We open our presents which wasn't anything special, but clothes, jewelry for me, and some other great things. Paul's in the shower as I'm getting dressed and I went over to throw all of our dirty clothes in the hamper when I spot a plastic bag hid under some of Paul's dirty socks with white powder in it and I just hope it isn't what I fear it is. I leave his socks there and lay back on the bed and I chew on my thumbnail as what I saw bugged me but I try to brush it off. I close my eyes and right then Paul comes out of the bathroom and I hear drawers being opened and closed and his towel being dropped.
"Tired?" I hear him ask me and I shake my head with my eyes closed.
"What's wrong then?" he asks me and I shake my head again without saying anything. Would he do this again by keeping this from me too?
"J?" he says as I feel him crawl onto the bed and lay beside him and i feel him brush the hair out of my face and let the tips of his fingers run across my cheek.
"What's wrong, love?" he asks me.
"What's that plastic bag with white powder in it on your dresser?" I ask him and open my eyes to see his eyes and face both expressionless as his hair is wet and he's fully dressed.
"It's nothing." he says and I can tell he's lying.
"Are you lying to me?" I ask him boldly.
"No." he says and I exhale, but I have a weird feeling he isn't telling me the truth. Did he really just lie to my face?
"Is it cocaine, Paul?" I ask quietly and he bites his lip.
"Don't you dare lie to me when you said you don't want secrets in this relationship or us lying to each other." I say and he says nothing as his facial expression doesn't change.
"It isn't cocaine." he says and I groan and sit up.
"Why won't you tell me the truth?" I say angrily as I stand up and so does he and we face each other.
"I am telling the truth." he says and i roll my eyes.
"I know what cocaine looks like, Paul. My uncle did it when I was in high school, so I know what the damn stuff looks like." I say angrily as I'm mad that he would lie like that to me.
"Why does it fucking matter if i do drugs, Jackie?" he yells.
"You know damn right why, Paul!" I say since I grew up being around two addicts in my family and I swore when I was little that I'd never touch drugs or a bottle of liquor.
He knows that and I've talked to him about it before and now he's just turning around on me and not in a good way. No wonder why there's been what looks somewhat like sugar in his pants pockets and why he comes home from the sessions a bit loopy and angry sometimes.
"If it's that big of a damn problem for you then, tough luck because I'm not going to give up doing them just for you!" he yells as he's coming off as a completely different person then the Paul I know.
"What do you want, Paul? You want me to be okay with you doing pot and cocaine and drinking?!" I say back as I feel my throat get itchy, signaling the arrival of tears.
"What the hell do you think I fucking want?!" he yells back as he gets angrier and angrier as so do I, but I'm getting more sad.
"You knew I wouldn't be okay with it, Paul. Did you want me to find it?! Do you want me to leave?!" I ask and I say the last line in a sad tone as I realize that.
"No Jackie, I don't want you to leave." he says sadly and no longer yelling.
"I can only take so much, Paul." I say and I cross my arms and look at my feet. I'm really not all that important to him, now that he said he wouldn't give up drugs for me. I feel a tear escape my eye as I try so hard to not cry right now, why are we having these big hiccups?
"Jackie baby, don't cry." I hear him say and he walks over to me and wraps his arms around me and I let him hug me but I don't hug him back, I can't muster myself to wrap my arms around him.
"Hug me back". I hear him say and i shake my head.
"I can't." I say and I start to cry hard.
"It's easy, just do this." I hear him say sadly and with little hope in his voice as he takes my arms and wraps them around his waist and they fall and he wraps his arms tight around me as he cries into my shoulder.
"Don't leave, Jackie. Please baby, don't leave me. Please, please darling don't leave me I couldn't handle it if you did." he cries into my neck.
"I don't know." I mumble.
"I'll stop baby, I'll stop using." he says and I shake my head into his chest.
"No you won't, I know you won't." I say and he moves away to look at me with sad eyes.
"Maybe we're not meant to be together forever, Paul." I say and I see his face immediately fall at my words and more tears fall from his eyes at my statement.
"Maybe we're not." he says and I'm sad he's giving up and not fighting for me.
"But I want to be with you, Jackie. We can get married next month if you want." he says and I shake my head and cry.
"That won't make it better, Paul. I don't want to be with a man who uses drugs that could possibly kill him. I don't want to find you on the bathroom floor dead because you overdosed, Paul. I want you to be healthy and happy and to have a great life." I admit.
"I can only have that with you, Jackie!" he says sadly.
"I can't live without you, I'd go mad and just use more drugs and drink loads if you left me." he says. I don't have a choice now?
"I can't lose you, Paul." I say.
"Then don't leave me!" he says.
"I could still lose you because of your habit!" I say and imagine all the other drugs people use nowadays and that he could get into heroine, the worst.
"What others have you used?" I ask.
"Just LSD once." he admits and I gasp a little and shake my head.
"You know, other girls wouldn't be so controlling over their boyfriends about whether they use drugs or not and which ones! It's the damn sixties, Jackie. Hundreds, maybe even thousands of people around the world use drugs!" he yells turning back into that mean, tough, short tempered Paul that I hate.
"Then get another girlfriend, Paul. Because I'm done with all of this fighting and you sure as hell seem to want to be with some other girl who will smoke dope with you and snort coke." I say and I find my feet and burst out of the room down the stairs.
"Have the realtor call me about getting my name taken off the two damn houses, cause I don't want my fricken names on them!" I say as I hear his loud feet behind me.
"No Jackie, don't leave. I didn't mean that, I don't want another girlfriend. I want you as my girlfriend." I hear him say and I grab my jacket and shoes.
"Tell your family I say hi and that I'll really miss them. Your dad should know that he did a shitty job of his raising his son." I say and I see his sad face and I open the door to leave.
"Where are you gonna go when it's 10 degrees out with snow everywhere, huh? Just stay okay? We can work this out, Jackie." he says as I walk down the stairs and go for the gate.
"Leave me alone, Paul." I call back and I think of how the damn fans can probably hear us, just great. I can see 'Beatle Paul McCartney and American girlfriend break up!' being the headline of some tabloid, they haven't stayed out of our personal life so why back out now?
"Why should I stay, huh? Give me 3 reasons why I should stay, Paul." I say as I turn to him as his arms around himself since he has no jacket on.
"Because I need you more than you know, because I love you and I accidentally fuck it up with you sometimes and we get into these yelling matches but it's because we love each other and couldn't handle to lose the other even though we have these rows and act like we hate each others guts but we really just love each other and are so close." he says while shivering as we share an intent eye contact.
"Third reason?" I ask.
"I was going to propose to you up at the farm." he says and my jaw drops.
AN: Well, what do you think of what's happening?
