killed himself running one S-rank after another, trying to avoid thoughts of his broken team.

He was just about to head out for his early morning round of mourning when the knock at his door came. He sighed heavily, because there was only one person who would be knocking at his door at this time. He opened the door to find it was indeed Iruka standing there, and pretended to smile.

"You're almost as good at that as I am," Iruka commented, his expression bland. Kakashi said nothing, and Iruka continued. "Have you eaten breakfast yet?" Kakashi shook his head. "Come on, come eat with me."

Kakashi shrugged and followed Iruka to his place, because however much he wanted to, he couldn't make himself say no. He was silent during the entire walk, and silent throughout the meal, and silent as Iruka cleaned up. "Are you going to tell me what's wrong?" asked Iruka finally.

Kakashi shook his head, but spoke anyway. "I couldn't bear it, that was all. You look at me like you care so much sometimes. Last night you were looking at me that way, and it was too much."

Iruka moved to stand behind Kakashi's chair, and laid one hand gingerly on his head. "I'm sorry I hurt you," he said simply.

He pets me like I pet my dogs, Kakashi thought bitterly. He had started that, though, had thrown himself down at Iruka's feet and asked for that touch, accepted it. He remembered, on the balcony, reveling in that touch the first time it was given to him. He couldn't argue it now, and Iruka seemed to be comfortable with it anyway. Anything, Kakashi reminded himself.

He'd been wearing his mask through breakfast, eating sneakily under it like he normally did in anyone's company but Iruka's. Reaching up, he pulled the mask from his face, and turned to give Iruka a real smile. "No, it's nothing. Your way of caring about people is part of what I love about you too." He stood and wrapped his arms around Iruka, hugging him tight. The other man hugged back, without hesitation this time, and Kakashi smiled wider. Then he realized something, pulled away, and asked, "Don't you have to work today?"

Iruka blushed. "I called in sick," he admitted. Then he gave an evil grin. "I didn't think calling in 'My boyfriend is having a breakdown' would quite cut it."

Kakashi laughed and kissed him. He could do that now, he realized, Iruka let him do that. Not only let him, but returned his kisses at whatever intensity they were offered. He carefully kept his hands around Iruka's waist though, because he knew any other touch wouldn't be accepted. The kiss was enough, he thought, was nice enough. When Kakashi finally pulled away, Iruka said, "So since I'm home sick today, why don't you keep me company?"

Kakashi smiled easily, realizing something that Iruka hadn't said, but had made obvious. Iruka might care about everyone, but he didn't miss work for just anyone. "Of course I will," Kakashi added. "Anything for you."