Chapter Seven: Mr Muscle Gets Drunk
When Bones found Jim the next morning, he had to blink furiously to make sure what he was seeing was real. Unfortunately, it was. Jim was cleaning.
He had a pair of pink rubber gloves on, one hand holding a bottle of cleaning solution, a cloth over his arm and in the other hand was a mostly empty bottle of whisky. Bones turned around to see Spock entering the mess hall with the same disturbed expression on his face.
They were both wondering whether cutting down Jim's hours on duty had been a good idea or not, because it seemed that whenever Jim wasn't on the bridge, his hobbies were getting more and more out of hand. Jim never cooked, he had taught himself to knit, and now he was cleaning.
Bones looked at Spock. "I get it now. We're worried about him." He said, even though he knew what the problem was.
he didn't know that Spock knew as well. The Vulcan said nothing and marched over to Jim. "Captain." He said. "If you will remember correctly, Doctor McCoy and I lessened your workload so that you may relax in your quarters."
At Spock's voice, Jim took another swig of from the whiskey bottle and scrubbed even more viciously at the floor.
"I am totally relaxed right now." Jim said through gritted teeth. "Now go away."
Spock raised an eyebrow.
"I'll take it from here." Bones said, appearing at his side. "I believe I have more experience with drunk Jim."
Spock gave him a curt nod and left the mess hall, standing outside the doors so that no one could enter, giving Bones and Jim some privacy, but also so that he could listen. In case they needed him of course.
"Jim." Bones prized the bottle of whiskey from his grip. "This is getting out of hand."
"Fucking tell me bout it!" Jim pulled off his gloves and threw them at the wall. "D'you know wha he did? D'you know wha he did Bones?" He slurred.
The doctor raised his eyebrows. "Who? Spock?"
"Yes. Spuuucaacck. He...he used some freaky vulcan shit on me!"
Bones knelt down so he was at eye level with Jim and bit the inside of his cheek in an attempt not to smile. Goddammit Jim was a fierce Captain, but slumped on the floor with those big baby blues blinking, he was about as frightening as a kitten.
"What sort of vulcan mind...shit?"
"He..." Jim tapped his head, "He made me orgasm. With his mind! Doesn't that break a...a thingy. A regulation? I didn't ask him to, he just...and now..." Jim's voice dropped to a whisper, "He smiled. I made him a jumper and he smiled and now I'm just so fucking horny!"
Jim jerked the whisky from Bones, finished it with a gulp and threw it against the opposite wall.
Bones had gone very red in the face, and Jim wasn't sure whether he was going to laugh or shout. "He... made you orgasm... with his mind..." He repeated, pronouncing each word slowly and carefully.
"Urghhhh..." Jim threw himself onto his back, splayed out on the floor. "Kill me."
"Well that's a bit overdramatic." Bones climbed to his feet and reached down to help his friend up. "How about we get you to yer room?"
Jim made another exasperated sound, but allowed himself to be pulled up. "Can't sleep. Need more booze... knock me out... or... more Spock... mmm... Spock..."
"Alright princess." Bones rolled his eyes.
"Mm... you smell like apples... and... dis-m-fectant..." Jim slurred, looking up at him.
"It's my shampoo." Bones rolled his eyes.
"Mm... kiss... you..." Jim suddenly made a lunge for his friend's mouth.
Bones took hold of Jim's face with his hand and gave him a hard shove. "No way!"
"Aw come on Bones! I need to fuck someone!"
"Then go fuck Spock if you love him so much!" He snapped.
Jim stared up at him tearfully.
"Oh shit. Jim I'm sorry. Just don't cry, alright!"
Jim huffed, his bottom lip jutting out. "Spock doesn't love meee." he wailed.
Bones raised his eyebrows. He knew Jim had some stupid crush on the vulcan (in fact everyone on the ship except for Jim and Spock themselves knew it), but he didn't realise it was this bad. He patted Jim awkwardly on the shoulder.
"Dammit, Jim. You two get on well, don't you?"
Jim nodded sadly. "But Bones I l-"
Bones slapped his hand over Jim's mouth before he could finish the sentence. He was a doctor, not a psychic but he was pretty sure the damn vulcan in question was waiting outside the door. McCoy didn't want Jim making things any worse for himself.
"How about we get yer back to yer room, hey?" He said quickly, walking him over to the door. "I prescribe a long hot bath and some maybe a sedative."
"Mmm..." Jim's eyes half-closed. "Wait! Where's Spock? I won't be able to sleep! I need him to do his freaky mind shit again!"
Bones rolled his eyes and pressed the panel for the mess hall door to slid open, and of course Spock was standing right outside. Luckily by this point Jim wasn't quite conscious enough to acknowledge his presence. Bones pursed his lips angrily.
"Get out of the way. Dammit, Spock you're not doing anything to 'help' Jim, alright? You leave him alone and let him sort himself out."
"Doctor McCoy you are mistaken, I have done nothing but try to aid Jim in any way I can." Spock was frowning, and he glanced down at Jim in a way that suggested he wanted to take him.
Bones released a small groan. "Fine! Take him! Just make sure he sleeps, and don't you dare fuck his mind again!" He gently handed Jim's half-conscious form over.
"I shall not. It was a mistake to do so in the first place." Spock said, scooping Jim up into his arms. "It was my mistake. Thank you Doctor McCoy."
Bones threw up his hands and walked off, grumbling to himself.
