Loki and Thor were walking side by side through the shiny yet cold halls of the palace.
Yes, it may not have been a voluntary arrangement; Loki had tried to put as much distance as possible between himself and his brother upon leaving the king's chambers, but he found himself being abruptly stopped by an invisible barrier. The encounter with the force shield was most uncomfortable; Loki tried hitting the wall with his bandaged hand to no effect but a throbbing pain in his palm.
"Are you trying to hurt yourself on purpose?" Thor asked after watching Loki hitting the barrier with frustration. When his brother didn't answer, Thor gave a sigh and stepped closer to him. Immediately, the invisible shield shifted, and Loki's hand hit only air.
"Brother?" Thor asked, unsure.
Loki's eyes filled with tears. Yet they were not tears of sadness nor pain coming from his abused hand. They were tears of pure anger.
"What, brother?" Loki spit the last word, reminding Thor of his unwillingness to acknowledge him as such.
"I asked if you were hurting yourself on purpose." Thor repeated softly.
Loki snorted. "Of course not." But he wasn't so sure. It would be enough to hit the barrier once to understand that Odin's magic was strong and fully functioning. Why did he keep hitting it? He was not Thor, he could control his rage.
Could he?
Maybe Frost Giants deserve pain.
"Are you coming?" Loki said finally. Thor began walking.
Without saying anything, both brothers were automatically headed in the same direction of their chambers. Loki was thinking about Odin's words when they were exiting his chambers.
I want to see both of you after dinner in front of the Queen's chambers.
He tried not to show that Odin managed to catch his attention, but he was certainly curious and a little bit terrified of the reason why Odin might want to speak to them there of all places.
The halls of the palace seemed endless but finally, the princes found themselves standing in front of their chambers. Frankly speaking, Loki was strangely surprised that they left his chamber as it was before his downfall instead of igniting it to set an example.
They both stepped towards their own door, only to be stopped after a moment of realisation that this was not going to function.
"I don't want to share chambers with you." Thor said angrily.
"Likewise." Loki sneered.
There was a moment of inactivity on both sides.
"Agh. This. Is. So. Stupid." Thor said slowly.
Loki was getting tired of everything.
"Clearly, we have to share chambers now. So come, Thor." He said and pointed to the door leading to his old chambers.
"Absolutely not. If we have to share chambers, we are staying in mine." Thor replied, as stubborn as his younger brother.
"I don't think so." Loki reacted.
Thor opened his mouth to retort something without thinking but stopped himself in the last moment. Instead, he said: "Loki. We must talk about what you said in father's chambers."
"No, we don't."
"Yes, we do. You said you wanted us to reconcile. I want the same thing, but I have given up the hope that you might want it too long ago."
"I didn't say that by my free will." Loki protested.
"Exactly. That's what hit me. Had you said it in different circumstances, I would most likely have not believed you." Thor replied.
"Wow. That hurt." Loki said mockingly. Only it did hurt hearing Thor saying those words. But he would not show it.
"We will move nowhere unless we try to communicate as civilised beings, princes of the most powerful realm within the Nine Realms." Thor tried to reason with Loki.
"Agreed. Can we do it inside?" And Loki's green irises moved in the direction of his chamber.
"As it is your fault that we found ourselves bound in this spell, I think to be only fair to use my chambers." Thor was not going to surrender.
"My fault?" Loki echoed.
"If it was not for your madness on Midgard, father would not…"
"Yes, got it, Thor. Everything is my fault, as always. But considering that I spent the last Norns know how long in the dungeons, you could show a little empathy and understand why I wish to stay in my chambers." Loki was not willing to give up either. The idea of seeing his room after all that time seemed so appealing to him.
"It was your actions that rightfully brought you to the dungeons." Thor protested.
"My actions?" Loki almost screamed. "Is that what you told mother? Loki is where he was always supposed to be. A little prisoner of war locked away safely until the appropriate time…"
"That's not what I meant and you know it!" Thor rumbled while walking closer to Loki. Now the brothers were standing face to face.
"How should I know it? Oh yes, sorry. I forgot. Another of my imagined slights, is it? Is it?" Loki hissed.
"Loki, shut up and be reasonable." Thor whispered threateningly.
"Maybe I should pay a visit to your little plaything. What do you think she would say if I told her about your little adventure in Jotunheim? About…"
Loki knew he was walking thin ice, but he didn't expect Thor to actually do it.
Thor hit him.
He punched his cheek, causing Loki to lose balance and fall unceremoniously onto the ground. He lifted his gaze in genuine surprise to see Thor hovering over him and bringing his arms down to reach him. Without thinking, he tried to move away from the Thunderer's anger by putting his arms behind him and slithering away.
That stopped Thor's movement. His face was blank for a second.
"Damn." The older brother said finally.
At that moment Loki realised that he was still on the ground, technically beneath Thor, which was utterly unacceptable and so he tried to stand up. Not an easy task with a wound in your belly that was beginning to show itself again and both hands bandaged.
Out of blue, he felt Thor's touch on his upper arm. Loki tensed but his brother only brought his own bandaged hand underneath Loki's arm to help him stand.
Once they were eye to eye, the brothers were just staring at each other.
"Let's take your chambers." Thor said quietly after a moment.
"Is that your way of saying sorry?" Loki mocked but took a step back when Thor's eyes flashed with rage.
Thor noticed.
"Are you afraid of me, Loki?" Thor questioned genuinely, trying to clear his own confusion. He had these thoughts already on Svartalfheim and they created a very uncomfortable weight in his mind.
"Of course, not." Loki retorted with disbelief. "But you just hit me so I…" Wait, why was he taking the step back? Was he actually afraid of Thor hitting him again? Why would he be? He's been hit enough in his life to fear this little inconvenience.
"It was my way of saying sorry." Thor all but whispered. "I will not lose my temper again. I will not hit you again."
"Who is the liar now, hm?" Loki replied unhappily.
Thor didn't say anything. The chambers were waiting for them.
The older prince let his brother come to his door.
Touching the door handle, Loki half expected it to stay locked, to prompt an evil laugh of the Allfather to erupt behind them. You thought you could escape the dungeons, trickster? So pathetic. So full of hope.
But none of that happened.
Instead, the doors opened without making any sound, just as Loki remembered them.
He hated to be feeling so insecure just because he was stepping into his own chambers, but he couldn't help himself. Briefly, he wondered for how long he will be able to keep his façade on now when he had to do it nonstop. But all his thoughts ceased when he stepped inside.
At that moment, there were no daunting dungeons underneath him, no Odin scheming some plans for him to fail, no annoying brother right behind him.
There was only the room that Loki never hoped to see again.
The chambers were spacious, as would be expected of prince's private rooms. Everything was as Loki remembered it.
The floor was covered by thick, dark brown carpets. Not thinking about what he was doing, Loki kneeled and brought his right forearm onto the carpet. It was warm, fluffy and soothing. Just as he remembered it. Unconsciously, he smiled.
When he stood back up, he observed that his walls were still full of the things he collected through the years. There was a framed, yellowish parchment with ruins written in smooth, black ink that Loki immediately recognised to be the first spell that he has ever learnt. He was so little then, he remembered Frigga telling him that he had talent and so if he wished, she can teach him magic in addition to the lectures with the tutor he had to attend with his brother. Loki was over the moon and even more when his mother showed him the first spell they would learn.
She created her hairstreak butterflies effortlessly and Loki observed in awe all the butterflies flying around them in the garden, displaying all the beautiful colours of the world before making their way out of the palace to the freedom of the forest.
Frigga would patiently explain to him all the careful hand gestures that he had to precisely follow to be able to conjure his own butterfly. She didn't forget to mention that magic was a difficult art and mastering it took practice. He must not be disappointed if the first few attempts do not work.
Yet it was not necessary.
With a flick of his fingers, a green hairstreak appeared on the top of the fingertip of Loki's little finger. It quickly fluttered its wings and flew away.
Loki proudly grinned at his mum.
Later that evening, he would sneak out into the library. He brought a book of spells into his chambers, sat onto his bed and focused.
Next morning, Frigga found a green narcissus on her table.
Now, Loki found himself standing in front of the parchment. His magic has brought him so much pain, taunts and disappointment over the years. But he could understand that it was not its fault. It made him different, but not in the bad way. It made him special. He knew that they were all jealous of him. It took him one look into the spell book to master a complicated charm while Thor and his friends could not do a spell for beginners properly even after a whole lecture of trying.
Loki was sick of himself to his core. He did not understand himself and he hated what he could become. But since the guard told him about the Queen in the dungeons and he drew the desperate sketch onto the wall, he promised himself one thing.
Never again would he feel ashamed because of his magic.
It was not his fault to be better at it than others and it was their weakness to mock him for it.
He owed it to Frigga.
By now, Loki has left the need for hand gestures to perform magic and so even now, with his hands bandaged, it didn't take long and soon there were a few butterflies flying around him.
And Loki remembered. He remembered why he loved magic so much. It was about creating beautiful things, about making the world a better, more colourful place on the days when all light seemed to be sucked out. It was not meant for destruction.
Loki hunched his shoulders.
Soon, he heard soft footsteps and then a hand was clumsily put onto his shoulder.
"Should we let them out? But…it's too far away." Thor said.
Loki understood.
He nodded and both brothers moved to the windows. Loki stopped and only watched as Thor pushed away the dark green curtains to open the window. A light breeze filled the room and attracted the butterflies' attention.
Thor and Loki observed as one by one, the hairstreaks flew through the window towards their freedom.
And Loki shifted his attention back to his room. He let his feet carry him towards the wall which was covered by shelves with all his books. There were all types that Loki could find; there were spell books, old and new. Those were his favourite. Then there were all sorts of stories, full of legendary heroes, that he would read, imagining himself to be one of them, swinging his mighty weapon onto his enemies.
In front of the library there stood a huge, mahogany table. Loki ran his bandaged hand across the surface he remembered to be smooth. Loki loved the wood; he loved the safety it brought and the smell that never really went away.
There was an open book on the desk and Loki curiously eyed it. He recognised the spell immediately. It was the spell for shielding objects or beings against the gate-keeper's sight. It was the one Loki made certain to master before he dared to camouflage the Frost Giants into Asgard to ruin his brother's big day. The raven-haired god found it incredible that the book was still lying there on the table. It seemed so strangely unthreatening, just some old parchments bound together in a leather cover. But it stood for so much more. It was the beginning of the end. Without needing to think it over, Loki made it vanish. He didn't need a reminder that since the failed coronation, he didn't have time to actually go back into his chambers. It all went so fast, so out of control.
The dining hall where he knew he would find Thor. Jotunheim. Library to check his suspicions. The Vault. The Allfather's resting room. The Great Hall. And then the fall.
He never got a chance to come back here. To think anything over.
Not willing to dive more into the painful memories, Loki turned around to observe the most majestic feature of his chambers. The king-sized bed.
His bed was huge and served as a playground and later as a sanctuary for reading. It was wooden as the rest of the furniture in the room. It was neatly made with calming, dark green sheets. Loki fought the urge to dive into the kingdom of the soft pillows and blankets and just sleep.
He had one more thing to rediscover.
Slowly, he brought his gaze up to be welcomed by the beautiful sight. Above his bed, there was no ceiling. Instead, there was a window through which he could see the blue skies with a few clouds passing by. Loki was already looking forward to the evening, when he would be able to watch the beauty of the whole universe unfolding before his eyes, and he would see all those shining stars resting on their rightful places.
"You missed this." Thor said quietly behind him.
"Yes." Loki said simply. He fought back the uneasiness caused by the implication of Thor's words. The implication that it was so unlikely for a monster like him to miss the beauty of his old rooms, the capability of being able to appreciate the little things.
Maybe he truly lost those.
He didn't know.
But for the first time in ages, he wanted to find it again. Finally, he had something to look forward to. The night skies behind his window were only a few hours away and nothing was going to take those away from him.
And so Loki wouldn't let this moments be destroyed by Thor's comment. In a way, he understood that Thor did not say it with the intentions of conveying the implications that Loki found. Thor never did. And so Loki decided not to blame him for them this time. In the end, remembering the havoc he caused on Midgard with the help of his magic, Loki was hit with guilt of understanding why Thor could not trust him. Odin said he knew why. Loki didn't know how much he truly did know but Odin being Odin, it was probably enough to give Loki a bit of sympathy.
But Thor didn't know. He knew nothing.
"Loki?" He heard his brother's voice, as if uncertain to bring him back from his ruminations.
"Yes, Thor?"
"I said…well...now that we are forced to share this space, I asked if I can…you know…"
"You may use anything, Thor. There is no way around it." Loki answered the unspoken question. "But if you destroy anything…" The threat was hanging in the air.
"Thank you." Thor replied.
"Thank you for agreeing to stay in my room."
Maybe they could be civil around each other. It seemed that if one was ready to show a little willingness, the other would repay it with kindness.
At least Loki found himself wanting to believe in that.
