A/N: Whoop! I'm on a roll!
... a Cinnamon Roll.
You laughed. I heard it.
Enjoy the chapter! They seem to be getting more ridiculous as I go on...
A short few hours and several aching backsides later, the entirity of the Organization had been dismissed to their quarters with strict orders to stock up on mouse traps, rat poison (much to the utter dismay of Demyx) and whatever else they deemed convenient to rid Xemnas' beloved castle of its rodent trespassers.
Of course, Xigbar was overjoyed. Nothing like live game to aid the practice of one's shooting capabilities. The fact that Xaldin had wagered he could hunt down more of the critters than Xigbar could only made the game more interesting.
"Dude. It went in there, I saw it."
"Xigbar. You've just lost an eye. Why don't we leave the visualising to those who still have their vision intact?"
Xigbar shrugged off Xaldin's rather offensive remark, before returning to his previous activity that was peering through the gap between the giant doors to Xemnas' sacred and extremely off-limits territory - his office.
"Man it's dark in there." Xigbar shuffled, pressing his face even closer to the closed doors. "I can't see shit! Really! It's pitch black dude!"
Xaldin sighed, rubbing his forehead. "Just a thought... you might want to try using the eye that actually works. You might just see something..."
"Oh." Xigbar chuckled, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. "Thanks man."
Hands wrapped around the string that connected the pair to their mousetrap within the Superior's office, the two waited.
Meanwhile, in Vexen's labs...
"I think Vexen's finally gone senile..." Zexion murmured to Lexaeus, whose arms were filled with mouse cages thanks to the near-frantic scientist.
"Zexion! Shut up will you." Vexen hissed, tossing yet another mouse cage into the schemer's over-occupied arms. As cold as Vexen was, he'd even used Zexion's sling to maximise his use in his current mission - recapturing all the lab mice that had escaped thanks to a minor mishap on his behalf involving one too many glasses of late night wine.
"- and hold still. Gods be damned. Why are you so small?!"
Lexaeus snorted, but was instantly shut up as Vexen shoved another two cages into his arms.
"I don't know what you're laughing at Lexaeus. This is a very serious matter." the scientist barked, "If Xemnas finds out we brought animals into the castle, he'll fire us-" he paused, considering his own words as he frantically searched through the laboratory cupboards; Zexion diving out the way with a squeak as a bottle of acid was carelessly thrown over the blonde's shoulder.
'Not that that's exactly a bad thing.'
" - Or," Vexen continued, "If he's in a particularly dull state of mind - which may I remind you is virtually all the time, he'll sick Saix on us. Do you not remember what happened in the days of our apprenticeship? When Braig stuck one of Ansem's lab rats down Xehanort's pants?!"
The other two men gulped, recalling upon the event with a pained grimace. Xehanort had freaked out so much that he'd sliced Braig's cheek with a scalple with intentions of dissecting him - adding yet another scar to the man's vast collection. The metal cages within Zexion's arms began to shake, but Vexen mistook the tension for fatigue, swatting the smaller man on the arm with distaste as he made for the door.
"Zexion. Your weak strength is nothing short of embarrassing." he huffed, striding past like the man on a mission that he was as his blonde hair billowed behind him, stomping on Lexaeus' foot in the process.
The Cloaked Schemer spluttered in offense, not even having the time to stumble upon a satisfying insult to spit back at the blonde as he swung open the heavy steel reinforced door that stopped neophytes from coming in and sometimes... Vexen getting out.
Vexen pulled out a pair of goggles from his left pocket, putting them on with a 'twang' of the elastic that held them in place.
Oh he meant business today alright.
"Alright my noble inferiors, let us reclaim what is rightfully ours."
Zexion looked to Lexaeus as Vexen stormed out the doorway, smashing a test tube on his way out with a mild curse.
"Our dignity?"
Saix had checked high and low.
... Then high again - just to be sure of course.
Finally satisfied that his room was indeed pest free, the Luna Diviner allowed himself to relax, falling back to lie upon the silk sheets of his bed with a sigh.
The man folded his arms behind his head, a trace of a smirk on his lips as he recalled looking upon the more than a little ruffled up nobodies at their previous meeting, slumped upon their thrones like over-sized battle trophies. He could have cut off their heads off if he'd wanted to, sticking them to solid oak plaques before mounting them on his wall to serve as constant reminders of his victory... but alas, they needed all the members they could get - even if the extreme majority were idiots.
'Majority? They're all idiots...'
He'd be doing the worlds a favour to put them out of their misery anyway...
"DON'T WORRY, 'BOUT A THING..."
... not to mention he'd be doing himself a favour.
Saix almost fell off his bed in both pain and shock at what could only be described as the noise. What was somewhere inbetween a strangled cat and the sound one made when he had been kicked in the crown jewels practically damn near burst Saix's ear drums on impact as it seemed to spread throughout the entire castle like a wild fire in Marluxia's garden.
'Demyx again...'
"...'CAUSE EVERY LITTLE THING, IS GONNA BE ALRIGHT..."
'Wait.'
That voice was too lazy to be Demyx... he knew that tone. He just couldn't place -
Saix bolted upright as it hit him like a flaming tonne of bricks.
'Axel.'
Axel... singing.
The Flurry of Dancing Flames annoyed the Hell out of Saix just by existing... in a sense - let alone singing.
"99 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL, 99 BOTTLES OF BEEEER...!"
Oh dear God. It was a mash up.
No doubt just for him.
Saix's teeth ground together as the last 'beer' was dragged out for as long as Axel's lungs would permit - too long in his opinion. He swore his ears were ringing, screaming out in pure agony... and he thought Demyx's singing was bad. At least the younger man had some sense of tune and rhythm about him.
Axel was obviously tone deaf.
Clawed hands reached up, clenching themselves within the man's bluenette locks as he felt his self-control slipping away with every horrendous note that left the pyro's throat - that had obviously had a razor stuck down it at some point. It sounded worse than nails on a chalkboard; than claws on a chalkboard.
'Saix. If I find another member of my Organization clinging to their non-existent life by the skin of their teeth thanks to your indulging of your 'other side', I'll send you to Atlantica with Demyx for an entire week.'
The Luna Diviner shuddered at the thought. That had been a warning from directly from Xemnas himself - sent on a post-it note (a particularly bright pink one) via an absolutely terrified Dusk to his personal quarters.
Saix's intimidation could only go so far; and at the end of the day, Xemnas was Superior. He had to pull his weight if he wanted his heart. Let it be said that life, even when non-existent, is still unfair.
In a last ditch attempt to keep his inner beast on the collar, Saix closed his eyes, concentrating on his breathing. Breathing was the key to one's calm frame of mind - at least, that's what Vexen had told him once the pair had returned from Atlantica after narrowly completing what Saix had decided was one of the most terrifying missions he had ever been on in his life. Sure, he hated water, but the joyous singing and the vomit-inducingly pleasant atmosphere was just unbearable. Not to mention the half-nakedness and the distinct fishy aroma that followed one around for days upon his return...
The Luna Diviner would never understand why Demyx 'enjoyed' the place so much.
Feeling his muscles relax ever so slightly, Saix allowed himself to daydream. He would allow his berserk side to maul within the much safer confines of his mind. Sharp fangs gleamed in the moolight as the diviner clearly pictured wringing the pyro's skinny neck, strangling him until every last excrutiatingly painful note had been squeezed out of him...
"SAIX'S MOM HAS GOT IT GOIN' ON..."
Oh that was it.
Screw trying to stay calm.
Screw Xemnas' warnings about controlling himself.
Singing fish in Atlantica be damned.
A blatant attack on his mother was just uncalled for.
What little was left of Saix's sanity was dragged away with its nails digging deep into the ground in resistance, but the monster within him was far too pissed for courtesy. With a feral grin, Saix unclipped the leash, his berserk state making itself known with a beastly growl. Popping his knuckles and hefting his Claymore, Saix knocked his door clean off its creaking hinges, before bolting towards the source of his current headache... and earache.
Before Axel could say 'Got It Memorized?', Saix was hot on the trail he blazed.
"HOLY SHIT ON A SEASALT POPSICLE STICK!"
In his haste to maul his annoying comrade, Saix had unintentionally made a grave mistake that would prove to be hideously costly for the rest of his non-existent life.
He forgot to fix the door.
Meanwhile, down the hall, Xigbar and Xaldin were slumped back-to-back outside Xemnas' quarters, heavily indulged in what had to be one of the most adrenaline fuelling games ever to have been invented in the course of the history of the worlds...
"I spy with my little eye something beginning with -"
"String." Xaldin muttered, silently pondering whether or not it was at all possible to hang himself with his own dreadlocks. For a castle filled with nothingness, 'I spy' really was as invigorating as story time with Xemnas.
"Ooh good one man. Okay I -"
"String."
"Hey!" Xigbar punched Xaldin on the shoulder, stomping his foot on the ground like a small child having a tantrum. "I didn't even spy anything!" he huffed, folding his arms while he stared down at the string attached to the still dormant mouse trap.
"Well you do only have one eye..." Xaldin mused, ruffling Xigbar's tattered feathers further.
"Yeah well... your hair is stupid."
"Hmph."
Just when both men thought all hope was lost; and the little rodent that had inconspicuously sneaked into their boss' office had given them the slip, the dull and hideously uneventful silence was broken by a loud 'SNAP'.
Xigbar blinked.
"Dude. Either you just farted, sat on one of your lances, snapped one of your dreads -"
Xaldin frowned as Xigbar counted out the possibilities on his fingers.
" - Vexen's been neglecting the whole teleportation thing and has actually starting climbing the stairs, which can't be good for a guy as old as he is..."
The other man snorted, shaking his head.
" - or that right there, was the sound of our furry little friend gettin' himself a one-way ticket to rodent heaven."
The two nobodies exchanged a brief glance, eyes flitting from one another to the string on the floor... which steadily began to disappear through the gap inbetween the doors.
There was movement.
It was go time.
"Grab it!"
For the more compassionate Demyx, tracking down and killing innocent furry creatures wasn't all that appealing. In fact, when Xemnas had issued the order for the Dusks to place containers of rat poision and mouse traps throughout the entirity of the castle, Demyx actually considered flooding the Superior's bathroom.
He was just that angry.
'Rat poison?! Ha! As if that'll work! They're mice! Xemnas is so dumb...'
"DEMYX!"
The sound of Axel's frantic voice interrupted Demyx's choo-choo-train of thought, the blonde's head whipping around to see number VIII himself skidding around the corner at the end of the hall.
'Huh?'
The Melodious Nocturne's thought train abruptly crashed, burst into flame and barrrel-rolled off the rails with a huge explosion when none other than Saix bounded around the corner seconds later, murderous intent blazing within golden eyes that were void of pupils.
Demyx could only stare as everything around him seemed to be occuring in slow motion. In fact, he seemed slightly dizzy...
'Oh. So this is what it feels like after spending too much time in Marluxia's garden with all that Marluana stuff...'
"DEMYX SOAK HIM NOW!"
The blonde gasped, clicking his fingers as it finally dawned on him, paying Axel no heed in his dilemma.
'Marluxia tricked me! I knew I shouldn't have smelled that stuff he showed me after that meeting. He did this to slow me down so we couldn't win the bet!'
While Demyx was mentally cursing himself for being so stupid, Axel zoomed past with a flash of red and black, a trail of fire blazing in his wake.
"DEMYX! THE BET! SAIX HATES WATER! SOAK HIM NOW!" he hollered over his shoulder, eyes widening to the size of the Queen of Hearts' backside as he gazed upon the raging berserker who was within gnawing distance behind him.
Axel could've swore on his non-existent heart that Saix had contracted something akin to rabies. His razor-sharp teeth were bared, his hair stood on end... and he was snarling at him something horrible. Where the hell did Xemnas find him?!
There was only one place Saix belonged he knew that for sure.
In a freakin' zoo.
Demyx meanwhile, didn't budge - aside from dumbfoundedly moving his head from right to left as Saix sped past him while he leaned against the wall to watch the entire spectacle.
"DEMYX! YOU LITTLE TRAITOR! I KNOW ABOUT YOUR NIGHTMARES DEMYX! I SWEAR! I'LL SET SEPHIROTH ON YOU MYSELF MAN." Axel yelled, narrowly escaping the grasp of Saix's clawing hands by arching his back.
The Melodious Nocturne almost choked on his own saliva at the sound of the One-Winged Angel's name. Ever since Xemnas had dispatched Demyx to Hollow Bastion for the first time, the blonde had been suffering from frequent nightmares involving the silver-haired man.
Because apparently, Sephiroth didn't like Demyx's singing much either.
To make matters worse, when the man had told Demyx to "Shut up" in a terribly impolite tone, the blonde had said the two words that had effectively signed his death warrant for him if he was to ever come across Sephiroth again.
"Your Mom."
Thus, Demyx's "RUN! RUN AWAY!" technique was born.
A tremendous crash shook the nocturne from the images of his nightmares - of unnaturally long weapons and equally unnaturally long hair... not to mention his height - the guy even had his own theme...
"Oof!"
"Zexion! Watch where you're going you impossible little anklebiter!"
Apparently, collisions were frequent in The Castle That Never Was.
A Dusk's stride from where Demyx was stood, were the slumped forms of Vexen, Lexaeus and a groaning Zexion, surrounded by a mass of what looked like cages.
...in one of which, was Saix's trapped head.
The berserker had made to grab the redhead, hoping to break his skinny legs in a dirty tackle after gaining a considerable amount of distance on him.
He did not anticipate the entirity of the castle's science nerds to tootle around the corner with a stack of stinking rodent cages at precisely the wrong time.
As a result, he'd essentially dove head first into a trap... getting said head stuck in the process.
Axel on the other hand, was as free as a bird. The pyro had managed to dodge the mouse patrol at the very last minute, because he was just that good.
After hearing the tell-tale sound effect of a nobody collision - yelps, growls... and extreme profanity, the pyro slowed down to a trot with a quick glance over his shoulder.
It was a beautiful sight to behold.
As it happened, Saix had fallen at the last hurdle.
Axel had to refrain from crying tears of joy as he watched the Luna Diviner hit the deck after colliding with IV, V and VI... diving head-first into one of the cages Lexaeus had dropped on impact as a grand finale.
Zexion headbutting Vexen in the groin was an added bonus.
This had to be one of the most defining moments in his career with the Organization - it just could not have been more perfect.
The Flurry of Dancing Flames grinned in victory, clapping and whistling in a mocking encore while Demyx broke into a fit of giggles.
"Hahaha! Better luck next time man!" Axel hollered at the struggling Saix, cockily licking his finger and pressing it to his hip to form a hiss and a small spurt of steam. "I'm just too hot for you. Got it memorized?" he purred, before turning on his heel and swaggering off on his merry way.
"AXEL!"
... to find somewhere to hide.
Quinton Flynn is going to hire a hitman to hunt me down and shoot me if he ever claps eyes onto this thing. FYI! Quinton, I think your voice is lovely; and I'm sure your singing is as such. Please don't shoot me. :3
Once again, Axel's plan stank... but once again, he got away with it XD
Thanks to all your lovely reviews, my muse is back on track; and is somewhat less starved! I read and drool over every single one of them. Honestly, they make me smile like a tard. Thanks bunches guys! I'm glad you're enjoying the story that is the brainchild of my slightly ridiculous sense of humour! X3
Next chapter: Did Xigbar and Xaldin succeed in their catch? What will happen to our dear Vexen, Lexaeus, Zexion and Demyx when Saix escapes? And just where did Axel sneak off to?
The other members will appear later on, don't worry. I'm not neglecting them ;P
To Rambonata: I hope you find your lung soon! I must inform you that I am in no way, shape or form liable for loss of organs, pants wetting, cramps or breathing problems as a direct result of this story XP
Until next time! 8D
